SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have a hard time with this one...especially here on SI.

It is often stated here that a revenge affair is still an affair.

YET...

It is also often stated here that wayward spouses who have affairs are victims of their own brokenness.

There is nothing that causes a person to be broken like being a betrayed spouse.
A betrayed spouse, due to the actions of their wayward spouses, suffer from ALL the typical reasons that Waywards give:

Low self esteem,
Need for external validation
desperate for affection
feelings of being alone
fear of abandonment etc.

On top of that, the BS may have FOO issues as well. Also if they haven't previously suffered from abuse, they have now because having an affair and betraying your spouse is a form of ABUSE.

ALL the factors that waywards say made them "vulnerable" to an affair can now be applied to the betrayed....placed on them by the person who was supposed to care for them.

If the parameters of an affair are about brokenness, and the BS is now broken, is it really a revenge affair or is it a broken person having an affair?

Tray Dee,

I know what you are saying. I don’t call my husbands affair a revenge affair. I don’t think he did it to get back at me. Though I don’t dispel there might have been elements of that, but predominantly, I don’t think that is why the affair happened.

Still, an affair is wrong for anyone to have. No one gets amnesty. My husband had a lot of the same consequences that I did. Both with the marriage and within himself.

An affair is permanent damage. Not just to the bs or the marriage but to the ws themselves. My husband now understands that. I think in SI world revenge a lot of times indicates subsequent affair, and that we would caution against them like we would any affair. A ws is a ws, even if they were a be first. Because at the end of the day the affair fixed nothing in me, it made my life significantly worse. And the same is true for a bs who cheats. It’s not a recommended solution for anyone. l because it solves nothing.

Your post reads a little like a ws gets off the hook for being broken. I think that’s universally not true for any ws even if they were a bs first.

[This message edited by hikingout at 3:44 PM, Friday, March 29th]

Hikingout,

Your post reads a little like a ws gets off the hook for being broken. I think that’s universally not true for any ws even if they were a bs first.

This was not my intention....

Moreso to say that the WS through their actions, CREATE the same conditions in their own BS that caused them to spiral into the hell of infidelity.

I feel this is an often overlooked aspect of an affair.

Not only is a BS tasked with healing from their WS destruction, they are also charged with NOT allowing the mentality that took hold of the WS to overcome them as well. They have to protect themselves, their mental health, their integrity, and do it all while on the biggest emotional roller coaster of their lives.

It is a Herculean task.

I agree with you.

It was wrong when I did it, it was wrong when he did it. Brokenness doesn’t excuse cheating. And a subsequent affair is not always a revenge affair

Atomic_mess,
May I be so bold as to inquire what brought you to SI and what you hope gain from your experience here?

So as not to T/J, I'm just confused because you've pointed out that you have no experience being betrayed and the topic of a revenge affair would apply specifically to one who has been betrayed.

What distinguishes a revenge affair from accepting the reality that one's wayward partner has moved on and the betrayed person does the same?

I've always been a little unclear with this. I understand if the betrayed person solely and purposely seeks to get even by engaging in activity to hurt the wayward person or to soothe their aching heart. This is easy to see as a reaction to manipulate one's own mind or the mind of their wayward partner.

However, if a betrayed spouse/fiance/significant other accepts the reality (the waywards actions clearly indicates a desire to continue with the affair) of real or unreal feelings of their wayward partner and begins taking action to find a replacement partner to date, would this be considered revenge cheating or cheating at all?

Aside from the betrayed person blantantly and knowingly seeking revenge, is it cheating for a betrayed married person seeking a new steady partner to date and engage in sex while separated and awaiting divorce? If it is considered cheating, is it because of sexual intimacy?

In the same scenario directly above, would it be considered cheating if the WS changes their mind and seeks to reconcile?

I didn’t need to have a revenge affair. Just having a few situations where men were hitting on me (in front of my H) was enough to worry him.

And that’s all I needed.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:30 AM, Thursday, April 4th]

is it cheating for a betrayed married person seeking a new steady partner to date and engage in sex while separated and awaiting divorce? If it is considered cheating, is it because of sexual intimacy?

In my opinion, not speaking for anyone but myself, there has to be a commitment to be together monogamously for cheating to occur.

Once a partner commits explicitly to splitting, I don't see cheating - but that requires honest, explicit, and essentially total commitment to D.

IOW, I don't accept the excuse that the WS's A ended the M, so the BS is free to do whatever they like.To be free, the partner needs to do some of the following: tell the other partner that the relationship is ending (if only by having a process server serve D papers); file for D; move out; separate. A partner isn't free - IMO - unless the partner has given strong evidence that they won't turn back.

Jorge,

I think the key difference is agency. Me, personally I believe that since I am married despite my WW affair, it is still off limits for me.

That being said, I do know of a few cases where BS got a hall pass or something similar and were able to R down the line. The difference was, they let their WS know and gave them a choice. I feel, if it is set as a condition to R and WS agrees to it, then best of luck and I wouldn’t call that an affair. I again don’t personally agree with it, and often times it causes way more harm than good. The key difference is that WS/BS have choices and agency with this. Affairs steal that from the BS, and that to me is one of the greatest crimes. If i had known my WW was having a full A it would have changed so many things.

I feel the same as HellIsNotHalfFull. It depends.

Struggled a bit with this thought too, if I meet someone during the D, before it is finalized and decide to start dating, will it be an A? Not as a revenge but as a new chance.

Despite I suspect WW is meeting someone new or one of her former AP's, it feels off limits to me. Like if I date before D is finalized I will be no better than her. (Not judging anyone btw, just myself)

Can imagine things are different if both agree as it's over anyways dating is allowed.

My WW will not admit if she is seeing someone now, as it's not accepted within our community.

Guess it all depends on what both agree on and what is socially accepted.

[This message edited by KindnessHasALimit at 9:37 AM, Wednesday, April 17th]

"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" Gandhi.