Years are estimates of our timeline.
This week, D-day 2, A 2-year affair which has included 5 holidays with her, while we have struggled to even get 4 days together as a family, saw it coming and am still floored by it. 2 of these holidays happened when we were in M counselling.
In the interim, He gets a job that involves regular travel. Is often unreachable and often has excuses for being unreachable.
6years ago, my Christmas gift from him was weekly dance lessons together. I have always wanted to learn to dance. He boasts to his mother about the great gift he got me and glows at her approval, but about three sessions in a work clash means we can't go anymore, He is self-employed and organises the schedule himself.
7 years ago, I found dirty, not professional photos on a computer by accident; lots of excuses that he has now on D-day 2 finally admitted were lies
11 years ago. D-Day 1. heavily pregnant when I tricked his girlfriend into talking to me, thinking she was talking to him, found out loads, cornered him and found out she is not only not the only one, but he has actually lost count of the number of times he has cheated ranging from one night stands to emotional relationships,
12 years ago, I returned to work. I love my job but have to quit because he is getting so engrossed in his hobbies that he forgets to do his share of the housework or feed the children when I am out. I ended up in the hospital due to exhaustion. I don't work again until the children are old enough to make their own lunch.
13 years ago, He got home hours late from work with no communication and told me some bullcrap story about needing to take a girl to the hospital because she stood on a glass. Actually, he called the hospital in front of me to try and validate his story; of course, the hospital told him nothing because there was no girl, though I still do not think he has admitted to this.
15ish years ago, We were struggling to make ends meet with a new baby; while looking for things to sell in order to make the rent that month, I found stacks and stacks of porn magazines. Dates show that they are recent purchases, and he is skimming significant amounts of money off the top of the budget to buy porn while I am skipping meals and selling my possessions.
16ish years ago, we were newly married, We went to a party that was frankly awful. I go home because I don't feel safe; he lets me but doesn't come with me. I fall asleep hours later and wake up to find him not home. He has never told me what happened beyond telling me he did come home but couldn't sleep as he was overwhelmed, so went for a walk to 'process.'
16 years ago, months before our wedding, he was crying on my sofa because an ex-girlfriend was begging him to break it off with me and marry her. He's confused; he still insists that he didn't lead her on, and it came out of nowhere.
17 years ago, His female friend constantly looked at me in a way that made me feel like she was laughing at and pitying me. I suspect, and he denies it and says she's just weird and has a bit of a crush; his housemates won't look me in the eye when I mention her to them. He finally admits this in the trickle truth that follows D-Day 1
18 years ago. I am in hospital for an operation, and the parents I trust have offered to come with me, but I have said no because he has said he will come; I am terrified of hospitals, He didn't turn up because he overslept after a karaoke competition the night before.
20 years ago, we were not long dating, He says constantly that he loves me but seems to forget I exist around a multitude of other interesting distractions. I consider asking him to give up one of his many activities to spend more time together; I realise this is not reasonable, but for some reason, also don't see the warning sign that if he so easily ignores me in our early stages, then the relationship is not meant to be.
Alongside all of this, A constant current of being late home, never hearing or remembering anything I say even when things have life and death importance, and struggling to notice, remember or pay attention to me, this sound petty but yesterday, he got himself a curry and me chip shop because after 16 years of marriage he forgot that curry take out is my favourite because he is so utterly and completely disinterested in me.
I have realised suddenly that the problem with our marriage is very, very simple; right from the start, he has found me about as interesting as a sheet of crumpled paper and as such, in his priorities, I have been about 6 or 7 spaces below even his hobbies. So why the hell did he bother to marry me? And how could I have been so stupid as to miss every one of these red flags?
Of course, I know the answer: years of watching my mother bounce around in abusive relationships combined with years of being bounced around different foster placements, low self-worth and a perception that anything that doesn't include active abuse and neglect is a good relationship, which I guess means I didn't 'escape' the way I thought I had, I replicated the story in a different way. 
