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Newest Member: notsureifishouldbehere

Just Found Out :
Confused, distracted and sad

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Sophiemagic (original poster new member #83933) posted at 4:44 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

Details:
Four weeks ago I found out that within a four year time frame between 2017-2021, my husband received 9 happy endings at sensual massage parlors at home and while on business trips. I have felt so sick, disoriented and like my marriage is a lie.

In 2019, he began going to a men’s group because he realized that this was a problem for him. He had a slip in 2021 and got another happy ending. He told his men’s group right away to keep himself honest. He has also been going to an individual counselor and has a sponsor in an Alanon group. He does not feel this is an addiction but it sure sounds like a compulsion to me. He told me it happened when he was feeling lonely, sad, angry, etc. I also know that he enjoyed the variety and maybe the danger element.

I found out because I asked him have you been faithful? That is when he told me about the visits. Both of my children have just left for college and we are empty nesters for the first time. We were just about to start couples counseling and my husband told me that he was hoping to wait until we started counseling to tell me about the massages.

What I know:These visits happened during a time of great stress with family and work. Our sex life has been generally lacking for seven years. I have struggled with our sex life because it lacks emotional intimacy although we have been very drawn physically to each other.

There is a history of lying around sex before we got married. When we were long distance dating he slept with someone and lied about it. He also slept with six women and got "happy endings, etc" from two sex workers before we were married and were broken up. He lied about these sexual encounters until we had moved in together and then came clean.

In his twenties he was in a sexless marriage (his first wife had been raped), rarely had sex and rarely masturbated. He says these hang ups came from his Catholic upbringing. He has been the "golden child",nice guy, highly perfectionistic and struggles to express negative emotions.

His first experience with sex happened for 2 years starting at 13 with a girl he feels was likely sexually abused. Most nights for two years they slept together and did not have intercourse but had oral and hand stimulation. These experiences came before he had even had a wet dream on his own.

I just don’t know what to do. He is doing his work. I am also doing work/counseling. I have not been getting my own sexual needs met in this relationship which is very frustrating. I wish we had gone to a sex therapist early in our marriage but kids, sick parents, and financial issues got in the way and here we are…

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8810195
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:37 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

Hi Sophie, welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the forum that are very helpful. Also, the Healing Library has a lot of great information and includes the list of acronyms we use.

Your WH (wayward husband) needs to do some digging to figure out why he allowed himself to become unfaithful. It isn't anything you did or didn't do. His own decisions led to his behavior.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a primer that he can use to help you heal. It's a fairly short read, and I suggest you read it, too. Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It's much longer and goes into her research, but has a lot of great information.

We usually suggest that you do IF (individual counseling) and heal before you do MC (marriage counseling) because the MC is there to treat the M (marriage). Your M didn't cheat, your WH did. Also, many MC's can shift the blame to the BS (betrayed spouse) by saying the WS's unmet needs were part of the issue. As you've had your own unmet needs, you know this is untrue.

This is a time to practice self-care and to give yourself grace as you work through this. We talk about an emotional roller coaster, and it can take you for a ride at any time.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3482   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8810199
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 7:04 AM on Monday, October 2nd, 2023

I’m sorry you continue to face this issue.

He has an addiction or issue in that he uses sex as his "go to" response.

Not sure what you can do about it, if anything.

I hope you get some counseling and figure out a way to heal.

I’m not saying D him and I’m not saying stay with him. I’m saying figure out what is the best solution for you going forward. Maybe right now it’s time to stop putting your marriage first and start putting yourself first.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:05 AM, Monday, October 2nd]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13950   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8810205
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 Sophiemagic (original poster new member #83933) posted at 12:17 AM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

Hello,
I am responding with a question about the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Would this book be appropriate for me as my husband went to sex workers repeatedly but did not have an affair. I am getting confused about what is the best way to go in this situation as I am relating more to the experiences of spouses of sex addicts than affairs. Thank you

posts: 4   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2023   ·   location: US
id 8811194
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ForgiveOrAccept ( new member #83866) posted at 2:55 AM on Wednesday, October 11th, 2023

Hi Sophie,

I'm so sorry you're in this situation, but you've found a very supportive and helpful group.

My WH confessed to me 2.5 months ago that he got a happy ending on July 22. He told me what he did 1 week later, though he trickle truthed some details. I get what you mean about it not being an 'affair', but the betrayal is real and the breaking of trust is painful. My WH read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald, as leafields recommended, and I read it after him. I think that is a really helpful resource with specific action items on how to move forward productively, if you do in fact want to R. I have gone between hurt, angry, depressed, numb, disgusted..all the things.

Do you believe you can trust your WH again? Is he remorseful, regretful, apologetic, wanting to work through this in a truthful way? I suggest taking the time to figure out if you can feel safe in your marriage again. It's been about 2.5 months for me and I'm still not 100% certain I want to stay in my M, even though I fully believe my WH won't betray me again. My issue is that I see him differently and have lost respect for him. My worry is that I'm accepting a 'lesser' marriage because I loved our marriage before this happened and now I feel like everything is tarnished, even though my WH is doing all the work to make things right.

Only each of us will fully understand what our own situation and feelings are, so please give yourself the time and grace to figure out your path.

posts: 10   ·   registered: Sep. 13th, 2023   ·   location: NY
id 8811205
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 3:29 AM on Thursday, October 12th, 2023

While your husband has cheated with non-emotional behavior in his affairs, he is still cheating.

What you need to decide is how you are going to work on you. What is your future apart from your H and your marriage?

You seem to want to R which is fine. But I would hate to see another Dday. Towards that end I think you need to figure out how to remain married to someone who may cheat again or decide what your path is and if separation may be possible.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13950   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8811290
Topic is Sleeping.
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