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My H's A was almost 14 years ago and we are R and doing well.

He recently, about a year ago, joined FB in order to sell some household things on marketplace. He doesn't post much but when we lost our beloved dog recently he posted a beautiful tribute. I rarely look at his FB but have access and have looked at his tribute and the lovely comments people made.

Today, for some reason, I clicked on his messenger. There was a message from someone from his HS writing about our beautiful dog and how sad she was for my H and his family. She ended the message with "sending love." ❤

He just said thank you. We appreciate your thoughts.

I didn't see any other communication but I should also add that I do not have FB and don't know my way around.

Since I don't use FB, can someone explain why she sent her sentiment through messenger instead of just commenting under his post?

Personally, I would not end a message to a man with sending love unless it was a very, very close friend and I would not put a red heart. Maybe it's just me? I have very strong boundaries so I don't know.

Just an FYI, I don't buy through his phone or police anything. This was just a random thing. He knows I look at his pictures of our dog.

A few thoughts.

She absolutely could have posted that sentiment on his post. There was no need to message him.

Maybe she feels she was someone special to him,and wanted to send a more personal message. Or,maybe he was someone special to her,and she was using this as a way to start a private dialog between them.

Either way, it was unnecessary. She either has very poor boundaries, and/or she was fishing.

I've had men do this. It always feels like a fishing expedition.

Also..I don't know how it is with you and your husband, but in my marriage,my husband is supposed to tell me if a woman sends him a private message. No responding. No deleting. Then we decide together how to handle it. It builds trust. (Of course I've recently had a dday,so he clearly didn't uphold that)

He also isn't to accept any friend requests from women that aren't mutual friends, or family. It has been over a decade since dday, but that is a forever requirement.

I feel your husband should have told you.

[This message edited by HellFire at 3:55 PM, Friday, December 8th]

I don't think I'd worry too much about it, mostly because of this:

We appreciate your thoughts.

Some people are weirdos and send PMs instead of commenting on the post like a normal person. She could also be fishing. It's so hard to try to discern another's intentions.

I don't think I'd worry too much about it unless you've already set a boundary that he's to tell you about contact from women.

ETA: I think the distance from DDay and how the WS has behaved during R is a big factor in how we perceive things like this. I'm 19y out and I wouldn't worry at all, but someone who's had a more recent DDay would definitely have more stringent boundaries.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:02 PM, Friday, December 8th]

I agree 100%.

I/we didn't spell out any agreements when he joined FB.

I am not on FB but use IG. I would definitely tell him and show him if I received a message like that. I am and have always been an open book and very willing to communicate.

Here is where I need help. He will tell me that he clearly used WE in replying to her message and that his answer to her was just a simple thank you. He WILK tell me it did not occur to him to tell me because it was no big deal. He will not see that he did anything wrong. He will get me on my heals, especially now. We are dealing with some stuff with our DD on top of grieving the sudden and unexpected loss of our dog.

I don't see why he could not ignore the message. As far as I know she was nobody special to him. She crossed a boundary so just ignore it. He will probably not think sending a generic message back is a big deal so why ignore somebody being kind?

"I'm tired boss."

The old, not cheated on me would not care and would be happy with his response. Unfortunately, this is how he got himself into trouble years ago. It was someone from high school that he would see while working. She would go out of her way to make sure she saw him and be flirty and friendly. He did not stop it and things took off from there.

I

I don't know your story.

IMO, if you didn't have the boundary set already, he didn't do anything "wrong." And saying "Thank you" isn't a cause for alarm. Using "we" is a good sign.

Talk to him. Set the boundary. Don't let yourself get spun out about this.

ETA: Okay, I see that HS friends are a trigger. That makes perfect sense. I think you should set the boundary now.

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 4:19 PM, Friday, December 8th]

I would find it hard to ignore a direct message because it feels rude to me not to reply. I only ignore/delete messages from people I don't know. In this case, I'd be inclined to think it's not a big deal. He didn't engage with her. There was no, "Oh thank you, how are you and your family doing? etc." so to me, his reply was out of politeness.

As for her motives, who the heck knows. The good thing here is that your H brushed her off (politely).

There is a new "trend" on social media, on FB in particular, where people don’t post anything, don’t like any posts, don’t comment on anyone’s posts but know everything that happens on their feed and if they need to comment, they’d rather message that person.

I think it’s all to do with trying to appear that "I have a life and don’t need to prove anything and I don’t spend time on social media". As I said it appears to be a trend rather than reality as I have a few friends with this approach and I can assure you they know every move of everyone in their FB feed. 😆

Anyway with this in mind, I also had messages from people who are taking the above approach. When I lost my brother two years ago and posted about it, I had condolences sent to me via messenger rather than as a comment.

If you look at this woman’s social media profile is she active on it otherwise? Does she post a lot? If she’s active then yes, it’s weird she sent it as a message.

Regarding the actual content of the message, some people are a bit too familiar, not sure if they’re fishing or simply they don’t see the weight of their words, some people use "sending love, lots of love, much love" as a way to express sentiment to random people.

I’m not excusing her by the way, I just don’t think it’s a red flag with regards to your husband.

You can download all his data off Facebook by the way, it would show you every search, every move he made on their platform.

I'm not seeing a red flag either.

I know people who will me message me a Happy Birthday v. posting in on my page like everyone else. Like Luna said, some folks just don't want to signal that they are on or following social media.

In this case, this person might have felt that a condolence message was better off private? I mean, she may be fishing but who knows. Either way, he didn't take the bait.

I think it's ok to set a boundary now about social media and private messages. Not because he did anything wrong but because you've discovered a trigger (and rightly so!) and you both need to work toward protecting you from those when possible.

"You can download all his data off Facebook by the way, it would show you every search, every move he made on their platform."

Thank you for this nugget of information however my computer knowledge is probably equivalent to or less than a five year old.

I hear what you alk are saying. He handled it appropriately. I need to be clear if I expect him to tell me about private messages or texts from other women.

It wasn't just that she ended her message with "sending love" the red heart was over the top in my opinion. If it was from one or two of the women that I know he was very good friends with I wouldn't have thought much of it either.

I guess the HS connection is triggering me and I am in a bad place with my emotions.

I hate that I feel like the guilty party because I looked.

Thank you for this nugget of information however my computer knowledge is probably equivalent to or less than a five year old.

It’s really easy I promise. You just click on profile settings, privacy settings, and then download your information.

I totally get why this is triggering. I’m sorry.

Heart symbols are flying left, right and centre on social media these days, even perfect strangers will add hearts to their comments. Maybe she is fishing, I’d keep an eye on it for a bit just for peace of mind.

ETA: you are not guilty for looking. Privacy and secrecy are two different things. You’re married and are entitled to know who your husband is messaging with. More so in the context of an affair as part of your marriage history. Nothing to feel guilty about.

[This message edited by Luna10 at 4:38 PM, Friday, December 8th]

Thank you!!

The heart is not something I would ever do but I like to be clear and not give confusing signals.

It also seems ridiculous for someone almost sixty years old to do but maybe that's just me.

Thanks everyone for understanding!!!

He doesn't have to have Facebook messenger at all. He can delete that app. A lot of people have Facebook, but not messenger.

That's interesting HF. Thank you!! I did not know that and he probably doesn't know either.

Do you need that when you use marketplace?

Many bs are saying they don't see a red flag.

But is this appropriate for a ws? Of course, I know my perspective is jaded right now. But,I don't think it's ever ok for a wh to receive a private message from a woman,especially when she sends "love," and not mention it to their BS. Regardless of how much time has passed. Trust is never completely restored. And honesty and transparency should always be a constant.

How many "I'm back" threads do we see, from BS who are several years out? A whole lot. Just because you are 14 years from dday,doesn't mean transparency and honesty shouldn't exist.

I do think his response was appropriate. I think the fact that you had to find this message, on your own,and he didn't tell you,is an issue.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:02 PM, Friday, December 8th]

Hmm. I don't know.

It's been a year. Is he done selling? If so, he can delete the app.

You make some very valid points.

I need to talk to him and make it clear that I expect him to tell me if he gets a private message or text. I'm not asking for anything I don't do myself.

He handled the message correctly. I assume there has been no more contact. Technology has gotten away from me. I don't know how to do half the stuff on our phones that everybody talks about and I know zero about FB. This message kind of jumped out at me.

He works from home now and is rarely out without me but I have no idea what goes on with his phone. I have the PW but don't bother looking at it unless I need it for something or he asks me to. Honestly, unless something was right there in plain sight I would have no idea what to look for.

No, we just sold something this week.

The only reason he opened the account and not me is because he is much better with technology.

You can find a lot by looking in his Google account. Go to the Google page,and click on the little circle that has his first initial, upper right hand corner. It will then take you to a page that says, "manage my account." Once there,click on "data and privacy." Scroll down to "my activity." From there,you can see his searches,everywhere he's gone on the internet, his location, the YouTube videos he's watched,etc. It's a plethora of information.

You need messenger to communicate with people on Marketplace.

Without more, I would assume the message was harmless, sending private condolence rather than a public one seems appropriate or at least not outrageous. I wouldn't read into the use of the heart emoji after he shared something like the death of a pet. Your boundaries are stronger than hers but not everyone has been through infidelity. I agree he handled it appropriately.

I also understand why you feel triggered. Having boundaries about social media is totally reasonable and I'd have a conversation with him about it. "I don't think you did anything wrong, but next time I'd prefer you did X...."