...it doesn’t matter what I do I can’t change the happiness of this man I’m married to.
I want to support him, but to what extent? How far from my own happiness am I supposed to be to accommodate someone I think will never be happy?
Can you provide a little more detail about what you think or he thinks he needs to be happy?
I worry that he's convinced you that he betrayed you because he was "unhappy" or that he "needs" to maintain "friendships" with the women for his happiness. Am I drawing incorrect conclusions?
I decided to reconcile (this is after over a year of him lying and cheating, emotionally and physically)...After we reconciled I grew to love him again.
Gently, reconciliation is a process more than a decision, and maybe that's why you are struggling.
You can decide to give reconciliation a chance, but actually being reconciled requires your WH to do the work to become a safe partner to you, and for him to do the work to help heal the relationship, and for you to give yourself time to heal from the trauma of betrayal.
What has your WH done to explore the deeper reasons why he chose to cheat? What has he done to grow as a person so that he won't make those choices again?
What has he done to reduce his self-centered thinking and grow his ability to empathize with how his choices either build or damage your marriage?
How would HE feel of you continued to maintain "friendships" with boyfriends you had on the side while married? Would he be cool with that, because...you know, happiness for you?? I don't think so.
If he is still contacting the girlfriends that he had while married to you, you aren't in reconciliation. You're still in infidelity. That's harsh, I know.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.
Love is an action, not just a word or a feeling. His actions with you aren't loving; they are emotionally abusive, and you're feeling that.
Your love for him shouldn't be measured by your capacity to give ground and endure pain.
It's okay to draw a line and say, I have to love myself and care for myself. Time for some self care.
If you can't make any decisions now, it's okay. But take care of you.
You deserve so much better.
[This message edited by BreakingBad at 1:24 PM, Saturday, October 14th]