The "nice" guy isn't so nice

Word vomit coming up. Sat here looking at the mess which is apparently called my life.
I don't want to be in a relationship where I need the spend the rest of my life going through his phone. I also know if someone really wants to cheat they'll find a way (delete messages, use more secret apps, use a secret second phone).
This is now making me think even if we divorce, will I struggle with trust in my next relationship?
WH is so popular and friendly. He is known as the "nice one" amongst his friends. They were so happy when we met saying he deserves to be with someone and be happy.
I had no idea that behind that front was someone who gets a thrill sexting other women.
A few years ago an ex fling of his got in touch with me with screenshots of their conversations. I felt like my whole world had imploded. How could this "nice" guy do this and type such dirty stuff that he's never said to me.
I thought we had worked through it. He promised it wouldnt happen again. Changed his phone number.
Then (on top of finding out he's been sexting another stranger) I discovered he was back in touch with this ex fling. Apparently she had walked into the town hall (where WH works) to register her new marriage. They swapped numbers and were messaging. Nothing sexual - just a catch up - but he didnt tell me about it. They also met up during a street party in our town, which I discovered by reading messages like "so good seeing you" etc. WH says nothing happened which I do believe because he was with some of his friends who I trust and he wouldn't risk his reputation of being nice by doing anything.
When I found all these messages the very first thing that left his mouth was "I haven't done anything". He messaged an ex fling and met up with her and kept it all from me!
After this he started IC and is still in IC. Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago...I find out he's sexting a stranger he met on a chatroom...
The moment I found out he cried and contacted his therapist saying he needed an urgent appointment with her.
I am so scared! The thing is I am really far away from my friends and family. I am British and moved to Spain where I met WH. I moved to his small town where we live now..we have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. The 3 year old goes to school here and is very happy. So even if we D I am stuck in this town of his - surrounded by all memories of him.
The thing is apart from all these secrets he's so lovely..I don't understand. I also really need him at the moment as the kids are so young and a handful.
I also for some fucked up reason have a big desire to kiss and have sex with him. What the hell?!

I told my parents about what has happened. WH messaged them both a long message apologising for letting them down and saying it won't happen again. My dad replied with the following:

(WH),

Thank you for your note.

(My name) is our daughter and it obviously hurts us to see her being hurt by you agsin. Having her crying to us when she is so far from home and under your protection breaks our heart. It’s not something a husband should ever do to a loving wife and partner.

I truly hope this will be the last time as I know (my name) will not forgive you again if you do it again.

I appreciate your message (WH) and of course you are part of this family. Even the best marriages are not without their ups and downs and we all appreciate the stresses you have with (Daughter #1) and now (daughter #2). It’s at these times that you and (my name) must support each other as a loving team, not hurt each other.

(WH), as you say, you will now be judged by your future actions. I know you are a good man and look forward to you heading up our family’s Spanish division long into the future.

(My mum) and I love you like a son and look forward to seeing all four of you together as a family very soon. Nothing will be said about this so do not worry about that.

Please promise me that you will not hurt my daughter again in this way.

Looking forward to seeing you soon - you can buy me a beer!

(My dad) x

I'm just so lost. :-(
I've already felt a bit alone since having this second baby as with breastfeeding I'm a bit more restricted and can't really just go and see friends without taking her with me.
We tried couples therapy a year ago and she mainly focused on me and how I don't have a support network.
I love my husband, my heart feels like he's ripped it out and thrown it in a blender. I also love my kids and our little family life. I love our house and doing family stuff. So lost.

11 comments posted: Saturday, December 16th, 2023

Chatrooms and sexting

Sigh...here i am! Joining the club that none of us want to be in.
Feeling so angry, sad, bitter, want to get revenge which I know won't help but I want him to feel the same as me.

I am married. Been with my partner for 8.5 years and we have 2 kids (a 3 year old and a 12 week old).
Found out on Friday he has been entering chat rooms and then sent his phone number to a woman he met there and been explicitly messaging her. She's been getting raunchy messages as I've been getting messages like "we need to do a food shop"...
The part that makes me angry with him and also myself...this isn't the first time, nor the second.
Everytime I catch him and he cries and tells me he won't do it again and he doesn't want to lose me...he's then on his best behaviour afterwards and life is rosey...then low and behold as we get comfortable I find he's back to his old tricks again.
In all other ways he's great and everyone thinks he's the perfect husband. He's caring, I know he loves me, I love spending time with him, he's funny...
He's now saying he thinks he has a problem/addiction and might need help.
I have lost all trust. Not sure if I can come back from this.
Half of me wants to stay because I love him so much and I don't want to break our family unit.
The other half of me is thinking "fuck him" and wants to kick him to curb. I have more self respect than this shit he's giving me.

I have no idea what to do. Fed up of this.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, December 5th, 2023