SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One year since the bottom fell out of my world.

I have lived through false R, trickle truths, therapy (so much therapy), marriage counseling, lies told to my face both big and small, secrets from a decade ago revealed, a couples weekend, family holidays and road trips, a continuing dead bedroom, apologies (so many apologies), tears, intense 4AM talks, hugging, screaming into the void (when no one else is home), holding hands, confessions, soul-searching, a lawyer consultation, heartfelt talks with best friends, health crashes, hope, and despair.

I have no idea how I have held it together, but somehow we are still trying to reconcile. I love my spouse in a familial way, but struggle to like him. In the past couple months, he has become kind and affectionate and is desperately doing whatever he can to salvage things. I wonder daily if it's better to walk away, but I have fears about what that would do to our teenager who, as far as I know, doesn't know about the affair. It's like choosing between walking over hot coals or a bed of nails.

Outwardly, everything is fine. We live in a nice house in a nice neighborhood with a nice kid. We have a healthy nest egg for retirement. We have health insurance. We get together with friends and family. I tell myself daily to be grateful for all of this.

So why is this so hard?

I'm also deeply thankful for this community and all the wisdom, humor, and compassion that you all provide on a daily basis.

Is he doing the work to be a safe partner? What were the conditions or boundaries you set for R to be considered going in the way?

At about a year, I was not reeling as bad from the pain and I was able to see that my XWH wasn't doing the work to be a safe partner. Six months later, he crossed my hard boundary and had inappropriate sexual contact with another female. I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary.

My adult children told me I should have left a long time ago. They saw the way their dad treated me and knew it was not right.

Is your WH's treatment of you a good model that you'd want your daughter to have?

Good grief. This could be my story. Bit I’m a BH with a WW. Sympathise/empathize. Will post again later.

Thank you for sharing this. Very similar first year after d day as well. I can relate to your situation and feelings.
I am closer to two years out now and I’m having more good days but still think about the affairs most of the day and every week seem to trigger a couple days where I want him gone. My WH has been doing so much too. Very transparent, agreed to polygraph, getting intense counseling. Let’s me talk about the A daily and is not rushing me to feel better. He gets it. But it’s still there and just makes me see the world differently. And not in a positive way.
Like you said I feel like choosing to stay or go is like choosing between two extremely painful options. For now I’m going to keep going in the relationship and hope that my healing progresses that longer he is consistent. Big hugs to you.

Is he doing the work to be a safe partner? What were the conditions or boundaries you set for R to be considered going in the way?

He is doing the work. He wasn't very good at it for a long time, and very much in the "fog" of affair withdrawal, shame, and depression. It's only in the past month or two that he's really gotten his head out of his ass, and that only happened after I asked for separation. We did an in-house separation for about a month, which definitely helped me.

I never set any conditions for R. I've been taking it day by day. I don't want to feel bound by any sort of "deal" and to feel like either of us can call it quits whenever we want. Honestly, at this point, I feel like that will be our relationship from here on out. No more fake lifetime commitment. Maybe that is bitterness or fear talking, but that's where my heart is at right now.

Is your WH's treatment of you a good model that you'd want your daughter to have?

I mean, if she knew the truth, not at all! But in our daily living, he's fine. Neither of us is abusive or angry. We don't fight (we never have). We are friendly, and we manage the household jointly as we have always done. He is more involved and engaged in our family life now than he was during his affair, so that's an improvement. He is really trying to become a better person. I just don't have a lot of faith that he can make lasting change. I also don't know if my own heart will ever recover from everything he put me through before and after dday.

Hello NoThanks, I am so sorry you find yourself here. I know you are looking for positive divorce stories. But there are also many negative divorce stories. Please consider that you could find yourself as a disabled middle-aged divorcee in a new, less expensive, part of town with no connections and feeling lonely and isolated, raising a possibly troubled and disoriented teen, with little financial support or job prospects. I don't think you need distance from WH as much as you need power. You have spent the past year in woes and you need to find some wins.

It sounds like you have safe and comfortable home, time for self-care, and a WH who is making signs of improvement, is helpful physically and financially. Use these resources!

Work on your health. Making any self-improvements is empowering mentally, be it exercise as your level, diet, training or occupational therapy related to regaining employment. Work on developing a life outside of your marriage. But also work on your marriage because it might work. They says performing acts of love fosters the feelings of love within us. SI says 2 years plus minimum before you can see the marriage forest through the infidelity trees. Schedule breaks from endless recovery work, (therapies, SI, etc.) as I found it can be an all encompassing trap. Get ready, get strong, breathe, and then divorce if that's what's best for you.

Regarding the One-Year since DD. It's a trigger. It's real but don't let a date on the calendar control you.

One last thought regarding the dead bedroom. If you want a sex life now or possibly in your future as a strong, independent woman, consider practicing with your husband. I know he doesn't deserve you or your body, but don't do it for him, do it for you. Use him.