SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wife’s LTA was with a guy that coached 2 of my kids. He was and is a complete ahole and I can’t get over the idea that he gets to think that my eventual ExWW thinks of him when she is with me. Him believing he is better than me, because he ruined my family is something that I can’t forgive them for inflicting. Unfortunately, the world is not a fair place and there is no justice possible.

Thank you all for listening to my rant, I know it isn’t helpful to think about it, but Thanksgiving and Christmas always put me in the depression of victimhood, yearning for a different past and present.

I know I am stuck, but I cannot shed the feelings of "less than" that this situation created, even with her many attempts to reconcile.

[This message edited by WhoRYouNOW at 4:14 AM, Sunday, December 15th]

Sorry that you're feeling "less than" because you aren't. He's a POSOM. One of our members says , do you know what you get when you polish a turd? A polished turd.

I understand, though. The self-esteem really takes a hit. It took a few years before I started to realize that SO wasn't all that and a bag of chips. I did have to work on it, though.

I worked through The Grief Recovery Handbook, and it was very helpful in helping me to get through a lot of the grief of wishing to make the past different.

The holidays are still hard, as our anniversary was near Thanksgiving. I still have difficulty around the holidays.

It's ok to not be ok. Handle your grief and process through the pain.

Your wife has multiple affairs and you state you had 2 good years together.

You should know that your wife would have been exactly who she was no matter who she married. It’s not a YOU issue — it’s a HER issue.

I think you know this but you have not accepted it.

During my H’s midlife crisis affair, he blamed me for everything. His unhappiness. His career issues (like I had something to do with it ). He blamed me for his affair too.

Until the day I wised up and realized HE was responsible for his life — his happiness, his career, his lying & cheating. None of that had anything to do with me. He had to take responsibility for all of

After dday2 of affair2 I learned I was never to blame for any of it. I was a good wife and he took advantage. I stopped being a doormat and now I make sure I am happy. Period.

If you are unhappy and not fulfilled in your marriage— you are not obligated to remain married. Sometimes cheating is a dealbreaker. There is just no going backwards. You don’t have to settle - you need to be happy. And if you tried your best but cannot get past the affair - then be honest and choose to do what is best for you.

You are not the "bad guy" if you D. I hope you know that.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 11:15 AM, Sunday, December 15th]

I know I am stuck

What have you tried to unstick yourself?

I appreciate your experiences and insight. I know I didn’t do anything to warrant this and it is her fault. I also don’t believe he is better than me in any way aside from getting the fun part of her while I got the other part. It’s just picturing the smirk on his face as he was having his way with her and the idea that my wife is in his spank bank. I won’t let myself D for 5 more years, because I don’t want my daughter’s to have her issues from her dad leaving when she was an early teen. I feel like I have to foot the bill for everyone else’s decisions.

HOP- reading, writing, counseling, new motorcycle, new job after getting laid off. The counselors, including the couple’s counselor, all thought I should D. I’m just lonely, empty and turning 50 in 2 months. My moments of joy come from spending time with the kids and disappearing by myself on my Super Duke GT. The recipe is there for an explosion and it feels like the thing I need.

A month ago my wife took the kids to visit her mom and I was home alone. It was the first time in years that I didn’t have insomnia. I actually fell asleep at 10/11 pm each night instead of 3/3:30 am like usual. My life screams obligations and delayed possibilities, especially since I have decided to leave when my 13 year old is 18.

She keeps trying to be a "good wife", but I don’t enjoy her company at all anymore and would rather spank the monkey daily instead of having sex with her. I’m in a loop that I won’t allow myself to escape.

See my tagline?
You are unhappy because of reasons you have somehow decided are more important than your happiness.

For some reason you have – ever since d-day – limited your options to remaining in the marriage no matter what. That’s why you don’t have the leverage to create pressure on your wife to heal.
If I go to your older posts they all focus on negatives.
Like the one where you only remember the bad in your marriage.
Several posts on how you will get the short stick in a divorce.
How you plan to stay 16 SIXTEEEEEEEENNNNN!!!!! Years for the kids... and how that’s cost you all sense of self-worth.
How your wife is minimizing and lying as per the advice of her IC...

Friend – think long and hard what lesson you are teaching your young teenage daughter. Basically to remain in a loveless and respectless marriage.

Not saying you should divorce. I think that in most instances where BS claim they will divorce the minute junior turns 18 are an escape from action. It’s extremely rare – like non-existent – that we get posters back here letting us know that the minute junioir left they filed. We do however get posters that are still in misery long after becoming single-nesters.
What I will encourage you to do is let your wife know that this isn’t sustainable, and that there better be change or this will end in divorce. That change... well... Maybe you need to feel better valued. Maybe OM should be exposed so he isn’t around kids and their moms anymore. Maybe you two need MC to help you two learn to communicate (as in both listening AND responding constructively).

What is clear to me though, is that if you continue as you are now you are NOT creating a healthy environment for your kids.

You are comparing diamonds with shit, he is "less than" because he is a coward. Your WW and him had to hide and sneak around because you are not willing to accept 2nd place. He chose it, he chose "less than" and hid like a coward. I really struggled with this just like everyone. If he has her in his "spank bank" that's all this pathetic human has, you are above all of it and your W and him know it. I told my W if you ever decide to cheat again, pick a real man, a man that will come and tell me "I'm taking your girl", not another little coward hiding in the corner beating it to photos on a screen.

For some reason you have – ever since d-day – limited your options to remaining in the marriage no matter what. That’s why you don’t have the leverage to create pressure on your wife to heal.

Amen. I’m sorry to say but your "I won’t divorce no matter what" thinking means she can do whatever the **** she wants without consequence. And she’s already proven to you what she’s capable of. Expect more!

How you plan to stay 16 SIXTEEEEEEEENNNNN!!!!! Years for the kids... and how that’s cost you all sense of self-worth.

Holy crap. You’ve decided to subject yourself to this kind of life for that long?? Look, I’m a dad of 3 daughters, and they are my world, so I can fully appreciate your willingness to sacrifice for their happiness. But that’s what I want to challenge you on.

If you stay in this disfunctional situation your kids will not only witness a toxic marriage, but will be deeply affected by that. They will come to learn, sadly, that what they see in your marriage is what’s "normal" or "expected", and they will pattern their future relationships and marriages after what they see in you and your "future xWW". Do you think this will serve them well? I see years and years of therapy in their future trying to re-learn what healthy relationships look like.

Do you want to teach them to reject people who abuse them, as your wife has abused and betrayed you? Or, as is your current plan, teach them to tolerate betrayal and abuse, since that’s "just the way of the world"?

I pray you reconsider your approach.

You have given me a lot to think about. While we don’t fight a lot, it’s because we don’t talk a lot.

The idea that I have basically trapped myself, rings true and maybe my commitment to being here for them is setting a worse example than I considered. I really worry about the guys that she will introduce into their lives, because she has proven herself to make bad choices if given the opportunity.

One thing is clear, I am not healing and need to take another look at my life strategy. I have opted for a weak, unhappy position for way too long already and while I used to see value in it, I no longer do.

Thank you

One thing is clear, I am not healing and need to take another look at my life strategy. I have opted for a weak, unhappy position for way too long already and while I used to see value in it, I no longer do.

The good news is that there are better ways to live your life whether you stay or you go. Paths that are more true to yourself.

Your idea of staying around for the kids isn’t automatically hideous, it just looks like while you have decided to do it you haven’t accepted it. Full radical acceptance that you chose this path, living with her and your kids, full understanding of what you are giving and what you are getting.

The flip side is you are overestimating, I think, the impact on your kids of getting a D, and underestimating how tuned in to you and your wife they are. They know. Even if they don’t know today, they will eventually know when they realize that their home life wasn’t the norm for homes with parents that lived each other.

So…there are solutions, staying or going. Whether you stay or go, those solutions don’t really involve her. It’s all up to you. All in your control. Take the reins, shipmate!

Very true, I am realizing my embarrassment extends to how poorly I have done things, especially taking ownership of my happiness. Really poor execution and planning to achieve a better outcome for all parties involved.

I have basically allowed depression and victimhood to run my life for decades. I am proof that a high IQ, doesn’t make you smart enough to understand how to create a fulfilling life or relationship. I need to get my $$ back from the counselors.

There is so much solid advice from the posters above....PLEASE, PLEASE listen to it And friend, I read somewhere you have some interest is reconnecting with God. I suggest He is trying to reconnect with you.

I have not read all your posts, really just this one ....but sounds like your wife is still in Betrayal? If that is case ....you know the Lord HAS GIVEN the option of divorce....and certainly because in the cases He would support it...it would yield GOOD. God is GOOD friend ...don't let those lying voices (including your own possibly) tell you otherwise. Put this issue in His hands and listen....He will guide you. Lord bless you and those kids.

how poorly I have done things

In a typical life, most people are able to muddle through doing things poorly, and by that I mean suboptimally. What happens when you are involved in an affair, is that suboptimal is no longer good enough. You either rise or sink. In that way, her affair can be a gift. It can be the thing that forces you to rise to a better place. The danger is that you have to not sink.

Sending strength!

According to her she is not engaged in any external relationships and yes God and I no longer have a solid relationship. The WW goes to church often and keeps trying to get me to go, but I question if I can believe in his love, considering his plan for my life. Honestly, the story hasn’t been one I am enjoying very much.

I know I can D, it will be financially painful, but worth it. The issue for me is my daughters and the potential predators that my source of pain will attract and possibly introduce to them. 100% is better than 50%, when it comes to them.

Have you told her that she lost your heart through the pain of infidelity she inflicted and you don't see how she ever will get it back. Does she even want it back?

As for you, are you in therapy with a trauma specialist? If not that can be good support.

I know the reason you are staying and if that is the case is there a way to work it out that you keep her from dating other men until the youngest is 18 but that you start making new friends just for you and not as a couple so you have a good support system when you finally do leave?

[This message edited by Stevesn at 1:56 PM, Monday, December 16th]

WhoRYouNOW,

A few questions after catching up on your threads...

-Are you still sleeping on the couch or have you moved to a spare bedroom or back to sleeping in the bed with your WW? Any change here? Lack of sleep will only compound your problems in your life.

-Are you still wearing your wedding ring on a daily basis? If you are, have you thought about taking off the ring for a time? BTW does your WW still wear hers?

- Ever thought about going to another church...either same denomination if you live in a big enough city or if you live in a smaller town, a similar type of church that adheres to your beliefs?

- Do you have the financial means to take a solo vacation for about a week? Maybe take a road trip by yourself to some place you've always been interested in, or heck, fly to spot. Just get away for a time-- to sleep and relax without your main trigger and source of pain (WW) being there... be selfish for once and recharge yourself to get you through the next few years before the kids leave the house. Make it annual event. Maybe in the future you can take the kids with you, if you want, but no WW. If your WW complains, even just a snide comment under her breath, tell her she had her time with the AP over 9 years- now you're taking time for you. Keep in contact with your kids but go NC with your WW during your first solo trip. It doesn't sound like your WW had many consequences for her affair and you're dealing with the "lack of justice." Well, let this exercise in self-care for you, be a consequence for your WW. Let her play single mom for a week while you are out having fun.

Break the loop and allow yourself to escape even if just temporarily. Even though you've decided to voluntarily stay in limbo until the kids are out of the house, doesn't mean you can't take a vacation from it from time to time.

Your idea of staying around for the kids isn’t automatically hideous, it just looks like while you have decided to do it you haven’t accepted it.

I agree.

I'll question your plan, though.

D will devastate your daughter whenever it comes. You are now planning to devastate her at one of the turning points of her life. You think starting college or a job is easy? You think starting adulthood is easy? How will she deal with the tremendous stress of going out on her own when you've just initiated D and possibly abandoned her?

If you've decided on D, the sooner you do it, the better - because the sooner you do it, the sooner healing starts.

Answering questions from a few posts in one response-

Yes, she knows my plan to D when my youngest leaves the house. I stopped wearing my ring for a while, but found it created a lot more temptation opportunities that I didn’t need clouding the waters in my head.

I am still sleeping on the couch. Considered the guest room, but ours is connected to my daughters shared bedroom via a jack and Jill bathroom, so I am opting for the couch.

She says she really wants us and he was just validation for her. I just can’t wrap my head around any of it.

Between now and dead, this is not the life I want and I hope to find a loving relationship eventually, so this is not the defining relationship of my life. The worst aspect is that as of right now my death bed will be consumed with thoughts of his impact on my life and the decades that I have wasted.

I attend church online, but it is mostly a pity party where I am the only attendee or a bout of frustration with his plan for my life.

I spoke to my lawyer, but she cautioned me that D opens the door to her openly dating and removes any idea that her new paramour would ha limited access to my daughters. That is the real concern and the consequence of my ability to move on with a new chapter of my life.

Have you given consideration to recovery with her? It can be an option. Many have done it. You seem set on your path at the moment, but very discouraged...maybe just try pretending you get along. If she wants your marriage, does she know she needs to actually take actions to help you?

As far as church and God. We have to be very careful to not judge God. It is tempting for all of us. But we do not see the whole picture. What is important is to learn about His character. We do that by hearing Hos word and learning and trusting Christ....who is in fact God in the Flesh (Christmas season).