SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Let me guess... your wife showed up at an event/activity that she knew OM would attend or was likely to attend?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 4:54 PM, Friday, March 15th]

Seriously considering D is a step forward, IMO. You're seeing a new option in a new and more accurate way. That's a win.

We all need to adjust the plan to keep what we actually do in accord with the evidence we see. Given the mass of evidence we have to sift through to come to a conclusion, maybe our vocabulary should exclude all terms than mean 'indecision.'

That's never been you, Ink. You've been reasoned, compassionate, and supportive in meeting people where they are and encouraging them to use their own agency to respond to their own specific circumstances. You've never gone after anyone with an agenda to use them for your own catharsis. The only reason I'd be upset to see you waffling is if it prolonged your suffering. No matter how hard you listen, you won't hear me silently judging the time you take to be sure of what's right for you.

BSR,
These words really touch me. We haven’t directly interacted much, but I’ve admired you from even before my D-day (strangely enough). With what you’ve recently described, I imagine you beginning to move on in your journey like Gandalf and Frodo sailing off with the elves. This internet stranger wishes you peace, health, and joy, and the less you are here the more you will be missed.

she just pulled the equivalent of a recovering alcoholic going to a bar, pulling up a stool and asking to smell the bottle of Jack. And I don’t think she fucking even sees it and still sees me being upset about it as more important than her act of betrayal and disloyalty.

What did she do?

Let me guess... your wife showed up at an event/activity that she knew OM would attend or was likely to attend?

Not quite. Long story short, she put herself knowingly and intentionally into a situation where she was interacting with a man that
A) she knew from childhood (like POSOM)
B) she knew liked her (like POSOM)
C) she knew he has cheated
D) he has done her favors

She approaches this guy, a mechanic, for advice on selling the car that she is just now acting on (previously mentioned). Why the fuck she decides that this dirtbag is who she needs to get input from is beyond me. (She has literally warned me about this guy in the last year and said she wanted to stay away from him. Until she didn’t.) Long story short, in like no time flat, she’s disclosing our marriage struggles to this asshat, he’s saying "aw, I thought that might be it, my marriage is hard to, maybe we could just be friends". She cuts it off and tells me, but fuck, the days of amnesty are long over. And on top of that, giving her a chance to explain herself, I have a firm voice and she won’t talk until I "calm down". This is insanity. There is absolutely no good explanation for this, but no explanation is the worst. Just can’t do it anymore.

We haven’t directly interacted much

To the extent that I'm still active here -- which ebbs and flows -- I try to spend my time on threads that don't get as much traffic or where I have something specific to offer. Fortunately or unfortunately, your situation is typical enough that plenty of members have opinions to share. Of course, I get curious like anyone else about the busy threads, so every once in a while, I poke my nose in.

Time To Ripppp The Bandage Off!

(I figured the moment called for yet another sensitive thoughtful nuanced post from WBFA...)

<shaking my head with disgust>

Not to make light of your situation, InkHulk, but your wife is like a character in Loony Toons. She drops the anvil on your head and then runs away before you even have a chance to react.

So she started an EA, then changed her mind.

What a kick on the teeth.

All the supposed work she's done has been compliance.

And to shut you down,and refuse to talk about it? Cruel. Simply cruel.

I do understand the boundary of not discussing something until someone has calmed down. It’s almost a lost cause to try and explain something to my husband when he is angry because he will just keep getting progressively angrier and he will exaggerate points and no progress will be made. She knows you well enough to know you are angry even if you just started with a firm voice. However she picked a poor time to throw up that as a boundary because it was more urgent than that.

That being said the whole situation should not have happened at all. Remorse means protecting your spouse from more hurts and you had a right to be angry. I suspect some of her ending the conversation is not having any logical explanation and knowing that you were not going to accept a bullshit answer. I have to wonder at this point why she sabotages her chances.

She after all went to sell the car with new understanding that was a reasonable thing to do, why add a complexity that didn’t need to be there? It’s truly baffling. She is her own worst enemy, it’s hard to understand why. It would be interesting if she could see that and figure out what makes things work like that in her head. Was she having her own vulnerability hangover? That’s not for you to answer by the way, but knowing you were looking at ending IHS, that sounds like you were on the precipice of trying to resume reconciliation. I think there is some good digging she could do there. (Not your responsibility, just pondering a truly curious situation)

You are right to pump the breaks, in any case.

[This message edited by hikingout at 7:24 PM, Friday, March 15th]

It is just truly bizarre. She was acting to sell the car that she just became aware was hurting me, but in the act of it does something either so callous or just utterly weak and stupid. Neither is ok with me at this stage in the game. There is just no way to spin this, and her refusing to talk with me about it in a timely manner has left me to process it and come to my own conclusions. If there is something I’m missing, at this point it almost doesn’t matter. What I am experiencing in life is fucked up and must stop.

I do understand the boundary of not discussing something until someone has calmed down.

Valid, but not in this situation. I was firm, but controlled. No where near where a conversation like that should stop. This was 24 hours after initial telling. I’ve even checked my intensity levels with my IC. I get to have my emotions in this, and I get to be pissed about this shit. I’m not asking to get to spit-yell in her face, but I get to fucking be firm. Period. Like this.

All the supposed work she's done has been compliance.

I can see why you would say that and I’m 95% sure that it isn’t the case. She is horrified by what she sees in herself. I think she is far more likely to harm herself than stop therapy and just coast. I can’t explain this behavior, and it’s that utter insanity that I CAN NOT take anymore. I’ve been filling in explanations for her all this time and maybe somehow she is just missing something in her decision making. I don’t know, but it is fucking ruining my life.

I figured the moment called for yet another sensitive thoughtful nuanced post from WBFA...

Impeccable timing, as always

She has violated a boundary and it's a true slap in the face when trying to work through all of this. It sounds like she was testing the waters or fishing for some attention. You have given it hell Brother, she is just not on board.

Let me start an EA to get help selling my PA-tainted car.

What I am experiencing in life is fucked up and must stop.

They say that you know when you know...

I don't know what is more concerning--that she sought out someone like that dude to "sell her car" (is that really why she sought him out?)--or that she will not further talk to you about her horrible lapse in judgement. After all you went through for your WW and all the chances you gave. I mean, even before that her effort has not been sufficient but this on top of that is bad. Sorry Friend.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:49 PM, Friday, March 15th]

I get to have my emotions in this, and I get to be pissed about this shit. I’m not asking to get to spit-yell in her face, but I get to fucking be firm. Period. Like this. wink

Absolutely. You're allowed to be upset. It's not always about her. You matter.

How much interaction was there between her and him and how long did it go on for?

I do get that there should have been zero interaction and the lack of real time insight appalls you.

I say this in a context where I have told you that, for me, if my wife dies it again I’m out. Of course I want a better relationship too, but that’s my bottom line. It’s caused me to think about these kind of scenarios where I need to make a boundary call.

I think she is far more likely to harm herself than stop therapy and just coast. I can’t explain this behavior, and it’s that utter insanity that I CAN NOT take anymore.

Being self-destructive is what she's doing whether she realizes it or not. It's the easy way out. If she f's up bad enough you will be forced to end your marriage. Then she won't have to live in the rubble she made of it any longer. That might not be a conscious decision by her but deep down I think that's what's driving her at this point.