SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sitting here, just had a good cry.

And I don’t even understand why. Why can’t I just let go?

I won’t even bother to explain everything. Read my former posts if you wanna trash yourself. We were together for ~ 6.5 years. I’m 31, she is 29. 5 years where lala-land, pure love. We have a dog. We had a great apartment. We were all over each other.

Then I started to have some issues and got really obnoxious. Then my father died and I got even more messed up.

Year 5 She ended up with her married co-worker who also has kids. They had sex in our car, our home, his home, hotels, parking lots.

So that’s that.

What followed was 6 months of me doing the pick me dance and transforming my life. Started to work out. Re-built my social circle. Next month I’m done with university and gonna start a great job with 100% WFH and insane starting salary.

All for us. I wanted to forgive her and start over. I truly believe that people can make mistakes. Big mistakes even. But she was for me the most important person on this planet and she knew that.

Long story short we reconciled. It was messy at first but got much better over time. Then her sister died. Then reconciliation failed and she broke up 5 weeks ago.

Why do we hold on to people who trash us? I truly can say this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. And I’ve been through a lot. I’m a shell of who I was. I used to be very self Conscious, direct, loving and I’ve had my principles in life.

I threw all of this over board for her. To get our family back (she, our dog, me. We have no kids and I don’t want kids).

I look into the mirror and I see a stranger. Who is that guy? And why is she all I want even after she discarded me a second time?

I heard she’s already going out with her girl gang. She gets hit on where ever she goes. I know it’ll be a matter of weeks until she’s on to the next chapter.

While I’m here, crying.

I often wonder why I am the way I am. I’m trying to find out why I’m holding on to this.

I hate her parents. I hate what she did to us. Why hold on?

Is it because she is so god damn good looking? That would be fucking pathetic. Is it because I can’t shake off how beautiful and intense our connection was?

I hope I’ll find a therapist soon because everyday feels like I’m losing myself even more.

Hi, DeDe, on my way out but I wanted you to know you've been heard.

I went back and took a brief look at your initial post last summer, the person you love isn't who you think she is. You love who she was.

She's played a game with your emotions for almost a year. She came back then she left then she came back, I don't think she was ever all in after her A. You are not a yo-yo to be played with, you are a human being who gave it your best shot.

Please, please find a therapist asap.

In your initial post you took a lot of the blame for her affair...hell no! My husband traveled and had a hobby that took him away from home very frequently, I was lonely and exhausted and had no time for myself ever and anxious many times but I didn't cheat. He did.

You deserve someone who has both feet in the door and who is faithful.

You will get through this, lean on us, your therapist, trusted family and friends. You will find yourself again, every member here has been through this living nightmare and somehow survived.

I often wonder why I am the way I am. I’m trying to find out why I’m holding on to this.

You’ve been heard, DDG.

I think putting your attention on why you are who you are, instead of why she did what she did, is a good thing. If you can answer that question, then that will be a positive thing throughout the rest of your life above and beyond dealing with the affair and the break up. You will come out of this process stronger and wiser.

You respect her, when she isn't deserving of that respect. Intellectually you know it, but it hasn't really sunk in for you yet.

In time you will learn that you are mourning the loss of the person you thought she was.

She may get hit on at the bar, she may move on to the next chapter. Based on the information presented to me, that chapter might not last very long before she bails on that one and move onto another chapter. Judge her based on her actions, not on the person you wish she was.

Based on the things she has done, she is not deserving of your respect. By extension, you should not place any real importance on her decisions, they are being made by someone who is not respectful. Also I wouldn't put a lot of value on any opinions she has about you -- again they are the opinions of a person who is not very respectful. Spending too much time thinking about either of those will be like wasting your time trying to get some useful information from a malfunctioning instrument.

My own super-abbreviated story with my FWW:
* I held her in high regard, and placed high value on her opinions and actions. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.
* When things started to seem suspicious, she would deny, and I of course believed her because of the respect I had for her
* When it was no longer deniable, I still somehow respected her so much that I decided she wouldn't do this unless she had a really good reason. I figured the issue must have been me somehow and went about a lot of the same self-changes you made.
* Hopefully eventually you'll realize that she just wasn't a good person, and anything she told you or decisions she's made related to you should be taken with a giant grain of salt.

You didn’t reconcile, at all. She was never someone who would ever be a safe partner. Things got tough and she went for a married man, while keeping you in her back pocket. You were used. Plain and simple.

Also, so what if she’s going out and doing whatever? That should tell you everything you need to know about her, and how she felt about you and relationships in general. It’s all about her and when her partner needs something or is in a bad place she’s out, cheating.

You don’t see it now but you dodged a big one. She is not, nor ever will be a woman who becomes a wife. Promise, she will absolutely cheat again on the next poor sucker.

You don’t love who she actually is, just the ghost of who you thought she was. I’d bet if you took an objective glance back at your relationship, everything was all about her and there tons of red flags you missed

It sucks. You hang on because it is hard to let go of who you thought she was (who she presented herself to be, falsely), the future you had planned, and your sense of safety. She blew all those up. With a little time, you will see that there are many alternate futures— and they are great. And your sense of safety - well you’ve only had you to rely on all this time, it was a false safety net with her. And sadly, she did not live up to who she said she was.

A good therapist will help you reconcile reality with the thoughts in your head, and help you rediscover the awesome guy you are. You mention there was a time you didn’t behave the way you wanted. (Trauma and grief can do that!), so you can also explore that a little. You will come out embracing your strength, understanding that you can’t control her, and the only one you can control is you.

Keep working on yourself- mentally, emotionally, physically, career…. It’s all gonna pay off with an amazing life.

* I held her in high regard, and placed high value on her opinions and actions. I wouldn't have married her otherwise.
* When things started to seem suspicious, she would deny, and I of course believed her because of the respect I had for her
* When it was no longer deniable, I still somehow respected her so much that I decided she wouldn't do this unless she had a really good reason. I figured the issue must have been me somehow and went about a lot of the same self-changes you made.
* Hopefully eventually you'll realize that she just wasn't a good person, and anything she told you or decisions she's made related to you should be taken with a giant grain of salt.

Wow. This blew my mind. This is spot on. I hope I get to the last point eventually, working on it.

How do I "connect" with reality?

On one hand, you are in the process of dealing with your illusions, and no one can say for sure how that process will end. It's natural for illusions to have a stranglehold on some people, but most people seem to shake off the loss eventually. Some don't, though, and my reco is to work with a good IC to get help healing in case you are holding tighter than is healthy.

A lot of what you write about your relationship doesn't seem reasonable. I've been hooked on my W sonce 1965, but I've always been aware of things I didn't like. Until the A, I thought of our life as a very simple, loving, joyful one, but I always knew it was far from perfect - there were things we wanted from each other but couldn't give. Still can't. And I always knew that either one of us could call it quits at any time. But you're not me.

We can help you. You can vent, ask questions, get support, get opinions on what an IC or anyone else tells you. There are things you can get from SI that you can't get from face-to-face therapy, but therapy can give you things that SI can't give, which is why my reco is: post here, and work with a good IC.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:54 PM, Tuesday, May 28th]