SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Word vomit coming up. Sat here looking at the mess which is apparently called my life.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I need the spend the rest of my life going through his phone. I also know if someone really wants to cheat they'll find a way (delete messages, use more secret apps, use a secret second phone).
This is now making me think even if we divorce, will I struggle with trust in my next relationship?
WH is so popular and friendly. He is known as the "nice one" amongst his friends. They were so happy when we met saying he deserves to be with someone and be happy.
I had no idea that behind that front was someone who gets a thrill sexting other women.
A few years ago an ex fling of his got in touch with me with screenshots of their conversations. I felt like my whole world had imploded. How could this "nice" guy do this and type such dirty stuff that he's never said to me.
I thought we had worked through it. He promised it wouldnt happen again. Changed his phone number.
Then (on top of finding out he's been sexting another stranger) I discovered he was back in touch with this ex fling. Apparently she had walked into the town hall (where WH works) to register her new marriage. They swapped numbers and were messaging. Nothing sexual - just a catch up - but he didnt tell me about it. They also met up during a street party in our town, which I discovered by reading messages like "so good seeing you" etc. WH says nothing happened which I do believe because he was with some of his friends who I trust and he wouldn't risk his reputation of being nice by doing anything.
When I found all these messages the very first thing that left his mouth was "I haven't done anything". He messaged an ex fling and met up with her and kept it all from me!
After this he started IC and is still in IC. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago...I find out he's sexting a stranger he met on a chatroom...
The moment I found out he cried and contacted his therapist saying he needed an urgent appointment with her.
I am so scared! The thing is I am really far away from my friends and family. I am British and moved to Spain where I met WH. I moved to his small town where we live now..we have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. The 3 year old goes to school here and is very happy. So even if we D I am stuck in this town of his - surrounded by all memories of him.
The thing is apart from all these secrets he's so lovely..I don't understand. I also really need him at the moment as the kids are so young and a handful.
I also for some fucked up reason have a big desire to kiss and have sex with him. What the hell?!

I told my parents about what has happened. WH messaged them both a long message apologising for letting them down and saying it won't happen again. My dad replied with the following:

(WH),

Thank you for your note.

(My name) is our daughter and it obviously hurts us to see her being hurt by you agsin. Having her crying to us when she is so far from home and under your protection breaks our heart. It’s not something a husband should ever do to a loving wife and partner.

I truly hope this will be the last time as I know (my name) will not forgive you again if you do it again.

I appreciate your message (WH) and of course you are part of this family. Even the best marriages are not without their ups and downs and we all appreciate the stresses you have with (Daughter #1) and now (daughter #2). It’s at these times that you and (my name) must support each other as a loving team, not hurt each other.

(WH), as you say, you will now be judged by your future actions. I know you are a good man and look forward to you heading up our family’s Spanish division long into the future.

(My mum) and I love you like a son and look forward to seeing all four of you together as a family very soon. Nothing will be said about this so do not worry about that.

Please promise me that you will not hurt my daughter again in this way.

Looking forward to seeing you soon - you can buy me a beer!

(My dad) x

I'm just so lost. :-(
I've already felt a bit alone since having this second baby as with breastfeeding I'm a bit more restricted and can't really just go and see friends without taking her with me.
We tried couples therapy a year ago and she mainly focused on me and how I don't have a support network.
I love my husband, my heart feels like he's ripped it out and thrown it in a blender. I also love my kids and our little family life. I love our house and doing family stuff. So lost.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You have found the right place. There are so many here who truly understand what you are going through.

You're right. He's not a nice guy. He's not an honest guy. He's secretive and disloyal and non-empathethic. Multiple times.

IMO, it's time to take action. You've gone the counseling and "let's try again" route and that didn't stop him from doing what feeds his needs but hurts you.

Notably, he only scrambled for his counselor after you discovered what he'd done. He didn't scramble when he felt the urge to cheat. So, seems more like damage control than a real effort to stop.

Right now there are no choices for you without consequences, and I'm so sorry for that. If you take no dramatic action, you are likely to continue to be the phone police and will likely eventually find he's done it again (or he'll get better at hiding it). If you take action, it will be uncomfortable and scary. Maybe you ask h to stay somewhere else (with one of those good friends you trust?). Maybe you pull up stakes and head back to the UK and your own support system.

IMO, you need to get your ducks in a row: see a lawyer or 2 to figure out what divorce would look like. Get a counselor for yourself. Get a support system around yourself.

You don't have to rush into divorce. You don't have to do anything. And I support any decision you make, and so will others here. It seems like you see the really crappy writing on the wall: it looks like this is just going to keep happening. And you aren't okay with that.

You haven't done anything to deserve his selfish choices. That's on him.

A side thought:

We tried couples therapy a year ago and she mainly focused on me and how I don't have a support network.

Is it possible that the counselor was trying to make sure you were supported if he didn't change? Maybe she wanted to make sure you really felt you had options beyond just staying because you would have a support network.

Your husband seems to be banking on the idea that you won't leave (or make him leave) because he's not stopping himself from betraying you.

Again, I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.

[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:40 PM, Friday, December 15th]

In what might at first feel like a hard-handed way I want to offer you hope.
I absolutely hate it when posters think they have no chance, no options. Victim mentality…
Like if you truly think your situation can never be better, that you are trapped for eternity in Spain living with your cheating – possibly ex – husband… well… if that was true then maybe the only advice would be to accept your reality and make the most of it.

However… I doubt that this is the case.
Your dad writes a powerful letter and I see a calm and resolute person behind that text. If you want out of Spain or want to go home or simply out of the present conditions… you have a very powerful ally there who will move Heaven and Earth for his little girl.
Stop thinking victim mentality and start thinking resolution mentality. There is no problem that you can’t solve. The answer might not be clear right now, and often the answer is dictated by the options your husband might offer. But you can and you will survive this.

I agree with Bigger- perhaps a "long visit" to your friends and family in England is in order? You mention feeling lonely due to the breastfeeding and a lack of support network in Spain. I know how isolating being a mom at home while raising babies can be. It can be downright depressing some days. Why not go home for an extended visit? A month to clear your head, let the grands have time with the grandbabies and give yourself some much needed R&R in the presence of your loving family. No need to make permanent decisions, but definitely a way to take time to think.

A break like this would be able to get you out of the every-day stresses of the M and help you put enough distance from it to see your situation more clearly. And to build back your sense of self with a family's love and support surrounding you.

Wishing you well, this has got to be the 3rd circle of hell for you right now.

Do you work in Spain? What is your visa and language situation?

Personally I would do everything I could to move together to the U.K. and make it the kids place of residence and then see what you can do about your marriage.

If you split abroad I believe under The Hague convention you cannot leave with the children without his consent.

Getting you ALL home, using whatever devious tactic necessary, would be my number one priority.

You want more babysitting so let’s go to my home country, my parents will have them every weekend. Then we can date and have fun.
You think full time work and more family income would help the marriage let’s move to my home country do we have more time and free childcare.

Whatever motivates him I’d use. I’d forgive and do whatever I could to get home with my kids and get it as their country of residence.

He could leave you tomorrow and force you stay in Spain - how would that work? He is not to be trusted. He hasn’t got you or your kids back. So move heaven and hell to get to where you have a support network while he is trying to be a nice guy and is in panic mode.

I am sorry you are in this situation.

Thanks all of you. Needed to read this - especially the stop with the victim mentality.
In answer to some of your questions: yes, I work in Spain. I really enjoy my job and earn a decent salary. I am actually the breadwinner in the family. I moved here pre brexit so i have permanent residency here (which has nothing to do with the fact I am married to a Spanish man). I am fluent in Spanish (well..almost. still make a few mistakes). My husband and I communicate in Spanish.
I love Spain and am happy living here. To give you some background, I moved here 10 years ago and lived in Madrid. I made a lot of friends and loved life. I then met my husband who lives in a town. I moved in with him and then when we had our first daughter I lost some of my friends as they were/are in a partying phase of life which I couldn't keep up with. I made friends with some of my husbands friends and their wives but have found it difficult to make my own friends in this town. I am the only native English speaker here and I find lots of people living here have lived here their whole lives (like my husband) so already have their friends and have no interest/need in getting to know someone new.
Husbands parents live here and help us a lot with childcare etc.
My husband is very close to his mum but not so much his dad. Apparently his dad was an alcoholic/drug addict when my husband was growing up (he's clean now) and also had affairs on his mum. My husband is always saying to me that he never wants to become his dad.....
I realise that husband hasnt been physically unfaithful but the hardest part for me is the lying and going behind my back - the secrets.

Sometimes i wonder if maybe hes just not happy with our sex life. But if thats the case he should have communicated that with me! I have been quite open in the bedroom - even though it's usually always me who inituates it. Though our sex life has dwindled a bit. I find we go through these rocky stages and then our relationship is really passionate afterwards and then goes back to "normal". I don't have any issue with porn and him watching porn. My mum was saying she wonders if for him sexting someone is like porn for him, he does it and then closes the conversation and can carry on with his day..however, as I said, it's the hiding and lying I don't like. I even multiple times said to him that if he wants to sext random people why don't we do it together as a couple - but maybe I've said that in the past as a way to put a plaster on our problems and hope that'll be enough to please this need he has. Sorry for this essay. If you're still reading, thanks!

Your husband gets a thrill from the ego boost his sexting provides.

His behavior has NOTHING to do with you or your sex life or your marriage.

It’s a HIM problem.

And sadly he has become his father. A lying cheating disrespectful husband who cannot stop his sexting addiction.

Stop 🛑 believing his broken promises. And stop 🛑 believing he is going to be faithful and honest. His actions prove he’s not.

I am so sorry you that this has happened again. It is emotional murder in my opinion.
I wish I had asked what his intentions were when he asked me to marry. I think serial cheaters never intend to be faithful. As soon as life is normal at home they start making their next move.
I listened to a podcast called "secrets of serial cheaters" the #1 listed is to build a reputation of trust. My wh is well known in this small community, trusted and charming. My husband studies the Bible every morning and he is still a serial cheater. Their actions are a reflection of them not us.

I’m sorry I don’t have any comforting words for you. Do you trust it won’t happen again.? Staying for the children is not always a good reason.
Hugs

Duplicate post

[This message edited by Emotionalhell at 2:16 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

Agree with the others that there needs to be a consequence. I would definitely take the time to visit family and friends and make sure he is in counseling to figure out why he does this. It definitely is a HIM problem.

Would it be possible to move closer to your support system? Maybe one of the consequences of this is moving so you do have more support. If he does this again you can proceed with D.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 7:48 PM, Friday, December 22nd]

You can read my story in my signature. You’re in a vulnerable position when you move overseas, have kids and split up. Think about how your life would look if he leaves you for another woman and you’re stuck in his little home town with no family and few friends around you. Because you won’t be able to take the kids and come back to the UK without him agreeing.

I’m not telling you this to upset you, I’m explaining how vulnerable your position is so you can do something to change your position. How would life back in the UK look? Could you all go back there? Could you all move to a bigger city in Spain? Where you can build a better life with or without him.

I had to move back to the UK and leave my kids for my own survival. I’m now trying to get help from a charity called Reunite to see my kids. Believe me, you don’t want to be in this position.

So sorry your WH is putting you through this hell once again.

Gently, just from reading your couple of posts, your WH is more than likely a serial cheater. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Does your husband understand he is his dad with his actions?

Are you absolutely certain he never met up with any women during your relationship?

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Your husband is broken, nothing you do or don't do makes him cheat.

If you were my daughter, I'd advise you to go home to the UK. Spend time with family and friends. Think about what you want your future to be like. Do you really think your husband is going to stop his behavior? This is the 3rd or 4th time? He must be fairly confident you will not pack up and leave because you've tolerated his behavior for years. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I agree with meeting with a couple of attorneys, your children's future is risky and you need to protect them at all costs.