SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've recently discovered my husband is back to watching a lot of porn. I've not felt well for a few months,but this has been going on for well over a year.

To piggyback onto another thread here..

I'd like to ask the men here what they are thinking when they watch porn,while taking care of themselves.

We have had more than enough debates over porn here. I'd really appreciate it if this thread didn't turn into that.

I'm not asking why you watch porn. I'd appreciate it if those who don't approve of porn, stayed off this thread. I don't want this to become a discussion on the harmful affects of porn.

I really would like to just stick to the question, and only this question. I really want to know. And,while I know the answers may trigger some of us,I'm asking those people not to respond. We learn more when we listen. Of course,I know the answers will vary,and no one here can tell.me what my husband is thinking. I'm extremely curious.

Men..and please,just the men, what do you think about? Please be honest, no judgement.

Thank you.

Most likely, putting myself into the scene, vicariously experiencing whatever I’m seeing.

Most likely, putting myself into the scene, vicariously experiencing whatever I’m seeing.

I think Wiseoldfool nailed it for me. It is an escape and a fantasy and you are imagining yourself to be the guy on the other side of the screen and living through him. When you are in that moment, there isn't a lot of other thoughts going on except the mission.

I don’t imaging it happening to me, I just get turned on by just watching. I’d much rather have sex witn my wife, but her sex drive has crashed and mine hasn’t and she doesn’t seem to mind a near sexless relationship.

Awkward question.. For context: I’m not a porn aficionado, but would say that I look at a rather narrow band of video, written literature or nude art photos if I’m using it. I’d say that the subject matter that interests me is probably pretty widely varied - but would be consistently themed as sensual or erotic as opposed to graphic, consensual as opposed to circumstantial cheating, and participant-respectful as opposed to anything that remotely speaks to humiliation. If I’m using it for self pleasure, I’m not thinking about myself in the scenarios - but WOULD be thinking about the sexy confidence of the characters, the erotic buildup/enticement and the passionate sex that the characters mutually want and enjoy. It’s the strong and deliberate connection/passion or confidence that’s arousing to me. It’s an ideal - and obviously not what most real sex is like - but it’s good material to use for self-dating.
It’s also not a ‘get off’ thing for me every time. It’s been a good tool for revving up. My wife and I trade some erotic photography in texts from time to time. (Sensual/sexy stuff we come across - not of each other). I’ve been writing chapters of an erotic story to her for a few years (that’s probably novel-length by now), which is also shared privately between just us. We’ve also watched just about every mainstream ‘sexy’ cable show or movie together (think 50 shades, 365 days, sex/life) which has been mutually arousing - but the infidelity themes that pop up in some of it sort of derail my sensual mind. That’s the problem with needing a plot to flesh out a two hour movie - infidelity is usually the conflict for the plot development. We’ve recently talked about viewing video porn together - and have mutual interest in that - but our college graduate is back home for a while. Additionally (and this is kind of funny) that as open as we are in other areas , and as much as we’ve brought sex and intimacy into regular conversation - we’re also both apparently a little afraid to say "this is what I like". One of us will make the first move one of these days.

I don’t imaging it happening to me, I just get turned on by just watching.

there isn't a lot of other thoughts going on except the mission.

About sums it up.

- If the video is good, I can empathise with it like with a good movie.

- I don't have to focus on someone else.

- A little resentment that I feel the need to lower myself to watch other people.

[This message edited by Potentialforevil at 8:23 PM, Monday, October 16th]

Porn is similar to a video game for me. An alternate reality where I can immerse myself completely in my own whims. It's more about what I'm not thinking than what I'm actually thinking.

Men are primarily visual creatures, so porn is like having a back scratcher handy. Sometimes you just can't reach the spot on your own...

Probably not the response you are looking for; but, my wife and I both watch porn=training films.

[This message edited by atomic_mess at 3:32 AM, Tuesday, October 17th]

The psychologist my XWH saw way back in the day told me (yes, a release of info was on file) that my XWH used it for 2 reasons. It was a way that he could selfishly take care of his own needs and ignore building on the intimacy of our relationship, and it was his self-soothing mechanism.

When I watch porn, I'm generally focused on enjoying the physical sensations and having an orgasm.

Honestly, I'm confused over the question. It would be like asking me what I'm thinking about while driving (the road and all of the idiots I'm forced to share it with).

Is there something else you're wondering about? Is there a way to rephrase the question?

When I watch porn, I'm generally focused on enjoying the physical sensations and having an orgasm.

First of all HellFire I'm sorry this subject might be difficult for you and I hope the honest answers on here help you in some way.

I rarely watch porn now and haven't done regularly for many years but when I do I don't specifically think of anything. I have a particular favourite genre (very soft and sensual unlike the usual macho male stuff! ) and I just use that visually together with the physical sensations to get off. I don't imagine I'm actually involved in it in any way. Rather than thinking about anything it's actually pretty mindless to be honest!

I usually fess up to my wife when I do watch porn and she doesn't have an issue with it, in fact she'd be quite happy to watch it with me but that would just feel weird. Maybe I'm just weird?

So back to you HellFire...what do you think men are thinking and what is it you're hoping to hear from us?

Before my wife’s affair, I watched it and injected myself and my wife into the scene. She never really seemed to like sex, and as our sex life deteriorated, I would enjoy sex with her through the fantasy of imagining what I was watching was actually the two of us. Now, post affair, when I do watch it (which is way less often) it’s to fantasize what sex would be like with someone else since that’s what she did. I just can’t cross that line of actually doing it with another person while I’m still married.

Usually I'm just looking at it as visual stimulus without any fantasy behind it. Women's bodies are aesthetically pleasing and sexually stimulating without imagining any particular scenario with that specific person. I think about what I like or don't like about the women. I enjoy seeing the variety of attractive women but I don't desire them in real life. It has never made me less satisfied or desirous of my W, if that's your concern.

The sad thing as a BS is that when I do create a fantasy around it I have never been able to fantasize about other women, with or without porn as an aid, without creating some scenario where it wasn't cheating. Maybe my W wanted to participate, or watch, or just wanted to please me, or even do a favor for a friend. That was true before during and after my W's A.

I once tried to brew up a revenge fantasy just because I was angry that day and found myself sneaking in that she wanted me to do it as a way to even things out.

Very quickly, because I don't want this thread to be about me,I will answer a few questions.

Basically, I wanted to see if anyone said what my husband once told me. He said he thinks about me,while watching porn. That he doesn't imagine I'm in the girl's place on the screen,but that he thinks about me,and what we do together. While watching the girl on the screen. I find that hard to believe. I mean, why not just have sex with me? In the last few months I've been ill,so sex is rare. He said this quite awhile ago,when we had an active sex life. For the last 20+ years,I've never said no.(minus illness,and,of course after giving birth) I was a willing,enthusiastic partner. Yet he still used porn very regularly. Very. If he wanted to think of me during his viewing, it's not as if he doesn't have videos and pics of me(please no judgement). So I don't believe him. I was curious if any other man would say what he said.

I appreciate the men who have been brave enough to answer my question. I know it was super personal.

With my marriage falling apart,I'm just analyzing everything.

I think that's common enough. BTDT. You're not the first BW to write about it.