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I have started to follow the 180. But there is not a lot of information I have been able to find regarding children in the house. Any advice or experiences would be great.

You work on detaching.

Basically, treat him like an annoying roommate. Polite.

No sex. No small talk. Only speak about kids and finances. If he walks in a room, you walk out. He can sleep in a spare room,or on the couch. The kids can be told he snores,or whatever. You don't do his laundry,fix his plate,pour his drink, schedule appointments for him,go out on dates,and try to limit family outings. He can take the kids. Or you can. Unless you both must go. In that case, be polite. No physical touch.

It can all be done with kids around. They might notice something is off, if you are a couple that is very physically affectionate, but they probably won't even realize.

Also..no affair talk. No questions. The point is to detach, so you can start to heal.

I just realized you're a man. I apologize for using the wrong pronoun. Advice still stands.

If you do anything for her, like putting gas in her car,etc, stop.

How old are the kids?

I'd make a point to schedule solo activities with the kids. Do talk to your spouse in advance enough to explain that these outings will be solo adventures, so she doesn't invite herself along and act like it's a "happy family" activity. Then invite the kids.

Make sure you become very familiar with kids schedules and obligations. Make sure you're getting informational emails from schools and reading them. If your kids are older and in sports/activities, use school websites or reach out to coaches to get the season schedule, etc. You want to plan fun things with the kids, but you also want to work around what they already have going on.

Also side note (and this comes from my own parenting experience), make sure your plans acknowledge your kids' interests, not just yours. Maybe that heads-ups isn't necessary though.

Finally (assuming not-yet-driving age kids here), if you aren't already doing half of the kid drop-off/pick-up and carting around the kids, work that into your schedule.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 7:25 PM, Friday, May 3rd]

It’s hard. Very hard. I only did this for a couple of months before he moved out and it was horrid. I cried a lot while the kids were at school.

If you have already made the decision to D, I suggest very quickly working out who is moving out (assuming one parent will keep the family home) and then implementing that while the D is in process. It is simply not worth torturing yourself for the months (or possibly years) that the D process can take. It is also all too easy to slip into playing happy families and that can mess with your head.

Do talk to your spouse in advance enough to explain that these outings will be solo adventures, so she doesn't invite herself along and act like it's a "happy family" activity.

I don't think I'd explain it in general terms because that sounds too much like "I'm doing the 180 on you!" which you don't want to do, but I would say, outside of the kids' earshot, "I'm taking the boys for pizza at 6. If there's anything conflicting on their schedule that I don't know about or if they need to be back by a certain time, please let me know." Unless she's completely oblivious, she'll get the picture. If she invites herself along, you could say firmly but kindly, "This is a Dad only outing." If she persists, offer to let her take them instead. Don't cave and go together.

If the kids have sports or school events, you could ride together if that's what you usually do, and sit together, but no small talk. Get up and walk around if that feels easier than sitting next to her.

If you usually sit at the table for dinner and it would be disruptive to the kids to change that, you go ahead and sit at the table and make conversation with the children, not with her. You don't ignore her, but you don't intentionally engage her. You don't fill/clear her plate, you don't make her favorite dish, you don't make her a cup of tea.

Once the kids go to bed, don't stay in the same space as her. You go behind a closed door or you leave the house, and you don't tell her what you're doing, what you're thinking, or where you're going. No conversations other than business about the house and kids. No cute conversations about the kids. Business only.

She's not behaving like your wife, so don't behave like her husband. Merely coparent with her like she's a nanny whom you don't particularly like all that much.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 8:03 PM, Friday, May 3rd]

My Sons are 17, 13, and 11. I am highly involved in their day to day activities. I am the one to pick them up from school, and most of the time through the years cooked dinner for us. I'm already planning some solo fishing times, hit the driving range, other leisure activities. It's going to be real tough the next few weeks as my Oldest has his senior prom and Graduation.

Thank you all for the advice.

At that age, we encourage age appropriate honesty. Kids aren't stupid. And,often, they discover the affair before the spouse does.

I read your previous posts.

She's lying. You know that. She isn't doing anything to prove to you that she didn't cheat, because she cheated. You caught her red handed. The hotel people have zero reason to lie. She has every reason.

Blow the affair up. Call his wife and tell her exactly what happened.

It doesn't sound as if the affair is over. She's acting like an entitled, petulant teenager.

The men who have the most succes at true reconciliation, are the ones who,right out of the gate, refuse to tolerate one more minute of abuse. Infidelity is abuse. Set hard boundaries. Tell her if she wants any chance, there will be a polygraph. And follow through with that. Definitely no sex until she is tested,amd the results are back.

See an attorney, and find out your rights. It will empower you.

When I have gone through periods of detaching from my husband due to constant TT, the kids (aged 11 and 12), pick up on it straight away.

It really, really affects them. They just seem so sad. We've always done everything together as a family since they were tiny. They're also really used to seeing us very affectionate, and jokey 😥

I can plan outings, do things separately all I want, but they notice, and I see the worry in their faces.

Its the most awful position for a BS to be in and I really struggle.

I'm sorry, this probably isn't very helpful. I think it totally depends on the pre-existing dynamics.

It's going to be real tough the next few weeks as my Oldest has his senior prom and Graduation.

Here, I'm just going to tell you what I would do.

While doing as much of a 180 as possible, I would also try to make the marriage damage as low key as possible to the kids for these next weeks to try to let the focus stay on your son's upcoming events.

That's a super hard tightrope to walk, but might be a bit of a gift to your son. More dramatic moves could be made this summer when the kids would have time to adjust.

I am highly involved in their day to day activities. I am the one to pick them up from school, and most of the time through the years cooked dinner for us.

That's awesome and will serve you well in your ongoing relationship with your kids no matter what happens in your marriage. Also, if you divorce, you are clearly already well equipped to be a single parent. You're already doing a lot of the heavy lifting.

I'm already planning some solo fishing times, hit the driving range, other leisure activities.

That sounds perfect. Focus on what feeds your soul.

Sorry this is so very, very tough.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 3:09 PM, Saturday, May 4th]

This is a topic that always hits home for me - I was the child in one of these situations - lived through it from 7-9 years old roughly. I think you might be able to pull off "hiding" it from older teenagers (I didn't care what my parents did from 15 onward so I likely would not have noticed). If they are younger IMO people kid themselves into thinking they have hidden it well enough from their kids. A good friend of mine was the WS (year long workplace A) and when d-day happened her kids were 8 and 10. My friend and her husband reconciled and they are still married...and that was 10 years ago - but they stayed together "for the kids' at the time even though things looked unfixable. Her youngest is STILL in therapy and notes that the uncertainty from that time affected her deeply. Both she and her WS now say that if they had to go through all that again they would not remain in the same house and let the kids live though that. They almost always know something is off and not knowing why or at least what can make for an anxious childhood.

I do not think you can "fake" your way out of these situations. I think that separating IS the way to go when you have kids - especially younger ones. My parents rarely fought with us in the house - but the TENSION...it's there and your kids notice it. I think the following is really a rose-colored glasses concept:

It can all be done with kids around. They might notice something is off, if you are a couple that is very physically affectionate, but they probably won't even realize.

I have said it before and will say it again: If you compare your marriage - your family to your house - if your house is on fire you don't leave the kids inside and hope to put it out - you get them away to safety and then try to save the house. Are they still traumatized by the fire? Of course. You can't change that. Are they more traumatized sitting inside a burning building in a room hoping that their parents can put out the fire? I spent many nights in that quiet room - and many nights wondering WTF was going on. What my parents taught me from all that I think transitioned into how I first deal with the A...I tried to quietly fix it. It was a mistake. Telling your kids you are separating does not require you to tell them why. If they are not old enough to deal with it the real why explaining you are not getting along and/or having problems or whatever is better than saying nothing and leaving them to wonder.

So - if you feel you must stay, letting the kids know something is up IMO is better than gaslighting them.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 4:13 PM, Sunday, May 5th]

What’s your goal with the 180?
Realize that it’s not an alternative lifestyle to base a marriage on. It’s a tool to improve YOURSELF to reach a base or level where you feel empowered to control your own destiny:

Fundamentally, it is all about personal empowerment and rebuilding your self esteem. It is not about manipulating your spouse and when this is not understood it interferes with the results. The goal of the 180 is to become the type of person that you want to be

I want to warn you about something I already mentioned in another thread on your situation: The worst outcome.
In that post I shared that the worst outcome would be realizing that you are at best sharing your wife with another man. There is a second, nearly-as-bad outcome that tends to be even more common amongst those dealing with infidelity. That’s where a couple remain together without ever dealing with the infidelity. It’s where you huff and puff, sleep on your side of the bed, don’t make her tea or whatever. She turns her back to you, doesn’t sort your socks and answers using one syllable words... Then with time maybe you have a cuddle and even sex, maybe you forget to be angry at each other when having friends for dinner... All of a sudden you have a manageable semi-sort-of marriage where you are no longer consumed by the affair. But you two have still never dealt with it...

This scenario is possibly the most common one. Way too many on this site fell for it, and call it "reconciliation", even though the only part of true reconciliation they have done is that the actual affair is over. It’s hidden behind excuses like "I cant afford to divorce" or "I’m leaving the moment junior leaves for college" or "I don’t want my kids to be from a broken home".
This tends to be the scenario I warn the most against. I’m all for REAL reconciliation and REAL divorce. Both are very definite and firm paths to get out of infidelity and – with true R – create a good marriage.

You haven’t shared what you have done to confront your wife, and where you two are now. Is she still seeing the OM? Have you told his wife? Have you set your boundaries and decided what YOU are willing to accept?

I want to be really clear on this: I truly think that a firm stance is your BEST path to true reconciliation and a good marriage. I also think that if she can’t offer you that – say for example the OM truly was her "soul mate" and she truly wishes she was with him – then it’s 100% your best step to learn that and move on with YOUR life.
Let’s put it this way: In ten years from now I don’t want her to look at you and think "It’s good I had the affair. It was a wake-up call for our marriage", but rather "Thank God he didn’t leave me despite my affair, and I wish I had done all this work on our marriage without that terrible thing I did".