SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Three weeks ago I found out that my husband of 22 years has been having online affairs for the past 10 years. Unfortunately my teenage daughter was the one who had to tell me as she saw him messaging her. I logged into the messaging app on his phone and discovered he has been messaging and emailing them multiple times a day every day for years. He calls them his mistresses. This has been going on in our house, while I’ve been sat opposite him and whilst we’ve been away for special occasions, even on our wedding anniversary. He’s even been messaging them when he’s been with our daughter. He’s been sharing sex chats, images, voice notes and videos. There is at least 50 women that I know of but I’m guessing over 10 years there’s probably even more. One woman he’s been messaging for the past 2.5 years and he has told her he loves her and would have to visit her if he could.

If it wasn’t bad enough finding out all of this the content of the messages is horrific. He has been sharing rape fantasies with this woman which involves her raping me and there are many messages and voice notes that I have had to endure the pain of listening to. I have heard such awful things said about me that no one should ever have to hear. He told her he wanted to defile me and abuse me whilst they gaze into each others and make love afterwards. I have heard him say these things in the voice notes. I can’t unhear what I’ve heard and when I close my eyes I see the awful things he said about me. I keep having flashbacks. He has also sent her intimate photos of me which just enhanced their fantasies and allowed his mistress to describe how she would abuse me. I feel violated and exposed. As if someone has read my personal diary. They have seen images of me that were only ever meant for my husband, the man I loved. I never imagined it possible that he could betray me like this. I am scared that people have looked at my photos and violated me in their minds. I’m also scared as to where the photos could end up online. As well as the intimate photos he has been sending women photos of my face so they know what I look like. He claims this is because he thought I was beautiful and wanted to show me off. He sent her porn videos acting out their fantasies and they imagined it was me in them being abused. I feel so vulnerable that these women know so much about me, what I look like, what clothes I wear and what our sex life is like yet I know very little of most of them, just that one of them fantasies about harming me.

He claims all of this is fantasy and make believe. Like interactive porn. He says he didn’t consider it cheating because it’s all online and he had no intention of meeting any of them in real life. He says he wanted to stop but couldn’t. He says the fantasies were just fantasies and he doesn’t want to hurt me in real life which I do believe but I still don’t know how he could say those words and get off on the fact that someone else wanted to do that to me. In one of the videos she said to him that she knows he loves me and doesn’t want to do this in real life so that is something. He says he had a connection with her and was able to open up to her but claims he didn’t love her. He said a lot of what he said to these women were lies and just what you say. I don’t know what to believe. I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I feel like he was supposed to protect me and I’ve been thrown to the wolves.

Day to day he is an amazing husband to me and the last person I ever thought would do this. Reading this he sounds like a monster but this isn’t the man I know. He’s a loving husband and father and would always tell me how much he loved and adored me. I have never had any reason to distrust him which I guess is how he’s got away with this for so long.

When I found out I threw him out and he so he’s not living at home. I am very worried him as he is at rock bottom and suicidal. He is extremely remorseful and ashamed and knows he has destroyed his life as well as mine.

Part of me still loves him and the other part of me despises him which is something I could have never thought possible. I feel like I love the person I thought he was and not who he really is. I don’t know this person. I think he’s a sex addict and a porn addict and became addicted to all of this and it just got darker and more twisted. I just can’t get over that he still made the choice to do this to me and destroyed our family. I feel like I’m in some alternative universe or a horror film because none of this feels real. It has tainted everything we’ve done over the last 10 years. I don’t know how I can ever recover from this. I know I deserve so much more than him but I also know I could never trust another person again so if we don’t reconcile I will be on my own forever. I also feel I’m a damaged person now and I have fundamentally changed as a person. I’m a shell of a person and I feel so vulnerable and alone.

Brokenandscared1

I am sorry for your pain after experiencing this. I have found the folks here to be the kindest and most compassionate I ever conversed with regarding the situation that you and I find ourselves in currently.

You are currently in hell. I hope that you will find a therapist to help you process what you are feeling. As impossible as it seems you will eventually feel better eventually.

When I found out I threw him out and he so he’s not living at home. I am very worried him as he is at rock bottom and suicidal. He is extremely remorseful and ashamed and knows he has destroyed his life as well as mine.

Do you feel he is currently at risk for suicide? If so he needs help immediately. Do you have people that can do well-check visits with him?

Part of me still loves him and the other part of me despises him which is something I could have never thought possible. I feel like I love the person I thought he was and not who he really is. I don’t know this person.

I said the exact same thing about my WW. I questioned every I love she said, every hug, every thoughtful card she gave me.

Day to day he is an amazing husband to me and the last person I ever thought would do this. Reading this he sounds like a monster but this isn’t the man I know. He’s a loving husband and father and would always tell me how much he loved and adored me. I have never had any reason to distrust him which I guess is how he’s got away with this for so long.

My understanding is that a WS is living in a fantasy world and getting high from the dopamine hits from such EAs and PAs as well as all the extra attention. It's likely that he loves you as much as he says and the devastation he is feeling since you found out is quite real. I myself was horrified and became physically sick when I found out about my WWs EA and PA back in 2009.

I did not have the best support network at the time and unfortunately, I confided in people that were not safe to share with. That caused additional problems because of my embarrassment and shame regarding her A.

I hope that you are getting taken care of by folks that love you. I hope you get into therapy, and I hope that your WH does as well.

How is your daughter (who notified you at first about your husband) doing? If you have other children how are they doing? I would think that seeing both parents in this state is very traumatic for them.

Wondayatatime

Thank you for your response and I’m sorry you have had to go through this too. I feel like I’ve joined a club no one wants to be in.

We do only have the one child. I have an appointment with a therapist next week to talk through all this. Although I have told people in real life about the affairs they don’t know about the content if the messages and I feel that if they did they would never look at my husband the same way again. Despite what he has done I can’t do that to him and I would never want to risk my daughter finding out the dark content of the messages. She knows that he has been having these affairs and exchanging photos and messages but she doesn’t know the ins and outs of it and I want to protect her as much as possible. Despite what he has done to me I don’t want him to lose his daughter and her to lose her dad. She however is disgusted with him and wants nothing to do with him and hadn’t spoken to him since it happened.

He made no real attempt to hide any of this. All the chats were on his phone and both me and our daughter knew his phone password so we could have looked at it at any time. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that she could have happened across this at any time and that he didn’t even think to try and hide it. I feel so naive and like an absolute fool that he knew I had such trust in him he didn’t even try to hide it.

You say he is living in a fantasy world and that is exactly how he sees all of this or he did. He says he felt it was escapism and role playing. But to me these are real people and real conversations and giving people my photos and them knowing about my life is not fantasy, it’s real. He’s invested time and energy in all of this that should have been spent with me. He always told me how beautiful I was and how he only ever wanted me but it was all lies. He lied and betrayed me everyday for 10 years.

Now reality has hit and he has to face up to what he has done and he says he is a monster and evil. He hates himself for this. However I know if he hadn’t been caught he would still be doing it.

Regarding him being suicidal I am regularly checking in on him. He doesn’t have anyone to support him in real life and he is too ashamed to reach out to family. I have told him he needs to get some therapy and I am trying to encourage him to do this.

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. The Healing Library has a lot of great information, including the list of acronyms we use. In the ICR (I Can Relate) forum, there are different threads you may find helpful.

If your WH (wayward husband) is suicidal, call the authorities.

It is cheating and he knows it's wrong. He hasn't been an amazing husband. If he'd spent the time and energy on you, your relationship and family rather than cheating on you, just think how much better things could have been. Plus, the content of his messages doesn't support a loving, healthy dynamic.

Frankly, your WH has something broken in him that needs a lot of help.

Leafields you’re right he hasn’t been an amazing husband. I just thought he was. It’s hard to reconcile how I thought of him with the person he really is.

I do agree that he needs professional help. He seems to think this is the wake up call he needs and that he can switch all this behaviour off but I don’t think it’s that simple.

File a police report NOW! You are in danger. Download everything you can and call the police immediately. You are living with a dangerous man who could also get your daughter hurt or killed as well due to his sick homicidal games! Please, seek legal advice and file for a restraining order on your and your daughter's behalf ASAP! Who knows what these women are capable of doing at his request!
(I say all this because my cheating mother killed my father when I was a teenager.) Please also talk to a counselor who deals specifically with domestic violence survivors. You are in danger and so is your daughter. Please do not disregard your or your daughter's safety.

Arklamiss I’m so sorry for what happened to you as a child.

The first few nights I found out. I felt scared to go to sleep. I felt like she might know where I live. I don’t think I’m in any danger though. The woman who said all of this to him lives in a different country to me and she doesn’t know my address.

I know how disturbing this all sounds but husband would never hurt me in real life I know that. I was in a violent relationship for 7 years before I met my husband and so I know what it looks like. However I do think what he’s done is a form of abuse. I don’t know if it it would be classed as emotional abuse or sexual abuse or what really but it does feel abusive.

He doesn't consider it cheating, yet called them his mistresses.

He says it was all make believe, except he sent them real pictures of you. These women know who you are,and where you are, and engaged in fantasies of raping and beating you. Any women who would do that is seriously unstable.

He has put you at great risk. He is dangerous. The man you thought you knew doesn't really exist. Because that man would never do this.

He is unsafe. He is dangerous. He's even put the kids at risk, because these women know where you live. He will say they don't. But anyone who knows how to do a reverse image google search can find you.

Run.

Broke and scared,
So sorry you had to find us. The first weeks are really such an alternate reality— this is normal. Expect your emotions to be all over the place, and change in the blink of an eye.

What is your WS doing? Is he booking an IC for himself? Did he change his phone number and block the apps he was using? Has he provided 100% transparency? Real rock bottom is when people start digging their way back up. Right now it sounds like he is full of regret and feeling bad that he got caught. When he starts thinking about you and your daughter is when he will start fixing his shit. Don’t listen to his words— watch his actions only. Words are easy and can mean nothing at all (as you sadly found out).

Also, this takes time, but try to see him for who he is. A man who disrespected you and your DD (darling daughter) over and over, sharing personal information that could endanger you both. And he did this with you both there. He was not an amazing husband and father- he just played the role of him well enough. Imagine how much of his time and energy he contributed to this. I’m not saying he can’t change — it will be a really really tough road for him, but not completely impossible. Time will tell. But until then, believe him as he has now shown you who he is right now and for the last 10 years.

And mostly, take care of you and your DD.
1) drink water, get exercise, eat healthy food, avoid drugs and alcohol. These will help your body and mind.
2) do whatever you need to feel safe. Change the locks, etc.
3) see your doctor and get full STD panel and demand he do the same. He says he has not been physical, but we know that cheaters lie and he has been lying for a very long time. You don’t want any surprises that affect your health. Also talk to your doctor if you are having trouble sleeping or with anxiety. .Many of us need a little medical help for the first year or so.
4) see a lawyer or 3. Not to file for D— you do not need to make that decision today or this month. But to understand what your rights are and what D would look like. Knowledge is power, and you need to remove those scary unknowns to help you regain your power. You do not need to tell him you are doing this.
5) Stay in IC (individual counseling).If your therapist is not a good fit, find another. This is a TRAUMA and you need help managing through it, especially with a history of abuse. Also lean on your friends and family IRL that you have confided in.
6) Get your daughter in IC too - she had to tell her mom that her dad is cheating. .This is really really tough and she needs an outlet. See if her school can recommend someone.
7) Read in the healing library and the posts here in the Just Found Out forum with bullseyes. (You may have to go back pages to find them.).
8) Keep posting. We are here and we understand your pain.

What is your financial situation? Can you live on your job alone? Share as much as you can comfortably so we advise accordingly.

And trust that you will heal from this. It will take longer than anyone wants and it will hurt for a long time, but you really will heal.

Regarding him being suicidal I am regularly checking in on him.

Stop. If he is truly suicidal, then the next time he says anything,call the authorities and tell them. They will get him the help he needs.

And..if he is using it to try to get you to let him home,and to not give him a hard time about this, if he sees that you will call for help, he will stop. Many,many ws use suicidal threats to get their BS to back off.

Yes..this is abuse. Extreme abuse. You said there were 50 women. Not all of them live in another country. And,again, I'm not trying to scare you,but they have pictures of your face. It's easy to find you.

Also..with the extent of his serial cheating..he's been with other women in real life. Men rarely engage in fantasies for years,amd not seek out a local woman.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:47 PM, Sunday, October 22nd]

Hellfire how can they find me from a reverse image search? I actually feel quite scared now. I’m not on facebook or any social media. The woman who said all this about me I’ve found her Facebook. She’s a grandmother, she seems normal and not like her messages. It seems you can never really know anyone.

You go to google, in the search bar,on the right,is a little square looking thing. You click it,it will take you to a page asking you to enter the image you want searched,and then it searches the internet,social media,etc, until it finds matching images. Not all of them will be you. There will be women who look similar. But if they find more than one image of you, it's pretty obvious it's you. They click on the picture, and follow the trail. Could be a picture you posted,or someone else.

I've used it to see if my husband had posted his picture on dating sites.

I'm sure you have family members who are on social media. If you are in any of the pictures they posted, the search will find them. Or a work function that pictures were taken and posted.

I'm not trying to scare you. I'm scared for you. I want you to be safe.

I can't imagine any woman engaging in this. She would have to be unstable. It's horrific.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:56 PM, Sunday, October 22nd]

Regardless, your husband is the most dangerous person to you. He's right there. He is who you need to be most concerned about.

Broken, he absolutely IS DANGEROUS and so are these women. He and they, all of them, are disturbed. Seriously disturbed. Not only that, but you do NOT know if he posted your name and address to them. Does he have life insurance on you? If so, how much? What if his plan all along has been to have some psycho kill you for money? You absolutely MUST file a report, turn over electronics and get him OUT of your house! NOW. I think you are confusing him for who you WANT him to be as opposed to who he actually is, which is a monster who may have dark and evil intentions. Please call law enforcement and call a women's shelter and lastly, meet with an attorney and sing like a canary to them all!

I’m so sorry this happened to you. Please read the pinned posts in this forum. Also remember that you’re in shock, so is he. But your greatest responsibility is to take care of you and your daughter. YOUR safety is paramount. Your husband SHARED his personal information with these women. He SHARED your real photo with them - and who knows what THEY did with those photos. You said yourself, "it seems you can never really know someone." Friend. No truer words spoken. You don’t know these women. You don’t know who THEY are connected to, affiliated with, who their associates are. You don’t even know IF they are truly women your husband has been talking to. How do you know they aren’t part of a human trafficking ring and the target is actually your daughter? He has put you and her in extreme danger. He brought this to your doorstep. If he’s suicidal - then call the authorities to do a welfare check on him. One of the most common ways for a wayward to ease back into the family home and/or to gain sympathy is to use suicidal ideation as a weapon. If he’s truly suicidal CALL the authorities and get him checked out. Don’t call his bluff - get the police involved.

You said:

…. how can they find me from a reverse image search? I actually feel quite scared now. I’m not on facebook or any social media.

Just because you don’t have a Facebook account or any social media accounts doesn’t mean you don’t have a digital footprint. Do you have an email? Your husband is active online, your daughter probably is too. Not to mention groups you may be affiliated with, schools, workplaces, public places. Your photo could have been posted by someone else - coworker, associate, acquaintance from your child’s school or his work or any number of places. Remember HE shared personal information with these people for years. People on the other end of a computer who may or may not have been using their real identities. You should be scared! This is probably the most reckless account of infidelity I’ve ever read on SI. I’m sorry for you, I really am. But mostly I’m scared for you. No wonder you feel violated and betrayed. It’s because you have been!! I would say what was he thinking?? but we all know the answer - he wasn’t thinking because he didn’t care. Just like all waywards. They just don’t care who they hurt because if they did, none of us would be here on this forum trying to heal and put our of lives back together. This is tough. Others will come along with more advice and suggestions. I’m just at a loss at what advice I can offer. I’m just appalled that ANY woman would engage in such behavior. It’s just so violating. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better that this. Please be safe. Please do what you can to protect yourself. He needs serious, serious help. And before I’d even consider reconciliation, he would need to spend a great deal of time trying to fix what’s broken in him that made him think it was okay to involve you, his WIFE, in rape fantasies with these other sick and twisted people. I mean I’m even of the opinion that he needs to stay away from the family home for the time being. I’m so sorry.

Please know.. nobody here thinks it's anything other than normal for you to be trying to rationalize what he's done. At this stage, you are in shock. And, due to horrific nature of his betrayals, you are deeply traumatized. You want to believe this isn't him. Because you love who you thought him to be. We all get that. All of it.

The intensity of our messages are because we are worried for you. For your safety.

I’ve looked at the reverse image search and searched some of the photos I know he sent of me but they don’t show anything up thankfully. I don’t know all the images be sent of me as he can’t remember. I’m not on social media but there is a small risk others could have put me online and you’re right I didn’t think of that.

I just rang him as I’m so freaked out over all of this and honestly he is getting kind of frustrated with me now. He says he knows if was just fantasy for this other woman and that she doesn’t want to hurt me in real life. He said as he has been speaking to her for 2.5 years he knows her and knows she won’t do anything to harm me. He says she doesn’t know where he lives or where he works but I am worried as in some of the photos he sent her of himself he had his work jacket on with his company logo. He also isn’t able to remember anything and he can’t truly remember what he’s sent her. He says he’s reached rock bottom and can’t keep going over this with me as there’s no conclusion to it and he feels like he’s on merry go round of misery. He isn’t living at home, I kicked him out when it happened.

There is no life insurance on me and I know he doesn’t want to harm me in real life. I know that for sure. He has some very sick depraved fantasies but he wouldn’t hurt me. I’m not scared of him but it does scare me that the other woman wants to do this to me and that he got off on that. They romanticised the whole thing and talked about gazing into each others eyes after doing such awful things to me. That’s what makes it even sicker to me. That it wasn’t just about the sex but that it was romantic to them. But he says it’s just role play and didn’t mean anything.

I can’t contact the police as I stupidly created a Facebook account and sent the woman screenshots of the messages she sent him about raping me and said how would she like it if her friends and family knew? I wouldn’t sent it to them but I just wanted to scare her I guess… to make her feel as scared as I do. And maybe I was hoping that she would reply and apologise and offer some explanation but she has ignored me and now I’m worried I could get into trouble for it.

So he expects you to think that he knows this woman because he's talked to her for 2.5 years...yet you've been married to this man for 22 years, and you had no idea this sick side of him. He's been doing this for 10 years..he spoke to you every day..yet he was capable of deceiving you like this. He expects you to believe he knows her so well..this woman who doesn't know his last name,or where he lives?

You might want to remind him that people can hide a dark side..even online people he has never met.

He's already telling you he can't keep talking about it. In order to attempt reconciliation, if you go that way, he would have to be open to talking about it for years. To you and a therapist. So he is already telling you he is incapable of reconciliation.

You can't get in any trouble for that.

Don't contact her again. Anything she says will be a lie,and will only further traumatize you.

Her husband deserves to know his wife has been unfaithful.

As far as finances are concerned he doesn’t want anything and says I can have it all. He has transferred me all of our savings. He says he will pay our mortgage and I can have the house. He says he doesn’t deserve anything.

Yes he has deleted all the apps he used to contact the women. He is going to have IC but this is at my request. He doesn’t think he needs it. He hasn’t been transparent no. Everything I have found out has been because I’ve had dig for it and look for it online. He says this is because he can’t remember which may be somewhat true as he has an awful memory. I think most of these women meant nothing to him so he really doesn’t remember a lot of them.

Regarding the rape fantasies as far as I’m aware it was only the mistress of 2.5 years who engaged in all this chat with him. The others I don’t think they did. None of the other messages I have read between him and the other women were like this. He said he has also only had these fantasies for 2.5 years since talking to this particular woman. He said it got darker and darker with her and they would egg each other on. He did send my photos to a few other women but he says it’s just because he thought I was beautiful and wanted to show me off.

I do see that he disrespected me. I told him he has no respect for me and he says he does in real life but not online. He says he loves me but I don’t think he loves me enough as you don’t do this to someone you are supposed to love. I don’t believe he has had a PA with anyone. He is far too self conscious. I think this felt like a safe option to him and he felt he could create an online persona that he can’t be in real life.

With regards to what he was thinking it seems he gave it very little thought over the years. He says it was just part of his routine, something he did each day but that wasn’t real to him. He never gave it any real thought as to what the repercussions would be or how dangerous this behaviour is. He has always been impulsive and tends to do things without thinking. I think he got addicted to the buzz of it and the attention from all these women. When I played him the messages of what he said he screamed and punched himself. He was beside himself and said he couldn’t believe he said it.