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So after reading over a very recent post and all the replies I feel like I may have set what most would consider ‘weak’ boundaries with regards to my WH and R.

My boundaries are:
- apply for new jobs
- open phone policy
- therapy (I have requested more and he is booking appointments)
- no social media or messages to women that are of a social manner ie he can message soccer mums about their kids in the soccer team but not just randomly message about their day
- better communication about daily activities ie doctors appointments, leaving work early, visiting family members or friends and his feelings

And that’s it really. I don’t have many issues about living pretty much the same other than that. I know I maybe setting myself up for failure in the future. The thing for me is though I’m still struggling to forgive this one affair so if he chooses to do anything dodgy eg message his AP at all it would be all over in a second with no discussion. Or break any of the loose boundaries above will result also see us ended.

I think I don’t want to put tough restrictions on him as it’s a test in my eyes. Like what’s the point if we can’t just live. He promises me and is showing he is doing the work to change so I have to have faith in that or what’s the point 🤷🏼‍♀️

Am I just clueless here?

I often feel the same as you when I read boundaries other people have in place. Most of the boundaries we have are around his job, which is where he cheated, as he’s a musician and works away a lots.
Boundaries we have for when he’s away are:
- No hanging out with women after the show, including women who work there (AP was their tour rep)
- no following back women who follow him on Instagram or messaging any of them back unless is strictly concerning the show.
- FaceTime when he’s back at the hotel
- I have a copy of their schedule

Other than that, at home we don’t really have a lot in place. I don’t have open access to his phone, etc. I know the password and can look if I so chose, but it causes arguments. He believes him and his friends have their right to privacy and that it’s easy for me to take things the wrong way.
He refuses to go to IC.
Refuses to quit his job.
He’s taking the approach of trying to make me feel loved etc by how he behaves when he’s home.

He thinks all those restrictions other people have would cause a more toxic relationship.
We talk about the cheating when I want to and he answers questions, apologises when I’m upset, and all that. We communicate a lot.

I do wonder if I’m just being taken for a fool sometimes though, I know other people certainly feel that way.

My boundaries I have in place so far:

- H had to quit his job (AP was a coworker)

-H quit his band and quit music (he may be able to in the way future not anytime soon)

- No social media

- No friends that are women unless they are our mutual

-Life 360

-Open phone policy

-IC for himself

- No taking his phone in the bathroom at all

- Talking about his feelings, even when he thinks they may upset me (working on people pleasing)

-Absolutely no lying regardless of what it is about.

-Porn blocker on devices

I mean those are big ones that I have, with that being said I also don't have social media, I am in counseling and I don't have friends that are guys. I try to give him the same respect even if I didn't cheat.

New boundaries will come as we go I think but I also think I could use bigger boundaries, or maybe deep down we know they deserve to lose us altogether so will boundaries ever be enough? Idk.

[This message edited by Groot1988 at 2:40 PM, Monday, July 8th]

I think it's okay to have whatever boundaries you are comfortable with, whether they are general and "weak" or more strict and specific. My WH met his AP during an activity that he really enjoys and that's not something I want to take from him indefinitely. He'll go back eventually and there will be restrictions around that so I feel comfortable, but ultimately if the only way he can behave is by me monitoring and dictating his every move, then that's not really a solution I'm happy with. He needs to be able to use his own judgement, set his own boundaries and be faithful because he chooses to, not because I won't let him leave the house. He knows he won't be given another chance again so it's up to him.

I think you have boundaries confused with requirements.

Boundaries are for you. You set your boundaries..what you will no longer tolerate. Like..no cheating, no lies, no xyz, or you will have to make some hard decisions.

Your requirements are fine. Typically R requirements are...

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

Std test.

NC

NC with any friends who knew of the affair.

Ic

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

He is accountable for his time away from you .

No friends of the opposite sex. (I would not be ok with him texting soccer moms. You can do that.)

He removes as many triggers as possible.

He takes full responsibility for his behavior.

New job

He tells you of ow tries to make contact.

He writes a full timeline.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

Any inappropriate sexual contact with another female is an automatic move to D. And that's why we are D.

I know what HellFire said is considered true. That what we are describing are mostly Rules. Our boundary is that if our WS were to lie, cheat, etc. We would leave. We won’t tolerate that behavior.

In any case, as pertains to expectations I’ll write the ones that are forever, for a bit longer, and those he graduated from

- no social communication with women via text, phone, etc.
- encouraging professional as to overly friendly texting with female colleagues. So not using face emojis, hearts etc. Just keeping the tone always professional. If the person you are texting with does that you discourage it but shifting it back to clearly professional
- life 360
- transparency with all devices
- tell me if any contact with AP
- support me when asked to cope with triggers
- STOP PEOPLE PLEASING: he still sucks at this. At best he gets a B minus. Needs work.

He graduated from the following
- never go to empty office on weekend to catch up on paperwork (he earned this one back)
- blocking of adult content on his iPad - after three years when i witnessed him getting blocked from reasonable stuff life an abortion article or whatever I took that blocking away
- never drive that convertible again - now in an emergency like the other car is getting oil changed or something he can drive it
- never go to a store in that town - not a big deal though generally like it kept infrequent
- read articles and watch videos - he consumed a fair amount of content, not as much as I would like, but I would say sufficient
- IC: he went for a while. I didn’t think she was giving him helpful advice so I was happy when he stopped going. He wants to restart but isn’t a requirement
- MC: we still go but I would be fine if we stopped

I had struggled with setting appropriate boundaries for her as well. Mostly because when I wrote them out, I realized I married a toddler. Everything on the list was table stakes for a moderately considerate human in a committed relationship where vows were exchanged and a covenant created.

Some questions I dealt with-
Do I really want to be a helicopter spouse and micromanage the one person that is my "Partner IN and FOR Life"?

If the bare minimums for a marriage need to be enforced, do I even have a marriage?

She knew every boundary well enough to fake the, why doesn’t she have the integrity to live them?

Am I so horrible to live with that she had to create an escape life to deal, but not bad enough to want to D?

I get the feeling that some posters think that boundaries are rules for others. In reality, they're rules for themselves. Boundaries become a lot simpler in many ways when you realize that.

'No spending time alone with someone of the opposite sex' is a rule for someone else. 'If you spend time alone with a potential sex partner, I'm gone' is a boundary - it tells someone what you will do if they violate a boundary of yours.

In the weeks after d-day, I developed my 'requirements' for R. They were requirements and boundaries, though I didn't realize that as the time. I really meant to choose D unless my W agreed to meet my requirements. I could have said, 'If you don't meet my requirements, I'm gone.'

It's just not a boundary if you don't impose the sanction you promise. And if you're not willing to impose the sanction, it's best not to bluff. Everybody - WSes and BSes - needs to be honest if you want to heal.

So what do you do if you're not ready to impose the consequences you promise? The answer to that question: you work on yourself. You figure out what you want and how you'll know if you are or aren't getting it. You figure out what consequences you'll impose under what conditions. You'll hold off setting the boundary until and unless you are ready to impose consequences.

Learning about boundaries is hard work. Setting and maintaining limits is hard work. If you're not ready, nurture yourself. Find and enhance your strengths. Have some faith in yourself. You may not be ready now, but you can take steps to get ready, and you will be ready someday. The more you nurture yourself, the sooner that day will be.

Your boundaries may be weak now, but you can strengthen them. Take a step - look for barriers - when a barrier stops you, find a way around or through it.

It's relatively easy to write about the direct way from despair to health, and that works in theory. But all of us take detours. We all make mistakes.

Worried about weak boundaries? Notice it. Then figure out what you'll do about the weakness. If you decide to put that weakness aside for now, so be it. Just work on something else that will help you heal.