My DDay was 2/2/2023. A year and a day today.
I identify strongly with what you say. My spouse of over 20 years, in a self-destructive response to depression, had a 3 year limerant affair.
Although DDay shook me to my core, I have come to understand this truth: he loved me and he cheated on me. He cheated on me, and I continue to love him even as I know some things broke in ways that will stay with us. I have come to understand the how and why of the affair. He has come to understand the impact of his affair on us,
A year out, we are still working everyday to rebuild. The affair was a wild fire that burned everything to the ground, but we found that in the face of that devastation, we still loved each other.
That doesn’t mean I am healed.
It doesn’t mean he’s done processing his shame and self-loathing at what he did. Once the limerance ended, he was left with a lot of self-hatred and horror, especially at how he vilified me to justify his own actions.
Recovery is a hard road for all of us.
Recovery within reconciliation has its own challenges— BS and WS.
It is a choice, every day, to stay together. Everyday, we have to choose this. Some days the choice is harder than others, but it has gotten easier because He is doing the work. I am doing the work. We see the marriage reforming, and it’s stronger.
But let’s be honest. Some days are better than others. Some nights, I am here, posting on this forum, because it’s still hard to heal.
Yet I don’t regret staying, and I do think we are on the path to a better marriage. I hate that it took an affair, but it made us both look differently at what it means to choose each other.
Give it time. See if the BS will do the work, and know that the journey is long, either pathway.