SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

First thank you for welcoming to this wonderful space.

I found out 2 weeks ago on April 17th - our 20th wedding anniversary - that my Wife had been having an emotional and sexual A. The months prior I had noticed that she was distant, cold, not talkative, kinda "going through the motions". Days prior I tried to get into her phone (Iphone) but could not get in. On the evening of our wedding anniversary she left her phone open by the kitchen sink while she was getting ready. I looked at the phone, and well enough, the text thread with AP was right on top!

What I could see through the blur of tears and "red" were intimate details of our marriage and sex life. My wife expressed that she wanted "more" out of their relationship. She expressed that she was not a "compliant wife" anymore, meaning she told him I wasn't getting intimate attention that night. Hearing her come down the stairs I kept the thread at one of the "juicy" spots. She grabbed her phone and went upstairs. My dumbass still brought her to dinner. On the way she was the most talkative and congenial she had been in months. We did dinner, we went to our favorite spot after for a night-cap, I stayed sober, I got her tipsy. After we left our favorite spot She said she was interested in one more. So we went to the bar next door. When she went to the washroom I took her phone out of her purse and hid it in my pocket.

Thinking she left her phone at the previous bar, I offered to go retrieve. Asked for her passcode in case they needed proof it belonged to us. She gave it up - and I went outside to check her texts. She deleted the whole thread. Bingo! I knew I wasn't crazy,she was guilty. So calmly I went into the bar and told her it was time to go. Paid the tab and walked her to the car. On the way home (a few blocks away) I asked her who "Dave" was? Her response - are we going to do this right now? WTF! Spewing emotions and disgust I drove her home. Opened the garage, took my keys and left.

We have 3 kids at home and I didn't want this mess to take place in our living room. Especially since both of us had been consuming alcohol.

Some more background - we were high school sweethearts and had dated for 10 years prior to being married. We have 3 beautiful, good boys. Her AP ends up being a co-worker. He is also a former instructor, and possibly future instructor of my oldest Son.

Of course the next 8 hours consisted of blame-shifting for the affair. Even her Mom called and said "are you going to throw everything away over this"? The fing nerve!

Not to make it too worthy, but I came back home 3 days after DDay. I didn't have to worry about throwing up, ugly crying, and rage screaming. Through our conversations it started - supposedly at the beginning of February. During that time they engaged in sexual activities 3 times.

My days are now trying to piece together the timeline - which she hasn't completely given me. I'm finding daily evidence that it started earlier. That the flirting took place through the holidays, on 2 of my Son's Birthdays (when I was next to her), and other celebrations. The trickle truth is driving me mad!

However, I am practicing self-love. I am not to blame for her choices. Her conscience choices to betray and lie to me over the length of the A. I am meditating, I quit drinking, I'm working-out everyday, and trying to have full meals. Still can't sleep more than 4 hours with waking up in despair. Still can't finish a meal.

More to come. Need to vent. Thank you.

I am so sorry you’re here.
I’m 7 months past d day and I can tell you that the trickle truth was by far the worst.
I am very happy you’re practicing such self love , you deserve that and should be focusing on yourself! You’re right it isn’t your fault at all and the fact her family is even saying there "you’re throwing this away" has me floored. YOU DIDNT throw anything away , she did.
Once again I don’t have much advice because my H was a lot like your wife and it took months to ever get the truth and now I’m in counseling because of it. It has helped tremendously, it could help you too.
with the advice of great people here he came out with the truth and I practiced a lot of things in the just found out library on the main page.
I hope things get better for you soon!

Welcome to SI, the best club nobody wants to join. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum and some with bull's eye icons that we encourage new members to read. The Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.
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You both will want to be tested for STDs/STIs because you don't want to have another little reminder of the A (affair). If you're having trouble sleeping or with depression, please talk to your doctor about some meds. If you're having trouble eating, keep trying but supplement with protein shakes if needed.

IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist can be very helpful. Bonus points if they have infidelity as a specialty, too. Your WW (wayward wife) needs IC to dig into her whys. MC (marriage counseling) can come later, but isn't generally recommended right away. Your M didn't cheat, your WW did. And MCs are to treat the relationship and can do some blameshifting, too.

I'm glad you realize that the choice to have an A is 100% her choice. If she was having problems with her life, you, the M, she had lots of other choices but her decision was to cheat. It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is forgetting to grab a gallon of milk at the store. An A takes so many conscious decisions to lie, cheat and betray.

Please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse) if the AP is married. They deserve to know the truth to enable them to make informed life decisions with the truth. Telling them gives the OBS their agency back.

Your WW should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald. Another good read is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

She should go NC (no contact) with her AP (affair partner). In fact, she should look for another job. A timeline with dates, activities, thoughts and feelings. Full electronic transparency with access to devices and passwords.

You don't need to settle for her nonsense. She doesn't sound like she regrets the affair at all. Almost certainly it started way before you are told, and that they had relations far more than she admitted. You need to ask for a detailed timeline and also detach and further practice the 180. Put divorce on the table right now. Don't be a doormat, she betrayed you and her kids. She has to earn back any thought of reconciliation but it is way too early for that. I would visit the best lawyer in town ASAP to figure out your options.

If your user name identifies you too closely you might contact the mods about changing it.

One of the biggest problems that newly betrayed have, is to try and take control of the wayward.

The BS usually demands for answers from the WS, and this puts the balance of power into the hands of the WS, as the WS can take their time to answer the questions from the BS. In the meantime, the BS waits and waits for the answers to their burning questions.

The initial answers from the WS have a 99.999% chance that the answers are lies (in any form, be it an outright, white, deflection, by omission, etc). The BS may or may not accept the answer, but the WS still holds onto the power, as they can bide their time, as there are no consequences for them to answer in a timely manner or not, and whether it is the truth or not.

So, you might ask, 'So what can I do about this? I want answers.'. The answer, in its simplest form, is to walk away.

This would be a consequence to the WS that is palpable. Walking away will also let the BS calm themselves and gain clarity by getting a physical separation from the WS. Minimal to no contact will help the BS gain control of themselves after being betrayed.

This helps redress the power imbalance, as the WS now has consequences. The WS reaction will also indicate to the BS what their future would be like. If the WS caves and is remorseful, accepts responsibility, and is willing to accept boundaries (amongst other things) R is a strong possibility (not a surety). Any other behaviour will lean towards the path of D.

TLDR; you must be ready to let go of the M to save it.

Very sorry you find yourself here. What a way to mark your 20th, now forever known as Dday. What shyt.

Your head may be spinning now and, if so, its understandable. As you begin the work of sorting yourself out and determining what you want, I encourage you to up your level of self care by an order of magnitude. Therapy, exercise, good nutrition and rest, connecting with trusted & loyal family and friends, spending time with past times and hobbies will all play there part to help right the ship of your life.

As others have said, resist the urge to go into fixit/control mode. Its reflexive but it can wear you down even further, especially when dealing with a cheating spouse who is far from remorse. Back away and give yourself time and space to work through the marital treason. Read about the 180 (I wish I had known about this back in the day).

Take care of you.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 5:49 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

I have a methodology that has been successful for many in dealing with comparable situations like you are in...
First of all: What is it you fear the most from what you discovered? Is that losing your wife? Turns out that for many men, that is what they see as the worst outcome – that their wife leaves with OM and their marriage ends in a burning wreck. Well... If THAT is your greatest fear then I suggest you allow your wife to have her affair. Learn how to turn a blind eye when she says she’s going "out" and take regular STD tests. Statistically infidelity-based relationships seldom last more than 18 months, so odds are you only have a year and a half left...
If that doesn’t sound too good...
What is it you fear the most?

I think the absolute worst outcome might be thinking things were OK, maybe even doing all the work to reconcile, to communicate, to be more attentive and all that... and then maybe 8 months from now discovering she’s still seeing OM.
SHARING your wife is definitely worse than LOSING her!

I also get that a 20 year marriage and three kids is something you would want to save. Only keep in mind that our collective experience here has strongly supported a number of behaviors. I don’t call them facts because there are few absolutes in human behavior:
A marriage can only reconcile if the truth is on the table. Like – if your wife was seeing him for 5 months and they had sex 273 times then the three-months-three-times will come back to haunt you both. Knowing NOW that it was 273 times will do less damage than learning 3-4 months from now that it was 5 times and not 3. YOU NEED THE ABSOLUTE TRUTH TO RECONCILE.

The affair is totally 100% on her. Your lack of attention or affection or whatever is NEVER going to explain or justify her decision to have an affair. If the marriage was lacking then it’s up to her to point it out and demand change. That change could be divorce, but NEVER another lover.
I venture that in 99% of instances the affair is about validation. A low self-worth. A false need for some verification. We all need verification, but while you might get yours through a pay-raise for a good job or by waxing your brand-new paid for Mustang she got it through the courting and desire of another man. This is why IC is a must for her.

Part of the truth is knowing who OM is, and if he’s married. If married you tell his wife – without any warning to OM or your wife. Our experience suggests that if you don’t do this then within six months there is something like a 70% chance the OM will be sniffing around again. Fishing for a chance to learn how you reacted and what you did. Since you haven’t told his wife he’s willing to risk it to get some tail. There is a 50% chance that your wife will fall for it... Maybe only to have a coffee to get closure, but that closure tends to end with both along in a car doing weird stuff...
At the same time in about 90% of instances where the OM wife is told, the OM closes 100% on the WW. Being turned down by the White Prince of her fantasy tends to be a real mood-killer.

With all this in mind then this is what I suggest:
Tell your wife she’s free to go be with OM.
Tell her that if you are so impossible, unimaginative, unatentive, uninteresting or whatever made her decide she had to go find happiness with another man then that’ fine. It’s not what you wanted, now how you envisioned your life, but it beats being there because she feels she has no options. You love her too much to want to hold back on her happiness and to keep her chained. You sett her free. Only... not as your wife.
Tell her that you absolve her of any expectations you could expect as her husband. Ask that she be considerate and maybe not date OM too blatantly and definitely keep him out of the house. But she can go be with him, spend time with him, sleep over... whatever. You no longer have any expectations of her as your wife.
This is not what you want, but it beats sharing her or having to experience that she wants to be elsewhere.

Let her know that there is a fair process to dissolve a marriage. You won’t make it harder than it need be. It will definitely impact your lives, and the lives of the kids, but it beats having them live in what is essentially a gilded prison. The kids or finances are NOT a valid or good reason to remain married. Neither were there when you committed to each other.

Tell her that if this is not what she wants she needs to let you know very clearly that she wants this marriage. She also needs to know there are some requirements she needs to meet: Total accountability, a verifiable truth, a commitment to IC and later on MC (to name a few).

Let her know that you will start the process, and suggest she educate herself on how best to go through this. Tell her a priority will be to let the kids know, but that can wait until you have decided on how and when you will finalize the broad details.

Then go make a sandwich. Watch TV. Whatever. You have said you piece and are content because YOU are getting out of infidelity. You aren’t feeding her romance by chasing after her, you aren’t accepting having "forced" her to cheat, nor having removed her "eternal soul-mate" from her life. Once she has the freedom... they tend to realize that what they thought they wanted isn’t what they want.
If she wants to talk about relationship issues: I’m sorry but this isn’t relevant. We are only husband and wife in name and we are working at getting out of that. If we were working on the marriage this might be something to look into, but while you are committed to your infidelity there isn’t any need.
Yes – You ARE committed to your infidelity while you don’t tell me you want us, and while you keep secrets from me, showing you are thinking more of yourself and him than us.

Friend – the above sounds harsh... but I have had the same approach for several years, and over those years I have gotten feedback from many that have followed the advice and have managed to move on out from infidelity. Most through reconciliation, but many by eventual divorce. What the later group tends to agree on is that it was inevitable, not necessarily because they wanted it but because the WS really had no intention to stop. In both cases – R or D – it beats being where you are right now.

Don’t have sex with her after you discover the affair. It legally "condones" it, meaning your chance at getting an at fault divorce (and maybe not paying alimony) in the few states that allow this will be gone.

I know this sounds weird, but don’t do it. Emotions get weird. If you haven’t yet, don’t have sex with her until AFTER you visit the attorney. It will affect your divorce and decrease your options.

Sorry you’re going through this. She’s a piece of work.

No one deserves this, and I absolutely guarantee she will try to convince you that this is your fault.

It isn’t. No matter what. No one deserves this. Even if you abused her, even if you’re a cold fish. You were in the same marriage and did t cheat. Stay strong. She will make you feel crazy.

[This message edited by 3yrsout at 7:55 PM, Thursday, May 2nd]

At dday2 after Learning the affair had resumed for a few months while I thought we were reconciling, I’d had enough.

I told my H he free to be with the other woman. Suddenly he’s no longer interested. 😳

A few hours before he told me he was D me to be with her. Funny how when the affair comes to light all the cockroaches go scurrying lol.

Her AP ends up being a co-worker. He is also a former instructor, and possibly future instructor of my oldest Son

You seem to know this man... does he have a significant other?

If he has a significant other, then I suggest you follow Bigger's advice and let his significant other know what he is doing. Do not, I repeat, do not let your wife or him know you are going to let her know in advance. If you should happen to let them know beforehand then they will tell her all sorts of stuff... like you are a paranoid so and so, you are abusive to your wife, etc.

I see you posted in the General forum on use of the 180 with children in the house. When you read the 33 points of the 180, you will see they tell you to always keep up a cheerful front regardless of how you are feeling. If you remain positive and cheerful, especially when the children are around, the difficulties between you and your wife will not affect them as much as if you were mean to each other.

Please remember that there is only one person on this earth you have control over... that is You. You can't control any other person short of threatening their life with a gun or other force. Do not let your wife see how much this is hurting you. Right now she doesn't care one bit about you or your feelings.

Indifference is a Powerful Tool. Act indifferent around her as long as she is still in her affair mind. Whenever she decides that being married to you and acting as your wife is what she wants more than anything, then and only then should you begin discussing whatever you two need to discuss. If you try to discuss her affair or reconciliation with her while she is still in her wayward mindset, then you will be just as effective as going outside and having a conversation with the wind.

Good luck to you.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:43 PM, Monday, May 6th]

I missed that nugget of OM being a co-worker...

Is your wife still working with him?
Is he in any way her superior at work – as supervisor or manager (direct or indirect)?

This statement I made earlier:

Our experience suggests that if you don’t do this then within six months there is something like a 70% chance the OM will be sniffing around again. Fishing for a chance to learn how you reacted and what you did. Since you haven’t told his wife he’s willing to risk it to get some tail. There is a 50% chance that your wife will fall for it... Maybe only to have a coffee to get closure, but that closure tends to end with both along in a car doing weird stuff...

Is less valid if he’s a coworker and they are in regular contact. The 70% goes up to 99%, and the 50% chance of her succumbing will go up to 90%. In other words: It’s near-inevitable that they will start the affair again. It’s only a question of how far and how deep it will be. It could be emotional, but it could also return to physical.
Another major factor that experience on this site has shown us: Your concerns that they are still in contact will prevent YOU from being able to reconcile. She comes home late and you will be wondering – was she doing the accounts or talking to OM? Work-place events... are you going to attend and smile and nod your head while OM is talking?

Friend – I KNOW I sound pessimistic. In fact, very many on this site think I tend to be too optimistic simply because I truly believe couples CAN reconcile. But I have never said it is easy, and I do believe a lot of ground-work needs to be done simply to have a chance at reconciling. One of those basics IMHO is that they don’t work together.

You read your wife's messages with the man,

Didn't you meet with a lawyer?

You didn't want her to write the timeline, right?

Didn't you inform the co-worker's partner?

Did you ask who knew about the relationship?

In the words of someone who lied to you for months; you are waiting for them to end the emotional/physical relationship they had at work,

this is not r and

You don't have anything suitable for r

You're only hurting yourself right now,

You must report your wife's affair to work, otherwise you will become someone who supports the affair