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Newest Member: Elise1

Divorce/Separation :
Submitting the divorce

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Daffy23 (original poster new member #83926) posted at 2:59 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

I found out 5 months ago my WH had an affair. After trying to reconcile I found out after 3 months that it was with his best friends wife. That was the end for me after he spun lie after lie. So now I want to divorce because we need to sell the house. So I need the divorce to sort out the finances. However I’m struggling to actually do it because it just feels too soon. I don’t know why I feel like this. I do still love him and we have children together so I am still seeing him a lot. I know he is a manipulative person but I just want to believe his lies so much but I know it’s not healthy. Has anyone got any reassurance and advice on how to get through this and finally pull the trigger?

[This message edited by Daffy23 at 3:09 PM, Wednesday, September 27th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2023
id 8809577
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:12 PM on Wednesday, September 27th, 2023

Welcome to SI and sorry that you had to find us. I want to point out the Healing Library, which has the list of the acronyms we use, as a place with a bunch of information that is helpful.

If he's a manipulator, there's an extra layer of healing you'll need to go through. My XWH is a covert narc, and his MO is to lie and manipulate. Dr. Ramani has a series of videos on YouTube that I found helpful. She has quite a few videos on manipulation and lying, and what it does to you as a survivor of this type of abuse. This causes your brain to feel kind of scrambled, and you have difficulty making decisions.

In the Healing Library is an article or two on the 180. You should implement this to help you gain some emotional distance from your WH. Staying in contact, unless it's essential for your children or D, only hurts you in the long run.

Take some time to process, but possibly give yourself a deadline.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3460   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8809604
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Iamenough666 ( member #83217) posted at 7:13 AM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Welcome to SI and yes the thought of D is very scary. Post Dday I wanted to R but my STBXWW did not and instead moved out of our family home to live with AP. For me that was the trigger that I was not going to take any more and within 3 weeks I had filed for D, so less than 3 months from Dday to filing.

At times it did feel too soon and to be honest I am not that bothered about the D, BUT, and this is a huge but, I want to sort out my financial situation and this can only be achieved if I push the D through as soon as possible and get the financial arrangement legally sorted, hence my motivation to drive this as quickly as UK laws will allow.

One piece of advice given to me by members of this site was that filing the D is not the same as the D being finalised. The D from start to finish takes a long time and you can stop this process at any point if that is what YOU want, perhaps if your WH convinced you through his actions that he was able to do the work and become a safe partner.

For myself the thought of D and living alone was very very scary, I knew for certain that it was too much responsibility and that I could not cope. Turns out that these fears were wrong, I was already doing far more than I realised and have found that it is much easier than I imagined, I also learned that I was much stronger than myself or my friends realised, and I am much happier with my current situation than being in the M that I was in. I am more relaxed and have much less stress, I also now know what I want from a relationship and will be mindful of this in the future. Although I was terrified and seperating was the last thing I wanted, it has turned out to be so much better for me than I ever imagined. Sometimes fear of the unknown is the one thing that stops us doing what we know we want.

Best wishes to you whatever path you decide to take.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8810579
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:19 PM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

Has anyone got any reassurance and advice on how to get through this and finally pull the trigger?

The path is windy and uncertain but I found signs all along the way that I was making the right decision. Any time I felt a tinge of waver, there was some new evidence that popped up, etc.

That said, I spent YEARS wanting to believe him. It was an unhealthy path. Finding SI turned it around for me.

My only regret was not doing it sooner.

That was the end for me after he spun lie after lie.

Anytime you are feeling confused, etc. Just remember what he did was a dealbreaker for you.

Get back up, dust off and refocus.

It is a long road of windy emotions but it gets better.

posts: 6895   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8810589
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, October 5th, 2023

It is very hard to pull the trigger when your heart and mind are not in sync.

The challenge is always going to be what is best for you when you are at this crossroads and you are getting conflicting answers.

Maybe some professional advice will help you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13945   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8810631
Topic is Sleeping.
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