SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Not really sure if I’m looking for some sort of validation for what I’m going through or maybe its just a post about a realization of some sort. At 7.5 months from Dday, not sure if I would officially label mine and my WH status as "R" … I guess I’m currently letting him pave the way (sometimes I’m on the path, sometimes I’m not).

This post will resonate more with those of you who have a WS who is trying (or have done the work) to put their best foot forward and jump through all the hoops to fix their shitshow. I would consider my WH to be busting his ass off to do all of those magical things to prove he is deserving of me/his children and the things he needs to do in order to become a safe partner again. Honestly, all of these said efforts are "the least" he could do after what he’s done, however, he really could of made the choice not too. I think about how he could of chosen to abandon us, but he’s choosing to fight for us like a husband/father should.

He’s doing the things I knew he was capable of doing prior to the A and isn’t necessarily the "monster" he was during the A, but in fact somebody I could be proud of down the road (if he keeps it up … forever). I keep thinking "what if he chose not to change, what if he left us for her, what if he ended the A but continued being the asshole he had become prior to the A?" Instead, he FINALLY made the right choice (took some awfully disturbing ways to get there) and wants to be that present father and amazing husband I was promised on our wedding day.

I walk around "pretending" like his efforts don’t matter or I don’t care about them (but I actually do - more than I would like to admit). I know that I’m just guarded right now and I want him to feel scarred/not wanted/not loved, but I honestly would be a complete wreck if he made any of those other choices I mentioned above. I would feel so low, weak, decreased self esteem and self worth if he would have left, especially left me for her. Instead I feel powerful (is that weird to say) because my WH wants me, loves me, chooses me and doesn’t want to live his life without me - no matter if I choose to shit on him the rest of his days.

Not sure where I’m going with this … I guess I’m currently "ok" and sitting "pretty" in my current seat because I feel like I’m the one in control of things. On the other hand, I sit with the alternative and question my "approach" to pretending I don’t give 2 shits … what if he decides to leave us after all and not "put up" with my "coldness" towards him? I feel like I could be the one who ends up grovelling wanting to make my family work - I sure don’t want to do that or be that person!

Ugh. I know my post is kinda all over the place. I’ve just been thinking about how his choices, not only before/during/after the A has me questioning my choices to his choices.

My own two cents are that you are guarded and don't share your inner feelings with him yet because you don't trust him. So you are distancing yourself to some degree. At ~7 months that isn't surprising.

If you want to pursue R, eventually you'll need to take a little leap and open up to him a little more on what is going on within you, and work to close that distance.

If you haven't gotten a therapist yet, I suggest one both for yourself, and also a marriage counselor for the two of you as a couple.

IMO, you need to show a little vulnerability sometime for 2 reasons. The first is to be honest - R requires honesty from both WS and BS.

The second is to test your WS. R requires a WS who keeps going for life, because IMO R morphs into M. If you show your WS recognition and appreciation for the work they've done, a good candidate for R will keep going. I suspect a not-so-good candidate will slack off. You need to know which one you're dealing with.

I opened up very slowly, a little at a time. That worked, so I think that's a good approach. The problem is that you have to find a method that works for you, and you have to choose your timing.

Since you're writing about this, now may be a good time to open yourself up a bit - but you know your sitch a lot better than I do, so you choose your time.

I guess it sounds like a wooing of sorts, a courtship dance and in that context it seems fine this effort to regain your love and trust. I think, however, what I am zooming in on is your fragile self esteem, as you describe it, and how reliant it is on another’s validation. That’s good information to know, because now you know where you have to put in the work, in yourself. How might you do that? What might help you feel better about yourself?

Sissoon is right about vulnerability being authentic connection with another. Vulnerability is a strength and takes courage. And trust. It’s not clear whether it is himself or yourself you don’t trust. Probably both. Focus on learning how to trust yourself, the rest will follow. Read or watch Brene Brown on YouTube regarding vulnerability and daring greatly. She’s good on shame also. I’m wondering what part shame plays in your low self esteem.

You do sound guarded as written above and that's perfectly normal at this stage in the game.

You might consider telling him just that. It's a tiny step forward because it's honest and makes you vulnerable. It's ok (and honest) to say that you recognize his efforts and you appreciate them. But you still feel guarded because you are not ready to fully trust him just yet.

This way he gets a bit of encouragement but more importantly, he knows exactly where you are and what he needs to keep doing.

saturnpatrick

Definitely have walls up and I feel like I keep distancing myself to feel safe (I sure as hell don’t feel safe with him). That’s why I can’t say we are in "R" necessarily because I’ve taken a back step on my vulnerability … I’m mentally exhausted and so angry that I can’t seem to push past it. I just started IC so we will see if that helps and we are in MC with someone who we both really like and I feel we like what therapy has to offer us - but for me personally I’ve been struggling with implementing the "tools" outside of session.

sisoon

Thank you for your insight. I never really thought about "testing" my WH in this sense. Right now I’m flat out stonewalling him and his efforts (which is something I’ve always done … always) and it’s a habit I’m having a hard time lessening. I feel like I tried a softer approach and was more consistent with keeping my emotions in check a few months ago then presently - for some reason, extreme anger and resentment keep kicking into play and holding me back. It’s so hard to break habits you’ve had forever … I know it’s so important to open up a little, but it’s easier said than done. I’m hoping my IC can help with this.

Edie

I definitely don’t like to "let on" that his A has made me weak and fragile, but it has … in someways, not all. I don’t know if I’ve done a lot of self work yet … I’m sure I have and I don’t even know it, but I have such a long way to go. I just started with IC, so I really hope this will be a game changer for me and my healing. You’re right. I don’t trust him, and I don’t trust myself anymore (to be honest, I don’t even know what this means for me). It’s all so infuriating because trust was the one thing I always had for him and thought I would always have, so when that was completely shattered I was instantly lost. I will look into BB.

TheEnd

I get what you’re saying. I think I could feel "safe" telling him that and throwing him that bone.

Some recos:

1) Express your emotions. Angry? Write it out, go someplace where you can scream and use it to scream. Hit pillows, with your hands or with something that can do damage. Break plates. Stand across the room from your WS, and tell them you're furious - and show it in the way you hold yourself and in your tone of voice.

2) You may feel weak and shattered. Look in the mirror. You'll almost definitely see yourself, a human being, a full-fledged member of the human race. You were not shattered - some illusions were. You're still here working on healing from trauma. That takes enormous emotional strength - and you're doing it. That's the opposite of 'weak'.

3) I, too, think expressing appreciation for something you WS does might take you in the direction you want to go. Would you thank someone for holding a door open for you, or giving up a seat on a crowded bus, or letting you go first when you reach the checkout line at the same time? If you start thanking your WS for something he does, that's how re-bonding can start - just an impersonal 'thank you', one person to another. If they keep it up, it might become something more, those initial TYs are about actions in the (immediate) past and say nothing about the future.

I wholeheartedly agree with Sisoon's comment below:

IMO, you need to show a little vulnerability sometime for 2 reasons. The first is to be honest - R requires honesty from both WS and BS.

As part of the MASSIVE unfairness buffet a BS has to deal with is the dessert cart that is R - something you can opt out of and avoid the additional things you must deal with and instead just end the meal. If you choose to go forward, being guarded is fine, but R requires two, and I have found that openness is the quickest way forward. It is totally okay to tell your WS those things you mentioned: your fears about being abandoned, your desires to make this work, and your lack of ability at this time and place to do any more than you are.

But, I would caution to not be afraid of the outcome if your WS stops behaving as he is right now. The fact is that while you likely would be gutted if your WS decided to leave - that would not be for the rest of your life. You would, in fact, move on. And you would, in fact, be okay. I think you are letting your fear drive you too much - and if you are in IC this is something worthy of discussion. One of the "good" things that came out of this who infidelity mess was my own transformation to a much stronger person than I was - like exponentially stronger and more self assured that I ever was before.

There are many examples on this site of WS who started like yours has, but tires later on, wondering aloud eventually as to "why can't you get over it" or "how long do I have to be punished" etc. I'm not saying your WS will be one of those - I have no crystal ball. But I do fear for you because you are not prepared to address that if indeed it does happen. You need to get to a place where you don't NEED your spouse, (or any partner) to make your world okay - instead you WANT them. It is a healthier place for you to be.

Are you in IC? If not I suggest that you do so - I didn't want to do it but it really did help. Your self esteem has taken a major beating but I think what you should focus on for you is feeling more secure in YOUR life and person and not have that connected to your WS the way it is now. I'm not being judgmental - I indeed was in your place too in that I was so concerned about the outcome and the hurt it would cause me. Finding a way to let go of the outcome and becoming a more grounded person WILL help these feelings you are having.