SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On July 13th I found out my WH had been cheating on me and drinking excessively for a few months, he confessed the infidelity to me while I was 38 weeks pregnant, he had been sexting and talking regularly with another woman, I asked him to cease conversations with the other until we figured things out between us to what he agreed. I wanted to work things out to what he told me he did not know how he felt about me, he didn’t know if it was worth restoring the relationship and that he was emotionally evolve with the other. He treated me poorly, continued lying to me and drinking excessively until he finally left the house on July 26 and limited contact with me. I gave birth to our child on July 30th. The week after our daughter was born I attempted to resume conversations with him to work things out, however in our last conversation he turned aggressive, yelling at me, mocking me and with implicit threats of kicking me out of our home on grounds that he never added my name on the title of the property and that the house did not belong to me in any sense. I did not pursue further conversations after this, being scared of his reaction and being kicked out of the house.

All this situation caused me severe emotional distress for which I had to be seen by Dr. on august 13th and was prescribed with antidepressants.

By the end of August he began looking more like himself, he began treating me better and trying to spend time with me; hugging me and talking about day to day stuff which I was completely confused by, I did not understand why he pretended like nothing happened. I kept being short and maintaining my distance.

On September 2nd he returned to the house and turned aggressive, he was throwing stuff and harming himself by punching furniture and himself in the face. The reason of his frustration was the fact that I was not corresponding his love as he wanted and he was upset that I sought emotional support from our friends and now all his friends were judging him. He told me he wasn’t talking with anyone anymore and that he loved me.

On September 3rd my daughter and I travel to Mexico where I’m originally from he told me to take this time to think if I can give him another chance.

When I came back I found out again that he remain talking with the other woman, and when I confronted him about that he told me he never ceases conversations and that his feelings for her have grown even more and that he loved her, even when he said he wanted to work things out with me and still love me.. but that she was the only one he trusted and truly understood him. That he would be willing to cease communication with her if I gave him another chance. To what I said no, I could not believe I was betrayed and lied to once again. He also confessed that going on anonymous chats have always been a constant in his life.. this was an escape for him and he did it even before we met. I was doing better emotionally but this last hit even harder and I’m even more depressed than I was before, I cannot eat, sleep or function normally. I’m trapped in the fact that he is in love with the other and says that he loves her even after not having met her in person once.. when we’ve been together for 10 years and were so in love. I’m trying to understand what happened? What is their relationship like? What do they talk about? How much? He keeps saying they don’t have plans to meet in person or to be together but I don’t believe anything he says anymore and it doesn’t matter because he is gonna do what he is gonna do.. can he really be so emotionally attached to her and so in love that he was willing to leave me? Could he be having an emotional crisis? Why did he act like that? Is it just that he is in love? I am looking for so many answers but when I try to talk to him he tells me he doesn’t know and he is confused too. Can someone relate to this situation?

I'm so sorry. He's been incredibly abusive.

To see what the messages said, you could call her husband and tell him about the affair, and ask him to send you a copy of the messages.

Don't tell your husband. He will warn her,and you will hit a dead end.

Regardless, her husband deserves to know.

Welcome to SI and so sorry that you've had to join us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that you might find helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of information and includes a list of the acronyms we use. I suggest that you read about the 180 and start to implement it. The 180 is to help you detach from your WH (wayward husband) so you're able to get your bearings back.

If you are able to go, IC (individual counseling) with a betrayal trauma specialist is very helpful. One of the reasons why you are having trouble thinking is due to the trauma of the betrayal, and from the emotional abuse.

His threats to kick you out, then being lovey-dovey and acting like nothing is wrong, to whatever - those are actions that are meant to mess with your emotions. It can also cause trauma bonding, which adds another layer to the things you'll need to work through.

What is their relationship like? Totally false and built on fairy tales, a UnicornFartLand of sorts. She's not stuck picking up his dirty socks and doing laundry, and their not discussing things like the car needs new tires, the electric bill is due next week and what should we get your mom for her birthday next month.

He needs IC, to start looking at his issues, and find better coping skills than cheating on his family.

This true emotional abuse. This is what is done to prisoner of war. You can’t stop it, you can’t fix it. Unlike POW you can leave. Please do.
There is a wonderful saying by Maya Angelou that if someone tells/shows you who they are believe them the first time. He has shown you terrible disrespect and is harming you and you need to believe him. He is not a good guy.

This is a man child with mental health issues. (imo) You can't fix him and he can't change without SERIOUS help and I doubt he'd be open to getting it. Think very carefully about whether you want to raise a child in this environment. I would suggest individual therapy for you. NOT marriage counseling. I'd like you to explore what you expect in a relationship and if this relationship is giving you what you need.

I'll be very honest; with some people it's very clear that they can do the work and repair the relationship if the BS is open to it. Other times, it's not so clear but there is a chance. In your husband's case, (in my opinion only) I feel it's quite clear that he more than likely can't and won't change, and that if you stay, you can expect more of the same over your time together. I suspect there's been some big red flags over the years, and that looking back now, you can see them for what they were.

If you do decide to stay together, please don't do it "for the child" as you will not be doing that baby any favors. I am so sad that you are dealing with this during and after your pregnancy. I was in a similar position and had to make some hard choices. I chose me, and my children (I had three at the time) are better off for it.

You are stronger than you know. Talk to an attorney about what a divorce would look like for you. If you do decide to stay with this guy, make it a condition that he puts you on the title to the property before you will even consider taking him back. And don't let him make excuses.

Welcome here little sister...

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. It's okay to be confused, frightened, upset, and angry with all of this. Please make sure to take care of yourself - diet, exercise, sleep are all important factors in your wellbeing and in being the best that you can for your daughter. Consult your doctor and a counselor if you need to, and consider consulting a lawyer to find out what rights you have in this situation. Also, read up in the Healing Library where's there's a number of articles that will help you to process through everything that is going on. And keep posting here as much as you need.

In light of how terrifying and confusing this is, I have one question for you. If your dear daughter were in the exact same position, knowing what you know, what would you want her to do? Sometimes it can be helpful to reframe like this, to better understand where we truly are when feeling lost.

Many of his behaviours are abusive. You and your daughter do deserve better than this. Your WH may or may not be capable of being that person, but you have to think about how to protect what is important to you.

There is one thing and one thing alone that you can do to get out of the pain. And that is to commit to your wellbeing. This means understanding that healing is a process and will take time and effort and commitment. This means understanding that you have rights and that you don't deserve to passive endure this type of behaviour. This means focussing on the choices you make and what you can control. This means setting boundaries for what you will or will not tolerate and being willing to enforce them. And finally this means understanding that you are strong and smart and capable, and that you do deserve to love yourself. I can't say whether that will result in divorce or reconciling, but if you can keep faith in yourself and stay true to your values, then I can promise you one thing.

You're gonna be okay.

I'm sorry you had to find us. He is very emotionally abusive, don't buy his crap of kicking you out it's a means to control you. I would recommend a consultation with an attorney to explore your options and rights. Your WH is fence sitting, he needs to be pushed off the fence. If the OW is married please notify her BH and do not threaten to do it or inform him you are doing it. I'm sorry he's done this and you will get through it. Best wishes.

The betrayal is really difficult. The back and the forth when he wants you one minute and doesn't the next is also really difficult. My first ex did that 3 times and when he started to do it a 4th time, with the 11th woman he told me about, I walked away and divorced him because the infidelity on his part did not appear to ever stop.