SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Sorry if this has already been covered, but on Facebook you can share a story or just make a post. When you make a post all the comments are visible, but when posting a story all the comments go to messenger. I never post a story because I don't want the private comments. I also never comment on a story for the same reason.

Thank you Tanner. I did not know that.

Zebra, I used to be so easygoing. Not anymore.

After the I, then the R, if some old HS friend female sent my H a conciliatory message full of "compassion" followed with "sending love" and the cheesy "heart" thing, yes, I would put my antennas on.

She is clearly available for a connection.

I'm not saying your husband is in any way implicated, but because she is possibly a predator (likely?) looking for an "in" and given your history, this could be a disaster. Predators like knowing what affects us emotionally because it's like an open door for them and she found out something about him. A vulnerability. His tribute was a wonderful thing, but going public with things like that, you never know who'll you'll attract.

I would keep an eye on this. She already has the old HS connection for a trust basis.

And ...

"Today, for some reason, I clicked on his messenger. " Trust THAT.

Thank you Elica.

He gives everybody the benefit of the doubt and assumes everybody has good intentions. Kind of ironic coming from someone who lied and cheated. I was pleasantly surprised to see he responded to her by using "we" so maybe he does get it.

I think he made the post because he was really grieving the loss of our dog. It was very unexpected. I also think for him it might have been easier than having to tell people individually. He doesn't normally post things or put personal stuff out there. I really think he was looking for something to do with his feelings and to honor our buddy.

You make a good point about her possibly seeing an opening and jumping on it with her love and hearts.

I wish I could just be happy about how he responded but because of our history, my mind wonders if there is contact hidden elsewhere.

I didn't read through all of the messages, so apologies if this is a duplicate. They just within the last few weeks did an update to the book of face where the messenger button is right under the comment button on posts. I know this cus several times since the update I've accidentally responded to a post in messenger instead of leaving a comment like I intended.

Unless there was something additional in the the pages of posts here I don't see any red flags. He responded in an appropriate and neutral fashion. And also for her, maybe it was sent accidentally due to the update. Even if not, I don't see anything alarming in her message either way. I'm a huge animal lover and have responded similarly to posts when I read about someone losing a pet. Just my 0.02.

As far as deleting the app. If you're selling on marketplace you have to use it. Anytime you list an item, there's a 'message seller' button on there. Those marketplace messages come through the messenger ap.

With regards to the red heart, I myself would not necessarily make much of that, but somebody else might, and that somebody might be your husband.

But, I would also not send a red heart to a friend. Or anyone else, for that matter, simply because of my boundaries, and what a red heart would mean to me if I sent it. I would send them only to my children, siblings, wife, parent, and to be honest it probably would not send one to any of my siblings.

Years ago, many of my colleagues had begun to use Facebook as a way of connecting, and a cheap method of advertising to some degree.

So, I looked into it, my FWS already had an account. After establishing the Facebook account, I did not use it for the business. I was concerned that customers, or their family members, and their posting and messaging, might become innappropriate at some point. After I learned what I could, about Facebook, and how it worked at the time, which was quite a few years ago, it just looked at me like it was going to be a lot more trouble potentially than value. I just saw red flags all over it.

Specifically, I was concerned about female clients, or the female relatives of some of my older clients. Several years before, one of them had pursued me, and a couple of married female colleagues had previously been inappropriate, and Facebook just appeared to me to be a cheater/stalker paradise.

Even LinkedIn, which I have an account on, is apparently used for dating and hookups by traveling professionals, per one of my siblings who is one of those people who has to travel a lot. So, even there, I am very cautious.

Thanks Ellie. That's helpful info.

Posters seem to be split about whether or not this is a red flag. I think he gets points for how he answered but he should have told me.

I don't really want him to delete FB. He uses it to follow some of his very innocent, nerdy interests. He can't hide and I can't shield him from temptation. He has to be able to handle it on his own or being married is pointless.

Zebra, The message would not be a red flag for a faithful husband with no history of cheating. He responded just the way he should, but the fact that he had a history of connecting with a HS friend and taking it in an inappropriate direction makes it not ok.
It doesn’t hurt to look up once in a while and see what he is upto and point out if anything does not look appropriate. You aren’t policing, you are being careful because he is not fully capable of being careful.

My WH has multiple female "friends" who qualify as APs. Pre DDay, they contacted each other over the years, and sometimes it would be inappropriate and sometimes it would be friendly. (Some of the "friend" APs he had had sex with back when he was single or cheating on a previous girlfriend, so there's a real history there.) He did not send them NC messages after DDay as there were so many bigger fish to fry and they weren't on our radar.

So every couple of years, one of them pops up after realizing they haven't talked in a while and sends an innocuous text or FB message (one of them contacted me directly on FB, even after I had unfriended her, since she couldn't get a hold of my H due to him blocking her. She thought we were buds but never questioned the unfriending. I had met her... at our wedding). But since we're dealing with bona fide APs, these messages are not innocuous, and any friendly communication in response is a betrayal. Even if my H responded with a "WE are great, thanks, bye."

I've had to force him to shut them down aggressively in the past (he wanted to just ignore them, but that keeps the door open, even if he never plans to act on it, so no). Now he does it on his own.

But my point is, even if it appears innocent, it could be an AP in sheep's clothing just on a fishing trip. OR a betrayal in his heart because, deep down, he likes this woman and cares that they have a good opinion of him (i.e., the contact is a slight ego boost... fine for faithful spouses, not so much for waywards).

So if you need support in telling him to shut it down, this is it.

[This message edited by Revenger at 6:47 PM, Thursday, December 14th]