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Newest Member: angbel

Reconciliation :
Asking for help, outside perspective, please help me

Topic is Sleeping.
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 2:46 AM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Ink/Tanner

I know she doesn’t tell me when we are reconciled. I could not care less about her view on it. I was absolutely being sarcastic, and a lot shock. I’m still trying to figure out what the hell is going on with her. I’m going to take my time and figure out my next step. I am done fighting by myself

Me mid 40s BHHer mid 40s WW1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.in R, getting by

posts: 373   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8807874
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 3:33 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

What would you say you need right now?

Hard learned lesson here: you can’t control her. At all. None. Zero. Zilch. You get to define what you want and ask for it, and if she won’t or can’t give it to you, you get to decide how to respond. And the choice then is largely between patience, rugsweeping, or the 180. I avoided using the 180 for a long time. Eventually D-Day 2 forced my hand.

Sorry man, there are no easy answers or comfortable choices here. The stakes are incredibly high and there are no guarantees. The old shit sandwich. How can we help you?

And you might need to tune down the sarcasm, not everyone has as highly sensitive of an ear for it.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2043   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8807993
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 6:16 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I appreciate it Ink. I will tone down the sarcasm, I was really just in a bad place on that.

I’ve been thinking about what it is I need. Truthfully I don’t know. My IC also asked me the same question. What I need is for this to never have happened as I know all of us would, but that’s not an option.

I know that I can’t control her. I’m going to take my time and figure out what is next. We have MC coming up, probably when I am going to explain everything.

Me mid 40s BHHer mid 40s WW1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.in R, getting by

posts: 373   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8808027
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InkHulk ( member #80400) posted at 7:18 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

I appreciate it Ink. I will tone down the sarcasm, I was really just in a bad place on that.

You should feel free to vent here, it’s the perfect place. But if you are too damn good at sarcasm and the community misreads you, you could end up getting less than you would otherwise. So maybe a good eye roll emoji or something to help us out look

I’ve been thinking about what it is I need. Truthfully I don’t know. My IC also asked me the same question. What I need is for this to never have happened as I know all of us would, but that’s not an option.

The past is the past, no matter how horrible. And it is so very horrible, I know, I’m sorry for you.

I personally thought about what I would want in any relationship and came up with a list of 6 things. I won’t share them now unless you ask, don’t want to bias you. But she has broken the ties that bind, it’s perfectly valid for you to think beyond your relationship with her and ask what you want in any romantic relationship and then advocate for it here, assuming you continue to want to consider R.

People are more important than the relationships they are in.

posts: 2043   ·   registered: Jun. 28th, 2022
id 8808076
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 7:28 PM on Friday, September 15th, 2023

Don't you need transparency from her? Not saying that is all you need but it's a start. Why the deleted texts from the one person that is friendly with posom? Your IG quote sent to her seemed to reference your relationship with posom, why are you thinking about him and discussing it with your friend?

Or perhaps you might play it like you saw more than that in her texts and see what she says...

posts: 967   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8808084
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 HellIsNotHalfFull (original poster member #83534) posted at 1:50 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

So I have some what of answer. WW told me she is still upset about how AP treated her, especially towards the end of the affair. (She found out AP was sleeping with other girls, which I think is just a beautiful irony) and that was why she deleted the texts.

My initial reaction, oh that sucks, I don’t care. You deserve to be treated like that because you had an affair.

A lot of other things have happened but basically I feel very strongly that it’s DARVO.

Me mid 40s BHHer mid 40s WW1 year EA/PA

"Just" a friend.in R, getting by

posts: 373   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2023   ·   location: U.S.
id 8808153
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 4:00 AM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

Ok, I have a small degree of empathy for her. Very small, while I am somewhat gloating that she realizes what a pos the guy was. However, does she realize that how she feels is just a sliver of how you feel being betrayed by someone who professed her lifelong commitment to you?

And does she realize that her being hurt by it shows her emotional commitment to the A still exists? I guess it is darvo, but she needs to understand that she is in the same damn boat as posom beacuse she treated you even worse.

posts: 967   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8808156
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:51 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

So the cheater spouse was "cheated on" by the AP and is "upset".

😡😡😡

I guess she’s not "upset" over how she lied and cheated and treated the betrayed spouse.

Typical cheater behavior BTW.

I hope the cheater gets their head out of the sand soon.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13946   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8808183
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:22 PM on Saturday, September 16th, 2023

My W told me ow was angry at her (my W0 for still having sex with me and she (W) was angry at ow for having sex with obs. I don't remember what I said.

My initial thought was, 'I'm happy to hear that. That's the only pat of this I can feel happy about.'

Later I read on SI, 'If they'll cheat with ya, they'll cheat on ya.' Yeah. I have no tears for that. I don't think anyone should have tears for that.

Not everything that is said or thought during R is conducive to R.... smile

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29992   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8808224
Topic is Sleeping.
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