SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I’ve been with my WH for 31 years married for 29 years. Yesterday was our anniversary! Yes thanks for the well wishes

So we’ve been going through a lot. All 4 of our parents have gotten sick in the last few years. His dad died last January. He was given 3-6 months to live and died around the 6 month mark :( during those 6 months though my WS and I were really close and although he was staying at his parents during the week when he came home we loved on each other and talked and were close and connected.

After his dad died, he was always a heavy drinker, his drinking started escalating. In June my son and I went on a trip and my WS had people over for a pool party, His friends. I noticed one of his clients who had started hanging out with them was there and I noticed on our home camera she tried to avoid the camera. Since that day I’ve had my back up about her.

My marriage and my WS slowly seemed to be going downhill. Again his drinking was off the charts and he was behaving in such an erratic manner. He left me twice to go stay in a hotel between this January and April. Each time leaving for a weekend but coming back wanting the marriage to work.

At some point I saw that he called this woman at 1am . I confronted him he said it was a butt dial but something didn’t sit right with me. So I Called her and confronted her , my WS was standing there as I did it. She answered and I asked her why would my spouse be calling her at 1am she said "I don’t know I didn’t get the phone call" which is true she didn’t answer and then I asked her why would he be calling her at 1am she reiterated she didn’t know and then said "I wouldn’t be with someone who made me fee like he’s making you feel" or something like that , so condescending. I hung up and my WS said "see I told you now stop this nonsense".

FF to May where other weird things were happening like I’d show up at the bar to pick him up and he would be there with his friends but so was she. Like WTF??? He always said she was friends with everyone and he didn’t invite her and couldn’t control it and she was always trying to be friendly with me. Like phony friendly. I can’t explain it. (He was hammered I mean hammered)

Another time I went with him as his cousin was performing in a band. I get to the hall and our other friends are there and there is this OW. Again trying to be friendly. But fake friendly. So my WS again drunk proceeds to ask everyone Including her if they want a drink; but not me. So I got mad when he came back with something for everyone but Me. The evening got ugly at that point and i again confronted him about this woman and why she’s always there. He said he didn’t invite her (that turned out to be true) but he was so mad I was there. (This is one of the times he left for a weekend cause the Fight was so escalated by him and his drunkenness he left).

So in May, we had plans to watch a hockey game together at the bar with his friends. He was golfing all day and I was doing things as well. We were in touch all day and we were both happy. Then as it got closer to game time he started acting aloof. He kind of lied to me where he was but I could see from Find Me he was at the Location we had decided to meet at with his friends.

So I called him to see what he’d say, he was drunk and proceeded to fight with me and tell me not to come to the bar and if I showed up he would leave. It was just such an outrageous thing cause everything was fine during the day. My antenna went up and I said "f that I’m showing up there". The second I walked into the bar his whole demeanour changed. He ended up going to the washroom for a long time and I knew he was calling someone.

Turns out he Called that OW prior to me arriving and then called her while he was in the washroom probably to tell her not to come (again he was hammered). He also called an Uber and took off on me and all of his friends. One of the wives told me some things I didn’t know like her and her husband were wondering why she was always around and who was calling her to come and why she always showed up to drive WS home from the bar.

I guess he met up with her and didn’t come home Til 3am. Sober. She dropped him. I didn’t know this but lied and said I saw her so he never admitted it but didn’t deny it either.

We got into a huge fight that morning . He just became someone I’ve never seen before I was even worried the fight would get so much worse. He just wasn’t someone I felt like I knew. I can’t explain it. To me at the time it felt like exhaustion and alcohol. He just was a different person.

He left and has been gone since. This has been since beginning of May. When he first left he told me he loves me but not the same and wants me to find happiness and doesn’t want to be with me. Slowly it’s transitioned to "I do love you and I just need to find peace". This whole time he’s denied any doings with this lady he said he Called her and yes It was wrong etc etc etc.

My oldest and my WS has a falling outs 3 years ago over drunken behaviour from my WS , my WS also told off my youngests fiancé in a drunken stupor and my youngest almost severed ties with him as well. (Both boys live at home so I know my WS is devastated that he feels he’s lost his oldest).

This entire time I’ve thought this was because of drinking. He refuses to admit he has a problem and now it seems maybe he’s reduced his alcohol intake. BUT things have been ruminating in my head. Yesterday he told me "you’re my person and I miss my family". Then later in the evening he was an ass. He refuses to see me I’ve only seen him three times in the last month and a half. He doesn’t call me BUT when I text him he always engages and will argue and discuss things as nauseam because I can be relenting in my questioning because this whole thing is confusing. He swears there’s no one else; this is entire time I’ve thought alcohol was his mistress and I’ve been working under that premise.

So this morning at 6am my early bird WS messaged me to apologize for being an ass in texts last night . Then he said "I’m dozing off I’ll text you later" when I tried to converse longer. I knew in that moment he was with someone. So I finally got in my car and drove out to where he has been staying. (He moved from a hotel that he stayed at for weeks to an apartment citing its month to month and half the price of staying in a hotel).

I waited and then I decided I was going to go rummage through his car. I didn’t find anything. So as I start walking back. I see him round the corner with her beside him. I just lost all rational thought and took off towards them screaming "I thought you were dozing huh??? Nothing going on huh??? You slut!" And as I’m saying this my WS I thought was coming to hold me back just walked past me and got in his car and left me and her to duke?? It out I guess.

I confronted her and I was ready to fight . She said "do it I dare you" (she’s a lawyer). I then said something like "that’s my husband "

To which she replied "no he’s not he left you…" then she said which really devastated me, her face reminded me of my WS face the day he left… the venom in her eyes she said "you’ve been nothing But a bitch to him for 30 years. Maybe if you weren’t such a bitch and a bad person he’d still be with you". I wasn’t thinking clearly and said something like "we are married and trying to work things out want to see our texts" she said "ok" so I started walking towards my car then I said "ok come on you wanted to see them" and

Then she said something like "I saw your car pull up I knew you were here". I don’t know what that had to do with anything so I kept saying well you said you wanted to see the texts.

It was all a blur and I sound like an 18 year old ready to rumble in the parking lot. Every time I went towards her I stopped myself and she would cross her hands in front of her. I didn’t give her the satisfaction.

And as odd as it sounds worse then verifying my suspicions is I can’t get it out of my head "you’ve been nothing but a bitch to him for 30 years". I’m not a Perfect person but just hearing her say his thoughts has devastated me. I got in my car and left and I’ve been crying ever since. If I was such a bitch why did you stay for 30

Years?

Thanks for listening/reading.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 3:59 PM, Sunday, June 23rd]

Hey Broken.
Sending you a virtual hug.

He’s following a page from the fictional (but oh so accurate) cheaters handbook. Make you the wicked witch to justify his poor behavior. Use the drinking to numb himself from the guilt and provide liquid "courage".

I will agree with the AP on this: He has already left you. This going to hotels when fighting -that is not a guy who wants to work it out.
Spending months and all that $$$ on hotels? My XWS also left to a rental "to find himself" and yeah, that was code for bang the AP without me around, test drive being with her with me as Plan B. It’s so common and so damaging.

Mine also drank too much - like way too much. Common approach. And we were together 25 years. I get it.

Have you seen a lawyer JUST to understand what D would look like? Have you figured out how much of your marital funds he has spent on the AP? I recommend you do this.

Others will be by- weekends can be a little slower. Keep reading in the Just Found Out forum and in the Healing library. And know that you are not alone.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I am angry for you!😡The vindictiveness says kiss his ass long enough for him to dump her and then once he does, dump him! F them both, but in reality you need to get out of that situation and heal yourself first and foremost and playing that game would not be healthy. The audacity of that nasty other woman 1) to believe an obvious lying cheat 2) thinking she is something special to him and 3) being such a terrible woman is mind boggling. Cry, yell, scream and then take care of yourself.

She's his whore, and both of them have had to villainize you,in order to justify their shitty behavior.

He's given you no choice. File. And get tested for stds.

I am so sorry. Your WS has shown you who he is, believe him. He has chosen another woman and the bottle. He needs serious help for his drinking problem but you cant help him.

Get your ducks in a row. See an attorney, interview several, protect youself, your children, your finances. IC, individual counseling, does help and if the first one isn't a fit try another one.

You are strong, you can get thru this

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you're part of the club that nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful, as are the posts that have bull's eye icons. The Healing Library is another great resource and contains the list of acronyms we use.

Because it is a PA (physical affair), please get tested for STDs/STIs. Some of our members have gotten some pretty nasty things from their WS (wayward spouse). If you have problems with sleep, depression or anxiety, ask your doctor for some meds.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful with dealing with the trauma and the emotions that go along with infidelity. The emotional rollercoaster can pick you up for a ride at any time, and it's important to deal with those, too.

It sounds like your WH (wayward husband) has rewritten your marital history to justify his actions. He probably said a lot of things to her to make you out as the bad guy so he didn't feel so shitty.

It sounds like he is stringing you along by saying he wants to work on your M (marriage) while he's off with his AP (affair partner). I'm guessing that it's been going on for some time, given what you've written. You may want to see a lawyer or two just to see what separation or divorce would look like for you.

If your boys are going as far as severing connection with him, you may want to take this time and reflect on his behavior toward you. Have you been to an Al-Anon meeting for spouses of alcoholics? They may be able to help with some coping mechanisms for dealing with his alcohol use/abuse.

Sorry that you're here.

Alcohol and cheating go hand in hand. Do.not.believe.a.word.they.say. They are cheaters. He is a drunk. Let go of him. Once he sobers up, if he ever does, he will look at the reality of losing his whole family.

I am so sorry he dumped all his mess on you. I hope you can get some IC to help you process things.

First thing, see a lawyer. One who does not know the OW
Second see a dr for help with anxiety and to get tested.
Third, if you are having trouble eating, use something like Ensure. There are many of these liquid meals for times like these.

Clearly his addiction to alcohol is his top priority.

Then comes his addiction to the OW who tells him everything he wants to hear. They are United in their "fight" to protect your poor little baby/husband from you (eye roll here).

You have a very lethal combination of things to kill a marriage. His history of alienation with family, his alcoholic lifestyle AND now a cheater.

I suggest you get yourself a really good counselor to help support YOU during this period. I am not suggesting marriage counseling as that is a waste of time and money (he’s not interested).

But you have lived with an alcoholic for too long and I’m certain you have been treated poorly at times. Getting yourself together and getting support for yourself should be your top priority.

Thanks all,

I don’t even know what I’m thinking right now. How could I be so stupid and just the way I let him talk to me during all of this. :/ I am ashamed of myself.

It feels awful to hear our marriage talked about in that manner by him or people(her) who weren’t there, who don’t know what we’ve been through, what we’ve forgiven , what we did for each other and what we built together and what we meant to each other. To hear someone or anyone disrespecting our struggles and accomplishments makes me sad. 😢

For him to tear it down like that. It is also our kids memories and we were their comfort and their safe place. Our tiny little family survived so much and enjoyed so much together. Even if it ends, It was beautiful for so many reasons. I don’t know why he would say those things to anyone.

His drinking skyrocketed over the last 6-7 months, he was always a big drinker but it grew to 10-12 hour days. I was so worried but thought it was him grieving and I knew from AlAnon I couldn’t control it and now I find out he was probably drinking more and in order to facilitate meeting her and being with her.

I’m broken and sad . I’ve got an IC I go to AlAnon , I consulted a lawyer a couple months back when he left on one of the weekends.

I just don’t know where to go from here.

Prior to this no one knew he had left but yesterday after I confronted him he reached out to his sister and told her he had moved into a hotel and now an apartment months ago.

I don’t know what made him do that all of a sudden. And I don’t know what my next steps are. I want my marriage to work but how do I say that without coming across as needy and letting him know I want my marriage but now with her in the picture.

[This message edited by Broken1Again at 12:35 PM, Monday, June 24th]

I have this theory. It’s not scientific, but it is based on years and years of experience of dealing with addicts. As a cop, as a manager, as a member of a large family, as a friend of addicts, and as a long-time member of this site.

The theory is that for an active addict NOTHING is more important than the next fix.

This is why you have people risking their jobs for a Martini-lunch, despite the final warning from the boss, trying to hide the stench of alcohol with mints and mouthwash.
This is why you have parents stumbling into daycare to pick up their kids an herding them into the family-car.
This is why you have hungry mouths at home because the last cash was spent on vodka.
This is why you have such a high divorce rate amongst addicts...

As far as marriages go... I also think that sometimes a wayward spouse might have an affair to divert the betrayed spouse from the real issue. Like... you are mad at him for (possibly) having an affair (and yes – he IS having an affair), and maybe you take him back on the condition he stops seeing her. He might be willing to agree to that – as long as he keeps his vodka.

Infidelity has so many faces... This site might focus on emotional and "good old" physical infidelity, but we can have abusive emotional infidelity, financial infidelity and addiction infidelity.

Personally I don’t think an active addict – alcoholic – can ever be a committed spouse while their drug-of-choice is at the top of their priorities.
I think that even if your husband were to become faithful to you regarding other women, his alcoholism will still be his "spouse".

In the past, when we have had posters dealing with comparable situations, I have recommended the following:

Demand sobriety over fidelity.
Of course, it’s better to have both, and normally they do go hand-in-hand. But without sobriety whatever fidelity is offered NOW is simply based on his access to his next drink.
Honestly – even if he were to get sober and never touch alcohol again... he MIGHT choose the other woman over you. Your marriage MIGHT NOT survive. But notice the "might", the doubt, the sliver of hope.
At the same time – I can with 100% conviction – state that with him still an active alcoholic you do not have a realistic chance at happiness or a healthy marriage.
So... might or hopeless? Which is maritally slightly better?

Demand and expect sobriety as a basic requirement for a future as a husband and wife.

Unfortunately, the only way I can see you doing that is by refusing to be part of an active alcoholic relationship. Basically, telling him sorry, you love him, you cherish your years together and would really be willing to work at recovery and all that... but that moving forward you need a husband that can be dedicated to the marriage and where you don’t compete with a bottle. You have decided to let the bottle go, and unfortunately, he is holding on to it.
The OW... frankly she’s not the issue right now.

Although I’m going to tell you there is no rush then keep in mind that I have NEVER met an active addict whose career, fortune or net-value has improved over time... If your husband is spending his time and money at bars and hotels... guess what? Theoretically you are paying for half of his drinks. Just keep that in mind, because one thing the divorce process does is protect your assets.

Many recovering addicts will state they needed their low to desire recovery. Maybe – and hopefully – realizing he’s losing you, the respect of his family, the sanctity and safety of his home can be his low. That might be what makes him decide to attempt sobriety.

If he does... At the very least require that he seeks AA and is active in meetings and eventually 12-Step work.

Friend – I am so sorry I can’t suggest some silver bullet solution. I truly think the above is the best path for you.

So very sorry for the emotional devastation that you are experiencing from this. Most of us have been there, myself included. Hell I even thought about killing myself because the pain was too much to bear.

Looking back on my situation the best thing I could have done is not react or engage with my spouse or her lover at all for even one second. It is so far beneath you. They are so far beneath you. Do not let them see you hurting or get a rise out of you. Never let anyone talk to you like that or treat you like that. Remove yourself from it. Distance yourself from it as far as you can. Me personally I would file for divorce and never speak to him again. Never engage with her at all. It just makes you look like a fool. Do not waste your time on either of them. Focus on moving on and moving forward and healing and living your best life. No one needs or deserves this kind of nonsense tearing them up inside. Do not let it. Leave that trash behind.

Not only has your WH betrayed you and inflicted trauma on your life, but his drinking and infidelity has hurt your sons and will continue to do so. I’ve lived this nightmare as a child. My opinion is the best thing you can do for yourself and your sons is to file for D and enforce no contact. Let him go. You can’t control him. You can take pride in your M and your family and still realize that you can’t control him. Take care of you. Only communicate in writing on finance or D matters. Let your attorney handle the D. You have suffered a trauma. Time for you to heal. Your WH and the AP deserve each other. Don’t lower yourself to their level. And don’t try and force your sons to have a relationship with your WH. They will figure it out. Good luck.

Hi Broken,

I hated every word of your story and I hate that you are being treated so disrespectfully. It is crazy making how someone who you have been through so much together can be so cruel and treat you like you mean nothing. If you are anything like me, you are struggling to keep something together because of what it once was, not because of what it currently is. Meaning, your relationship with your WH has fundamentally changed and the next step in the process is understanding that the previous relationship with your husband is over. Even if he has a change of heart and he shapes up, it will still have this massive stain on it. You need to internalize that you will never get your old relationship back. Your husband is no longer that man.

You can't control other people. You cannot make him do the right thing. You cannot make him value you or your family unit or your previous life together. You cannot make him respect you. The thing is, just because he and his trash bag side piece don't respect you, doesn't mean you don't deserve respect. Just because he doesn't value you, doesn't mean you don't have value. Your worth does NOT come from him or his feelings about you. His opinion of you has no impact whatsoever on the person you are. The unfortunately reality of your situation is that he does not value or respect you so that means you are going to have to do it for the both of you.

You have nothing to work with. He is still meeting the other woman, so he is far far far from safe or reconciliation material and I need you to understand that every minute you spend trying to get him to see is a minute you could have spent working on yourself or detaching. This man does not deserve you. I think you will feel a little better once you take control of the situation. Your husband must be getting a real kick out of this, I mean, he must be pretty special to be such a supreme shit head and still have two women chasing him. I want you to read this part out loud: FUCK THAT.

I am not going to tell you what to do. I am simply going to tell you what I would do.

1. I would need an immediate and lasting change in the relationship dynamic. There needs to be a power shift. The philandering alcoholic should not be the one driving this situation. I am running this show now, he can do whatever he wants and drive his own life into a ditch, but I am getting out of the car immediately. I did this by implementing the 180. No phone calls, no texts, only email. I will respond in 24-48 hours, unless it is an emergency. The emails will only be answered if they are about kids or finances. Some people will say this extreme, but it is more about making it more on my terms and minimizing contact. He no longer received ANY of the benefits of being married.

2. Minimizing contact was key. I found the longer I was no contact, the better I felt. I started feeling like my old self again. I gained clarity and was able to see the situation for what it was, not clouded by hope or manipulation.

3. I became a polite stranger to my WH. When he would try to get a reaction or wretch control of the situation, I would treat him like a customer service agent to the cable company, lol. When he would get upset or yell, I would gray rock by saying things like, "I apologize for the inconvenience" or "unfortunately we are unable to accommodate you at this time". Always be super polite, never be helpful (unless you are helping him find where to sign on the divorce decree).

4. I saw my doctor. Specifically, my obgyn. I was preggo when my WH was cheating and it was super embarrassing to have to ask for STD tests, but I have known him forever and he was an unexpected source of support. He validated me, gave me meds (sleeping/anti-depressants) and referred me to a therapist that accepted my insurance. Its important to say that this was in 2018 but I didn't get divorced until 2023, but I am hoping you make better choices than me.

5. I met with four attorneys. I took my mom with me. I made a list of questions and updated my questions every time I met with an attorney. I donated plasma and pulled money out of my 401k until I had enough for the retainer. I got a pretty expensive (at least for me) attorney, but he was absolutely great. We came at my WH so hard and I ended up keeping the house and most of the assets.

The upshot here is that when you take all the emotions out of it, you have a really easy decision to make. This man is not a prize. Certainly not a prize you should bending over backwards and sacrificing your sanity to please. It is now time to lace up your bitch boots and take control. I am rooting for you!

<3 Keep posting

Without exaggerating, every single comment/reply has given me motivation, food for thought and above anything else, gratitude and a feeling of not being alone in this.

I thank every single one of you who has taken the time out or your day to reply and empathize with me.

F THAT is right. How dare he undermine everything we’ve had together even if it’s no longer what he wants. And to pull some trashy tramp into it who knows NOTHING about me or him cause lady, I can tell you a story or 50 of the real "bitch" of the relationship.

And so help me it’s true, I felt when he just walked past me and went into the car and left her stranded and me standing there it spoke more of what he thought of her then me. He just left her. Me I showed up unannounced , she’s supposed to be his new "person"? And he just kept on walking. Now when I think about it I laugh. Who does that???

A cowardly "bitch" does. I’m glad today I’m mad. Maybe tomorrow it changes but for now I have all of your posts to keep reminding me I need to flip this on its head. I’ve been a weak puppy dog for too long. I hope they’re happy together.

I didn’t sleep well last night, if it keeps up I’m going to the doctor for help. FTG.

I’m sure her whole convo with him was "now I see, what a bitch she is, how did you ever put up with her???" Lady, you’re in for a rude awakening. There’s a reason his kids barely talk to him and his life and family are in shambles.

I'm so sorry. My husband is much the same with the alcohol, poor relationships with our grown kids, etc... I often felt alcohol was the root of our problem too.

I wish I had more wisdom but know you aren't alone, and you don't deserve what either of them said or did to you.

Hi Broken!

Just checking in. How did your week go? How has your situation progressed?

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this Broken.

Ask yourself this, why do you want this man back, who drinks 10-12 hours a day? Who is always out at bars? Who your children hardly want to talk to?

From your posts, you seem very articulate and caring. Don't you think you're worth more than this guys?

So sorry you are here, Broken1Again. But, this is an excellent place for you to find. You've had some very good input from those who have already replied to you.

Just a couple of additional thoughts from me. First, there is nothing you did or did not do that caused the adultery. That is entirely on the WS. Something internal to them caused them to step out of bounds. In my opinion, the cheaters are shallow and self centred. The have weak commitment and attachment. Why? Does it matter?

Secondly, you've been told you've been a bitch for 30 years. If so, why were things mostly good for so many years before it started to fall apart? The cheater feels they are a good person so, if they are, it must be the fault of their spouse that caused them to commit adultery and they will build a narrative that supports it.

Don't beat yourself up about being stupid and not catching on earlier. I'm guessing you had strong attachment, love bias, denial, willful ignorance (there is a book by that title written by Margaret Heffernan with a whole chapter on adultery) and more. The person who invests the most (in anything) feels the most ownership and protectiveness.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for not cluing in as soon as you think you should have. Sleep and get sleep aids if you have trouble. Make sure you get nourishment. Meal replacement drinks have been mentioned and they were a God send for me. Stay here for support.

I am so sorry you are in this situation and this is happening to you. It’s awful.

I just wanted to say that I was in a similar position to you, ex was a functional alcoholic as well (still is I believe) and life was always about his drinking, everything we did revolved around drinking and as a non-drinker myself, it was boring and shit.

We’d been together 14 years. I remember after finding out he’d been cheating for probably at least 2 years (I still hardly know the details, I didn’t need to) I tried to forgive him and work on our relationship when I first found out then 8 months later (on New Years Eve!) I found out he never stopped.

Apologies, for the telling of my story but I do have purpose for it. In the moment of finding out the second time, I was convinced I couldn’t live without him. I had basically no friends (partly due to his drinking) and I didn’t see how I could manage. I thought about suicide.

Now, I honestly look back at myself and wonder how I lived like that. Life is SO MUCH better. I can honestly say that the worry of the drinking, the OW, weighs so heavily on you and it no longer being your problem is so amazing. I now have friends and a good life.

I guess my message is just that if you choose to leave him, there absolutely is the possibility of having a great life afterwards. It definitely doesn’t seem like it whilst you are in the midst of the misery. You can though.