SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been 22 years since Dday. I haven't been here to SI in a very long time. I should have lingered more. Maybe I would have learned more. I am hoping to learn now.

I would say that *most* days the A isn't even a blip on my mind. But sometimes, like today, something will happen and I am ripped back through time to the insecurity and pain of those years. I'm still triggered, though WAY less frequently, by a song or memory.

My WS's (H) affair lasted 5 years give or take. It was both a PA and an EA with a much younger woman. Someone I considered a friend and along with her family was a major part of our social circle. We lost our church and all of our social network as a result of the affair.

We have 4 kids, adults now, kids then. We held it together for them. We refused to give up on our family, but we really didn't focus on the relationship between the two of us. It was like we packed it all into a box and never opened it. Sometimes the monsters would sneak out on their own and we would argue... fanatically and horribly but never near the kids... and then we would shove them all back in and go back to 'real life'.

Overall it's been a good life, too. We actually like each other most days. We work together full time and have for many decades now (before, during and after the affair). We are a good match really.

But I still have those days. They are usually in response to something insensitive said by WS. Something that is a consequence of my path after our painful experiences that he just can't see. Something that at its core was never healed all those years ago.

We never did counseling. We never really worked on how to fix our issues. His affair ran it's course despite me and I just hung on for the ride. I don't believe he has had another, even after all this time, and I know that the first has ended. His OW moved on herself and is happily married with tons of kids. My WS would have no problem if *I* didn't have a problem. He could just move on as if it was never a thing, and has.... except to fuss at me for my *issues* when they come up. I try not to ever bring it up and I work so hard to be a healthy participant in today not the past, but sometimes...

The kids are all married now, and have so many nice things to say about the example they thing we were to them of a good marriage (31+years together now). I can look at us from their view and see what they see. But from the inside, I still feel so broken sometimes. I want to be with my WS, but still need to repair the things that are messed up.

Is it too late? Is this just who we are now? I know we should have done SO many things differently, but is there still hope? And if so, where are earth do we start so many years later??

What now?

growingnumb

My SO performed a wandering exercise - on purpose - that went on close to two years and which I found out about maybe a month before she ended it (as she claimed)

I bottled up the hurt for almost 4 decades and then my fuse finally blew - almost ended our marriage. I started studying infidelity and all of it's parts for both wanderer and wanderee.

Best books I found were the "why" books - for me, of course, they were from women's views.

check out Michele Weiner Davis' Healing From Infidelity - for what I'm referred to - not sure what is 'out there' that tells the man's point of view.

and for my poor brain: Bessel van der Kolk - "The Body Keeps the Score" - not an easy read - but worth the work.

and 'Cheating in a Nutshell' - what infidelity does to the victim

You may also benefit from professional counseling - but be careful to find one that will help you get better in learning to live with the Merde Panini - hubby gave you - for life.

Weekends are slow here - more will post and some are really really much better than me with words.

[This message edited by Hippo16 at 2:53 AM, Sunday, January 28th]

Is it too late? Is this just who we are now?

No. Definitely not too late. In fact, there’s the possibility that only now are you truly ready to understand everything and move forward. Or at least, you know more and have seen more.

…except to fuss at me for my *issues* when they come up.

This is a key point. This has to change. My wife did similar, until I made it clear that I still had things unresolved, and that I was going to be heard. If not, I was perfectly fine with declaring success and going our separate ways. Because I was and I am. It has changed the dynamic.

You need to be in control, 100%. That’s the start point.

Dear growingnumb. I feel your words, wholeheartedly. It was 10 years this past March and I’m still battling the facts. I moved out of our home twice since then. Both times for a one year lease. Yet I go back. We’ve been together since 1977. That’s a long time … always argued, always made up and never discussed what the real issue was. Strange! Only recently I’ve come to terms with myself that his infidelity was not my fault. Although that was his excuse and he made me believe it eventually.

If you love your husband, and he loves you, I recommend a good psychiatrist… I went to see 2 different ones (H didn’t want to participate). Unfortunately neither did me good. But it may be what you both need. It may do you both good.

There are many broken souls in this world, you’re not alone, but this is your life. Sending you hugs …

I feel the same a lot of times. My SO had four one night stands 24 years ago this month. She would have had more but I found out about the affairs and her online chats working on lining up others. Our way of working through it back then was to move and just not deal with it. Not the right thing at all to do. Then starting back in 2012 she started what would become a two year affair with a married co-worker. They were family friends too. So been dealing with that for the last 10 years too. On top of it she still works at the same place and he still works there. The OP marriage ended and he married another gal that he was sleeping with at the same time he was sleeping with my wife. In fact he was doing three different women and telling them all how much he loved them. Yea he's quite a bastard.

Sadly we just really haven't talked much about it. Part of it has probably been fear in that she would just leave me and at my age being alone is scary. I left my job because I thought that was part of her driving factor because I worked a lot of hours. I regret doing that because I loved my job and after leaving I found that was also my social life as I didn't have any friends outside of work. The few that I did have are dead now so feeling alone often in that I've never really had that best friend I could talk to about anything.

It's hard to believe that after so many years it can still occupy your mind. Unlike you mentioned about it not always being there, in my case it's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thought as I got to bed. Not to mention the dreams that torture me through the night. Before I got married I had two prior relationships that ended over affairs' too, so after awhile you just begin to believe its all my fault and that's just the way life is.

Sadly I've resigned myself to believe this is going to be my life until I die.

We never did counseling.

Change that.
It's clear that after 22 years you have realized you don't particularly enjoy walking with a limp.
Get it healed.

^^^
Read what Bigger said, if you don't read anything else.

Recovery takes direct action, intent, and follow through. Think of it just like he indicates, a physical injury, which in reality it actually is but it is an injury to your brain, that you need to rehab.

Get IC and MC if you can afford it (my wife went to IC for several years and we went to MC for 4 years). If you cannot afford both, get MC.

I am coming up on DDay anniversary #14, my FWS had her affair 23 years ago. It never completely leaves you, you just manage it better or worse.

Choose to manage it better.

Sounds like the work was not done for you to heal and your WS never did the work? IE he just continued the A until it ran its course. I think what you are experiencing is very valid considering how his A was dealt with.

The folks I have read on here that went through it and came out with a much stronger M did a ton of work.

I think I would start with IC (if you haven't) first to help you and then go to MC.

Thank you all for your responses. After several days, spread out over a couple weeks, where I just dumped my repressed issues/concerns on WS, he actually seems to be beginning to hear me. We have an appointment on Wednesday to speak with a counselor. I'm not sure how it's all going to look moving forward having never really done this before, but I have some hope...along with a lot of determination to make this work.

I appreciate all the input. It is so helpful to have a space to ask and learn and heal.

Wish us luck

Hi, growingnumb. We're from the same SI pledge class. I first started in 2004, too. (I no longer had access to the email that I used to set up that account, so I made a new one.)

I'm so glad you've taken action! I'm very interested in your path and to see what happens next for you.