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How do you know when reconciliation isn’t going to work? What were the signs?

For me, I should've probably know when he insisted in gaslighting me. When we talked with the OW, he wasn't loyal to me. And today, well he has a new A. So, watch the early signs. It will save time, effort and heartbreak.

My WS just is losing patience with my triggers….he tried to be supportive but he sucks at it. Too be fair he’s never been great at comforting. I just feel like he caused this mess he should be calm and supportive about cleaning it up!

For me, it was when he told me that he'd done it again. I was done.

TBH, I was realizing he wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner, I just hadn't pulled the plug yet.

He didn't do any homework
He was still changing some answers to a set of questions I asked at random times
He was still watching questionable stuff on YouTube
The eye rolls when I needed sympathy
Touching me when I said to ask permission first (sounds odd, but I had PTSD-like symptoms and would literally jump when he touched me)

It took me 18 months to get to the point where I called it. I was trauma-bonded, which is similar to bring co-dependent, and has to get to the spot where my head and heart were in the same spot.

For me, it was when the pain of staying was worse than the pain of leaving. I realized he was never going to be a safe partner, and he was never going to do the work or really even end the affair.

[This message edited by BearlyBreathing at 4:44 PM, Friday, December 6th]

Sometimes there aren't clear signs.

You know it’s time to end the relationship when you realize you will never be happy, despite trying your best.

When I was facing a D during my H’s affair, my very wise and expensive therapist told me that you can "successfully" D if you know you have tried your best and done your best to make it work — but you realize the marriage / relationship is not salvageable and you just will not be happy if you stay married or in the relationship.

Sometimes you have that moment of clarity - whether it’s something that occurs or just your own personal feelings that become that "aha" moment.

My moment came on dday2 that the marriage was over. He continued cheating while I thought we were Reconciling. One minute he’s 100% committed to the marriage and the next he’s wanting a D (yet again). I decided to get off the roller coaster and start putting ME first and stop worrying about a lying cheating jerk who was nothing more than a selfish person who didn’t care who he hurt as long as he got his own way.

And when I realized that for most of the summer he had me hanging in by a thread while HE decided whether he wanted me or the OW - well that was the final straw for me. I no longer cared about him or the marriage.

I cannot explain how we were able to reconcile except that he made some very serious changes and worked very hard for years making amends.

I grew up in a very, and I mean very abusive home. I got beat pretty regularly with whatever my mom was holding... shoes, spoons, pots, pans. She liked to aim for the face. She even tried to stab me in the chest with a kitchen knife. Imagine how that screws with one's mind...

Despite all of this, I thought that if I just moved the chess pieces one more time, she would finally be the mother I wanted. Then one day, I went to therapy, and my IC said, "You know, your mother is never going to change, right?" And so I let go of the hope that I could finally be good enough to get the outcome I wanted.

I was married to the same woman for 27 years. What I mean by that, is that she was exactly the same person she was at 22. She didn't mature or grow or develop or evolve. She did not have the capacity to change. After 6 months of inaction on her part after Dday,I realized what my IC had told me years ago. You know, she's never going to change, right?

I asked her a simple question one night. What are you doing to help me heal? And yes,I know the BS heals themselves,but I wanted to see some effort in fixing what she broke. She told me thatvsh couldn't be there for me until I was in a better place because I made her feel too guilty. It was then I realized she was never going to change. So I said I was done and went to bed.

You know when you know.

There is a counselor I like who says often in a martial relationship where you have a cheater and a loyal spouse, especially one who tries to forgive and save the marriage you have a giver or an extreme giver and an extreme taker.

The extreme taker will rarely change until the consequences are so great that it breaks them. That certainly doesn't guarantee lasting change either. The cheater or taker either values becoming a better partner or not. It's ugly but stats say most prefer to stay status quo. Hence cheaters are 300% more likely to cheat again.

The betrayed often see their cheater through same lens they view themselves and are yearning for their cheater to snap out of it. In reality, the loyal spouse is wanting them to snap into the picture of how they've always viewed their cheater. Just my OP.

If your spouse has brought great pain to you, your marriage, and your family and isn't fighting at least as hard as you to fix it, then it's probably wise to look at the situation a little more realistically and less fantastically. See them for who they are and the choices they've made. They have taken what they want. They are reconciling like they want and are treating you with the value they have for you. Are their values and integrity aligned with what you feel is conducive to honest love and respect from someone you're tieing your life too?

If you've been in reconciliation very long I'm certain they've seen your pain and have heard you're request. Do their actions not words show great value for those request?

Most takers will half ass it; cheaters by their nature manipulate scernios to keep their options open without fully giving themselves to anyone or anything. Yet they will go to great lengths to do what they want and get what they want.

I know this is a lengthy post but it's important for the betrayed to begin to look at things with an honest lens and start answering the hard questions. The most difficult thing imo is coming to the realization that you can't love them enough to heal. You can't work hard enough them to heal. You can't give enough for them to give to you. They understand the score and are doing what they want. They are also taking what you give and giving as they want.

From an analogy perspective - the taker probably wrecked a classic car, tarnished priceless jewelry, or trashed a mansion. You can't make them see the value in it. The best appraiser in the world won't help them either, until they take a deep look inside and see that priceless value for themselves. That value is losing someone who was willing to give them the gift of forgiveness and a second, third, or whatever number chance. This is the gift a real honest love.

If you can't radically answer with an honest positive response to most of these questions, then you will eventually close the book on this chapter when you've healed enough to realize your situation is toxic and you deserve better. A taker will most always continue to take when the benefits they are offered are of little to no cost to them.

The reason most cheaters don't run off into blissful happiness with their Affair Partner is because they are wise enough to see it's another extreme taker on the end of that damn hook.

When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving.

If today is not the day - you reserve the right to change your mind at any time.

How do you know when reconciliation isn’t going to work? What were the signs?

I think what you are really asking is when should you make a change. In general, in life decision making, if it is a coin toss whether to change or stay the course, take the path of change.