SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm feeling so ill to my stomach, I've just discovered someone else's affair, at a Christmas work function of all places and have no idea what to do since I can't track the spouses. I've tried and no luck. The APs are clients of the company I work for; I've never seen them before and my day-to-day has nothing to do with their company. I doubt I will see either of them ever again. The branch I work in has nothing to do with this company they work for, it was just by chance everyone was at this thing together. On LinkedIn we have no one in common. I haven't found any public social profiles that might lead me to a spouse.

I saw them (not knowing what they were to each other at the time) in the carpark when I went to grab my jacket. Was so shocked (as it was a very crowded carpark during lunchtime rush) I told my coworker when I got back, and the women seated next to him overheard me and asked if it was a specific type/colour range rover (car I saw the couple in) plus the hair colour (blonde) of the woman, I said "yes" and she said that's her sales manager she reports to and her managing director (so her boss and her big boss), they're married (to other people), they have been on and off for years and now they're back on again. Apparently, it's the worst kept secret in their company. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, she was so blase about it. I asked why no one has told either of their spouses and I got the typical "it's none of my business" which just royally pissed me off, I asked for a spouse name and she told me it was none of my business ( ) and so I not so politely ignored this woman for the rest of the lunch.

I won't lie, I've been a little obsessed trying to find these spouses but I'm at a dead end. my mental health is not in the best place with just 'walk away', I hate that it might come to that, I hate that the AP coworkers know and not one of them, after years (if that's to be believed) has even notified either spouse. It's just yuck.

So, with a dead end of unable to find these spouses what would you do next?

(just FYI this is in Australia so find a person American sites won't work for me, sadly.)

I’m sorry you are in this position.

You have done your best to locate the betrayed spouses so you should not feel bad about not finding them.

You can make socialMedia posts if you want— find an anonymous site that you can do so. Or you can allow your name to be out there with the info.

There was a pretty famous story a few years back about a couple at a football game. The guy could see that the girl in front of him was texting another guy throughout the whole game and clearly she was cheating on her Boyfriend who was sitting next to her.

So at the end of the game he told the guy what he saw and what the texts were about. That his girlfriend was texting another guy AND was saying some pretty bad stuff about the boyfriend who took her to the game and was sitting next to her.

I don’t know if you want to publicly be involved in this.

But you should not feel bad if you cannot locate tge spouses who are being cheated on. And the betrayed spouses may not even believe you. You are a random stranger and if the cheaters are good at covering up their affair, then you may have wasted your time and effort.

I would suggest that you contact your company's HR department and let them know. This could put them at risk if the spouse decides to sue due to the company being "complicit" in the actions. At the least, they may be able to put you into contact with the spouse.

If you know their names, try Spokeo and see if that helps. You can find some interesting things there. Another option is if you know somebody who works in collections. They have all kinds of resources for finding information.

So sorry that you were in that situation. It would make me feel ill, too.

thanks for being a sounding board for this.

@1stwife - Looks like I have to walk away as much as that is horrible, I found the guys facebook but followers/following is set to private and the last photo was back in 2016 and only had two likes, both rando guy friends. You were the voice of reason with this, you're right, I tried and so need to step away. poor spouses though.

@leafields. I know who the cheaters are and have all contacts for them but it's the spouses I'm trying to find so search sites do me no good because I do not know any details of the spouses. There's no point contacting the cheaters because if they're so flagrant and sloppy with their affair that they would get together so openly like they did I figure me contacting them would either fall on deaf ears or just make them burry the affair more. As for HR my company won't have any blow back because they don't work for us, they're just a client and on their side, unfortunately, their company does not have a HR department, the owner who heads their company, I guess, would be in charge of anything HR related but he is also the cheating man's stepfather and since it was stressed everyone in their company knows about the affair, I can only assume the stepfather is also aware and a dead end for me to send a LinkedIn message to.

It's a sucky spot.

question: if I did find one of the spouse's details, should I wait until the new year to tell them? Would it be cruel to tell them right before Christmas? Both have kids apparently.

edit: I ask because I think I have found the wife.

[This message edited by LostInHisFog at 2:20 AM, Wednesday, December 11th]

I wound wait until Jan 2. Especially if they have kids.

Please have some solid proof or evidence so you are not dismissed.

This won’t be popular...

I would do nothing.

The APs are clients of the company I work for; I've never seen them before and my day-to-day has nothing to do with their company.

I know and understand the morally correct thing to do would be to let the spouse know, but you would/could be risking your job. My advice is based on my experience as a manager.

Unless your company is based on some moral-based service or foundation (as in the leading MC company in your area, a religious service or such...) then the actions of others outside of work is not their concern. If there was some such restriction your correct path would be to report this within your company. In probably 99.999% of companies, this is something involving two people that are not within the organization doing stuff that is not impacting the company...

Would be different if one was a client and another a coworker of yours, but both clients of your company at an event held and organized by your place of work... I would think HR has good grounds to take action based on you breaching expectations of client confidentiality or risking their business.

You could do this anonymously and possibly/likely get away with it, but how much value would one place in an anonymous e-mail, considering that to remain anonymous you would have to omit mentioning when and where you saw them, plus I don’t think you have any "proof" to corroborate your story other than maybe the testimony of others.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:44 AM, Wednesday, December 11th]

As a manager and insurance person, I have to support Bigger. You found this information out as a result of your work. You may well be bound to act in the best interest of your employer. It is unlikely that would involve risking the loss of business.

Currently there are 2 spouses presumably unaware of these POS's actions. These spouses are possible making life changing decisions based on their belief they have a solid relationship\partnership.

No telling how long I would've stayed oblivious to the XWW's cheating if someone hadn't informed me.

Do the right thing and contact them. Just use channels that you can remain anonymous if you feel the need to.

thank you everyone.

My only proof I have, is a complete stranger (me) knows the make/model/plate of the car, descriptions of both APs and what they were wearing that day, small amount of insider information on what they do in their company and what was said via the other woman at the table (namely where they travel for work, the towns, name of the hotel they stay at / share a room at.) I'm unsure if that is enough for a BS to pay attention.

TBH I was so relieved when I couldn't find either BS, but I confined in a friend who ended up finding her, so I have 100% the wife's contacts now.

Personally, I do want to tell her, absolutely, I have this festering indignation over all of this, but at the same time I don't want to blow up this woman's life, which it will, even a little. Without doxing myself too much I work in a restaurant, my hierarchy is really different to office life, my direct report reports to the owner who lives overseas and that's it, no HR, no one to call for my head and there is at least 30 of us who could be the anonymous source. I just truly just want to inform her but also not crush her which is the impossible ask.

I'm not going to rush into it, they do have kids under the age of 12 so I'm not going to do anything before Christmas, if I'm going to do anything at all.

Thank you again for being my sounding board, unless you've lived with infidelity, you're not aware of the many facets of fuckupness this is. Feel free to keep chiming in.

My neighbor and good friend found out about her husband's affair through an anonymous letter.

You don't have to provide identification. Just facts and let the betrayed spouse either do a little digging herself OR be in denial that her husband would do this.

Then let it go...

Since you have the contact info now, I would tell them now.

I disagree with waiting until after the holidays. It's a continued lie, that then pushes Christmas and New Years into the affair. Most likely including Christmas gifts and/or tainting New Year's kiss etc.

My 0.02. Either let them live the lie, or relieve them of it. Don't try to optimize the timing.

My DDay is 12/11 and if it was 1/2, I can only imagine it making things worse.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 11:35 PM, Thursday, December 12th]

I am on team EXPOSE.

There is an old adage "there is never a good day to die". And if not the holidays it would be something else. You can expose with compassion. You can inform without being cruel. Dragnet style - just the facts.

And...if you 1 of 30 possible subjects you can be anonymous.

I will say I will never forgive those who knew and did nothing.

YOU will not be blowing up this woman's life - her H already did that. She simply isn't aware that the bomb has hit yet.

I am also of the opinion that you should tell now.

Also on 'team expose' for all the reasons that have already been said by previous posters. The only thing I will add that I think may be new (but I may have missed it in one of the posts here), is that the feelings I have for the person that knew what my wife was doing and didn't tell me are... indescribable.

As someone already posted here I think, "can never forgive."

Context a bit different as this person was in our very close friend group (in fact a neighbor from across the street) and while not an 'active enabler' of my wife's affair, knew what was going on (my wife confided in her) and still carried on being my 'friend' through it all. Then when the shite it the fan, had the unmitigated gall to offer to listen to me and be a person I could 'lean on' through this because she was a 'friend' and loved us both. PUKE! This is when I hadn't yet discovered she knew what was going on.

As soon as I found-out she knew the whole time... dead to me. My wife played the, "don't be angry at her, be angry with me" card. Well, newsflash, I have enough anger for both of you, and then some to spare lol.

I still have to 'play nice' in the neighborhood, but that's what it is, an act. Makes my wife uncomfortable how well I pull it off (pretending to be nice and friendly neighbors) in this person's presence, but I don't give a toss. There will come a time where we won't be neighbors and when that happens, "unfriending" all around. And I will probably tell her husband at that time about the character of his wife and if she's willing to keep this kind of secret while carrying-on like she did with me... be careful.

I know you're not nearly as connected to these people, but knowing how awful the pain is, I could never live with myself if I knew the truth (even if I didn't know them) and said nothing.

I wouldn't give a toss about the timing. I know it sucks they have kids and it's the holidays, but the two having the A will have f'ed things up, not you. I sympathize with your position, but it really does no one any favors (particularly the kids) because there is no good time for someone to find out this crap.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for what they're worth.

[This message edited by dontlookbackinanger at 8:01 PM, Friday, December 13th]