Courage in women is often mistaken for insanity.

22 years later. What now?

It's been 22 years since Dday. I haven't been here to SI in a very long time. I should have lingered more. Maybe I would have learned more. I am hoping to learn now.

I would say that *most* days the A isn't even a blip on my mind. But sometimes, like today, something will happen and I am ripped back through time to the insecurity and pain of those years. I'm still triggered, though WAY less frequently, by a song or memory.

My WS's (H) affair lasted 5 years give or take. It was both a PA and an EA with a much younger woman. Someone I considered a friend and along with her family was a major part of our social circle. We lost our church and all of our social network as a result of the affair.

We have 4 kids, adults now, kids then. We held it together for them. We refused to give up on our family, but we really didn't focus on the relationship between the two of us. It was like we packed it all into a box and never opened it. Sometimes the monsters would sneak out on their own and we would argue... fanatically and horribly but never near the kids... and then we would shove them all back in and go back to 'real life'.

Overall it's been a good life, too. We actually like each other most days. We work together full time and have for many decades now (before, during and after the affair). We are a good match really.

But I still have those days. They are usually in response to something insensitive said by WS. Something that is a consequence of my path after our painful experiences that he just can't see. Something that at its core was never healed all those years ago.

We never did counseling. We never really worked on how to fix our issues. His affair ran it's course despite me and I just hung on for the ride. I don't believe he has had another, even after all this time, and I know that the first has ended. His OW moved on herself and is happily married with tons of kids. My WS would have no problem if *I* didn't have a problem. He could just move on as if it was never a thing, and has.... except to fuss at me for my *issues* when they come up. I try not to ever bring it up and I work so hard to be a healthy participant in today not the past, but sometimes...

The kids are all married now, and have so many nice things to say about the example they thing we were to them of a good marriage (31+years together now). I can look at us from their view and see what they see. But from the inside, I still feel so broken sometimes. I want to be with my WS, but still need to repair the things that are messed up.

Is it too late? Is this just who we are now? I know we should have done SO many things differently, but is there still hope? And if so, where are earth do we start so many years later??

What now?

9 comments posted: Sunday, January 28th, 2024