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I am trying to save my marriage and WH is refusing to discuss his EA/PH and timeline etc while acting like everything is all okay now and this is or was a huge mistake. This lack of being open etc is a huge red flag and I thnk I am in fake reconciliation.

A couple of months ago he seemed desperate for me to be either okay with him going off with AP or him continuing to live with me and see AP. On both counts I gave made it really clear neither-are acceptable and I would be devastated and hate him for eternity.
He really doesn’t seem to get why I would hate him and is upset that I would feel these things and I am struggling to understand his insane view. I keep doing all I can do to make him understand he will be hurting me and I am doing a soft version of 180 whilst trying to be the best version of myself I can. I am utterly heartbroken. My question is why is he do desperate to be my friend?

And here we have a textbook cake-eater, ladies and gentlemen. He wants to have your cake and eat the AP's cake too, and why should he have to pick just one? Don't be so mean! Also, it might hurt the AP's feelings if he breaks up with her, and he can't do that! /S

Are you ready to make the decision for him by taking your cake off the table?

Are you ready to stop being soft with him?

Stop trying to make him understand. He absolutely understands. He just doesn't care.

You have an unremorseful ws. Even worse, he continues to show a blatant disregard for you.

The only way you will you will heal in this environment, is to completely detach,and work on yourself.

He is sitting on the fence, he wants to keep you on as a fall back, but also wants you to be okay with it. He doesn't care how much this hurts you because he is selfish and doesn't care how it hurts you. Push him off the fence, make the decision for him, and go HARD 180. Until he gets a dose of reality he will continue living in LaLa land, do not support this, 180 means to turn and go the opposite direction, leave him on the other side of the fence.

I am trying to save my marriage and WH is refusing to discuss his EA/PH and timeline etc while acting like everything is all okay now and this is or was a huge mistake. This lack of being open etc is a huge red flag and I thnk I am in fake reconciliation.

A couple of months ago he seemed desperate for me to be either okay with him going off with AP or him continuing to live with me and see AP. On both counts I gave made it really clear neither-are acceptable and I would be devastated and hate him for eternity.

None of us can make this out more clearly than you have Dear Lady. Judging from what YOU wrote...you already KNOW what is going on. You just can't let go of the outcome. MANY of us know this feeling all too well (((HUGS))).

There is a saying on here...you have to be willing to LOSE the marriage in order to SAVE it. NO M can be saved if BOTH partners aren't ALL IN. It's really that simple. Your M can't be saved until your WH is ready to be ALL IN. He won't EVER change unless he WANTS to. Why would he want to change...he seems to be having it pretty good right now.

I was desperate to save my 1st M. I did the pick-me-dance like a PRO...and I WON...my H came back to me. Only...I caught him about 2 years later with another adultery co-conspirator. He left me for her...and their lurve affair lasted about 2 weeks before he started talking about coming back. You would think I would have said NO...but I didn't. Even though we never lived together again...I kept being his booty call...until he found another "shiny". You would think I would have said NO to him using me like that...but I didn't. I KNEW that if I showed him how MUCH I LOVED him...he would see me as THE ONE...and we would live happily ever after. That SURE didn't happen . It wasn't until I started dating the man who became my 2nd H that my 1st H FINALLY decided I was THE ONE . By that time it was too little too late. DON'T...BE...ME!

Well...don't be me in THAT case . When my 2nd H confessed to his A after 28 years of M...I IMMEDIATELY told him our M was OVER. I was NOT going to live like that AGAIN!! This time...there was NO pick-me-dance. It NEVER works. NEVER. There was actually NO emotion whatsoever...just a matter of fact statement before I got up to leave the room. I told him to contact the adultery co-conspirator in her country so that they could start making plans for their relationship because ours was DONE.

Within an hour of that...we were talking about R...but it was ALL on MY terms . That LIMBO state is HELL...and I feel so bad that you are in it right now (((HUGS))). Gently...this hellish place you are in is because you are allowing it. If this is what you WANT...then I truly wish you all the best . It took me a long time to get OUT of that place...mostly because my 1st H kept giving me hits on the hopium pipe. But it was my CHOICE to take those hits. I know how it feels to WANT something so badly...we ALL know that feeling.

But YOU KNOW Dear Lady. You KNOW things aren't going to change if things don't change. Knowledge is POWER . You KNOW you can't change HIM...you can only change YOU. When YOU are ready to make the change then it will happen . You've been here enough to KNOW all of this.

What have you got to LOSE? The love of your WH? Him going to the adultery co-conspirator? Money? WHAT is keeping you from demanding change...or else he will lose you? If it is his love...you already know you don't have it. If it is him going to the adultery co-conspirator...he could have done that a long time ago. If it is money...start making your plan to get enough to get away. Whatever the obstacle is...you can overcome it ! Once you get clarity...everything will look so much BETTER !

My question is why is he do desperate to be my friend?

He's not. You already KNOW that answer as well...I've read it in your other posts . You are a very SMART woman who is in a very BAD situation right now. You CAN and WILL get out of that situation...when you are ready. So please be kind to yourself...and LOVE that person you see in the mirror. She needs it...and YOU can give her that love more than anyone else .

From what you posted, he's perfectly content with the situation as it is.

You get through this by moving forward.

You do that by taking it one step at a time. By focussing on and respecting your needs and boundaries. By focussing on what you need to heal and by eliminating the endurance of abuse. By focussing on your emotional and physical wellbeing. If you need to talk about things, if you need to feel safe, if you need to give yourself time to feel and process everything, then your WS needs to be supportive if the relationship is to have any hope of being salvaged.

Whether your WS walks with you or not is up to him.

Either way, you will move forward and will find your inner peace.

Gracey can you explain what the current situation is?

Is he living with you right now and still seeing the AP?

MintChocChip, he is still living with me and seems so puzzled by my lack of wifely support that he used to enjoy. He claims its all over with AP & that he has told her that and he did not realise how horrible a person she was.
However he will not discuss what went on in any great depth and the story I have heard from him is so full of holes and lies. I suspect this has been a for years relationship with AP based on a lot of things he said immediately after DDay and these are things he claims he cannot remember saying. MC was horrendous and it just made him angry and defensive. He is now not up for MC although has softened toward me when I talk about my hurt and how much it would hurt me if he has further contact with AP. He says he will tell her where to go if she ever comes near again, however this is all just words.

AP has ruined alot of my friendships with her lies and muck spreading and WH admits this is what AP has done and yet refuses to support me in trying to set record straight. I have some notion WH may be has compartmentalised two relationships and AP has decided to try and change things as it was her that revealed all by announcing the A at someone else's wedding before standing there and laughing in my face. If we are out and about together AP stays away. Its a real mess!

Gracey...

Imagine if you would, there's been a spill of some toxic pollutant into the lands because a valve was left open. The person responsible comes along and shuts off the valve. Is everything okay now?

Fuckin, of course not!

We have to understand why that valve was left open when it should have been closed. We have to set up measures to protect the spill from seeping further into the water and lands. We have to clean up the mess that was made and perform environmental assessments to remediate the lands. We have to put measures into place to ensure that this valve is never left open again and that all other valves throughout the plant are similarly checked. We may have to make reparations for any damages.

Your marriage is going through the same thing. Your WH has let loose a giant slug of toxic sludge and thinks just shutting it off is enough. Of course it feels like something is missing because that's not even the bare minimum needed to fix this. You can't poison the well and then shut off the poison and expect everything to be fine.

Keep up with the 180. Right now your focus needs to be on your needs and rebuilding your sense of self-esteem and self respect.

[This message edited by SerJR at 4:18 PM, Sunday, October 1st]

Gracey, you said: "I am trying to save my marriage and WH is refusing to discuss his EA/PH and timeline while acting like everything is all okay now."

I am only going to make one comment. But it's the truth. Here ya go:

YOU CAN'T SAVE A MARRIAGE WITH AN UNREMORSEFUL UNCOOPERATIVE PARTNER WHO WILL NOT ADDRESS THE ISSUES THAT HE HAS CAUSED AND DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR FEELINGS AND THE DAMAGE HE HAS DONE AND THEN FOLLOW UP WITH DOING WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAFE AND LOVED AND RESPECTED.

Sorry for the all caps. I just wanted you to hear that you can't save a marriage like this. He should be begging and pleading for you not to leave him. You should not have to be the one to get him to see the light and do what you need him to do. He should be offering that willingly himself on his own. He just wants to bury his head in the sand and sweep everything under the rug and not have to deal with the unpleasant consequences of his actions. What he did to you should be killing him to the point where he would be willing to do anything necessary that you need to start to feel safe and respected again. Instead he wants a get out of jail free card and just move on like nothing happened. Do you think he would be ok if you had an affair and then refused to acknowledge his feelings and just wanted him to forget it and move on? The level of disrespect here is astonishing. He is not reconciliation material at this time.

Gently, MC treats M problems. But your M didn't fail - your WS did. To save your M, your WS has to recognize that they are the problem and that they need to do a lot of work on themselves.

If your H doesn't do that, you have to choose between D and staying in an awful sitch until one of you dies or until your WS pulls the plug when they feel like it.

He wants the best of both worlds and you to be OK with it. You are under no obligation to accept his pretzel logic.

Instead of putting forth the time/effort/energy in saving the marriage [since you seem to be the only one doing so], instead put forth the time/effort/energy into saving yourself. Your WH will either pull his head out of his ass or not. But you need to focus on you and your healing for the time being.