SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m currently sitting at just over 5 years since my (still) wife cheated on me with her HS boyfriend (her Achilles - the One.)
We were 50 years old w3 kids and a 24 year, 281 day marriage at the time. I caught her red handed thru 4129 emails+ texts but decided to try to work things out because I love(d) her & because of the kids. Two are out of the house now and the third will be leaving for college after next school year. They do not know.
Since D-day, our journey towoard recovery has been riddled w her hesitation & utter reluctance to help me. We eventually did counselling for a while but I stopped it since things were going well and I was in a good place. She won’t go back now and doesn’t even want to discuss our relationship unless I force the issue. I’ve been told basically to figure out what works for best me when I’m in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it.
Does anyone know of self-help books or other resources specifically for someone staying in a broken marriage even though the wayward is unwilling to continue to work toward reconciliation?
Thank you,
-BrokenBewildered

Since you used the "love(d)" in the possible past tense, the question is, do you WANT to stay married to her? If you are staying for the kids, it looks like the window of opportunity of choice is opening.

The comment of "figure out what works for you when in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it" seems shockingly cold. Was this from your wife?

If so, I'm a giant believer in disrupting things I don't accept, why not disrupt the status quo of her comfortable place in your marriage indicating that you are not interesting in continuing this "relationship" especially if she has "the one" who is not you in her mind.

You seem to think you are trapped and unhappy, none of us are trapped or ever have been. Everything is a choice.

I agree with hardy fool. With your youngest in their last year of high school, this is a good time to reevaluate your decision to stay in the marriage. You don’t have to make any fast moves, but maybe it’s time to emotionally turn away from your wife, focus on yourself, and think about what the next steps are.

Your kids might be traumatized no matter when you split, but I don't see how you can be happy for the next 3.5 decades living with a partner who pines for someone other than you. When your kids leave home, all the time and energy they took up becomes free. It's a great time for a good M, but I imagine it's a terrible time for a bad one.

Why stifle yourself?

What do you expect from the books your seek?

I'm very sorry for your pain. IMO, every day you continue in this M in which you (may) love your W but she loves someone else probably increases your pain. At least staying with my W during her A - knowing there was a problem show would not address - increased mine.

You can stop adding pain, and you can heal from the pain you've absorbed already - but you have to change what you've been doing.

Are you in IC? If not, is IC something you'd go for?

Does anyone know of self-help books or other resources specifically for someone staying in a broken marriage even though the wayward is unwilling to continue to work toward reconciliation?

You are getting into the "what does it all mean" years, so it’s worth stepping back from the affair specifically and asking, what does it all mean?

Books that I’ve found useful include

F*ck Feelings

Book by Michael Bennet and Sarah Bennett

The author is a psychologist. It’s a funny and insightful book.

He has a manifesto on an associated web page, here’s some of it…

Most things that make you feel bad aren’t within your control, so sharing your feelings won’t make you feel better for long. If you expect to feel good when you can’t, you’ll feel worse, not just because you’ll be disappointed, but because you’ll feel personally responsible for your pain. You feel like a failure, a loser, someone who’s lost his groove and can’t get it back.

And focusing on your bad feelings makes them more important, so you’ll forget other important things in your life that might make you feel better in the long run, like doing your best, making a living, being a good friend, and, in a general way, living up to your values. Then there’s all the research showing that feelings of pain and disappointment cause you to think and act negatively, which causes more pain and disappointment. So spending too much time with your feelings is dangerous for your health. My advice is, fuck ‘em.

Instead, consider your goals, which is what you want to do after accepting what you can’t change. I know, you’ve got lots of feelings about what you can’t change and you’d prefer to ask why rather than accept what you consider as defeat. But here’s the advice that I think can be most helpful: fuck that shit. You’re never defeated if what’s stopping you is reality. Defeat is wasting your time complaining about what you can’t change or trying to control it when you know you can’t. Defeat is being an idiot about not giving up on your wishes. Victory is putting up with the pain and humiliation of reality and trying to make things better anyway.

So goals are not just wishes or feelings– they’re what you want to do after you eat the shit of reality, because the alternative of pretending that it will go away is even worse. I can’t tell you why you should accept a terrible deal, only that we’re living in a harsh, unfair world and that’s the way it is. If you want to make the best of it and the messy, sad unfairness of life, I want to help. Otherwise, you’re whining. You’ve got good reason to whine, but it’s not helpful, so don’t do it. That’s what my advice is about.

Can you change your wife? Not sounding like it. Sounds like at least right now, you live with her as she is or you make a change that you can control.

I love the Eckhard Tolle stuff, books, audio books, and YouTube video.

Peter Ralston’s The Book of Not-Knowing has some deep truths.

Again, it’s about effecting a change with you. None of these things need to be affair-specific. They are about seeing the truth in things.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 4:42 PM, Monday, November 4th]

I’ve been told basically to figure out what works for best me when I’m in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it.

This sounds weird to me. Almost like permission to have your own affair or some similar sorta garbage.

So, the way I look at it, you got two or three different things to address here, and finding a book isn't really gonna be as helpful as you might want it to be... mostly because of how personal this shit is.

First thing first - taking care of yourself. You are a living example to your kids for how to properly deal with it when shit hits the fan. It's five years past dday, but it doesn't make it any less important... and depression can be one of those recurring bastards that hit yearly like taxes.

Depression is all to common for these things, and finding ways to keep yourself afloat is important. Exercise, medication, journaling, meditation, etc... you know yourself best for what is going to help address that piece of the shitfest.

You are strong and you've been through the worst part of the pain already, yeah?

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Secondly, you've got to protect yourself. While you have posted in the reconciliation, which shows you believe yourself or want yourself to be reconciling... I personally can't help but notice two important details you mentioned. That your oldest is close to graduating and that she is reluctant and hesitant.

These two things lead me to suspect that she might be dragging the marriage out until the oldest graduates and plans to initiate a divorce once that happens.

My advice in response is to watch out for clues of this, and safeguard yourself if you find them. I doubt you want to be blindsided by yet another surprise if she is planning on on divorce.

This includes finding hobbies or stuff that you enjoy doing and would continue to enjoy if you two separate. Fav foods? TV shows? Etc. Etc.

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Lastly, it sounds an awful lot like you're unwilling to entirely commit to reconciliation because she hasn't shown she's willing to put in the effort... which is more than fair on your part.

I don't know what either you are her are looking for with regards to signs that your relationship is on the mend, but if you haven't even considered what those signs would be, then I'd suggest putting some thought into it.

Course, the reverse of the optimist is the pessimist and you could also put in thought to what the signs are that the marriage is doomed to fail... if you do this, though, then don't forget to also consider what you will do when you find those signs.

Wishing you strength!

Sounds like she's totally unrepentant and doesn't even feel like she did anything wrong.

When she just says "Well, work something out for yourself" what I hear is "I don't really care about what you're going through and I have no desire to help you through it at all. In fact, I can't even be bothered to listen to you or think about it."

Sounds like any time you've tried to broach the subject, she bristles and you back down.

So, yeah, you have not, in fact, recovered at all. You've swept it all under the rug.

Whenever you rug-sweep, the problems that still need to be dealt with just kind of fester there and grow worse. They can even create physical health problems. You can tell that time doesn't heal anything, because this still bothers you so much after 5 years of what you describe as relative peace. (It's not peace at all, it's just a lack of surface turbulence.)

So now you have to decide if you can live with the status quo or if you would like to change yourself and your environment for the better. I can tell you which one I would choose, but no one can or should make that call for you.

-Mindjob

I’m sorry you are married to a cold hearted unfeeling person.

Given the situation, your wife is right. You have to figure out how to heal yourself because she is willing to provide nothing.

Zero. Nada. Zilch.

I’m not going to disparage or disrespect your wife. It’s unfortunate she is the way she is.

But honestly, she appears to believe she is in control of the situation and she does not expect YOU to up-end the marriage, her life, your family etc.

I was you. My H continued to cheat on me with the sane OW during his midlife crisis affair. Sux months of him telling me he was D me. Six months of him telling me everything that was wrong with me. Six months of him blaming me for his unhappiness.

The day I snapped and had enough was almost 11 years ago. I walked in the room and very calmly said three sentences. "I am Divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. You are free to go and be with the OW or anyone else you choose".

Turned and left the room. He thought he was going to sweet talk me by apologizing and smoothing things over. I took away his power, decisions making ability that had anything to do with me AND I told him he had to leave.

I’m sharing this with you b/c YOU control your life. You cannot live to make your kids happy by staying in a marriage where you are not happy or fulfilled etc. I’m just using that as an example to say you deserve to be happy.

And if your wife doesn’t want to support your healing, you either accept that and heal yourself OR figure out what you need to be happy.

Maybe some individual professional counseling would help you. It certainly helped me and was the reason we were able to Reconcile.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:48 AM, Sunday, November 24th]

Since D-day, our journey towoard recovery has been riddled w her hesitation & utter reluctance to help me.

I’ve been told basically to figure out what works for best me when I’m in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it.

I'm sorry your WS is a person with no empathy. I would be planning my exit if I were you.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 5:50 PM, Tuesday, November 26th]

Hello BorkenBewildered,

I am really sorry that not only did you get betrayed, but you are also forced to deal with that wound by yourself from the same person that inflicted it to you.

I’ve been told basically to figure out what works for best me when I’m in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it.

What your WW fails to understand is that she is the one who put you in this crisis when she decided to cheat on you, but somehow she seems to believe that this is your problem to deal with and you should find ways to control your pain so as not to keep bothering her any further.

Unfortunately, I did the same thing your wife does to you to my BH (then boyfriend), although I never told him something like that, but rather internally expected him to "drop it" at some point. It is no excuse, but the fact is that being in our early twenties I had no idea back then about the existence of betrayal trauma (and truthfully, didn't even do any research, basically ending up leaving him to deal with it on his own) and thought that he was choosing not to let go.

18 years later, the betrayal wound, which had remained swept under the rug all these years, reopened and started oozing worse and more fierce than ever before. Knowing now the pain I put him through with my infidelity, I can't ever imagine not trying to be there when he is in pain or have the audacity to even think that he is the one who is in crisis right now so he should deal with it on his own.

Has your WW done any sort of work on herself regarding her infidelity? Has she read any books about it, has she been in IC? Why do you think it is that you accept her behavior and non-existing accountability? What is it that you fear? It is evident from the words you have written in your post that it bothers you - even way more than you seem to believe - and you are most certainly not in a happy place. I understand that you love her and you are clearly willing to give her a second chance and move forward. She has no idea how lucky she is. Many waywards never even had that chance - and quite fairly so. But she has to work for it, show you at least the basic signs of love and remorse, or else I am afraid you will never be happy.

I truly wish you the best.

[This message edited by Mage at 11:57 PM, Friday, December 6th]

The person you married - for whatever reason - "died" more than 5 years ago.

Your post says you are unhappy and your wife is not interested or making ANY effort to assuage your concerns and emotional state with regard to the status of your relationship.

How many more years before you figure out how to improve your happiness in living.

Look up "Waitedwaytolong" post.

Wish you luck -

Let me summarize what all the resources say about staying with a woman who doesn’t love you:

"Don’t. Leave."

I know it’s hard. It’s so hard I couldn’t do it. But I should have. I should have.

You've put up with it for five years. It's going to be hard for her to believe that it's bothering you now all of the sudden unless you have been making a stink this whole time.

Sounds like she has told you to "suck it up and deal".

Honestly, I think your best bet for reconciliation is to prepare seriously for divorce. I'm not saying you want to divorce at all, but with this preparation you are able to leave the marriage when she chooses to ignore you again. If you aren't willing to lose the marriage, you can't save it.

This is always a bit confusing, and I don't mean this as a manipulation play at all. It's not "threaten divorce". It's just that if you aren't actually prepared for divorce, most WS can feel there is no real pressure to change.

Once you are comfortable with your divorce option. Weigh the cost of divorce against the perceived value and effort of R. Then you can choose to offer R one more time, maybe with a much more specific plan and set of demands as to what you need in this M. You don't need to mention the D at this time. If she says, "Look, figure out what works for you". Say "I've given it some thought, and I guess what works for me is divorce".

I personally do not think she is "waiting you out" to initiate divorce once the kids leave. More likely, you bring significant net positive utility to her life and she prefers you to stick around in whatever capacity you are willing to serve her at.

I’ve been told basically to figure out what works for best me when I’m in crisis and use whatever it is to get through it.

In the same vein as the advice HardyFool gave you (though he is far from a fool)... I would visit an attorney that you trust, get divorce paperwork drawn up, sign the petition in the lawyer's office but tell him to wait for your word on when to file but get a copy of the paperwork for you to take home. Take the copy and hide it in a secure, hidden place. Next time you're in crisis and you go to your WW and she tells you to figure out what works best for you... grab the paperwork and tell her "After 5 years, I have decided that this works best for me" and give her the paperwork. Tell her to wait for the official process server to serve her with the file-stamped paperwork which will be in a couple of days but you're off to call your attorney to tell him to file.

That will shake her up and disrupt things.

NOTE: I was tempted to tell you to get the paperwork and just leave it on the kitchen counter for her, but realized you still had a child in the house that doesn't know about the situation who could stumble across the paperwork.

It's clear after 5 years something drastic has to happen to make any sort of worthwhile change in the relationship. Time to decide what actions you want to take or keep living in this untenable limbo.

BTW if her Achilles Heel HS boyfriend was married/in a long-term relationship 5 years ago when the affair happened, I sure hope you had the decency at the time to inform the OBS of their actions.

What's the point of having signed papers in one's back pocket? Why wait, if BrokenBewildered wants to D? Am I missing something in your reco?

And if you're advising using D as a threat, it'll worsen his position unless he files if his W doesn't step up - and it's unlikely that the woman described by BrokenBewildered will step up. I BB isn't ready to file, the ultimatum is likely to fail, IMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:06 PM, Wednesday, December 11th]

Because:

We eventually did counselling for a while but I stopped it since things were going well and I was in a good place. She won’t go back now and doesn’t even want to discuss our relationship unless I force the issue.

It appears his WW is firmly in the rug-sweeping 'why can't you get over this, it was 5 years ago?' mode. In order to break this logjam imposed by his WW, something drastic appears to be called for. If he truly wants to divorce her, then by all means he should file and have her served. If he thinks there is possibility to recover the marriage because they stopped counseling too soon but his wife won't go back to counseling or talk about the relationship/affair, then some sort of change in the dynamic must occur. Although I admit that I am assuming BrokenBewildered has attempted multiple times over the past years to get his wife to open up to have honest ongoing discussions (which for obvious reasons he has not listed said attempts since it would be an exercise in frustration.) Maybe my assumption is wrong and BrokenBewildered has suffered silently for these past few years- never broaching the subject with his wife? If so, I apologize...but I'd bet a significant amount of money that has not occurred.

And if you're advising using D as a threat, it'll worsen his position unless he files if his W doesn't step up

How will it worsen his position? He can file at any point-- there is not a "Best Used By Date" on a prepared divorce petition, nor is there a statute of limitations for filing after the discovery of infidelity. It will show his wife he has actively taken steps to end the marriage that he is currently unsatisfied with. Again, how will it worsen his position? Will it cause the WW to run back to the AP and resume the affair? Doubtful.. but I guess anything can happen and then BrokenBewildered has at least an answer.

Again, I cannot see how it will worsen his position. To be honest, I can't see how his position can be worsened at this point after 5 years of limbo.

Does anyone know of self-help books or other resources specifically for someone staying in a broken marriage even though the wayward is unwilling to continue to work toward reconciliation?

Sorry BrokenBewildered simply reading a book on your own is not going to change your relationship or your feelings. You can go to IC to work on you. But, again I'm assuming so shoot me, I assume you've been reading this site (which is a very high level quality of therapy in itself,) watching videos and reading elsewhere for the past several years. You have probable learned to cope as best you can... maybe an IC can provide better forms of coping and thought exercises. But a better way to spend your money might be to putting down a retainer for an attorney.

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