SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There's a tiktok/tweet going viral, where a woman on a flight posted a video of a man who was cheating on his wife. She described the details he was telling the OW (like he was from TX and owned his own company and was traveling for business), and then the internet sleuths very quickly tracked down and tagged his wife.

And of course, there's now a debate ensuing in the retweets and comments.

There's a fair number of people that think the woman that filmed this and put it on tiktok should have minded her own business, because finding out your husband is cheating on you from a viral internet video is awful, plus his kid(s) might get tagged or sent this video, too. There's a lot of people excoriating the video poster, saying that she only posted this video for likes or clicks, without considering the wife's privacy.

But... then there's a fair number of people pointing out that there was no way for this poster to discreetly track down this man's wife to inform her, that by informing her that she's being cheated on, at least she can now take steps to protect herself from STDs, not to mention the fact that this POS guy is the one that's A. cheating and B. sharing all sorts of details loudly and publicy with the OW.

To be honest, I'm pretty torn if this person should have posted the video or not.

On the one hand, cheating is obviously absolutely awful, I think betrayed partners deserve to know the truth, and their cheating partner is the one at fault, not the messenger.

On the other hand, I can't imagine being blindsided by a viral video AND then also having to worry about the fact that my children might see this and/or could possibly be harassed or cyber bullied by people with a video of their dad cheating...

So, if you were in this situation, would you rather know if it meant finding out by a viral video on the internet? Or would you rather not find out this way, but with no guarantee that you would ever find out another way?

[This message edited by ibonnie at 5:00 AM, Wednesday, June 26th]

That’s such a tough one.

What a horribly humiliating way to find out. Anyone could see that, her friends, family, co-workers, etc.

I had an experience at my job where I trusted one person and told them what my partner did. They promised they would keep it to themselves. A few days later when I went in, everyone was whispering, customers were looking at me weird. I’d worked there for three years, I knew all the regulars very well.

I got home one day and got a couple messages from a couple of regulars informing me that my boss had gone over to them and been like ‘have you heard about this?’
I was devastated and so embarrassed, everyone knew, it got around so quick.
I text my boss that night and told them I wouldn’t be coming back to work. I couldn’t face going back in.

Obviously not to the same magnitude as the whole internet knowing, but it was awful and it had such a horrible effect on me. I felt like everyone was talking about me, judging me, etc.

On the other hand, I still think I’d take that over never finding out. It would suck so much, but living a lie and never knowing sounds much worse I think. Or finding years, maybe even decades down the line.

Either way it’s soul crushing, but I think I’d rather know, no matter how I found out.

I agree with user, tough call, but as a BS I'd rather know the truth, even if it came out in a humiliating way than be lied to and cheated on without knowing. Life isn't fair but at least give me the choice to live a real and true life.

I would want to know the truth. Post the video.

It would point me in the right direction to uncover the facts and the truths if possible.

So yes. Post.

A cheating spouse is in no way a reflection on the other spouse. Even though socially it may look like that. The gossip, the talking, the speculating, the omg have I got a story to tell.

I read this article about this in the NYPost, and quite honestly, it was so outrageous that I'm 90% sure that it's not a real story and that the whole event was staged to to generate clicks.

But if it is real, this video wasn't taken out of altruism toward the BS; it was created to generate money and increase the influencer status of the person who created and posted it. I can't even imagine if the worst act of betrayal committed against me was recorded and disseminated online for profit and the prurient amusement of others.

My opinion is this: I support informing the BS whenever possible... and by possible I mean in a discreet, personal, and compassionate way. It's not my place to act like I'm a member of the Gasht-e Ershad toward random people I encounter in public.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:21 PM, Wednesday, June 26th]

Yeah I'll take a pass on a public video. That poor woman is now internationally humiliated! And I agree that it was posted for entertainment and clicks. This isn't a sport. This is some poor woman's life and children.

I would not post a video like that. My policy is to mind my own business until it affects friends or family.

It seems odd - maybe at odds or disingenuous? - that one of the "truisms" here is that the BS needs to understand fully that the affair has nothing to do with them and the marriage, while also discussing how embarrassing or humiliating for BS and betrayed children if others have knowledge of the affair. I'm not saying I wouldn't feel bad at a public video, but how can both simultaneously be true?

It seems odd - maybe at odds or disingenuous? - that one of the "truisms" here is that the BS needs to understand fully that the affair has nothing to do with them and the marriage, while also discussing how embarrassing or humiliating for BS and betrayed children if others have knowledge of the affair.

There are many "dirty laundry" type things that people would be embarrassed about if others knew, simply because any time private matters are made public, it's embarrassing. I have always had empathy for "celebrities" who have their D-Days in public.

Who would want to go through something so traumatizing in the public's eye?

I wouldn’t want to find out that way. I think the truth most likely would have come out to the bs without making the whole thing public. This stuff is hard enough, and the bs should have the ability to decide who they want to know, including kids and extended family.

I think people who do this are more interested in clicks and attention, or they wouldn’t have an account they are posting videos to in the first place. It isn’t likely they created an account to track this person down.

This is similar to the incident that happened years ago at a football game. A girl was sitting next to her boyfriend and the people behind her could see that she was texting another guy the entire game.

It appeared as though she was texting things like "I wish I was here with you" and the people behind her somehow saw her phone.

At the end of the game, the people Who saw the texting stopped and told the boyfriend who was sitting next to the girl what they saw and what was going on.

I don’t know how it became public, but I feel as though they did the right thing.

I don’t know whether the post about the guy on the plane is real or not. But I think the wife has the right to know exactly what she’s married to.

SadieMae,

I agree that I wouldn't want many parts of my life or my children's lives to be shared publicly. I still think part of the embarrassment/humiliation is the context and internalizing guilt or shame. Most people are embarrassed by a marriage that breaks up. So I'll give a different example with my cousins/uncle.

Two or three years ago my cousin in his 30s committed suicide. He gave no signs to family or friends. He was young and had a successful life and career as an advanced degree physicist, both in the military and after. My uncle struggled with this. He also has a son who has struggled with mental health issues and has gone missing for long periods and ended up in jail with a vandalism event around the same time. Part of my uncle's struggle was internalizing what he should have seen or done and how he might have been to blame. He would not have felt the same if the death had been under different circumstances. In the end, it led to all of us in the families discussing these issues in our own lives.

With infidelity, I think it can be the same. In fact, just calling it "dirty laundry" means its dirty or wrong. I think there can be a deep sense of blame or shame. I'm not saying I wouldn't feel it too. I'm just calling it out.

Definitely it would add to the chaos to have a public video. I would still want to know and deal with it.

Captain Infidelity agrees with posting this video and putting this man on blast.

No way I’d want to have something so devastating up for public opinion. I am all for exposure but there’s a huge difference between exposing the affair to those involved and blasting it on socials to go viral

Use it as leverage so the home wrecker and filthy cheater are forced to end it or come clean.

[This message edited by OnTheOtherSideOfHell at 8:39 PM, Wednesday, June 26th]

hikingout,

I'm asking you to please reconsider this statement.

I wouldn’t want to find out that way. I think the truth most likely would have come out to the bs without making the whole thing public.

There are many betrayed spouses who spent years and made life decisions based on not knowing. Yes, even though they eventually found out without it being public.

What if your spouse had divorced you and exercised your postnup agreement, and then you found out about his infidelity? Would you still feel it's ok as long as it's not public?

Considering everyone knew, but me….. At least someone stood up for what was right and now she knows. It sucks so bad, but she now understands who her H is and gets to take her agency back.

I don't think there is any good way to find out that your spouse is cheating on you.

But, not finding out is definitely worse....says the guy whose wife successfully gaslit him for 9 years.

(that guy is me in case I wasn't clear enough)

In my case, enough people knew and kept silent that there may as well have been a public video for me to see.

Standing- I am in the same boat with similar timing, hard to believe how similar our nightmare has been.