SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, this is my first post. I found texts today whilst trying to reduce storage on my late husband’s phone where he is arranging to meet up with escorts in hotels for huge sums of money, arranging massages in women’s homes, hook ups for sex locally and when I put his email in only fans he has an account there too. I’ve been grieving his sudden death for the last few months and this has hit me so badly I don’t even know the man I’ve been living with for the last 14 years of my life. I feel so hurt and betrayed and don’t know how to deal with this. He would always profess his love for me and our children but obviously it was all lies or he wouldn’t be doing what he did. It’s really hit my self esteem which has always been low and I’m wondering how he could do this to me. I feel so stupid for falling for his lies too and being so blindly trusting. I’ve gone from wanting him back more than anything to feeling hate for him which is awful. How do I process this when he’s not here to ask why?

I’m so sorry for your terrible situation. It truly is a nightmare.

How do I process this when he’s not here to ask why?

It is a fairly universal instinct in the face of betrayal to try to find out details and understand why. It completely makes sense that you would want to be able to question him to get your answers, and now on top of the betrayal you have been robbed of that opportunity to ask your questions. I hurt for you.

If there is any good news in this, it’s that you must quickly learn the difference between learning about the affair and your own personal healing. They are completely different things, but many betrayed (me included) conflate the two early on. You must heal, even without your questions answered. And you can. You really can.

I strongly recommend individual therapy. Process your feelings there, and get good advice on how weather the storms. Read and post here. We understand the pain of betrayal. You may find comfort in the stories here and learn that most waywards have strong similarities. You may even be able to find good enough answers to "why" here. In the end, answers to "why" for infidelity are never satisfying.

Wish you so much healing.

[This message edited by InkHulk at 10:20 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

Uggh, so horrible to hear, PS24. But a thought…

He would always profess his love for me and our children but obviously it was all lies or he wouldn’t be doing what he did.

Delete the word "obviously" because you will never really know what went on in his noggin. In his heart. He would hardly be the first person to live a double life, enjoying the warmth and security of his home, and…the other life. Tiger Woods, anyone? Supermodel wife? And on and on and on.

His behavior is very little about you and everything about him.

Of course you wished he didn’t have this behavior stemming from a monstrous character flaw, but now that you know some of the truth of him…are you glad you know that truth?

Welcome to SI and so sorry for your loss and the betrayal. There are some posts pinned at the top of the forum that we encourage new members to read. Also, there are some with bull's eye icons that are good. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information, and includes the list of acronyms we use.

If you can, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. If you're having difficulty eating, be sure to eat something even if it's only a protein drink. If you have problems with depression or sleeping, see your doctor because meds may help you short term.

We do have members who dealt with infidelity after their spouse passed. It is rough because you aren't able to ask them questions. I hope they read your post and can chime in.

Please see a grief counselor. I think it will definitely help you.

I am sorry for your loss and the fact you found out he was cheating. It will be difficult to heal but you can do this!! It just takes time.

What an awful thing to find out at such a terrible time.
I want to reinforce what others have said. His choices have nothing to do about you. When in the initial shocking hard not to blame yourself. But please do not. He did this because he was clearly a very broken man.
Now because I'm a health professional and no one else has said this you absolutely need to get full STD testing now and repeat in 6 months. This means a full pelvic.exam.and blood work. He was active with high risk individuals. You have to stay healthy for your kids.
Also ask your Dr for a grief counselor and if you are struggling to sleep and eat you may need some medication to help you get through this. It's a very real trauma to lose your spouse unexpectedly and then finding this out on top doubles things the trauma the fight flight respone etc.

Continue to reach out here. We are a great community withan6 wonderful people.

Ok, I’ve been betrayed as well as have many/most of us here. Yours is quite awful in that you can’t really hope for answers or closure.

I’m not a cheater, but as a man, I do know it was likely that he did love you and your children, possibly even fervently. Men can compartmentalize sex differently and don’t always associate all sex with live. He undoubtedly had psych issues or a porn addiction that let him to seek outside sex, admittedly a cruel betrayal, but my wife claims love for me despite throwing herself into arms of another man (years ago now).

Impossible for me to get into his head, but it might be unnecessarily damaging to you to jump to the conclusion that he was conducting an elaborate sham on you and your kids. He was a betrayer and damaged, but he may have still held you up in his heart/mind. Tough, I know, but this site is full of cheating men who report to love their wives throughout.

I feel your agony, even though I don’t know you. But I do know the trauma of discovering your one and only had been leading a hidden life. You are most likely feeling many of the symptoms of shock. Tushnurse’s advice is absolutely golden. Keep moving forward, and the first step should be to your doctor. Then keep going with grief counseling. I have read that a betrayed spouse goes through the same grief process as a bereaved person. I have personally found this to be true, so I expect that you will feel like you are grieving two deaths, your husband’s and your marriage. You may be able to get through all this grief and suffering on your own, but it will take a lot of time and sadness before you navigate this terrible puzzle. Go get professional help from someone who has guided others through this hellish landscape. You will get good advice and support here, please know that you are not alone and you are nothing but normal for feeling like you do.

About ten years after my Dday, my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 uterine cancer. I was still very angry about her EA and lack of remorse and I had just discovered a month or two before that she had networked with him on LinkedIn. I was now angry that I was so conflicted. I know, pretty petty thinking about my own feelings when my wife was facing a potentially fatal illness. But have to admit, it kept going through my mind that the betrayal had even muddied my role as supporter and protector. I did get over myself and was able to support her, but I think I understand a little of your conflicted feelings. Wishing you the best.

Thank you all for your support and advice and for sharing your own experiences. I had already started seeing a counsellor to process his death as it was traumatic as I had to perform CPR and then allow his life support to be withdrawn in hospital when the doctors said he couldn’t recover. I saw the counsellor today and poured it all out which helped and a lot of what she said resonates with the replies here. It’s been hard to sleep and work today but I’m still eating and taking care of the kids. Thank you to the posters sharing from a male point of view, I find it really difficult to understand how you could love your spouse and also do this to them but that’s just looking at it from a woman’s point of view. I am seeing my doctor next week so will get some advice around STD testing and I think I could do with some antidepressants as I’m feeling so low and hopeless right now. It’s just so hurtful and cruel

Also the messages go back several years so I’ve been duped for a long time

I am so sorry you experienced this.

Sending ((virtual hugs))

I gently concur with tush that taking exquisite care of one’s health is important. I found that health care providers differed in terms of their knowledge and expertise with thorough std testing and betrayal trauma. I was very fortunate to have compassionate and knowledgeable providers and was given thorough testing that was repeated at an appropriate interval and paid for by my health insurance.