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Are you talking about his phone or computer?

Also, I hope this wasn't a bad thing to do but I clicked on the messenger women's profile. If I am understanding what I am looking at, she is very active on FB. She also has many of the same things on there that my H follows. Same sports team, a couple of comics, and a lot of dog and animal type things.

I also looked again at his messenger. One of my nephews reached out about our dog and never mentioned that to me either. He is extremely forgetful in all areas of his life. It's very hard to tell if he is hiding something or not.

Definitely worth a conversation.

I would agree with the previous poster, the old me, who had not been cheated on, who had not been through multiple years of counseling, and all the other shit, would have considered this rather innocuous. On the face of it, it does look innocuous.

Unfortunately, sometimes it is somebody else on a fishing expedition.

A few years ago, years and years after the affair and D-Day, after counseling had ended, when things were going fairly well, I kept getting a message on my email generated by Facebook because I had an old Facebook account that I did not use. So I went on Facebook after several of these came through, as the person lived in the same town, where I worked, although not where I lived.

It turned out that this was my FWS's boyfriend from high school. He had moved to this area, which was the town that she grew up in, although not where we lived. He had also contacted her through Facebook, which he would've easily been able to do so as the community is quite small where they are from. They had become Facebook friends. He had gotten divorced, and on his interest he clearly stated he was "interested in women".

She had never told me about this FB request and link up.

None of her messages were inappropriate. None of his messages were inappropriate. But this is a guy she used to fuck. This is a guy she used to "party with". He was clearly divorced and looking.

I had a very firm conversation with her about this. If she had learned anything, from 4 years of MC, she would've informed me immediately if an old sexual partner reached out to her.

The fact that I found it out because of some software in the background that tried to link everybody up, only because I had an old Facebook account that I had intended to use for business, and decided not to use because of the potential for just this sort of thing, and not from her was a problem.

I was ready to leave her, divorce, end the marriage. I told her I was just fine with her being friends with anyone she wanted to be friends with, but then I was not fine with being in a marriage with her if she was linking up with old boyfriends. But I was also not fine if she was getting messages from old boyfriends and not telling me about them.

I didn't have to threaten her, she blocked him, defriended him on Facebook, and went through her contacts, making sure there wasn't anything else that might be concerning.

She did say that she "didn't think anything of it", I pointed out that she "clearly were not thinking about me" when another guy contacted her.

She has gotten frustrated over the years because of the fallout from the affair. But I did not have the affair, I did not lie to my spouse for weeks while having sex with somebody else, I did not lie to my spouse for years and years and years afterwards, and I did not lie about my spouse and to my spouse in the counselors office for over six months before confessing for real.

So I would have that conversation with my spouse, if it turns out that this person is an old, romantic partner, you will need to have an entirely different conversation.

My boundaries were always strong.

You all really think the red heart is something you would do or be ok with? We are in our late fifties and this is not from a friend. It feels to comfortable and cutesy to me. I'm not a particularly jealous or insecure person. I just really don't like when people don't have good boundaries.

I do appreciate that his response was generic and that he used we.

Also, thank you, I thought he might need messenger for marketplace.

Zeb he responded in an appropriate manner and most likely did so without thinking.

The woman was most likely fishing. That's on her.

I would encourage you to have a calm conversation with him setting some expectations of how to handle this in the future, make sure you acknowledge his appropriate response. Then set that new boundary and help him understand the slippery slope he stood at the top of.

I'm over 15 years out and honestly don't monitor anything anymore. My H buys and sells so much stuff on line secondary to his hobbies and interests it would frankly be exhausting to even check periodically. I am confident that he made the fundamental changes to be a safe partner. I am also confident that should that change and he cheat again I would be done immediately and confident in my ability to walk away financially and securely. When I ensured that it really allowed me to let go of all the other stuff. But like I said he made the necessary changes in himself to become the safe partner. If he had not I probably would not have stuck around.

Anyway. It's probably best you have a calm conversation about it.

His Google account is most likely the same,on his phone and computer.

I'm not saying this is worth a deep dive. Just suggesting this,if you do feel the need to check, this is a good place to start.

Again..the problem isn't the response. It's that he didn't tell you. He may feel it wasn't a big deal. But it clearly is to you,or you wouldn't be here asking about it. And sorry, your sense of security trumps his casual attitude about it.

Also, I'm not kidding about my lack of knowledge with electronics. I promise I am fairly intelligent. I just don't have a need or enjoy using them.

I looked at what I think you were talking about with Google on my phone and I don't see what to click on. We have iPhones if that matters.

I'm not sure I will be able to check his phone. He listens to audio books when falling asleep. If he wakes up he'll notice his phone is missing if I'm checking.

It feels sneaky but at the same time he put these doubts here.

I don't see his response as a bad thing but I would recommend you talk to him about this. I understand why it is triggering you and he needs to also understand this. Otherwise, I think you are going to doubt yourself and him.

Boundaries can be set at anytime so I would create new boundaries. The women who sent the message may have meant nothing from it other than she feels bad for the loss or she could have been looking to chat but nothing else was said so I think it was also harmless.

It really sucks that even with a good reconciliation and an older affair triggers happen but that is the reality of betrayal. It never goes away.

Just talk with your husband and set clear boundaries.

Did you set transparency requirements? Did he think they had an expiration date?

You all really think the red heart is something you would do or be ok with? We are in our late fifties and this is not from a friend. It feels to comfortable and cutesy to me. I'm not a particularly jealous or insecure person. I just really don't like when people don't have good boundaries.

I'd interpret the red heart in this context as an expression of empathy. You mention this woman is more online than you. I wouldn't describe myself as being super online but certainly more than you and I've grown up with it a bit. It is common to use the red heart emoji as an expression of empathy and I'd use a red heart myself in the same context. In fact, post-A me would probably send this same message to an old friend if they posted something significant (like the loss of a pet or parent). I'm not in the business of sending messages to men I went to high school with and haven't spoken to in years but I think when someone posts about the loss of a pet or family member they are typically looking for public support. Again, if it were me, I probably do it publicly rather than privately (especially if we weren't close or I didn't know the person's spouse) but again, I've been through infidelity. In another context I think the red heart emoji in a private message would be obviously inappropriate. If it were here saying, "haven't thought of you in a while" with a red heart emoji I'd be like, "no ma'am." All this said, it's HIS actions that you should be wary of, not hers. That said, if your guard is up, by all means check in again to see if she makes any further attempts to reach out.

One of my nephews reached out about our dog and never mentioned that to me either. He is extremely forgetful in all areas of his life. It's very hard to tell if he is hiding something or not.

Again, to me this wouldn't be reason for alarm but I'm not in your relationship. You get to choose what is and isn't okay and social media is a whole new landscape that hasn't been defined yet. So now that he's entered it, I think you are correct to have a new conversation about it and lay down whatever ground rules make you comfortable.

Honestly, I can't remember what our specific ground rules were.

He hasn't used social media in the past so I doubt we spelled out anything there.

I will talk to him. I'm sure he will apologized for not telling me and agree to do so in the future. So why am I still bothered?

Also, I looked further through his messages. There were other ones from women but they were much more appropriate. Just a quick sorry and a short thanks from him. I have a gut feeling about this one. And, you're all correct, that's on her. As far as I know he shut her down.

You're right, this stuff never completely goes away.

You don't need his phone to check his google activity assuming he uses google on his computer as well.

If you feel the need (and I get why you do and firmly believe a BS can have the need whenever they want) to take a closer look at his online activities, do it.

To check his google account on his PC it assumes that:

a) he is using google (chrome) on his PC

b) he is logged in to his actual google account (you can use google without signing in)

If you need more help figuring out how to get in, let us know.

Accessing the google account will show you when he uses FB, messenger, email, and browsing history. If he keeps google open on his phone, it can also track his location and give you that info. You can also download the google history if you don't have a lot of time to scroll through it at one time.

Downloading FB history is pretty simple, however, in my experience, deleted things don't show up in the history. Worth it though to set your mind at ease?

[This message edited by TheEnd at 7:47 PM, Friday, December 8th]

Like I said, I think this is an understandable trigger. You're bothered because you're triggered. If you're anything like me, you aren't triggering regularly anymore so it probably feels strange/out of sorts.

When I say that this is probably nothing, I'm trying to be reassuring rather than dismissive (*red heart emoji*).

Also, definitely have the chat. If he was someone that was once vulnerable to the reaching out from an old friend form high school, facebook has the potential to be a minefield in terms of triggers. Best to get on the same page.

I would be upset that he's been receiving (and answering) private messages from women,and he hasn't told you.

I think this one is bothering you,the most,because she sent "love."

I would totally not be okay with the red heart TBH. With that said, your husband isn’t the one who sent the red heart so there’s that. Also, he invoked the proverbial marital "we" which is the best way to shut this nonsense down. So I give him an A+ for that and it should make you feel more secure. Why do women send red hearts to married men is something I don’t understand. A lot of the support staff at my husbands group do that. In those cases, given the h/o infidelity, I expect him to give a subtle sign of discouragement. I kind of feel your husband did that. More to the point, he did that without any input from you. Why didn’t he tell you? Not sure, but men are idiots sometimes, no offense men.

I would do a little investigating which it sounds like you have done. I think it is great that the other people posting here don’t seem to need to do that. They are definitely more healed than I am. I would probably look at his screen time to see how often he is going on Facebook, just to be sure nothing weird is going. But, it already sounds like nothing is going on. But, maybe this lady is a little on the overly friendly side. If you have confidence your husband is good at brushing these things aside, that is as it should be. I am not there yet.

[This message edited by Stillconfused2022 at 8:05 PM, Friday, December 8th]

I do not think that a single message in response to a heartfelt tribute to your dog is a red flag. More data is needed before it moves into the red flag category imo.

"You're bothered because you're triggered. If you're anything like me, you aren't triggering regularly anymore so it probably feels strange/out of sorts." Yes, true.

"If you need more help figuring out how to get in, let us know." I'm thinking about this and you have no idea how much help I will need. Thank you for offering.

After looking into it I don't think he has a Google account but I could be wrong. I don't have one.

"I would be upset that he's been receiving (and answering) private messages from women,and he hasn't told you." Yup.

I think he thinks that the conversations were no big deal so there is nothing to tell. He also thinks he would never do what he did in the past so nothing to worry about. Yeah, it's not that simple or easy on my end.

For the most part, after a rough few month after DDay he has been a wonderful H for the last 13 years. However, he cheated on me before we were married so I will never trust him fully again. And yes I was an idiot for marrying someone who cheated on me while we were dating and took a huge chance on R with him. I just thought I would add that so you can see where I am coming from.

I was absolutely floored that he did that to me again and while married. It came out of nowhere.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful responses. I'm reading through them all and considering your suggestions.

BTW, it is also fine to say no to social media. I know many couples who have that as a ground rule.

I don't think you're bothered because you're triggered. That makes this sound like a "you" problem,and not a "him" problem.

He cheated. Period,point blank. It is ok to not be ok with him private messaging women on the internet, and not telling you about it. Regardless of the content of the messages.

I'm not sure if I ever told him to not message with women or that he had to tell me. I would hope he would know enough to do that on his own.

He wouldn't have a FB if I had agreed to open one and do the marketplace stuff. I'm ok with him having it, I would just prefer he not converse with women that aren't our friends.

I understand how calling this a trigger makes it a me problem but isn't it a trigger? Or are you saying he did something wrong by not telling me so focus on that?

Something else you could do is change the name on the Facebook account to both of your names. That makes it clear that you're a couple and would probably prevent people like heart emoji woman from messaging if they don't know which one of you will be responding.