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I (BH/66) caught her (WW/55) 8 years ago in what turned out to be a(n) (at least) 3 1/2 year (supposedly) emotional only (yeah right) affair with old BF from a relationship some 25 years prior (we've been married 20 years). It's possible it was an EA only because I know from intercepted texts and other details he is impotent - doesn't mean she didn't TRY though, right? Isn't trying the same as a PA? I think it is.

Enough details for now.

I never actually made a decision to stay - I just never left - if that makes any sense. Since I'm still here, I guess we're "reconciling".

My situation is this:

My WW has 3 love stories. 1) Us when we meet. 2) Her and her AP's love story. 3) Her falling back in love with me and being forgiven, love story. Beautiful romances all of them!

I have no love story. Us? - she destroyed that love story. I'm a romantic guy. I loved our original love story. Now, I have nothing.

She gets to live the rest of her life realizing her BH took her back and forgave her. What a GREAT story of love!!

What's mine? My cheating wife came back to me? Not much to feel good about there.

Just more of the unfairness of the situation that I can't get out of my mind.

Any one have any helpful ideas to reframe my thought process?

Or is this just something else I need to learn to forget about, stuff way down into the deep recesses of my brain, and hope/pray it (and all the others) never see the light of day again?

I’m sorry you had to find us here at Surviving Infidelity. However you will get great advice and support.

So you caught your wife 8 years ago in an affair. Whether emotional or physical or both, it’s cheating and lying and it’s AN AFFAIR.

I will tell you that living in limbo in a marriage or relationship is like living in hell. You are unhappy and unable to make a decision on whether to Divorce or Separate or Reconcile.

Let’s focus on you. Not the marriage but you. Did you attempt therapy at all (just for you)? Would you consider it again if you did — maybe with someone different?

What has your wife done to help you heal? Anything concrete you can think of, make note of it. Is she still doing it today or was it just a short period of time that she focused on your healing and making amends?

As far as healing, I think the one thing most betrayed spouses (BS) will agree on is that you are responsible for healing yourself (sadly). There is only so much the cheater can do and the rest is on you.

I struggled for the first 3 years of Reconciliation b/c I kept waiting to feel better. Now my H was doing everything but I was still sad and angry and upset etc.

Three things I learned - maybe this helps you.

1. I am responsible for my happiness. I can choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy (for the most part). Yes life is hard especially as we age. I get it. But you have to find your own joy.

2. You have to make peace with your decision to stay married, or end the marriage. Whatever is the best decision for you — make it. Don’t settle. Don’t just let things lie. If you are unhappy - be proactive and change the situation.

3. Regarding the cheater’s life. If the cheater is truly sorry and remorseful then they have to live with the pain and hurt they caused. I know my H truly regrets all of it. He has told me as much.

Maybe your wife doesn’t verbalize her pain or regret to you, but if she’s half a human, she feels it and has to look at you every day knowing that she caused you pain and suffering. And I cannot imagine living with that.

I’m sorry this is so long. But having been in your position and unhappy for years, I decided that the longer I am unhappy — then I let the affair "win". And that was not something I wanted to do for one more minute.

I hope this helps you.

It sounds like you aren't reconciled; perhaps, you are in limbo.

Why aren't you happy with her efforts? What efforts has she even made? Did you just rugsweep it?

My marriage is functionally better for me in R than it was before the A. My wife has made changes that have made her a safe partner again. I feel loved and appreciated. I am proud of my flexibility in working through R, though I wouldn't call it a second love story. What is keeping you in this marriage other than inertia?

My WW has done *everything* right, after ending her A (if it really ended - can't find proof or indications to the contrary). Shows true remorse (or is a good actor - again). Accepts responsibility. She HAS become an absolutely wonderful wife and partner. Keeps promises, proves where she is (even though I don't need that anymore), puts up with my PTSD I got from her A, makes me feel loved and important in her life (now) - everything. Our marriage *could* be absolutely wonderful.

The main problem is I just don't/can't/won't believe she's telling me the truth (100%) about her A. We've been in MC for 7 years. Our MC says if WW hasn't changed her story by now, she's either telling the truth - or never will. Up to me to decide what I believe.

The only things WW has actually admitted to are things I have absolute, iron-clad, indisputable proof that it happened that way.

I was a professional analyst for 25 years - I made a living making analyses of (sometimes) life and death situations. Her story(ies)

Don't.

Add.

Up.

Our marriage *could* be wonderful. I don't think (who knows for sure?) she'll cheat again, I believe if I become incapacitated as I age, she'll always be there (probably). I don't think I would find anyone "better" (certainly no one I would ever trust - I'll never make THAT mistake again). I could live alone - but I don't want to. We do have fun together. We have an active, fun sex life (I know, no one wants to hear about "the elderly" having sex, but we do - frequently - so get over it ).

There's just the HUGE elephant in the room that we have to dance around - I believe she has not told me the complete truth - I believe she's still lying about her affair.

I cannot get beyond that. It's like she wants to keep that part of her life separate from me. There's US... and there's THEM. And never the twain shall meet.

Other than that, our life is all anyone could hope for in their later years. Travel, grown happy kids, grandkids, she has her business she loves, we own a small B&B and café (which was a goal of mine for as long as I can remember). I have a new Harley, an old Jeep, and a hot rod. I rescue feral cats, get them neutered and find them homes. And (BONUS) we're both basically healthy. Just that gotdam elephant carcass in the room!!!

One final note: both her and our MC say *I'M* the one preventing mySELF from being happy (so I guess it's all my fault). I should just *believe* my WW - the same (okay she's IS a completely different, better person now) WW who lied to my face for (at least) 3 1/2 YEARS every day. I just can't do it. I won't do it.

I will not be made a fool of again.

As a final note. I honestly believe if I posted some of the things she *wants* me to believe as truth, here in this forum - I'd be laughed off the web site for even CONSIDERING the possibility they may be true.

And I did try IC - but it was with a male counselor and I found it difficult to open up to another man (who probably has NOT been cucked) with my "cuck" story . It was just too humiliating. I did some IC with our (female) MC too, which was semi-helpful. We have another MC appointment next week, but as I told my WW last night - I'm done. I'm not going. I have to accept that THIS IS my life, and make the best of it.

I made my bed (by not leaving promptly upon finding out) - now I have to lay in it.

[This message edited by FenceCowboy at 4:25 AM, Wednesday, October 16th]

Have you considered giving her a polygraph? Certainly not infallible but it could help put your biggest fears to rest.

After much fighting and complaining about it, she finally did take a polygraph.

I had to poly every 5 years, so I'm familiar with them.

I also found her browser history searching for, "how to BEAT a polygraph".

The polygrapher was also quitting after her polygraph - he was tired of breaking up marriages.

I have the distinct feeling he did NOT actually give her a polygraph, or didn't ask the 3 questions I asked him to poly, because of what he said about quitting.

Had not found her search history - I'd believe the results. You don't search "how to beat a poly" if you don't need to beat a poly.

There IS a language difference, and she did search in her mother tongue, however I speak it quite well too. WW said she was merely trying to find proof for me that polys aren't always accurate and CAN be beat.

🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

[This message edited by FenceCowboy at 4:41 AM, Wednesday, October 16th]

I made my bed (by not leaving promptly upon finding out) - now I have to lay in it.

No, you don't, you can change beds. Keep that in mind as you move forward. The other thing I would also suggest, your occupation and the way your brain "works" they set you up for the specific kind of thinking that you are dealing with.

I have a similar occupation, someone might say that I tend to "overthink things", but that is how I live my life, 10 to 14 hours a day, week after week, year after year.

The problem is when you relate to other people, who don't think that way, they don't necessarily understand. My FWS is like that, she does not work this way, but she understands that I do, to her benefit, if we need to purchase something that is expensive, she will ask that I do it, because I will "analyze it to death".

Unfortunately, when she had her affair, she didn't spend much time analyzing the damage that it was going to do to us.

As far as dealing with your stories, and looking at things differently, it takes a lot of years to do that. It may not be possible, and your spouse may not be helping you very much if she's flippant, not fully disclosing, giving you stories that don't add up.

Unfortunately, my forward wayward spouse lied for nine years after her affair. So many lies that by the time she started telling the truth, she honestly couldn't actually sort the truth out from the lies completely. There were some aspects of that time that she had lied so much about that she had forgotten, some of what actually happened.

"Unfortunately, my forward wayward spouse lied for nine years after her affair. So many lies that by the time she started telling the truth, she honestly couldn't actually sort the truth out from the lies completely. There were some aspects of that time that she had lied so much about that she had forgotten, some of what actually happened."

I think that's the same situation I find myself in now unfortunately.

So how did you deal? Just accepted you'll never know the truth and go on? I see you're reconciled. 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

I have the distinct feeling he did NOT actually give her a polygraph, or didn't ask the 3 questions I asked him to poly, because of what he said about quitting.

What's to keep you from conducting another polygraph? If you need it to earn back some trust, then she should be willing.

Great point!

I am hoping this helps you.

I am 11 years past dday2. The year from hell as I refer to it.

My H& I disagree on a few points. He says he’s not lying and I know he is.

First lie - his 4 year EA was not physical. At first I believed it, but after affair 2 I no longer believe there was no physical contact.

Second lie - the OW told me he stayed at her apartment over night. The dates line up. He had a business trip for 4 days - came home a day earlier and was with her. He SWEARS he did not stay at her apartment but went to a hotel.

Third lie - the reason he started the affair. He was mad at me. He swears he wasn’t and it just happened. I don’t believe him b/c one of the finer parts of his affair was him telling me everything that was wrong with me, how I made him unhappy, blah blah blah.

How does this help you? As I said in my earlier post, I can choose to be happy or choose to be unhappy. Yes it crushed me that he cheated b/c as another added bonus, he was kicking me to the curb and replacing me with his much younger OW.

But every day that I let it affect me, the cheating won. Every day I allowed it to ruin my whole day, it was like he was still cheating.

My H lies about those two to three points b/c he is afraid if he told me the truth, I would have D him. I am certain about that.

Other than that, he’s been a good H and we still have fun together. We love each other. But I also recognize he is a coward and I can accept it.

Maybe your wife is lying b/c she’s so afraid you will D her. If she’s been as good as you describe post affair, accept you KNOW she’s lied and try to move past it.

IMO it is doubtful that more than a handful of betrayeds get the full truth w/ 100% honesty about affair details etc.

She’s not lying to disrespect you. She’s lying out of fear to protect herself. Maybe if you see it differently it can help you get out of this situation.

Please respond if you think this helps you. You deserve complete happiness.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:07 PM, Wednesday, October 16th]

One final note: both her and our MC say *I'M* the one preventing mySELF from being happy (so I guess it's all my fault). I should just *believe* my WW - the same (okay she's IS a completely different, better person now) WW who lied to my face for (at least) 3 1/2 YEARS every day. I just can't do it. I won't do it.

They are right about one thing — you are the only one on the planet who can heal you.

Nothing anyone says here or at home can do it.

A lot of people choose misery, which I understand — I lived that way a really long time.

Life is inherently unfair and infidelity is about as unfair as it gets, we’re put into a contest we didn’t ask for or even know that we were in.

Infidelity is cruel on top of that.

Now what?

Assuming how unfair it all is, you still have agency, you have choices.

I went the R route, but I always know where the front door is should I change my mind and decide to leave.

Why are you still in this situation you clearly don’t want to be in?

You asked about reframing your thought process, I don’t know if that helps.

I accept that infidelity happened and I don’t ever have to be glad it did. I’ll always hate the A.

I accept that I have about 95 percent of the truth and I assume the absolute worst about what I don’t know.

I accept that I am one hundred percent awesome, with or without my marriage.

My path out of misery was more about focus than trying to twist the horror show of infidelity into something acceptable.

Our love story now is we fought our way back to each other — we didn’t have to, it’s uphill both ways, but we took this last chance (and anyone who is betrayed never, ever owes a WS a last chance) to build something worthy of both of us.

First off, you don’t have to stay just because you decided back then to stay. You can leave anytime for her infidelity. Hell I know a guy who decided he had enough AFTER 30 years past the event. Just got tired of her lies about it.

Get a new timeline, tell her this is it, you’re tired of the lies and if you don’t have the full truth, you’re out. And mean it.

Find a new polygrapher. Maybe even one who does bloodwork before the test, since there are some drugs that can help obfuscate readings. Then her research into fooling a polygraph will be for naught.

FenceCowboy, I have been lurking on SI for years while only posted once but reading about their journey through this hell from others has been helpful. Your post struck a cord with me because I am in the same boat as far as making progress and finding my place in this new situation, I am in.

I have dealt with more than one Dday, trickle truthing, stonewalling etc that I had to accept and realize I will never know the full truth and quite frankly, not sure I want to. What I know is enough to give me PTSD for the rest of my life, so I have decided some things are better left unsaid. While my WH came full circle, doing everything he can to fix this, literally everything, I have a hard time imagining the future and us being truly happy together in the long run. I don't think a marriage that has been broken and violated with such brutality can be restored and provide the stability, security, love and nurture we need to thrive together.

That said, we are still together though we separated a couple of times (he moved out for 6 months x2) ended up coming back to try to work things out. On good days, I feel sorry for him, I understand he is deeply remorseful and the fact that he is doing so much to prove himself to me makes it even harder because I can't seem to reciprocate, not even on a minimal level. On bad days, I feel so much hurt and anger, I look at him and see nothing but a cheater and liar who does not deserve my time and wish I had kicked him out for good the day I found out what he was up to behind my back. Other days I remember all the silly things we used to laugh about, before his affair, and all the good times we had and wish I could have that with him again.

I wonder when people say they are happily reconciled, what does that mean exactly? What does it look like? I can't figure it out for myself and stuck in this rut I can't seem to get out of. I think at the end of the day we stay because we're holding onto hope. Hope that one day we will wake up feeling differently about things, that somehow, overnight magically something will change, and we can reclaim at least partly of what we had prior to the affair. I'm sure some already know it is not possible but are deciding to stay for different reasons and there are those who figured it out and are happy in reconciliation. I do know there has to be more than this to life and this can't be the end of our stories. I wish you clarity and positive change, no matter what decision you make.

Up to me to decide what I believe.

It’s also up to you to decide if you want this relationship or not.
See my tagline? I truly both believe and live by that quote. YOU are deciding to remain in misery if after 7 years you two are still arguing over if you have the truth or not.

I suggest you broach this with her – maybe in MC – that the present situation isn’t sustainable and that you two need to do something to get out of it.
Tell her that the key issues you need an answer to are: (Put said issues here) and that she can tell you the truth now and even if it turns out she’s been lying all these years your first priority will be to work at reconciliation for the next 6 months. You will appreciate her honesty.
However... this will be confirmed by a polygraph test in 5 days and if she fails that test it confirms she doesn’t trust you with the truth, and that in turn lets you know this relationship is doomed.

One final note: both her and our MC say *I'M* the one preventing mySELF from being happy (so I guess it's all my fault).

I agree with them. It’s a problem only you can solve. Your wife might have sent you into unhappiness, but I don’t see how she is going to get you out.

At your level of distrust, and also at your level of belief that the key to your happiness is that you get these questions answered, you stuck on a path leading directly to D, following a long unhappy stretch.

You can stay on the path of getting the questions answered, but I highly recommend you simultaneously start down a path of questioning why you need them answered in the first place. It is a very, very deep question, it will require growth to answer, and if you can answer that question, it will be a huge gift to yourself. Know thyself, right?

So do both. Juggle and chew gum at the same time, so to speak.

I firmly recommend NOT telling her about the next poly until you’re in the examiner’s parking lot. I’ve read certain meds or other shenanigans can be deployed to influence the result, but she can’t prepare for what she doesn’t know is coming.

Tell her in the parking lot this is something you need her to do, and if she can’t, you understand, but that will likely mean the end of her great "third love story" 🙄

Another thought. You know you. What ever she says or does, or polygraph result, you know deep down whether this is something you can live your best life with or not.

I wonder when people say they are happily reconciled, what does that mean exactly? What does it look like? I can't figure it out for myself and stuck in this rut I can't seem to get out of. I think at the end of the day we stay because we're holding onto hope. Hope that one day we will wake up feeling differently about things, that somehow, overnight magically something will change, and we can reclaim at least partly of what we had prior to the affair.

Gently, there's no magic. I know that's hard for you to believe, but believing you can heal - with or without your WS - is the first step in healing. You deserve better, and you can almost certainly get it, but you have to take action on your own behalf.

A good IC can help - but the IC doesn't do the work. You do. The good part is that almost all of us have the necessary ability.

I'm sure some already know it is not possible but are deciding to stay for different reasons and there are those who figured it out and are happy in reconciliation. I do know there has to be more than this to life and this can't be the end of our stories. I wish you clarity and positive change, no matter what decision you make.

Amen.

So how did you deal? Just accepted you'll never know the truth and go on? I see you're reconciled.

Just like those stories about people who have family members who go missing in the wild, you always wonder, but recognize and accept that you will likely never know.

Accept the things you cannot change, change the things you cannot accept, and gain the wisdom to know the difference. (Got that turn of phrase from my FWS's AA meetings.)

Truly, my wife's affair and the aftermath still haunt our marriage. She still has the problems that led to her infidelity, but she recognizes them for what they are and manages them more constructively. Well, at least she is not lying a lot, drinking, seeking out male approval, and fucking other men. Lots of FOO issues.

Reconciliation takes many forms, waxes and wanes, has its up's and down's.