SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since finding out about his affair , there are so many things I miss.

1. Being able to lay in bed and watch a movie carefree and fall asleep.
2. Ride on the back of his bike without getting flashes of her on the back holding on to him, looking at the back of the head that fathered four of my kids.
3. Laying in the sun and being completely carefree, now sometimes I wonder how many times they f***** under the same sun.
4. Not being able to drive past the woods and seeing a car parked making a joke the people are probably making love. Now I have to fight back vomit.
5. Eating at one of my favorite restaurants because he took her there, every. Freaking. Time.
6. Getting a full nights sleep without nightmares of him screwing everyone and anyone.
7. Listening to the music that I loved , now none of it is safe, how much did he share with her?
8. Looking at my kids thinking they are the best thing that happened to US , they weren’t for him, only for me.
9. Worrying about how I look all the time? Fuck the secret competition
10. Not having to drink to get through my day
11. Seeing my friends every day, now I avoid them like the plague because emotionally i have NOTHING to give.
12. Loving the house we threw $50k in to make a home four our babies.
13. Looking at memories of my phone of the kids last summer , there all hidden.
14. Not having to worry about strapping my special needs child in the back of the car (he always did) now I can’t have him even sit in the back seat because his A happened mostly in the car.
15. Going to one of my fav restaraunts bc it is the side of town she lives on.
16. Being able to hear her name and not want to throat punch people.
17. Looking at pics of our wedding , because it as so fucking perfect- minus him.
18. Not wanting to crawl out of my own effing skin.

Thanks for listening. I’m sure yall have your own list. what do you miss?

Hi Groot
I miss:
1. Listening to my favourite songs because any lyrics about lost loves or love in general sends me into crying fits
2. Cuddling in bed at night talking. Most nights it’s silently laying in the dark waiting for him to say something to me at all. We used to laugh and joke all the time.
3. Feeling safe and secure like before he blew up our marriage with his lies and deceit 44 years ago and again in 2023 when they all came to light.
4. Going away with my DD on our annual 3 day trip without thinking if he was going to call AP when I was gone.
5. Not having dreams about our future plans- now it’s like, what are you going to do to hurt me next.
6. Not being able to say all the things to him that are spinning around in my mind. I concoct whole conversations that I want to say it cannot get the words out.

Hi Groot, here are the things I miss:

1. Wearing my engagement ring. Fuck it is beautiful but now has no meaning to me.

2. Going out without wondering if I’m going to see or even recognise the AP.

3. Talking to people without wondering what they think of me knowing I stayed with a POS husband.

4. Thinking and talking about our long-distant future.

5. Having a day where I don’t think about my WH having an affair where he didn’t choose me or our family.

Just to name a few. Life will never be the same again.

For me it’s fairly simple. Despite my childhood which, while not bad, was marred by bullying / shyness / not fitting in anywhere / few friends / parents who hated each other until they divorced etc…. For me, her infidelity marked a sort of "original sin" in my life. It’s like despite life not being perfect, for the first time I really understood that people have no qualms about hurting you. I always had a happy-go-lucky approach to life. I was often lonely, but overall I was enchanted with life, learning, nature, and things generally did not bother me. That all changed after her. It’s like she showed me what cruelty actually exists in the world.

What do I miss? My innocence.

I don’t miss him at all. Not one bit.

Am I happy being single? Not really, but I am glad that I am not being disrespected and lied to every day. I no longer feel trapped and alone in marriage with a cheater.

I miss the carefree me. I miss the always positive me. The sweet me.

May she return.

She ain’t here yet.

Groot,

Some of the things I miss the most:

1. Waking up first thing in the morning and being able to have "normal" thoughts pop into my head.

2. The "innocence" and "purity" that our relationship/marriage once contained.

3. The "freedom" to go about my fucking day carefree.

4. The husband I thought I knew so well. A person who would never cheat on his family.

5. The person that I was. I was so trusting and believed the good in everybody. Now all I can see is the ugly of this world.

6. The ability to look at memories (ex. wedding day, buying a home, creating a family, vacations) and feel happy and lucky that I found someone special to share these with.

There’s light at the end of this tunnel right?!

Heartbroken wife.

I have faith there is a light at the end of this tunnel. If not I don’t think I could wake up every morning, what is the point ?

I used to miss a lot of things until I realized my whole marriage was a lie then it all became irrelevant. I even used to miss my naive innocence and who I was before the A's but I now see that person had allowed others to abuse her. I also used to miss having an intact family but it never was intact due to xWS.
I miss my youth which was wasted on my XWS.
I miss my kids when they were little (I feel like I missed out on being the mother I wanted to be but couldn't during to the fallout of my xWS A's and continued actions).
I miss some of my old friendships that were affected by the A fallout (I have rekindled a few of them).

I miss belief in our "you and me against the world," "we are one in a million," "meant to be together" fairy tale love story.

I miss being able to shop for birthday or anniversary cards without being triggered by words like "always," "never," and "forever."

Like others, I miss the innocence - the belief that the person I trust most in the world would never harm me.

But I'm happy that we were able to rebuild our marriage. And we've enjoyed many happy years since. I only regret that I did way more of the work than I should have.

Now that I've really faced that and dealt with it, its much more of a dull, melancholy ache for what was lost. Sometimes I can almost laugh at the absurdity of it. Oh well, that's life. Cue Sinatra. :/

Interesting topic, and I found myself thinking about the question and my initial reaction was the same even after a little thought. If I had to list the things I miss, weirdly after 7 years from d-day 1 and about 5 from the final d-day, the things I miss are:

Nothing.

I am glad to have found out who my WH really was instead of living the lie (or at least half-informed truth) about the person I chose to spend my life with. I also do NOT miss the person I was: trusting to a fault. Really, it was a fault. Not nearly as self-assured and not nearly as ready to take care of myself as I thought I was. So unprepared...

Would I have liked to learn these lessons another way? Absolutely. Would I go back to those days, even if the A that blew it all up didn't happen? No way...just because it didn't happen then doesn't mean it couldn't have eventually. My WH has some fundamental flaws as a person I had zero idea about. And it's not to say someone else I could meet won't as well. But what happened to me - the total life devastation - that is a thing of the past precisely because the past happened.

I have a better job - better suited to me and the life I want to live. I travel - sometimes with him and sometimes without. My finances and my plan for my future do not rely on anyone else but me as I am self sufficient. 'm not lonely, angry, upset, miserable, or any more unhappy that any human existence normally has - and I'm okay that it's not all roses all the time. I feel peace and I still love my dogs :)

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:12 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

TISL

I loved reading that. Hugs!

Thanks TG - I hope you get to where I am - sometimes the different you is a better you. You should come for a visit (or I should)!

And in reading everyone's list I realized how much I have changed. I did miss a lot of those things, especially the first few years out. Like this: I HATED feeling like this:

Going away with (whoever) on our annual 3 day trip without thinking if he was going to call AP when I was gone.

But I really don't anymore. I think it all just sucked too much energy out of me after awhile and I really realized the things I missed were mostly a fantasy. I totally over-romanticized our beginnings. It's not that WH didn't write the best love letters - he did - but those were love-bombing letters. I know that now. Yuck. No thanks. I'll take someone who is simply happy having a meal together after we finished restaining the deck any day. But I think that's a lot of it - the A demolishes our fantasy. I do sincerely hope you all find happiness in your realities - and look at the things you do have and cherish them - especially yourselves! !!!

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:19 AM, Wednesday, June 12th]

Spot on ThisIsSoLonely.

The person who emerged from his affair is a person I wish I was decades ago - more confident, takes no crap and doesn’t give a damn about what others think. I put myself first and take crap from no one.

I learned how to get what I want without yelling or screaming. I don’t negotiate on certain things. When my kids don’t clean up after themselves in the kitchen, as an example, my H knows I’m NOT doing it so he does it. And he knows I expect the kitchen to be spotless.

Before his affair everyone else came first. Not anymore.

Some of the things I miss the most:

1. Waking up first thing in the morning and being able to have "normal" thoughts pop into my head.

2. The "innocence" and "purity" that our relationship/marriage once contained.

3. The "freedom" to go about my fucking day carefree.

4. The husband I thought I knew so well. A person who would never cheat on his family. look

5. The person that I was. I was so trusting and believed the good in everybody. Now all I can see is the ugly of this world.

6. The ability to look at memories (ex. wedding day, buying a home, creating a family, vacations) and feel happy and lucky that I found someone special to share these with.

Heartbroken wife summed it up perfectly for me. What I can tell you I don't miss though. The freaking cowardly idiot who would blindly trust anyone. I felt like I was so unworthy of love. I had no confidence in my ability to have a solid relationship. I was grateful to be married to her and would do anything for her. I worked my ass off to provide for our family and felt it was my duty (which in my eyes it was) but never felt appreciated for my sacrifices. Now I know I am worthy. I deserve and deserved to be treated better and respected for what I did bring to the table. I know now that I am worthy of love and I'm no longer codependent in that I need her. I know I can be happy alone. My breakthrough in my last IC session, and something I think my therapist has been waiting to hear me admit, I CAN MEET MY OWN EMOTIONAL NEEDS, I don't need her to meet them for me. That was a pivotal moment for me. I just wish I never had to go through this hell to get to this point.

The betrayal and everything made me realize that my reality quite often did not correspond to the reality. In that sense, it's hard to miss stuff since I don't even know what was real. It's like missing an imaginary friend, an invisible car, or vacation I only dreamt about. It's not real, it never was. Except for the stars. Stars were always very real, as well as "space talks" I've had underneath them since I was a kid. I miss looking at stars without being reminded of the stupid crap he did. I'm so mad he defecated on something that's so dear to me. Stars are too precious (or maybe I'm too stubborn), so I did not allow the betrayal to take that away from me. I still stargaze, and have my "space talks", no matter how fake they feel, no matter how much it hurts. Fake it till you make it! Nevertheless, there's still some shit in the sky, and the shit looks like OW's face.

5. Eating at one of my favorite restaurants because he took her there, every. Freaking. Time.

That's the worst one in my book.

It is annoying I'm triggered by entire cities or get angry at highway signage that points to where they went on vacation. I can tell when he deliberately drives the long way to go around places he took them to, and that's worse than just driving by them.

I miss trusting my H completely along with strange women--now that I know what the random women I meet are capable of.

My response to this post has two parts to it; what I miss and gratitude for who I am today.

I miss who I used to be before his behaviors destroyed my world as I knew it. It wasn't perfect but I felt vibrant, well and alive, and I also looked forward to his retirement and our future together.

That's another thing I miss, looking forward to our dreams of traveling. That is all he talked about for years; his retirement and our traveling together. But in all truth, his behaviors would have destroyed our time traveling anyways. He became no fun to be around. In the end it seemed like all he cared about was alcohol and other women. I began to hate how I felt when I was around him. It was terrible.

I miss being able to trust another person blindly the way I did with my husband. I will never do that again. I feel that my soul is closed off to others except for my daughter. She is the only close to me who hasn't hurt me. She is a good friend and fun to be around.

I miss a deep friendship I thought I had with my wh husband before the truth surfaced. From that point forward I have lived in deep shock, sadness and distrust.

But I have become authentic which I really like.

I miss having a companion to do things and go places with. I thought he was going to be my trusted companion and best friend for life.

I miss a fulfilling life. I lost everything. After multiple DDay's, his death, several family members deaths, moving into a whole new environment, my kids getting married to their partners and moving on with their lives, I just don't feel anywhere near myself anymore. But thankfully I live close to my daughter and her husband. I am blessed that they are so kind, caring and watch out for and are protective over me and my best interests. I thankfully have that going on.

I guess right now I feel like I'm only existing. I don't think I could open myself up to another relationship again. I tried so hard to make things right with my husband but it wasn't in him to fix himself. He died without much change or acknowledgement of how he hurt me. He stayed in denial all of the way to his death. At least he fed me bits and pieces TT to where I could put the puzzle of his past together after his death.

I actually thought I was doing so well. What he did to me and us was and still is so heartbreaking. This is so hard to do. And oddly now and in a sense I have the world at my fingertips but other parts of me are missing now. My purpose for living my life well lived is pretty much non existent. But I also feel that I am still in deep mourning and this too shall pass.

Thank you for making this a topic. Helps to put things down in writing and to really take a good look at what I've been feeling instead of just thinking about it. And I also want to say that I do have good things going on too. I finally have taken up Pilates and Yoga. I love them both. I started to swim but slacked off again. But it's the newly renovated jacuzzi that keeps beckoning me to get back to the gym and do those laps. I am slowly getting reorganized and getting ready to follow my daughter and her husband for a military move. How fun and exciting. No grandchildren yet but I'm sure that will be in the near future.

I've also done some traveling on my own. It's just okay. I think I need to rethink this one and plan to do retreats where I get some pampering in. I think that would be fun! I have my horses and my dog. I also believe that gratitude for what I currently do have in my life should also be noted.

I get to wake up each morning listening to all of the different birds chirping away. Music to my ears. It's the little things in life that matter most to me now.

I am still hopefull that living life fully again is not out of the question but I believe I still need more time to heal. It's been a little over 4 years, and I am just taking things day to day and trying to strive for the best in each day now. And it still doesn't happen as often as I would like it to, but rest is also a good thing too.

When I look back at my life with my husband, I can see so clearly now who he was and what he was doing. And who he was in the early days of our marriage, verses towards the end of his life. I don't want to to say ewe and crinkle my nose but I can't help it.😅 His behavior and his choices in life were terrible and it affected how I felt about him. It doesn’t matter how much he love
bombed me to cover up the bad things he did to me. His behaviors ruined my feelings for him.

And for many reasons I felt I needed to stay with him and accept my lot in life. I wouldn't recommend to anyone staying in an abusive marriage if they have a way out. These types of behaviors, infidelity, other women, addiction destroy lives and families. My 2 cents.

I still have my sense of humor. I've become a jokester, and silly. And confident in myself. No one gets to push me around and mistreat me anymore. I especially like how strong I have become in myself.

Not all is lost.

I just miss what I thought was good but I've also changed in so many good ways. Stepping into reality was the best thing that could have happened to me now matter how painful it was.

I am sorry if I got too off topic but I felt for me I needed to bring up the gratitude and ither insites that I now have. And although my life still doesn't look and feel so great today maybe there is hope for a better future.

How are you holding up, Groot?

Hey ink.

Started dipping my toes in EMDR Monday. I start doing it weekly soon.

To say that it didn’t make me want to throw up and hide would be a lie. I know in the long run I will be SO MUCH BETTER but man short term I feel like I should be locked up😐.

Had a mental breakdown after the first session because it opens so many doors you never want to reopen. Thank you for checking in. Hope you’re better than me?

Sounds like I probably am

Don’t over do it, but it sounds like you found some skeletons to clear out. Remember, marathon, not sprint.