SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, everyone
I found this site and see it is a wealth of information.
I'm glad I'm not alone in this one.
Brief background: Married for the second time. The second wife is much younger and we have two small children. She decided to stray from the marriage shortly after the second child was born, getting a boob job and other cosmetic changes to make her more attractive physically. I always had the suspicion that she was beginning to look for a replacement and after being gaslight for months, with her telling me I was paranoid and should take medicine, I found texts between her and her boss, complete with dick pics and full frontal nudies from her in the bathtub. The latter were taken just behind a closed door while my kids and I watched TV. Class act. Just don't know what to do.
The kids are very precious.
My parents tell me to focus on the kids and ignore the wife. She's pursuing a fantasy. Take care of yourself.
Any suggestions from those that have been here?
Thanks
C

I wouldn't sweep it under the rug the way your parents are suggesting. Unless of course, you are fine with her having an affair as long as she always come home to you.

You don't write much about how this makes you feel or what you want here. That might help with advice.

I will say this: She will treat you like you allow her to treat you.

He is her boss. The company might frown on that. Also if he is married let his wife know immediately.

Your wife might be the kind to try to “trade up", when truthfully she would be trading down and so would he.

We have very little to go on here. What do you want? It might help you to visit an attorney to see options should she decide to leave the marriage…or you might. Also if this is affecting your sleep and appetite see a dr for some temporary meds.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 8:57 PM, Monday, October 21st]

Sure hope she signed a pre-nup…..

My parents tell me to focus on the kids and ignore the wife.

Just to be clear, divorce is not inconsistent with your parents advice.

Check out the healing library here. Pay particular attention to the simplified 180.

If my parents had told me to focus on the children and ignore the wife, I would be FURIOUS!

Are they suggesting it is ok to be betrayed? Is it because they selfishly think they want to be able to see the children so who cares if their dad is being betrayed??

I would take photos of the evidence, contact the boss’s wife and speak to her at the same time. Be prepared to be more gaslit and lied to. Your wife has no morals.

Protect yourself and the children and do not allow your parents to gaslight you more than they have already done.

What kind of support do you expect from this community?

[This message edited by Fantastic at 12:26 PM, Tuesday, October 22nd]

Hi
Yes, I didn't supply much information b/c I didn't want to burden people with too much information.
Wife's behavior is awful.
First, I've already been through one divorce and custody battle. Wifey 1 wanted to return to her home country and I had to stay for work. She's still here.
Sticking around for the kids is often a response initially as we try to sort out our feelings. It gives us some stability.
Also, making a life altering decision without letting some time pass is also the wrong move. It's an organic process.
I have a PI on her to fill out the rest of the puzzle for adultery in my state. I also have feelers out to look at speaking with her boss and others. These things take a little time to be done right. I'm sleeping OK.
I'm also older and so I see things in a different light. No excuses. But I've seen the worst in human behavior. This is not the worst I've seen.
She is trying to trade up. There's no way this guy would marry her. I don't know many 50 year old men who would want to go through a divorce and marry a twice married divorcee with two little kids. Plus in my state it takes a while to go through a divorce.
I feel awful but she has been an awful wife since the initial love bombing stage was over. I'm used to the shitty behavior and as more time passes my respect for her diminishes to almost zero.
Believe me, other people know what's going on with her. The women at the office surely know.. And this guy surely is telling his buddies about this married woman who is sexting him. I suspect they think it's funny in a tragic way. Another reason this guy wouldn't marry her. Can you imagine?
I have a pre and post nup with her so the finances are fine. The kids are the only uncertain issue.
What do I want here? Just some support as I go through this since I don't want to speak to many people about my crappy life.
But right now, I'm watching TV with the kids and she is out with a girlfriend (truthfully) getting loaded and stuffing her face.
She's trash. I have to chart my new life with the kids. It takes time. But I will be in a better position in the near future.
Thanks for the kind and helpful words.

Sorry that you're joining us and welcome to SI. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that we encourage newbies to read, along with those with the bull's eye icon. You might have to scroll down to find those. The Healing Library is a great resource and has the list of acronyms we use.

For me, IC (Individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist was very helpful for my healing process. My XWH has a personality disorder, and I dealt with a lot of gaslighting. I found Dr. Ramani's YouTube videos helpful in understanding the gaslighting and other emotional abuse he put me through.

Remember, your children will learn about relationships from you. How you and your WW (wayward wife) treat each other is probably what they will mirror in their relationships.

Practice self-care at this time and take care of you and your children.

Thanks, lea fields,
The current wife certainly does have a personality disorder along with zero morals.
Dr Ramani's vids are good. She has helped me a lot with narcs and cheating. She is right on.
The kids are learning about parenting and relationships. That, I can agree with, easily.
My eldest from the first marriage is an excellent kid. And even though I miss her terribly when she is gone our relationship is rock solid. It might not have been that way if I stayed married to the first wife, who consistently tried to alienate me from my kid.
I'll keep you all posted as time passes. This will turn out OK. The more time I spend around the current wife the more miserable I am.
She is just an awful, self centered bimbo: drinks every day, takes prozac and diet pills, runs to the cosmetic surgeon for the latest skin treatment to make her look younger. The list goes on.
Thanks to all.

Very sorry you find yourself here. Thanks for filling in more of the background. My heart goes out to your children to have such a self absorbed, selfish mother. The behavior you describe is not only painful for you, but being so absorbed with your looks and men, leaves little time for precious children. Please keep notes and document times when she neglects her children. This info is important down the line as you probably know having gone thru a custody battle. Take care of you and your kids as much as you can. Good luck.

Merci, fareast - keeping a journal of the times is key. I recall doing this the first time around and it helped.
Enjoy the evening.

Just wanted to make one post before work this morning so those that have been kind enough to offer some guidance and suggestions know petty much all there is to know.
There is a significant age difference between us; different countries, class backgrounds, education etc.
She has been consistently verbally abusive for all the time we've been together. Mostly via email. And I've kept many of these emails.
She has also hit me a few times when there has been conflict. When she doesn't get her way, etc. I've never retaiiated.
She has cheated me out of money, and acted in very unscrupulous ways when it comes to estate planning and looking after the kids.
Her anger over the years has resulted in broken doors, her foot going through a wall, furniture being thrown in the pool, dishes thrown against the wall, to name a few.
I believe she has cheated on me multiple times over the years but I was consistently told I was imagining things, I was paranoid, I needed meds.
Stupidly, I sucked up these abuses because I saw similar behavior from my parents (just the yelling and throwing stuff) and because I really wanted to have a family. I love kids and my home.
Strangely - and perhaps most sick - I have taken her on several European vacations this year, largely in an effort to show her what kind of a husband I am, and she continued to act in ways immediately after the trip that suggested she was cheating (overnight business trips, party dresses in her overnight bag, etc.)
Even more strange, her social media pages have nothing but us as a happy family and happy kids.
I think I'm finally coming around to th conclusion that she is probably th worst individual I've known. Maybe there are worse people out there.
Comments are welcome but please don't tell me I should have left her years ago. I realize that now but I truly love my little boy. It's my only connection to my Dad who passed away a few years back. And I can't imagine the look on his face when I have to tell him that Mom and Dad won't be living together anymore.
My first divorce was the same way. My little girl crying for her Dad as the ex drove away in her beat up SUV.
I'll be able to see some light eventually. But right now, and especially after reading her texts, where she commented on her boss' dick, nights out they had planned, and her boob shots to him, I know I could never stay with someone as disrepectful and morally bankrupt.

I wouldn’t beat yourself up about not leaving sooner. It sounds like she has put you through a lot through the years. Is it possible you might end up with full or half time custody of your son? You describe her as a person who’s using you. Your weren’t specific about what was included in the pre nup and post nup, but it sounds like she might experience a lifestyle decline if you left her. She may be counting on child support to help minimize that.

And I can't imagine the look on his face when I have to tell him that Mom and Dad won't be living together anymore.

From what you have shared with us about her behaviour such as throwing furniture in the pool, kicking doors and walls your child is HIGHLY TRAUMATISED and there is no way custody would be on her.

Please take your child away from that crazy woman ASAP even if she is his mother she is really a negative example.

No one will tell you you should have left years ago, but you can leave now.

Christ, what a disaster woman

Thanks for the comments, and yes, I know: I should've left her years ago. Now I am in a pickle.
I'm trying to let her hang herself on the infidelity issue. One other item has to be documented for adultery to be satisfied in my state.
The AP is actually an MD she works with and he is married. From the texts I think he likes the idea of messing around with my wife, but from the latest texts I've been collecting she is clearly the pursuer.
There is a ton of prep work to be done before I can get out the door and I don't know whether I should expose their relationship and her behavior as we are separated and moving towards divorce.
However, much I think her AP is a complete scum for being part of this tryst - I'm sure he realizes this will lead to the break up of a family - I feel like it would be sweet justice to warn him of her behavior and what she has done over the years.
Any thoughts by those that might have been there before? Thanks.

Expose the A to his wife. She deserves to know the truth of her life.

Obviously, let the PI document the "smoking gun" so your pre/post-nups fully kick in etc. and THEN yes, definitely, inform the Other Betrayed Spouse.

I have the distinct pleasure of having been both a BS and a child when my mom had an A and my parents divorced. I don't have a lot of time today but you can look up some of my other posts discussing my feelings about "staying for the kids" and I am strongly against it when an affair is involved, largely because of my own childhood experience. Yes my parents separating and divorcing was hard - initially. But the peace and serenity that followed for my and my sibling was so much better than living in a house where the tension was palpable. Your wife's behavior is not helping your kids. Having to live in that environment is SO mentally damaging as a child. IDK how young your kids are but the younger the better IMO as far as leaving goes. My parents separated when I was around 10 and my sibling was 5. She had a MUCH easier time of it than I did - in the house when my parents were still married and she had a much easier time when they separated.

Im sorry you are here - really. I will see if I can't find a post of my detailing this experience just to give you some perspective of a kid who actually walked the walk (granted my parents did not have the abusive behavior your WW is displaying - that IMO makes it even more urgent for you to get your kids out of that situation).

You owe the AP nothing but cold distain.

I feel like it would be sweet justice to warn him of her behavior and what she has done over the years.

Don’t bother. He clearly doesn’t care. I doubt he intends to marry her anyway. He’s already getting what he wants. There’s no need for more. And it would give him the opportunity to attempt to belittle you and make you feel infinitely just to pump up his arrogant self inflated ego. It’s not true but he doesn’t deserve that opportunity.

His spouse is a completely different story. She needs to know…..