SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m still fairly new here, being apart of this forum has helped me. Knowing I’m not alone with what I’m feeling has been very comforting. I’m still doubting our R, I need to have more discussions with WH on how I feel and thought about telling him I’m part of an online support group. I’m not sure that he would care, but I wonder if he’d try to find this forum.

Have you told your spouse?

I have been wondering the same thing myself.

My spouse knows I read this forum, but not about the posting yet.

I have heard some people say their spouses know about their involvement and some of them are even on here themselves.
Others strongly caution against letting them know about it at all.

My gut tells me that the ones truly doing R would want their spouse here as well. The others maybe not.

Mine did. I encouraged him to read the Wayward side, but I don't think he ever did.

There are some where the WS has used the BS posted and weaponized what was posted.

Who gives a crap if I am. I'm here because of her horrible behavior.

The problem is that some WSes have used their BS's posts against them, even in court proceedings. Some WSes have masqueraded as their BSes. Some couples used SI as a way of continuing their fights.

My W knew about SI. My W did not join or read here. She said she wanted me to have a safe place, but she was afraid of what she'd read, I think.

After about 2 years, when we were firmly in R, she had a problem - I've forgotten what it was - and I told her to get help from other WSes, so she joined. Our agreement was that we'd avoid each pother's posts and stay out of any thread one of us started. It worked well, but again, we were firmly in R, and R was going well.

I wrote a lot of stuff here in my early days that would have horrified my W. The writing helped me heal, but it would have scared my W. Healing helped our R, but if my W knew what I wrote, our R would probably have suffered.

We're works in progress, and we often go through something ugly to get to something beautiful.

So my reco is to keep SI to yourself.

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Many BSes make reading a requirement for R. IMO, that's a mistake. The requirement should be change. Reading is an aid to change, but it is not change. There's no magic in reading or posting on SI.

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Our MC knew about SI, too. She looked at it and said there was good stuff on it. I would have been unhappy with her if she hadn't seen and said that.

Professional, high quality, face-to-face MC will help in many ways. SI provides something like peer-to-peer therapy, and that helps in many other ways. I'd be skeptical of any professional who doesn't see the very high value of SI.

Thanks everyone for the reply. I think I will keep this one to myself. He knows I went to MC. Thanks Sisoon for sharing your experience. I’m sure my WH would be saddened to read my posts, but most of it I’ve already shared with him anyway.

Hometownphoto, you’re correct as well. My question was more about have you shared with your spouse that you use this site. I don’t care if it upsets him either. He is the reason I am here too.

I kept it private to start with, especially during the "information war" phase you enter after DDay.

Eventually we got to a point where anything I would be posting here, she would hear directly from me first.

She knows I post here. She does not post here.

No, or at least I haven’t mentioned it to him directly by name. He knows I’ve done a lot of reading and seeking out information on healing, and I don’t actively hide my activity here, so he’s likely seen me on it on my phone. If he were to come here and see what I’ve posted I wouldn’t mind; there’s not anything I’ve said here that I haven’t talked to him about. I think I just need my own place to process things with other people who have experienced betrayal. It hasn’t really occurred to me to make him read things from here; he’s not a forum kind of guy. He would certainly read anything I asked him to, but he’s more of a book person when it comes to stuff like this. He’s read more books on betrayal than me I think.

[This message edited by Grieving at 10:59 AM, Friday, December 13th]

At first I did not share. My Ws infidelity occurred in an online forum so I was not ok with her being on SI.

As our R progressed she would read, but did want to post or create an account.

I will say that the way I wrote things were taken in the wrong way by her a few times that resulted in some arguments, but overall was helpful to our R.

When she read my early and raw stuff she would cry and shame spiral. She would ask me if I meant what I wrote. . .Why would I write that, etc.

Her having a windows into some of those times in my life felt uncomfortable. I think it was good that she really did not read on SI before she had come to remorse.

I think that maybe if your WS is remorseful there are things they could benefit from reading here.

The downside is if you are posting here and know your WS might read it. . .then you are going to filter what you say. If you are filtering do you think you might hesitate to post something that might start an argument later? If you are filtering your posts then you might not get the benefit you are hoping to get from posting and getting feedback from others. KWIM?

No need to rush into it. You can tell them about it when you are more comfortable.

My EXWW knewci was part of an online community, but I don't think she knew which one. She didn't like me reading here as she was convinced it was salting the well of reconciliation, my words her sentiment. In reality, she didn't like it because it helped me see through her bullshit and mindless justifications. The support I got her cannot be overvalued.

I will say that the way I wrote things were taken in the wrong way by her a few times that resulted in some arguments, but overall was helpful to our R.

When she read my early and raw stuff she would cry and shame spiral. She would ask me if I meant what I wrote. . .Why would I write that, etc.

Her having a windows into some of those times in my life felt uncomfortable. I think it was good that she really did not read on SI before she had come to remorse.

I think that maybe if your WS is remorseful there are things they could benefit from reading here.

For many months, this site was my refuge. As my wife struggled with "owning her shit", I would share blurbs I found on here by WS’s who "got it". Daddy Dom and Hikingout in particular. At one point she expressed interest on reading more and asked where I was getting that information. I showed her the site and the Wayward section in particular. She read a few threads that she thought may pertain to her (owning it and not being defensive) but then decided it was "too painful". I purposely didn’t tell her my user name but lo and behold she went on a mission to find my posts. Based on our history, it wasn’t hard to figure out I would post in "those who found out years later". Even so, that is a subset of "I can relate" and my first post was several posts in. Yet she found it. And then we spent a couple of hours talking about how that made her feel. Everything in that post is 100% true and things I have said directly to her. Her response: "I don’t like the person you describe in that post". Me: "Yeah, I know. Try living with her".

Before I ever came here, I wrote her a 25 page "Impact Letter". That is as raw as raw can be and me baring my heart and soul about how her infidelities and subsequent lies have impacted me, my feelings for her and our marriage. Nothing in here comes anywhere near approaching that. Yet, internet strangers who have no clue who she is are judging her.

There is value to be found here. Truly open and willing waywards can find it. Ones who are still selfish and lacking true ownership will be blinded by what the betrayed spouse wrote and lose sight of the value they should and could gain. Mine left and never came back. That’s telling in and of itself. In retrospect, I should have never showed her the site.

I discovered this site a few months after learning my daughter is the victim of infidelity. I had just retired a year earlier had a significant medical scare was experiencing a disconnect with my former WW. This perfect storm put me into a bout of PTSD from three decades ago. This time around I sought help from an IC specializing in betrayal trauma from infidelity.

My FWW was upset that I shared our story with a stranger. The stranger is a licensed marriage counselor. She wouldn't participate, whenever we would talk she would shame spiral. Why after all the years. She doesn't understand PTSD.

So I have not shared this site with her and I won't. I must heal myself and she heal herself. This site has given me the language to describe what happened to me words I didn't know many years ago. My counselor has helped immensely with the PTSD and even showed me how to have empathy. Reading and posting here have been equally helpful. This is my safe place.

Maybe someday she gets to a point in here recovery, I might share. Notice earlier I said decades, dont go that long. Dont rugsweep, get help early.

My W is a registered member but I don’t know her username and she doesn’t know mine. I don’t think she is active here. She is very supportive of the time I spend here and is appreciative of the help we have received.

Unless you're FIRMLY already in reconciliation, I would advise to wait. Several members ended up dealing with another affair and divorced or divorcing. Their WS stalks them and tries to get advantageous information for the divorce from their posts.

No, but she doesn’t want to talk about it after the initial partial disclosure. Her plan is to rug sweep and go back to the marriage that she killed. I read all the time, but only post or comment occasionally, because I just don’t have anything positive to relay. Even I get tired of my negative thoughts and don’t want to piss on the great progress I see many of you creating.

Thanks everyone. I am going to keep it to myself. Since this is therapy for me, he doesn't need to be apart of it.