Turning Point?

This morning I had a conversation with my WW discussing a trigger and some agitation I experienced last night. For some background, my WW wife went out with some friends last night after work. On her way home she asked if I wanted to go for a nightcap with her. I obliged and we went out for about a hour and a half. She was distant, the conversation was forced, and I got really agitated with myself for going along and triggered as it felt the same way when she was deep into her A. I went to bed in the basement and told her I was triggered and agitated with myself.

I was agitated for going out when I was in a "good spot" and should have just gotten much needed rest instead of a drink. I was agitated for going above and beyond house projects looking for validation from her (a bad habit in our marriage) that I told myself I would no longer do. And triggered by the feeling in the bar at that time.

We had a discussion this morning how I felt she invited me because she felt bad that she went out with friends. For me it felt like an invitation out of pity and fulfilling a need for her - not me. Told her it felt like a consolation prize when I was happy with what I was doing, and glad she was out with friends to blow off steam outside of the house and kids. Told her the distance triggered me to the A era. I also expressed that I don't need her or anyone else's pity. I'm sick of folks feeling sorry for me. Explained with the pile of crap she laid on me that I'm stronger in every sense of myself and that no matter what I can take care of myself. Told her it is not her job to make sure I am happy, just as it is not my job to make her feel happy.

She thanked me for the frank conversation and then broke down. We vacationed in our summer home in WI last weekend with my family and one of my brothers with his kids. She finally had to face them all in close confines for days at a time. She felt awkward, shame, guilt, and all the rest - and deservedly so. My family has never "called her to the mat" or expressed any judgement, hate, or bad feelings towards her since DDay. She said she finally realizes it is "her fault." It is the first time since DDay that she expressed complete fault and responsibility for her A! She was sobbing for quite a while expressing she was "lost" and felt terrible that "she can't be the person I need her to be right now!" Is she finally turning the corner? Should I really take this as a great positive. Seems like she is shedding her toxic shame and self-protection and turning towards regret and remorse. Just wondering if I am reading too much into this.

81 comments posted: Monday, August 5th, 2024

Advice for reconciling relationships with Family and Friends - for both WS and BS

Looking for advice on how my WW should try and resolve the issue with my family and our best-friends. My family has already told me there is no judgement or ostracizing from them. However, She has been isolated from our friends, not only due to her A, but her actions (or lack thereof) after Dday. For a better part of a month her friends had tried to reach out to her to talk, to make sure she was okay, to make sure she wasn't "going off the rails." She never answered them and in kind, they gave up and stopped communication. I know for a fact that they want to reestablish a relationship with her. It will be tenuous, difficult, and awkward. I see it as a need for her healing and a major keystone in R for us moving forward.

Advice from both sides welcomed!

8 comments posted: Thursday, July 18th, 2024

Am I right to be selfish? Am I right to stop protecting my WW from my feelings?

Hello all. So we are about 3 months out of Dday 1. The scene has been getting better. Communication has been improved somewhat. Life has stabilized a bit.

But now, I am dealing with my WW's triggers as well as my own. This past weekend - while she was withdrawn b/c of her trigger - I was getting anxious and pissed b/c of my own stuff as well. Having her withdrawn was compounding my flooding. So to remove myself from the situation I went and got myself an ice cream cone. I didn't ask her, I didn't bring our kids - I just needed to do something for myself and by myself.

Yesterday - the same crap happened. And on top of that she was being somewhat passive-aggressive. So again, me being frustrated, aggravated, and dealing with my own stuff - I removed myself again from the situation. Told her I was leaving to run an "errand". A half-truth as I went to the drug store to get some foot medicine and went to work (down the block) so I could have space to journal without her or the boys around. Well - it pissed her off. Do I really care? No.

Am I justified for doing what I need? I could have said out loud - "I need to go cope with my trauma that you wrought on me," but I didn't. I just quietly left for 30 minutes to an hour. I don't feel like I have to ask for permission to go take care of myself!

We have weekly Monday afternoon meetings at a park or neutral location to talk about the affair and our marriage. Most of the time it is centered on her feelings. I'm done with that crap. It's time for her to stop projecting her shame and guilt on me and make space for my trauma and feelings. I don't care if she has the capacity to deal with it - but it needs to start being said. Maybe she will finally develop some accountability and empathy.

The bulk of my statements today will be that I don't have to ask permission as a grown 46 year-old adult if I can take care of myself in a way that I find necessary. My choices are my choices - and as long as they don't hurt my kids, her, or anyone else - who should care? Choices have consequences - I am going to tell her to rethink her choices over the last year.

I'm done holding space for her BS and not getting reciprocation! I am the one that was cheated on! I was the one that is traumatized! My choices are coming from empowerment now - where her's is from a place of brokenness, shame, and self-pity! How else to I make her aware of this?

Sorry - had to vent in a safe spot. Need to know I'm not cuckoo!

31 comments posted: Tuesday, July 9th, 2024

Done with the lies and infidelity - Just filed for divorce

Haven't been able to post in a while, but 5/28 became my Dday 2. Found out that the "four month" A was actually a year-long A. She also has been communicating and has met the OM. I explained to my STBXWW that I would not tolerate a break in NC, or tolerate dishonesty from going forward. Well, she crossed both hard boundaries. She has had no real consequences from her actions and betrayal - other than a strained relationship with our best friends (who have been reaching out to her for concern of her mental health). Can't do it anymore. It's time to focus on my 3 beautiful Sons that she put in jeopardy, myself, and my business. She has no idea that this is in process now, nor does she think I have the faculties to stand-up and protect myself. I will no longer be a human doormat for this evil, dishonest, ego-kibble eating, self-serving, selfish woman. I can't let our shared history dictate My future, or that of my Sons. It will be a brutal few years for my Boys and I, but will prevent further anguish and pain for all of us down the road. Time for her to get her reality!

26 comments posted: Sunday, June 2nd, 2024

V A R settings

Hi folks. Have a VAR and can't seem to get it to record by voice activation. Settings are between 1 and 7. 7 being it picks up the lowest decibel possible. I set it at 5 and found a nice little spot in the corner of her purse. The only barrier is the leather - it should pick up noise no? Any help would be greatly appreciated - if I can get it in her purse I can see what she really is up to during the day. A woman never leaves without her purse!

12 comments posted: Wednesday, May 22nd, 2024

Suggestion for online help tools? Hypnotherapy/Meditation

Was wondering if anyone had any recommendations for meditation instructions or hypnotherapy sessions (audio or video) that helps with soothing our feelings as BS? I've read a half dozen books already and have listened to podcasts on affairhealing . com . Looking for material that directly relates with the BS, not the feelings and thoughts of the WS. Even any articles that may exist online that have helped you. Any "go-tos" for you are welcomed. Thank you!

4 comments posted: Tuesday, May 21st, 2024

1 Month past Dday

Anyone else 1 month after Dday, or around the same time? Just want to compare and contrast experiences and insights.

14 comments posted: Sunday, May 19th, 2024

How's your day going? wtf!

Do you love it when your WS texts or ask how your day is? We aren't even a month out from DDay. What the hell type of answer is she thinking I'm gonna give. Regularly I say "I'm Fine". That has been her hallmark passive, aggressive response all these years. Followed by the cold shoulder for the rest of the day.

6 comments posted: Thursday, May 16th, 2024

Spoofing - need questions - maybe just paranoid

Alright folks, making sure I am not crazy. My wife has a contact, who is also a co-worker, but when I look up the phone number it does not match his name to the number. Also, the number does not show up on my phone bill/records. Is it possible spoofing by the AP? The name has the intials of DC - the AP's name is Dave, maybe paranoid but it could be "Dave's Cell" hidden in plain sight. Any help would be greatly appreciated - about to lose my mind!

2 comments posted: Monday, May 13th, 2024

Is her backstory just a way to validate her infidelity

So my WW and I are about 3 weeks out from DDay. I gave her an opportunity to explain her feelings at the moment. And it went into past conflicts and perceived injustices by me to her. For background information, I have had a hard time sticking up for myself - especially my business partners who are also my Father and Brother. We recently moved our business to a new enterprise. Our dream gig and a very lucrative location and established clientele. Well the first year (first year at the new business). I fell into the same routine where I would work 60 to 70 hour weeks and was getting compensated the same as my brother. My brother shows up about 20 to 30 hours a week. I am "the" guy with the staff and the customers. It is stressful, I did take on that responsibility by myself. I waited until we had a full year under us so I could evaluate the business's financial situation. Then I asserted my position for a much larger compensation package.

My wife told me tonight she detached from me emotionally in January, the same time I received my new package. Saying I didn't keep my promise to stick up for myself, and I took too long to do so.

Another underlying conflict is house chores. I have always felt I did the brunt of the labor. A typical day for me would be to drop of one of our 3 sons and head to work. I would frantically get 8 hours of work done in 5 hours so I could pick up our 2 younger sons, and sometimes all 3. It would then be followed with going to the grocery store or an errand, and then some laundry or cleaning before I prepped and cooked dinner. Some nights I would hit the "cycle", purchase, prep, cook, and clean-up dinner. There are times I would rush in sweaty after cutting the grass or doing yard work to prep dinner and get it cooking while finishing up the task and hitting the shower before our meal. Sometimes I didn't even get help setting the damn table or pouring the dinner beverages! There'd also be nights were I would hastily eat, and then return to work for a few more hours. I felt like everyday I was giving everything I had to my family and my business. Now my wife does do tasks as well, and she would take the morning ritual of getting them ready for school. Maybe the resentment on this topic is we didn't thank each other enough, or express the hard work in many ways. And to be honest, I would be sexually or physically frustrated that I would go above and beyond to hopefully "get lucky." There were many nights I would have to beg for intimacy.

Her bringing up these conflicts felt like she was using it to validate her detachment from me and beginning a courting phase with her future AP. I listened and stuck up for myself. Some of it was small stuff, and things I never knew bothered her. And I asked her if it was that bad why didn't she ask for counselling or give me an ultimatum. We are trying to work on a new relationship heading toward R. But, am I right to think she is still lying to herself what the more underlying issues were. My thoughts were being on the foothills of menopause and bored by our crazy but comfortable schedule. But she brings this shit up every time we try to talk about past issues. Am I crazy, is she crazy, or both? I know I have a fair amount of the blame for our relationship before the A. But I ended the night saying - "This is still not an excuse for what you did." Her retort was "I know, I am the bad guy like always." Is she still in the fog? Just mad and confused right now. I told her from the beginning that I will not take a single percentage of fault for her A.

Thanks for reading - had to vent for my sanity.

WW - 45 YO
Me BH - 46 YO
M - 20 Years
Dated 10 Years prior to M - High school sweethearts.

58 comments posted: Sunday, May 12th, 2024

The 180 with children in the house. Any advice?

I have started to follow the 180. But there is not a lot of information I have been able to find regarding children in the house. Any advice or experiences would be great.

11 comments posted: Saturday, May 4th, 2024

D Day 2 weeks ago today - 1st post

First thank you for welcoming to this wonderful space.

I found out 2 weeks ago on April 17th - our 20th wedding anniversary - that my Wife had been having an emotional and sexual A. The months prior I had noticed that she was distant, cold, not talkative, kinda "going through the motions". Days prior I tried to get into her phone (Iphone) but could not get in. On the evening of our wedding anniversary she left her phone open by the kitchen sink while she was getting ready. I looked at the phone, and well enough, the text thread with AP was right on top!

What I could see through the blur of tears and "red" were intimate details of our marriage and sex life. My wife expressed that she wanted "more" out of their relationship. She expressed that she was not a "compliant wife" anymore, meaning she told him I wasn't getting intimate attention that night. Hearing her come down the stairs I kept the thread at one of the "juicy" spots. She grabbed her phone and went upstairs. My dumbass still brought her to dinner. On the way she was the most talkative and congenial she had been in months. We did dinner, we went to our favorite spot after for a night-cap, I stayed sober, I got her tipsy. After we left our favorite spot She said she was interested in one more. So we went to the bar next door. When she went to the washroom I took her phone out of her purse and hid it in my pocket.

Thinking she left her phone at the previous bar, I offered to go retrieve. Asked for her passcode in case they needed proof it belonged to us. She gave it up - and I went outside to check her texts. She deleted the whole thread. Bingo! I knew I wasn't crazy,she was guilty. So calmly I went into the bar and told her it was time to go. Paid the tab and walked her to the car. On the way home (a few blocks away) I asked her who "Dave" was? Her response - are we going to do this right now? WTF! Spewing emotions and disgust I drove her home. Opened the garage, took my keys and left.

We have 3 kids at home and I didn't want this mess to take place in our living room. Especially since both of us had been consuming alcohol.

Some more background - we were high school sweethearts and had dated for 10 years prior to being married. We have 3 beautiful, good boys. Her AP ends up being a co-worker. He is also a former instructor, and possibly future instructor of my oldest Son.

Of course the next 8 hours consisted of blame-shifting for the affair. Even her Mom called and said "are you going to throw everything away over this"? The fing nerve!

Not to make it too worthy, but I came back home 3 days after DDay. I didn't have to worry about throwing up, ugly crying, and rage screaming. Through our conversations it started - supposedly at the beginning of February. During that time they engaged in sexual activities 3 times.

My days are now trying to piece together the timeline - which she hasn't completely given me. I'm finding daily evidence that it started earlier. That the flirting took place through the holidays, on 2 of my Son's Birthdays (when I was next to her), and other celebrations. The trickle truth is driving me mad!

However, I am practicing self-love. I am not to blame for her choices. Her conscience choices to betray and lie to me over the length of the A. I am meditating, I quit drinking, I'm working-out everyday, and trying to have full meals. Still can't sleep more than 4 hours with waking up in despair. Still can't finish a meal.

More to come. Need to vent. Thank you.

12 comments posted: Thursday, May 2nd, 2024