Four weeks ago I found out that within a four year time frame between 2017-2021, my husband received 9 happy endings at sensual massage parlors at home and while on business trips. I have felt so sick, disoriented and like my marriage is a lie.
In 2019, he began going to a men’s group because he realized that this was a problem for him. He had a slip in 2021 and got another happy ending. He told his men’s group right away to keep himself honest. He has also been going to an individual counselor and has a sponsor in an Alanon group. He does not feel this is an addiction but it sure sounds like a compulsion to me. He told me it happened when he was feeling lonely, sad, angry, etc. I also know that he enjoyed the variety and maybe the danger element.
I found out because I asked him have you been faithful? That is when he told me about the visits. Both of my children have just left for college and we are empty nesters for the first time. We were just about to start couples counseling and my husband told me that he was hoping to wait until we started counseling to tell me about the massages.
What I know:These visits happened during a time of great stress with family and work. Our sex life has been generally lacking for seven years. I have struggled with our sex life because it lacks emotional intimacy although we have been very drawn physically to each other.
There is a history of lying around sex before we got married. When we were long distance dating he slept with someone and lied about it. He also slept with six women and got "happy endings, etc" from two sex workers before we were married and were broken up. He lied about these sexual encounters until we had moved in together and then came clean.
In his twenties he was in a sexless marriage (his first wife had been raped), rarely had sex and rarely masturbated. He says these hang ups came from his Catholic upbringing. He has been the "golden child",nice guy, highly perfectionistic and struggles to express negative emotions.
His first experience with sex happened for 2 years starting at 13 with a girl he feels was likely sexually abused. Most nights for two years they slept together and did not have intercourse but had oral and hand stimulation. These experiences came before he had even had a wet dream on his own.
I just don’t know what to do. He is doing his work. I am also doing work/counseling. I have not been getting my own sexual needs met in this relationship which is very frustrating. I wish we had gone to a sex therapist early in our marriage but kids, sick parents, and financial issues got in the way and here we are…