SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a while since I've posted, but I'm sure a lot of my story is in my profile. I'm thankful this community is here for support. Essentially, I've finally settled on divorce. Reconciliation just has not been fruitful. And this morning I caught WW with a tab open in the background of her phone that was old messages with AP, I think. She initially froze and just protected her phone when I saw the pet name for him. So I can't be 100% certain they're not current messages. Regardless, she confessed to having a hidden photo vault on her phone through an app she downloaded where she keeps their history. I didn't need to go through that. Sex videos and the whole works were in that memory box. So it really doesn't matter if the messages were current or not. That's too big a violation in and of itself when she promised me she had deleted all their stuff.

So now, what does divorce look like. Throughout the reconciliation attempt, everything has simply revolved around WW trying to get medications correct for bi polar, BPD, and maybe a couple others her psychiatrist diagnosed her with. She's been trying to get through drug recovery. It's been all about her trying to get to the root of her issues. But that's just sucked all the oxygen out of affair recovery, and it's been miserable, and honestly even before this morning I've been teetering in how long I could endure this. She sleeps ALL DAY LONG, multiple days a week. Even my daughters, aged 17 and 14, have thanked me recently because they "recognize I'm the only reason they have a life" because she's so unreliable and self centered. We also have a 12 year old son home with us, and a 19 year old out on his own (recovering from meth addiction himself, which has went well BTW and our relationship has improved dramatically).

Ww has been enrolled in an RN program, but has failed out multiple times. She does have a CNA license and has been working a few days a week doing that, but she's already been late multiple times and talking about problems at work that make me suspect this job won't last long. In a perfect world, she would finish her RN program and be working making a decent income so alimony wouldn't be as bad and there would just be more available money to make divorce and starting two new households possible. But, that's years away if she gets herself together enough to finally graduate. I don't want to endure infidelity for years and give up time of my life I could be building something new.

So that's where I'm stuck. I can't afford to divorce. And I have a friend willing to let me live in his camper in his back yard, my closest friend on Earth. That'd be free, but I'd still be responsible for the bills at home. We could try in home separation and write up the paperwork where I'd live in the basement, but that seems hellish too. And I'm certain as soon as I get that drawn up, she will drop the RN program and thus mean I'll be financially destitute trying to leave her. She just keeps repeating, "I want us, I want you" every time I try to talk through any of this. But, we've tried. She cannot give up AP or be a safe partner, and I'm tired of living like this. I can't much longer. My mental health is fading too, slipping into depression I've got to fight every single day ruminating on the adultery and having little assurance it's over. I didn't want divorce, but somethings gotta change.

And that brings my last but most important issue. Whatever I do, I'm hurting my children. If I leave, I leave them with an absent mother who sleeps all the time and won't even do her own laundry or clean up after herself or wash a single dish or make appointments for the children or be reliable as a ride from sports. And I go to a place that's too small for them to stay with me. Even after separation, I feel like I'm leaving my children who didn't ask ti be born into this with a mother who won't be able to care for herself or them. Perhaps I am enabling her. Surely I am. But the alternative has been to let everything collapse and live in disorganized mess of chaos and have children suffer. So I just handle it all. My children deserve that. I can fight for custody in the divorce, and we can all rail on here that that's right and I should get it, but we all know how unpredictable a family court is. So there's a very real chance I wind up leaving them under her care for large swaths of time in a split custody scenario. Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this? How did you cope? What were your thoughts? I appreciate any and all feedback.

I think your children are old enough to have a say in where they go? I wouldn't want to leave them in that mess :( Even with you there it's a mess for them, not a healthy environment at all.

I'm going to give a 2x4 here.
Your wife has ZERO business becoming an RN.
She is mentally I stable and has no drive to be one.
Listen you can research this on your own. Becoming an RN and RN school wether it is a diploma program or a BSN it is one of the HARDEST programs out there. It's hard for a reason. When an RN fails at work people die. The programs were even more rigorous in the past but due to PTSD and trauma awareness the programs aren't near as vicious as they were back in the day.
I have been an RN BSN since 92. I have trauma from that still. Have dreams about classes I was enrolled in and didn't know about. But also have been able to have a wonderful career and great life with my proffesion.

That said you need a better plan. Get an attorney and figure out next steps. Your current situation is unsustainable and you deserve better. Get a plan with an attorney. Find your best life.

Listen, there’s only one household you need to be concerned about, and that’s the one you live in with your children. Let WW figure out her own shit. Take care of you and the kids.

I wouldn’t hold my breath on her becoming a nurse - I see a lot of roadblocks to attaining state licensure such as mental illness and drug addiction.

Are you living in a home you own together? Renting? Divorce is as expensive or inexpensive as you make it. If she’s too busy sleeping to bother with the kids, I imagine that would spill over into divorce proceedings as well. It’s a sad thing to watch someone you love(d) spiraling down, but you’ve got to let them go down that slope on their own.

Get your badass boots out of the back of the closet, lace them up tight and take care of yourself and the kids - whatever that looks like for you. WW can go fly a kite.

Is there any leverage to use to get her to leave? Maybe frame it as a temporary separation to make it easier for her then lawyer up so there’s no way back. I know it’s brutal but you have to look out for you and your kids first.

You need to start documenting your situation. pictures. Videos. Whatever evidence you need to get custody of kids AND you remain in home.

She needs to leave the home.

You don’t need to fund her lifestyle and pay for her apartment and food and living expenses.

In terms of alimony in most states, she’s entitled to X percentage. No more. So it may be hard to see the future right now but she’s capable of working full time and that will factor into her alimony too.

Do not leave your home. Do not be the person to make that move. She needs to leave. And she needs to work.

Cut off her credit cards if you must. Start taking control of your situation. See an attorney or two or three. Know your rights.

Know what the laws are in your state when it comes to D and separation.

Let your STBXW find somewhere to go. Not you. Not your kids. Not you & kids. She caused these issues. She doesn’t get to stay home sleeping all day long.

1345Marine, I know it's overwhelming to think about, but you will get through this and it is possible to extricate yourself from this marriage without becoming destitute or abandoning your kids. It will just take you a lot of time and planning.

First, consult with a lawyer. Money might be tight, but some offer free consultations. And as expensive as a divorce might be, it may be cheaper in the long run. If you have to pay alimony, it will be a fixed percentage based on your income and other factors; the law does not require you to pay for your ex's food, lodging, and entertainment for the rest of her life. You're probably spending more money remaining married to this lazy, lying, leech than you would be if you were divorced.

Also, your kids are old enough to decide which parent they want to live with, exclusively or primarily. If your kids are living with you ≥50% of the time, you will probably have to pay little if any child support. But again, a lawyer could give you a better idea of what to expect.

Second, as The1stWife said, do not move out of your home. Depending on your jurisdiction, this could be considered abandonment and may have implications on child custody or use of the home in the future.

Third, document EVERYTHING. Write down all the chores you do and how often. Write down how often she sleeps every day, how much alcohol she drinks, etc. Write down everything that you do for the kids. This is how you can prepare yourself to get sole or primary custody.

Lastly, I'm with Tushnurse in that my jaw hit the floor at the idea of your wife, of all people, becoming an RN. She's the last person who she be allowed access to drugs and responsible for the care of vulnerable patients.

Her schooling should not factor into your decision making or planning whatsoever because there's no way that she will finish the RN program, even if you remain married. She's already flunked out multiple times and is screwing up at the little CNA gig she has now. She doesn't have the drive, motivation, resilience, or emotional stability to complete such an intensive program, let alone practice in the real world.

However, you are correct that you have been enabling her to coast by in life. Perhaps the best thing you could possibly do for her is force her to stand on her own 2 feet.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 3:35 PM, Wednesday, February 21st]

Hey Marine
Never walked this path, so I don’t have much to add. I’m sad to hear that your heroic efforts at R have been wasted by your wife. I hope you can hold your head high with the knowledge that you did all you could.

Your situation sounds difficult. I would talk to lawyers, write down budgets, really look at the numbers before you despair too much. I hope BTB might be right that maybe you WW consumes so much that you might be similar to better off once you take full control over your finances, but that is just a hope at this point.

The custody issue sounds scary. I agree with the others that the kids may well just choose to live with you.

This all sucks, but it sounds to me like you are making a very reasonable decision. I’m both sad and hopeful for you.

You're hurting your children by showing that their mother's behavior is acceptable too.

Do a real lawyer consult to get real numbers on the costs for your situation. I'm reading a lot of acting or failing to act on reaction to speculation here. Consider that your lawyer can help you navigate a divorce that costs some finite amount and support payments would be a set amount she "costs" you, whereas a person you stay married to has nearly no limit to what they can "cost" you.

Marine,

As the child of a serial adulterer who divorced, I can say with authority that their divorce--while painful--was the absolute best of all the available bad options. I can't/won't speak to the legal issues, but developmentally and personally it was a much better environment splitting up my time between them than it would have been with them together. And that takes in consideration we lived in a 500 sq ft, one bedroom apartment with almost no furniture for at least six months.

As chance would have it, I had first cousins in the opposite situation. Their father was a serial cheater and stayed "for the kids." That was decades ago and they're still recovering.

[This message edited by 1994 at 10:33 PM, Thursday, February 22nd]

Could you, through a lawyer, make it necessary to sell the house? You would split the income from it and might have to rent but you have to do something.

You cannot look after your children if your own health is in jeopardy and that included emotional. Please see a lawyer. This is for the benefit of you and your children.

Consider that your lawyer can help you navigate a divorce that costs some finite amount and support payments would be a set amount she "costs" you, whereas a person you stay married to has nearly no limit to what they can "cost" you.

.... especially when that person is a drug addict and alcoholic who can't hold down a job and has committed numerous acts of financial and sexual infidelity.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 5:11 PM, Friday, February 23rd]

Your kids are of an age where they can choose where to live. Don’t worry too much about what an aberration might be. In most scenarios you will be the primary parent. And you will be away from this toxic marriage.

See a lawyer and find out what your options truly are and what it will cost you.

In the meantime, why can't she move into the basement? Oh I'm sure she will give you a million reasons but she is not the final say in what happens in your home and with your marriage and with your children.

You tell her you want a separation. You tell her that she can stay in the marital home for now but it must be in a separate space. Then you spend a few weekends cleaning, painting, setting up her room. Get a coffee machine, a small microwave and a mini fridge.

I have no illusions that she will go quietly but I think your bitch boots need to get steel toed. Calmly, assertively, you make it happen. If you must, you tell her that the only way she gets to keep you (which she insists she wants) is to give you this space. Not negotiable. If she can't do that, you will start divorce proceedings. Those are her options.

Then see the lawyer again.

If you have proof of her mental diagnosis and drug abuse she should not be left as caregiver for the children so you could get the family home and be the main provider of the children.

You really need a lawyer and not sure if you are a marine but if so look for help from the VA for lawyers. Or Google military or veteran friendly lawyers, one main help you free or at a low cost.

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is a lot and you are so strong to have withstood as much as you already have.

And that brings my last but most important issue. Whatever I do, I'm hurting my children. If I leave, I leave them with an absent mother who sleeps all the time and won't even do her own laundry or clean up after herself or wash a single dish or make appointments for the children or be reliable as a ride from sports. And I go to a place that's too small for them to stay with me.

Why on earth should YOU leave and go to a smaller place??
Any lawyer would be able to tell you your unfaithful wife cannot take care of herself let alone the children. If anyone has to leave IT’S HER!

Your children and you need to move on with your lives.
She doesn’t need a big place if she is alone and if she sleeps all day, she just needs a bedroom, a bathroom and a kitchen.

Why are you embracing at all this insane idea your children should stay with her? They are not independent and they need to be with someone capable of looking after them, someone who can do all that is needed, a responsible adult and sober and she clearly cannot do that.

Speak to a lawyer and protect your children and yourself from her insane lifestyle.

The first thing you need to do is see a few attorneys. Listen to what they have to say and then start formulating a plan. You and your children have a beautiful life ahead of you. It's going to be rough for a while, but you will get through this. Your future ex-wife will need to either step it up when you have moved on or rely on family and friends. She will no longer be your responsibility so don't accept it. She will play helpless until she realizes you are not falling for her shenanigans anymore.

Please keep us posted. (And please don't let analysis paralysis slow you down. Your beautiful new life is waiting for you!)