SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all,

This is my first time posting on a forum for anything and honestly I'm not sure what I am expecting to get out of it. AITAH For wanting to ghost my cheating wife and her kids.

I am currently filling out divorce papers for my wife and I. She cheated on me a couple of years ago and lied about it only to do it again about a month ago. She has two children from a previous marriage that I have known since they were little. The way she mothered was pretty much the reason I fell in love with her . Over the years she has changed however. It started with the first incident and only got worst. What makes it worse is that she cheated with her kids father. I noticed things changing when she told me that he didn't like me coming with her to drop the kids off or pick them up and then we stopped having sex nor would she let me touch her. She denied it even after I found the underwear she bought for him and a friend of her sent me some texts she had sent him with some naked pictures. We would argue and she said her friend was making stuff up it got bad but I chose to I stick around to try and work things out but I think I was just being dragged along because she knew I cared for the children and used that in our arguments. This most recent one was with a guy at her job. At first it was benign but then some of the same things from the first incident started showing up. She would change the type of clothes she would wear at work, she used to call me all the time at lunch and then stopped. She would stay late at work or would take extra hours. This made me lose my mind. She would gaslight me constantly until I had enough and snooped. After finding texts confirming my suspicion things only got worst. The kicker on this one is that she finally admitted to the first incident when I confronted her. When we went to counseling she would argue that I should have not snooped and that what I did was just as bad. I know snooping is wrong but if any of you have ever been gaslit, you know the feeling is not something to be endured.

Hi ITGuy07,

Welcome to SI. I'm so sorry you have reason to be here. I was never an online forum person before this either. Sometimes its nice to read stories of others going through the same things you are - it can help you process your feelings and it can be nice to have a space to vent with people who actually understand. Until you have experienced infidelity yourself, its hard to know how intense and all encompassing the pain can be. I'm so glad you trusted your gut and dug into it.

Please do not feel the need to justify the "snooping" in her phone (to us or to her). The issue is not with your snooping, it's with her cheating. Married people with nothing to hide, should have no issue with transparency in their phone. She is also someone with a history of cheating, she should have no expectation of phone secrecy. She also was acting strange enough to give you reason to check. I see no issue with it.

If you are interested, there is a forum here for specifically for people who are going through the process of divorce. It might be a good place to discuss the specific strategies/issues/etc for people exactly in your place.

I am sorry for your situation. It sounds like you married a serial cheater.

No you are not wrong for ghosting these children. Unfortunately trying to remain in their lives will only result in more heartbreaking consequences for you.

You should tell them that you love them and hope for the best but unfortunately you can no longer stay married to their mom.

Of course the cheater will blame you for everything so it’s not like the kids will even like you (due to the STBXW tactics).

If their dad is part of their lives then that is the most important thing for the kids.

You need to protect yourself.

ITguy,

You are not the AHole, and do not allow your WW to push any of this on You in any way.

She has burned her bridge to you completely. Be glad you will be rid of her soon.

She lied about her affair with her ex H for years, You didn't say how long ago the first affair was, denying you the right to make an informed choice to stay and work on the marriage or just cut your losses.

This is enough for most people to end it 200%, however it get worse in that her exH will always be in the kids lives and by extension your life.

This latest affair pushes it up to 300% possibly more since You now know she is a serial cheater.

Oh yea get tested for STDs.

Secure your bank accounts now.

Inform the wife or so of the exH and the coworker, do not warn or threat this exposure do it now. If the coworker is a boss or superior inform HR.

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. I wanted to point out that there are some threads pinned at the top of the forum that are helpful. Additionally, the Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use.

Unfortunately, she's showing that she's a serial cheater and they have a poor track record from our collective knowledge here. Not that she can't change, but it is very unlikely.

The issue is not with your snooping, it's with her cheating.

She's wanting to blame you for her poor decisions, and it's a classic move out the Cheater's Handbook. (Not a real book, but things we hear so often that it appears to be in a book that the cheater is following.)

Take care of yourself at this time. Infidelity sucks.

When we went to counseling she would argue that I should have not snooped and that what I did was just as bad.

Translation: "How dare you attempt to find out the truth so that you can make a decision for what's best for your life based on facts instead of my lies and gaslighting."

Hi, ITGuy, welcome to SI, the best club no one wants to join..so sorry you find yourself here, but you are among members who have been betrayed as well, different stories, same devastation.

I agree with a couple of other posters, she is a serial cheater, rarely do they change.

Please take care of yourself, find a good IC, and meet with a couple of attorneys.

The old saying, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

If these men are married, their wives deserve to know they are living a lie. Inform them and please do not tell your wife. Also do not tell your wife about this site, it's your safe space.

Don't feel guilty about snooping, you deserve to know she is a liar and betrayer and going behind your back and you deserve to live an authentic life.

Please post as often as you need to, weekends are a bit slow.

Please read the post I have in General re the ethics of snooping on cheater. Absorb the comments.

So sorry that you have to go through this. Having been a victim of infidelity myself, I can truly relate. I think it is selfish for her to say you are snooping on her phone. She asked for it, so she should live with it. In my opinion, she's not going to change if she's so concerned about you snooping on her phone. She's already proven to you that she's a serial cheat and so can't be trusted. Her attitude shows she doesn't care about the agony she has caused you.

ITGuy

Some relationships are like a bad haircut you got at that barber offering cheap cuts…
All you can do is learn to avoid that place and give your hair time to grow back out.

It does sound like your WW has major issues, and no attempt to reconcile would be possible without some major changes on her part. Since she isn’t willing to do that, then divorce is your only option. It’s maybe not what you envisioned or want, but it’s the only way forwards. I suggest you simply embrace that and see it through.