SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

For those who know my story- married 25 years…post covid caught my WH in his new found hobby of prostitutes…..over a course of 3 months….Im one of the "lucky ones" no gas lighting, no trickle truth…he broke down- admitted all and immediately when on a path to healing ( IC, courses, reading, stop drinking, started exercising, full transparency ) I think we trauma bonded the first year while also trying to protect our college aged kids.

We are now at 15 months post DDay and I feel nothing. I have no desire for intimacy and just want to be left alone. I have hobbies and am involved in community activities as well as have good friends—right now I feel nothing towards him. Went to IC yesterday and she said something that stuck me— that perhaps the "amazing marriage" I had before all this- where we were both so strong and independent, wasn’t so amazing. Perhaps I was just strong enough to be the glue and the center - and now I dont want to do that anymore. My husband adores me and is so grateful Im still here, but I feel like I’m here because I simply dont want to put my family through the pain. I know it’s NOT my fault but I can’t seem to see the other side if we did separate. So I stay put and feel a bit like "I’ll take the bullet" I can handle it. I do believe I’d leave if anything happened again, Im trying to rebuild, I just realize he’s not the person I thought he was and I am disappointed.

Anyone else been here.???

I am sure more people will be along to weigh in. I am so sorry you are going through this. Many people in this forum have experienced this sort of betrayal.

I think it’s natural to desire a man (or partner) who keeps you safe—your heart, your body, your emotions. That and carrying a fair share of the household and mental load make a man attractive to me.

Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought. I think a lot of our mythology leads women into the role of being the glue that keeps families together. The moment I read what you wrote I thought that my W would probably have 'taken the bullet' if I were the WS., and that wouldn't have really helped us.

Now that you know, you have a chance to change.

The POLF is part of recovery for many people. If feeling no interest in your H or M persists, that, to me, would be a sign the M is ending. But if the detachment is temporary, it's part of the ebb and flow of life.

Patience, sister. Patience.

This is my own theory. You were very content in your marriage. Until. Until you were blindsided by what your h had been doing. It caused your stability to wobble.
Our bodies are designed to keep us safe. Cortisol and adrenaline are two hormones that stay unused until they are needed. They then flood our bodies. They are so powerful because they galvanize us to freeze, run or fight. The problem with these hormones is they become toxic if the stress does not go away. Our bodies are not designed to live with fear and anger for long periods of time. What many bs live with is finding out ws double lives and then not knowing what to do…children, houses, businesses, extended families, finances etc are holding them in a stagnant place. This constant bombardment of those hormones wears the body down until you hit an emotional wall. Your brain/body is exhausted. I think that is where you are. This is the Catch 22 bs live with. There is no good solution, and yet we yearn for one to get this pain to go away. That is why you need to figure out how to survive infidelity.
You can let go of expectations and live with what you’ve got. You can use therapy for that. You can separate to see what that feels like. You can divorce. One thing you need to recognize is the intense rage running your life right now. Until it has an outlet it is wearing your body out. Yoga, exercise, gardening are all way to expend energy in healthy ways.

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Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought.

Maybe your pre-'A' M wasn't as good as you thought.

Yeah - seems to be the case :(

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Yoga, exercise, gardening are all way to expend energy in healthy ways.

I am doing all that! Everything you said, I completely agree with

For me, pre affair marriage had its ebbs and flows. If I am being honest there were times he was just a member of the family, a provider, and my children’s father. It was in those times I had to work to get the feelings back. And although I always loved him, I wasn’t always in romantic

Love at all. I think it’s unrealistic post affair to think those times would cease to exist in our marriage. Unfortunately, having a marriage scarred with infidelity leads to less incentive to work through the lulls in marriage, at least for me. I have to constantly remind myself "you are here because you choose to be and think it’s the best thing for you. If you still believe that work to make it the best you can. If you don’t feel that way anymore, leave".

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 5:13 PM, Saturday, December 21st]