SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Me: 51, BS | Him: 48, WS | Married 10 years | No shared children, mine are grown, and we have 3 grandkids who adore him.

I got sober a year into our marriage while supporting two of my children in recovery. My life is now rooted in recovery, and I threw myself into starting a program to help others—one my H was committed to supporting with me. Early on, He’s struggled with boundaries around his drinking, but he made big changes to his habits to stay married to me. For the last seven years, there’s been no alcohol in our house until recently. I came home from work and saw alcohol on the counter, which led to me discovering he’s been drinking behind my back and hiding bottles in his closet. Clearly there’s a bigger problem here, and I know I’ve been willfully naïve at times to avoid "rocking the boat." He has also been skilled at living a double life until lately.

Over the last few years, financial violations piled up. He drained our savings to cover his canceled work credit card (several times), maxed out a personal credit card, and hid it. This summer, I dug into the details and discovered frequent visits—sometimes every other day—to Asian massage parlors. He claims they were just for massages (he has injuries), but the ads I found paint a different picture. I even sat outside one of the places he frequented for an hour trying to picture him going into such an obviously shady place, and then I saw someone who looked just like him leave. It was a wake up, call and helped me look more into this and discover that it’s more common than I thought. It makes me sick, especially knowing that some of those girls were probably trafficked.

He’s in denial, full of shame for being caught, not for what he’s done. He justifies his behavior and isn't taking full accountability, especially around the AMP visits. I’ve temporarily separated and asked for a legal separation to protect myself financially. He accuses me of abandoning him and blames his actions on depression, insisting he doesn’t need a program of recovery and thinks I am being too hard on him. I told him recovery *is* addressing those behaviors. He’s refusing to take accountability, and I feel like I’m dealing with someone stuck before Step One. I am kind of shocked because he knows that my life revolves around integrity and honesty, and he has admitted that to the degree that I am growing he is sinking. I know he is sick and unwilling to get real help.

The timing is devastating. My program is in the process of receiving state funding but is currently held together by my unpaid time. Now I need to find a job, consider moving in with my grown son, and rebuild after WS spent our savings.

I’ve asked him to choose between separation and divorce, hinging on real recovery work, but he blew up in anger. I think it’s important for him to at least be offered the choice, but if he refuses to make one, I will file for divorce next week.

It’s humiliating, heartbreaking, and hard to reconcile how our marriage spiraled like this (well, kind of because I know I enabled it). I just wanted a happy, healthy life together which he pursued off and on but never embraced. It feels like he sabotaged everything, and I’m trying to hold it together emotionally while I stick to my boundaries, even though it’s so hard—especially right before Christmas.

Has anyone been through something similar? I could really use some support and insight, even if it’s a kick in the butt. I have a sponsor who knows both of us and is holding me accountable to making the changes that I want to see in my life. I guess I’m learning to let go of the fantasy I made up of how things would be better once I start bringing in a good paycheck. I now realize this is a much deeper problem, and I’m tired of wondering what else he is doing behind my back.

Bumping this up to the top

Welcome to SI and sorry that you are joining us. First, I recommend the posts that are pinned to the top of this forum as well as those with the bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is at the top of the page and has a lot of resources.

Do you have an IC (individual counselor)? I recommend IC with a betrayal trauma specialist because they are trained in dealing with trauma - and infidelity is trauma. Bonus points if they also have infidelity listed as something they can work with.

While you feel humiliated, you really shouldn't. You didn't do anything to cause him to do this, it's a result of his own poor boundaries and poor decisions. And his story about massages isn't passing my sniff test, either. If there's a possibility that he has inserted his penis in any orifice, then it would be a good idea to get STD/STI tested.

My XWH (wayward ex-husband) did a bunch of porn, but didn't visit massage parlors that I'm aware of. There's a thread in the ICR (I Can Relate) forum for emotionless infidelity. We do have members whose WS (wayward spouse) who have visited massage parlors.

R (reconciliation) is difficult with two willing partners. From what you describe, he doesn't seem to be interested in R. It sounds like he's on a downward spiral and I hope he can get the help he needs.

I guess I’m learning to let go of the fantasy I made up of how things would be better once I start bringing in a good paycheck.

I fell into this trap, too. I tried so hard to keep the peace and cover foro XWH's behavior. I thought if I made more money, that he'd be happier, we could do more things together, etc. Kind of like Ralphy in A Christmas Story and the A+++. There was nothing that was going to fill the gaping hole of need that XWH is. (He's diagnosed as having narcissistic personality disorder. What they call a covert narc these days.) It takes awhile for the rose colored glasses to come off and to stop hoping that he'd return to being the (false) person that I'd fallen in love with.

There is an alcoholic in my extended family. When anyone, however kindly, makes a suggestion on how he can get, and stay, sober his anger goes through the roof. You are trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational brain. It has been hijacked by his addiction. Don’t know where I read this but it might help you, active addicts hear wawawa#@$&wawawa when you talk. Their brains are trying to figure out how they can get the next drink or hit. They might nod, and even sound sober but they are not. It takes a very long time sober before the brain actually stops obsessing about the addiction.
You can’t fix him, or your marriage, as long as he is still drinking.
Look after your own finances and your mental health. It is honestly the only things you have some control over. His addiction controls everything else.

I’m sorry for your situation but Cooley has made some excellent points.

Stop explaining yourself to him. It’s frustrating and a waste of energy.

I would prepare to D. You can always Reconcile if he gets sober and embraces a sober lifestyle and gets his "depression" and spending under control. But legally you need to be financially protected.

Cancel all joint credit cards immediately.

Open your own bank account by taking half of your joint money and putting it in an account in your name.

Start looking for a job ASAP. One with benefits and retirement benefits as well.

Read up on the 180 and institute it immediately. He needs to ke at n ti start living a life where he no longer relies on you. Stop cooking for him and doing his laundry or errands. Move him to a separate bedroom or the couch or basement.

You will survive this. We all do. A good support system will always be your strength.

Thank you both for your thoughtful replies and advice about which forum to check out.

I am making an appointment with an IC tomorrow because I feel the trauma in my body. It’s something I can’t just soldier through, and it’s time to get help.

I feel like I’m detangling myself from a web, and it’s preventing me from completing tasks that need to get done. I know there are lessons to learn from this, but it’s rough going through this.

The1stWife, you’re so right. I have definitely been over-functioning for him, and I need to take steps toward a divorce ASAP. I’ve been staying at my daughter’s while she’s vacationing and my husband knows that I’m not coming back home. His ego is very fragile right now and he’s acting like a child because I didn’t give him enough attention when he was super depressed.

We both vented today, and I’m glad I heard what he had to say today. It helped me come to grips with where we’re at right now. He’s trying to paint himself as a victim and calling me militant as an insult regarding my boundaries. I took that as a compliment because, while he’s addicted to self-destructive behaviors, I’m addicted to integrity.

leafields, I do need an IC because I’m Catastrophizing over the divorce process. My parents put their home in my name 10 years ago, and I will probably need to forgo spousal support in order to keep it. However, this has brought up a lot of fear within me that I know has deeper roots.

I interviewed for a job that I’m very well qualified for, and I’m waiting to hear back on their decision. If I get that job, I feel like I can breathe a little better.

Thank you guys, it helps to hear your words of wisdom. I know I’ll get through this, especially if I just focus on taking the advice.

First of all: Congratulations on your sobriety!

I hope you realize that there is nothing more important in this whole story than your sobriety. It’s the key to everything for you. It’s what might enable you to create conditions that save this relationship, conditions that rebuild your finances, conditions that lead you out of this relationship, conditions to base your future happy and healthy life on. In this situation the old air-industry adage applies: place the oxygen mask on yourself before helping others.

Based on your reference to a program and a sponsor I’m guessing AA and 12 Step? If so – it sounds like you have a good sponsor. Ask him if you should maybe go through the 12 steps again to focus yourself on your sobriety. Many successful alcoholics repeat that process regularly, and it get’s easier after the first time.

You mention grown kids and sobriety... This disease has such a strong DNA or family connection. Keep in mind that if there is a relapse they will need you. A sober you...

I’m not an alcoholic or addict myself, but have more experience in dealing with both that I really care to have. It’s a terrible disease to have, and a lot more common than many think. I personally don’t like the term "functioning" alcoholic because I truly think this disease has a 100% fatality rate if not dealt with. You might – as an alcoholic – be able to function socially, but you are headed towards a cliff. "Functioning" alcoholic is like calling a driver a good driver because he respects the speed-limit and drives straight – right towards a cliff...

So my first piece of advice is to focus on YOU and your sobriety. Remember that no matter how crappy you might think you have it, then if sober there is nothing that can prevent you from positive change.

--

His actions reek of addictive behavior...

If you have been in AA then maybe go to the other room – the Al Anon room... The place where they focus on spouses of alcoholics and codependency and all that...

Combine that with what you learned in AA about accountability. He’s not showing that in any way or form.

IMHO there might not be a big rush to divorce per se. If you deep down want this marriage then it’s OK to press pause for a tight, limited period of time. But you need to take some serious precautions and set some serious boundares for yourself if you do so. In fact, you should do the following irrespective of any hope for the marriage:

The precautions:

Be very aware of your financial situation and marital commitments. Get a credit-report for both of you and see what is outstanding. What are you responsible for and what will be considered his debt?

Get legal advice. At your age and a 10 year marriage then I’m guessing you brought something along with you to the marriage. What is yours, what is his and what is marital property?

How did he access your savings? Legally or did he false your signature or what? Be clear on YOUR accountability for his ongoing debt...

What is the process of separation and divorce in your area?

What would you need to ensure that whatever he’s spending on NOW (seeing as you two are separated) does not go on your cost.

As an added precaution: Do not even dream of doing a separation or divorce "friendly" and without legal representation. I’m not advocating a contested divorce – but by their very nature a d is always confrontational. You want AT LEAST a legal representative that will go over and finalize whatever arrangement you and your husband make. You do not want debt collectors knocking at your door 5 years from now due to some debt he never paid.

Basically – you want to create a situation where if you decide to pull the trigger you can hand your attorney a folder that does about 80% of his job for him.

The boundaries:

ANY marital recovery is 100% based on his sobriety...

You want him to be at AA and sober for at least 3 months before even the thought of a possibility of a marriage becomes more than a weak hope.

Notice how I don’t put much emphasis right now on the infidelity? Neither the financial nor the physical (and let’s not fool around – the Asian massage parlors are like 99% for sexual gratification). Well... He could win the lottery and bring home a gazillion bucks, he could wear a chastity-belt and a cow-bell necklace and never stray... but none of that would last if he’s still drinking or in drinking-mentality.

If he hasn’t committed to sobriety and shown that commitment with accountable actions (such as 2-5 weekly AA meetings) then accept that no matter what emotions you have to him and no matter what you have financially and emotionally invested in this relationship – it’s not sustainable.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:08 PM, Thursday, December 19th]

10 years so far, I'm so sorry for this devastating betrayal by your WS. My WS is a porn and sex addict, and he also visited many massage parlors that provided a happy ending. It's an unbelievable betrayal, and the pain of knowing he had a mask on for our marriage is hard to even describe. The emotional manipulation the WS visits upon the BS is terrible, once you realize it, worse even than the sexual and financial infidelity. There IS no integrity from WS, and your own integrity is used against you. It's very damaging and traumatic. PTSD symptoms are not uncommon.

All the experienced members have given you great advice. Bigger is correct that you want to protect yourself legally, and as soon as possible.

You sound like a strong woman, who has faced many hard things. You will get through this too. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and say, "I love you, 10yearssofar," even if it feels silly at first. It helps. You didn't enable anything, he would have done this no matter who he was married to, these are addictions, nothing to do with you at all.

Just get through one day (or one hour) at a time.

Big hugs and good health to you, 10years.