SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So my H and I met, bonded, and even married over our love for music.
It sounds crazy but when we met what both made us fall was that we both had the same taste in music, he was blown away for my love of the 80s rock and my knowledge of it and I in turn was intrigued by his love and passion for performing the music I loved. When we met he was in a rock band, leather jacket, broke white boy, struggling to make it big , you get it I am sure. When we met I was almost making 6 figures at 23. He was barely making 20k a year but his passion, his love for music hooked me and I got pregnant shortly after ( I was so smart, I know). Our wedding was music themed and it was absolutely stunning, my bouquet made out of sheet music of our first dance. As time went on and as he put his music and band first my love for music fell, I fell out of love with music and we fought SO MUCH over it. I blamed THE MUSIC, he blamed me. He told me that "I didn't understand his love for music." but I knew my love for music and lyrics has always ran deep and I compared my love of music to his, I figured because he played and wrote music maybe my love wasn't as deep I grew up in a dysfunctional home where Eminem and Staind were my outlet with their lyrics all over my wall.
Fast forward a few years after us knowing each other, I just didn't feel the same way about music, I resented it so much because in my mind my H traded the kids and I for following this dream that wasn't going anywhere, he spent endless amount of time and money on it that I just hated music in general. His favorite songs irritated me , hell my favorite songs irritated me, I pictured him on stage with women who didn't MATTER yelling his name, half the time flashing their shit. All the while his wife and kids were home supporting his broke ass.

Anyways today I was in a mood and I had listened to music all day while cleaning and when he woke up from his nap (he is sick) I asked him why he never wrote music about the kids or I his whole 12 years with me. He FINALLY ADMITTED he never used music for love, for passion or for good, he used it for an ego boost... for people to say his name that never mattered. The lyrics meant little to nothing, the shit is sent him in the past meant nothing and they lyrics he wrote to her the one time were dog shit. The look in his eyes were pitiful, just empty.

FOR 12 YEARS I struggled with this, I thought we connected on a deeper level of something we never really did, he loved music because he was looking for an escape for people pleasing, I connected to music because I escaped my life and I connected with the lyrics personally, he did not for the most part. The bond wasnt real in my mind. His love for music has tapered off and mine is growing strong again.

I remember him almost flipping the car sideways way back when we dated bc we had a fight about music and he jerked the wheel saying I didn't support him and i sobbed, fucking garbage, I was always right. He loved himself and that was it... not even his band members who he doesn't talk to at all.

I asked him tonight if I was always right for not liking music because of his bad habits and he hung his head and said yes.
He has NOT touched his gear since D day and since the realization of his shitty coping mechanisms I do not see him ever touching his guitar or bass again and I don't know if I ever will be ok with him anyway.

The shit runs deep.

I don't know why I am posting this, maybe just to say that as time goes on the truth of everything comes out and its more shit to deal with. That I can say my gut was always RIGHT.
I am proud of him for the self realization, don't get me wrong because I know for the first time he is facing himself for the first time, I didn't lose it but I want to blare my music till he leaves the house but instead... we blasted music and the kids and i baked Halloween brownies and I kept my headphones on to avoid conversation with him because today, I just can't.

Your gut was right. That is powerful.

Sending you some peace and strength tonight.

Years ago I worked p/t for a PI and his best advice was "Listen to your instincts. If you think something is wrong it probably is"

That advice helped me catch my wife.

Groot

"The truth hurts" - this could not be a more fitting trio of words strung together for all the shit us as BS are faced with. It’s scary what revelations come about after Dday. I think after Dday we are so focused on the particulars surrounding the "A" that we get a double whammy when we’re struck with the reality that there was so much "unspoken" truths sitting, waiting to be unleashed.

As hard as it was for you to hear your H admit the real reason behind his drive for music, it must give you some relief that you "knew" something didn’t sit right. I hope that gives you some validation in that you can trust your gut. That is also some deep reflection on your H’s part to admit that - seems to me he’s REALLY digging deep to come to that sort of realization and to say it out loud. Sorry you were hit with that truth today, that’s not an easy one.

Thinking of you. Hugs.

I’m sure that bloody hurt!!! I wish finding out we were right made us feel better but it just doesn’t.

My hubby always did little lies (or lie by omission) to hide things from me - buying a tv, helping his sister instead of doing jobs I’d ask him to do for us. I remember saying to him and friends that these lies seem so small but they really piss me off.

And then lo and behold these little lies became easier and easier until he can lie (again by omission) to my face about a whole affair. Fuck I knew his behaviour was shit but he made me feel like I was just a whingy bitch.

I’m sorry Groot that you weren’t crazy 😂😂😂 One massive positive I can see from this whole shitty experience is that we should trust ourselves more and stand up for these things. God knows I have been and it feels so powerful!

When I confronted my wife I asked "Is our marriage okay?" and she lied to my face and said "Yes"

Then I asked "Is there anything I need to know?" and again she lied and said "No"

Then I asked "What's going on between you and the cop at school?" and again she lied and said "There is nothing going on. I HAVE NOT CROSSED ANY LINES!"

Lie #3 to my face. At this point she knew I knew yet had the balls to think there was "nothing going on" because it had not become physical (allegedly). The first lie is the hardest, the rest become easier. In hindsight, she had been lying to me for months by letting me believe all was well.

So ... how are you feeling, now that you know you're not crazy?

There are a lot of times that all I needed to hear was something like, 'You're right. That person you're talking about IS crazy.' I got it once, from a former therapist, about 35 years ago, and when I remember I'm (probably) not crazy (i.e. that my perceptions are probably accurate), I can relax a lot in most cases.

I also got it in MC and IC sessions after d-day. I don't know how much it helped then.

"The truth hurts" - this could not be a more fitting trio of words strung together for all the shit us as BS are faced with.

The corollary to that is, "comfortable lies feel good".

How often do we hear people wish they could turn back the clock and go back to the way it was before, i.e., back when they were living with comfortable lies.

If we can change our values so we prize the truth, whatever it is, no matter how uncomfortable it is, above all, then it changes the relationship with this whole mess.

House of Plane

If we can change our values so we prize the truth, whatever it is, no matter how uncomfortable it is, above all, then it changes the relationship with this whole mess.

Yes, a million times over, I love how you worded this.

Thank you.

Sisson

So ... how are you feeling, now that you know you're not crazy?

The past three days have felt like there is more air to breathe in , if that makes sense. Each little shitty thing he admits to , takes ownership, and changes helps me feel like another little piece of my soul is being glued back together. In the moment it sucks, it hurts, I want to crawl out of my skin but the next day I feel just a tad bit better. As things start to come out in the open and we really dissect and see things for what they are , we become just an itty bit closer and I become closer to forgiving myself for putting up with his shitty behaviors, good Lord it was toxic. I SEE EVERYTHING now for what it was and I will tell you I will NEVER unsee it, not in this relationship or any other for that matter, it is life altering.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 8:01 PM, Tuesday, October 15th]