SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She has a new found interest in how I'm doing but frankly, when she calls and askes "how are you this morning, still emotional?"

Prior to my world collapsing, we were in the process of changing investment advisors opting for two different firms for a 1 year test (or so I thought). In that light, some of the work is already done but it gives me pause as to how long she been planning?

In an effort to extend an olive branch I suppose, she invited me to a ballroom dancing mixer near our beach condo. I had never been there prior but it was clear that she was a regular. If there was a silver lining, at least there was any apparent attention being paid by any of the men in the crowd but I did find it unsettling that just about every woman who approached us said "oh, you brought your husband tonight". I had never been to this ballroom and didn't know a single one of these women.

Wow, I see a picture in the following quotes from your comments. I think you do as well.

That ballroom dancing comment are the females (the women who made the comments) telling you something about your wife. First the women do not like her, second they are telling you she is quite the cheater. Think about the ramifications of it, then extrapolate what it means to suddenly bring you there (I can not even fully wrap my head around what her intentions were). Perhaps one of the women here could explain it to the both of us.

Protect yourself, lawyers bring them in, the time is now. Whatever you choose do not get caught unaware that she has been planning something and probably still is. I was caught surprise, I survived it, but not without its share of negativity.

Also secure the assets even ones not easily liquidated. It feels like to me she is playing for time, there must be reason for that action.

Your ww actually said you were worthy of her love,because you dug up crap about her boyfriend?

Your ww thinks she's the prize. You should knock her off that pedestal, sooner than later.

She basically told you you're Plan B.

I want to start by hoping everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving and that you all have something to be thankful for. I am thankful for a number of things, not the least of which is the support and insights from all of you.

My WW finally agreed to get tested for STD's. It was a line in the sand (as you all have stated). We discussed her reluctance to get tested and I'm not sure the answer moved the ball down the field (pardon the sports metaphor). The affair had been going on long enough that she felt that if there "was a problem" it would have manifested itself. Honestly, I was speechless.

I really don't know what's next?

She’s decided "you’re worthy of her love"?!?

That’s like nails on a chalkboard to me.

The question you must ponder is if she is worthy of your love.

We have both been reading "The Courage to Stay" which has helped frame some of the conversations I've had with my WW. Dr. K says that if you you both want to repair the relationship - you will. That is the operative question isn't it?

"Is she worth my love"? Believe me, I have pondered that question. Do I want to reconcile because I don't want to admit failure? In the near term I am working diligently towards reconciliation.

That said, we've done most of what a couple of divorce lawyers would have done to our assets. Bank accounts, investments, property and monthly bills have all split. We have separate financial advisors (different firms as well), she wants me on the zoom calls with her advisor and seeks my advice on the recommendations they make. Quite honestly, I'm numb after these exchanges. Even if we are able to reconcile, our finances will never again be "joint" and that's a casualty of this sorted affair that cuts me deeply.

Dr. K says that if you you both want to repair the relationship - you will.

I agree with that wholeheartedly - if you both want R enough to do the necessary work.

Frankly, I think the BH has the easy part - just process the grief, fear, anger, shame out of your body.

The difficult part for BSes is that usually, some resistance almost always pops up. It's usually very difficult work to resolve the resistances, and you have to resolve them in order to process your pain from being betrayed.

The WS needs to process their own pain out of their body, and they have to resolve their resistances, and they have to change from cheater to good partner. IMO, that change takes all the work BSes need to do and more. Remorse is like karma coming to get you while you're still in this life and while you know it'll get you in your next one, too.

Many WSes just can't or won't bring themselves to do the work necessary to R. Many BSes, too....

Do I want to reconcile because I don't want to admit failure?

TL;DR - Don't choose R unless everything you perceive tells you your WS is a good candidate for R. Also, don't choose R unless you want to spend the rest of your life with your WS. You may choose to stay together for practical reasons, but that's not R - that's just practical.

One can 'work on the M' and test the WS to find out if the WS is a good candidate for R, but I think it's best not to commit to R until you know the BS is a good candidate.

One always, IMO, has healthy and unhealthy reasons for doing pretty much anything. IMO, it's normal and healthy to know that life is risky and to fear bad or even unexpected outcomes. But even though something like fear may be part of the decision to R, my reco is not to choose R unless you see R as a way of making a joyful life.

Same with D. D is the better choice if you no longer want to spend the rest of your life with your WS. It's the better choice if your WS is not a good candidate for R or if your WS simply won't do the necessary work, even if it took years to figure those things out.

But D is a worse choice if it's chosen as a way of avoiding the work of healing. No matter what your resolution is, IMO BSes who don't do their healing work doom themselves to a life of more pain and less joy than they can get.