SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This is so unfair and I just need to vent.

I've always earned more $, but he was never a stay home dad. I have basically covered all living expenses for the majority of our marriage. He spent his paychecks on himself despite repeatedly telling him he needed to contribute more (or anything, really)

Now that we're divorcing he wants 50% of everything, which he'll likely get since we're a community property state, but tonight he brought up that I'll also need to pay him child support and spousal maintenance! WTF?? He makes $70k! I plan on keeping the house and buying him out. If he can't figure out how to live on his salary plus whatever he gets for the house payout, he's even more of a man-child than I thought.

I already pay for everything for the kids, how could he possibly think I would pay him child support? He wants 50/50 custody, it's not like they will be staying with him full time.

He says he's doing this all for the kids, but doesn't have an answer for how half of MY 401k will benefit the kids.

My plan is for mediation to keep the attorney costs lower, but I don't have an appt until next week. I'm just freaking out at the thought of paying a serial cheater alimony!!

My biggest fear is that we'll end up in court and a judge will force me to sell the house. I just want stability for my kids. Moving them out of the only home they've known, away from friends or to a different school it's NOT what is best for them. He's just looking out for himself, as usual.

I'm so frustrated!!

Can you try for more custody?

How much more do you earn than him?

None of this is fair :(

Obviously I’m not a lawyer and I don’t know the laws of your state, but based on what you’ve provided here, it’s not likely that he is getting child or spousal support.

He’s gainfully employed, he was not the primary caregiver (ie, stay at home parent) while you were married, and he’s not getting primary physical custody of the kids.

But given how deluded he is and how unreasonable his demands are, I strongly suggest you get a lawyer now because you’re likely going to need one anyway.

I'm not sure how to do the fancy copy/paste where it looks like I took a snapshot of other posts so I can reply directly, but I'll figure it out as I post more.

I don't think he's willing to do less than 50% custody, but once he realizes the work it takes to get kids ready for school and that he'll have to rearrange his schedule to pick the kids up from school, he might change his mind.

Right now I make close to $100k, but our take home pay is roughly equal since I pay for insurance and contribute to 401k.

I am getting an attorney, hopefully this coming week I'll find the right one out of the recommendations I have.

I researched more on spousal support (in AZ) and he would have to meet certain criteria to be eligible and then be entitled to it. I do feel a little better that I don't think I'll have to pay, but getting solid attorney advice will help.

I have a much better support network through family and friends near by, so I'm sure I'll come out ok, but it's hard not to worry.

Your income is very close, 30k is not much of a difference. Can you show that you've paid the majority of bills throughout the marriage?

In Texas primary custody typically goes with the house. Maybe your state is similar…

I hear your pain and am in a very similar situation. Am the breadwinner, always covered all the expenses and now he's trying to take all I have tried to hard to build for the family, after his abominable behavior. I am in TX and although it's a 50/50 community property state, because I have proof of his affair, my lawyer says IF we went to court (hope not to), I have a very good case for the Court giving me a "disproportionate share" -- maybe 60/40 at best. It is just another injustice for this entire situation.

You have every right to want to vent. I've done the same. The injustices just keep piling up...the hurt and humiliation of the betrayal; the burden of now having to run the household and support the kids' needs on my own (with a very demanding, full time+ job), and then him wanting me to bankroll his new carefree life with his AP. It's just too much to take sometimes.

But, right now, I hope to focus on my kids and start building a safe, supportive environment for them. Ultimately, my earning power will overshadow his, so I hold onto that. There is also such an emotional cost to this, that I'm preparing to give him perhaps more than I think he should just so I can end this chapter and move forward.

--Can you show that you've paid the majority of bills throughout the marriage?

Yes, for the most part. I didn't realize my bank only lets me go back 2 years on the website, but I can show over the past two years how much he has contributed by what he sends directly to me. For ALL of 2023, he contributed $10K. That doesn't even come close to what we pay the nanny! I really don't know where all his money goes. If I need to go back further, I'm sure I can request statements from my bank. I pay all the bills, mortgage, utilities, nanny, grocery shopping, etc. so it's not like he was paying any bills from his own account. When he did contribute anything, he would just send the funds right to my bank account.

--because I have proof of his affair, my lawyer says IF we went to court (hope not to), I have a very good case for the Court giving me a "disproportionate share" -- maybe 60/40 at best.

I'm going to see an attorney tomorrow and maybe they'll tell me something similar. I'm hoping not to go to court either. I have my meeting tomorrow, and have a mediation attorney on stand-by. Since I can't go in to the mediator by myself I want to get all my questions answered before we both go in to meet with a mediator. Honestly if I could get 60/40, I think I would be happy with that. I can prove his most recent affair, I'm not sure about the prior ones.

--I'm preparing to give him perhaps more than I think he should just so I can end this chapter and move forward

I totally agree. It sucks that it will be more painful (money wise) for me if I have to give him half of what I have worked so hard for, but I have to be grateful for the position I am in - I've got a great career, and I already know I can support myself and my kids. I've been doing that for years. I just want it to be over and done with.

Thanks everyone here for letting this be a safe place to vent.

I think the bank can go back farther if you go in and ask them (maybe 5 or 7 years).

You really do not make that much more than him, and should not have to pay alimony at all.

He's in for a rude awakening when his money is no longer fun money and he's got to actually take care of himself.

You might want to hire a forensic accountant. Any money he spent on APs would be marital funds, and you're entitled to half.