My wife is 37, I'm 34, and my daughters are 18 and 16.
I found out around 6 months ago that my WW has been having an affair for the last 2 and a half years with my best friend. I think it started to get physical around 2 years ago. EA for the first 6 months or more Maybe even more; I don't know.
I will be divorcing her. I'm moving out once everything I need is done, which is soon.
There is a reason I have not confronted my WW yet.
I hate cheating; I go way over the top. It can get really bad. If you knew me, you would think I was crazy. The way I talk about it doesn't matter if someone is talking about it, if I see it on TV, or if I know people who have been through it (like my best friend).
I've now realised that the way I have spoken or acted about cheating has affected my daughters so much, especially my oldest. I have been seeing a therapist for just over 5 months. She has helped with a lot of things I have bottled up since I was a child. I see a lot of changes in me, and I just hope my daughters do too.
I can't type out my whole childhood; there is far too much, but I could tell you some, and hopefully it's enough to show the reasons I hate cheating so much.
So why do I hate cheating so much?
Because my mom cheated on my dad with his brother for a very long time and he caught her multiple times and kept taking her back every time she said it was over, I have five siblings; any of us could be his brother's children.
My dad lost his whole family through my mom's affair, and my mom's family too; they all lied to him about my mom cheating; they all knew she was. He had enough, but it took him years to decide this and just cut them off completely, and he just got to the point he didn't care. If my mom cheated, even to this day, he doesn't even know if they have stopped seeing each other, and she has never told him the truth, not once.
It was heartbreaking watching him cry all the time, but I was a child. How could I help him? I look back, and I wish I could've helped somehow. It is one of my biggest regrets. I have cut my mom out of my life since I left home at 16. I only talk to my dad and my siblings. We are a very close family now compared to when we were kids, and I think it has a lot to do with losing our brother to suicide. (Not affair-related, we don't think.)
Some things my dad's mom and sister would do:
They would bring over notes (this is well before my house had a house phone) for my mom from my dad's brother, like times to meet and other things, so they wouldn't get caught. At the time, my dad thought they were coming over to see his kids. My dad found out later the real reason, and this is when he found out they were all lying to him and cut them all off.
Some things my mom would do:
My mam would leave me and my siblings (even before I had 5 siblings, so I was very young when she left us when it first started) at home while my dad worked all day, and she would go see his brother and then come back before my dad finished work. This went on for years. I wish I had told my dad this when it was happening, but my mom would threaten us if we ever told my dad anything.
Our house was getting fixed by the council, so we had to move out temporarily to a new house until our house was fixed. During this time, my mom and my dad's brother would say they would go to our house to decorate. During this time, my dad never knew they were cheating. It would be awhile before he caught them.
My dad started to work night shifts at work. To this day, I still don't know how my mom convinced him to put locks on our bedroom doors so she could lock us in at night so we couldn't go down stairs. When she had my dad's brother over to our house, we could hear the things they were doing.
These are some of the things I'm going to write out, but there are a lot more I can remember. Hopefully, this is enough for you to understand why I hate cheating so much, and, like, I could be writing for days if I wrote down everything that happened in my childhood.
Let's start with me and my WW. I was 16. She was 18. We knew each other since we were young. We weren't dating yet, though, more like FWB. I was only seeing her at this time, and nobody else.
I never knew if she was seeing anyone else. I never asked her, and it wouldn't have bothered me if I knew she was seeing other people because we weren't exclusive. We did start dating when she found out she was pregnant. I asked her if she wanted to be together, and she said yes.
I found out six months ago that she was seeing someone else when we were 16 and 18 because my oldest daughter is not my child.
We have been together for 18 years and married for 14 years. She is a SAHM.
I have worked since I was 16 to provide for my family. I have worked from home for years now. Which made me spend a lot more time with my children. I have my own business, and it does well. I have 20+ people working for me now, including my best friend, with whom my WW is having an affair.
Here are a few things about my daughters, while I have definitely affected both of my children.
My oldest is just like me when it comes to cheating. She hates it. Sometimes I think she hates cheating more than I do. My youngest is not the same as my oldest when it comes to cheating, but I know what I've said will affect her too.
Now I would say I've been a great dad to my children, but not when I've had conversations about cheating. I regret this so much. I wish I could go back and never mention it. I wouldn't always bring it up, but as they got older, they would ask why I didn't talk to my mom, and I wouldn't sugarcoat it. I would tell them the truth. After awhile, my oldest daughter refused to see her Nana and wouldn't go to my dad's house if my mom was there.
The past 5 months or so, I have been in therapy to help me with my issues. I'm hoping my daughters will agree to therapy too once I have spoken to them.
My daughter is mine. I don't care if we don't share the same DNA. But if you knew me, you would think this was a lie.
I have said some horrible things about raising an affair baby, like that I would disown them without a second thought and never look back. I could stop loving them without any regrets. I would never raise another man's child, and many, many more. The worst thing about this is that I've said these things right in front of my children multiple times. (More on this later.) I can't take back what I have said, but I do know that I don't think that way, i love my daughter nothing will change that, and I can't believe the stuff I have said.
My children will need therapy because of me for many years, probably.
I think what I have done to my children is far worse than what their mother has done to us.
I love both my children; nothing has changed. I love them the same as I always have. I just hope my oldest will believe me when I tell her the truth. I might have destroyed my relationship with her for the things I said.
When it comes to their mother, they can decide if they want a relationship with her. I will not tell them to cut her off. That will be their choice if they want to.
I would love for them to have a relationship with their mother once we have divorced. I don't want them to end up like me and never talk to their mom again, like I don't with mine.
Now things about my best friend.
His ex-wife was cheating on him about 3 years ago, and me, my WW, and my children were there for him when he was going through a divorce.
He found out his daughter was not his, and she left with her mother, and the daughter refused to talk to him. This destroyed him. He loved her. Also, this is where I said a lot of things about his daughter and his ex-wife.
Do I wish I could go back and not say these things? Yes, 100%, but I can't.
My daughter would hear the things I said to him and sometimes join in. My daughter was his daughter's best friend; they would do everything together until all this happened. She cut her friend off and hasn't spoken to her for nearly 3 years. This is 100% on me. I made my daughter this way. I hate myself so much. Hopefully, she will forgive me one day.
My best friend works for me, so I gave him some time off from work. During this time, my WW and daughter would go around to check on him to make sure he was OK and take him food to make sure he was eating. I didn't go around much since I had to do his work while he was off.
This is when my WW started to get closer to him, and after a while, it would only be my WW going around to check on him.
I have a lot of evidence of their affair. When it started, the things they said to each other, nude pictures, and videos were not easy to read,look or watch. I have stopped checking them now, though there is no point. I know she cheated, and she knows my past about how I feel about cheating, so she knows she will get divorced.
I don't know who the dad is; I don't think it is my best friend since I never knew him at that time me and my WW got together, but my WW could've since we live close to each other. But if he is the dad, that means they've cheated closer to 18 years, or they could've stopped and started again. I don't know.
The main reason I haven't confronted my WW for so long is that I needed to show my daughters I loved them, and whatever their mom did, it wouldn't change how I feel about them, especially my oldest since I will need to tell her she is not mine (I won't phrase it this way when I speak to her). I just needed to show them I have known about their mom's affair for months and for them to see I've not changed when it comes to them, especially my oldest. She will take this really hard, and she will believe I do not love her, which is all my fault because i do love her.
I hope this way I can show them I love them, and nothing will change how I feel about them. The last 6 months, we've been spending a lot of time together; we do dad and daughter days together, and I also do days with them both together. I do hope this is enough to show them that nothing has changed.
This is something I've always done since they were young, but I have done it more times a week for the last 6 months.
I will talk to my oldest daughter tomorrow when she comes home, and my WW is going on holiday with her friends, but I know that is a lie, and she is going with my best friend. Once she is gone, and I've told both my daughters, I will move all my stuff out and I will be gone before my WW gets back. I will text her that I'm leaving and tell her the divorce papers are in the house for her.
I've read a lot of posts on here, and I don't want revenge on my WW or best friend. I think leaving them and going without contact is best for everybody.
I've got every reason to destroy their lives, but I don't think it will make me feel better, and I will not be firing him. I don't even talk to him regarding work, and I won't ever have to see him. I've had someone in charge for a while now. I only get involved with our oldest customers.
I will be moving 2 hours away from where I live now, and I will be asking my daughters if they want to come with me. I don't think my WW will try to get custody; my kids are 16 and 18. I will make sure to see them a lot if they decide not to come. I will not be kicking my WW out of my house. She can stay in my house until she has a new place to move into, then maybe I will sell it. My WW will maybe get spousal maintenance; I need to speak to my solicitor about it; it's up to the courts to decide how much she'll get. Once I leave, she'll need to find a solicitor to talk to mine.
Like I said, I have read a lot of posts on this site. I know my WW and Best friend will keep messaging me to try to explain why they did what they did, but not once have I read on this site that people get the answers they are looking for. It's just excuses. I don't need closure; I have been checked out now for about 3 months. I haven't really spoken about my WW affair much in this post, but I don't really care anymore. I only care about my daughters; nothing else matters. So that's why I will also be changing my phone number. Once I have left for my new house.
Maybe my post seems like I have it all thought out, but that couldn't be farther from the truth. I might be a new member, but I have read this site for 6 months now, and if I wrote this out 6 months ago, I would be doing the same as most new people do here and not listening to the advice they're getting from the amazing people here who've gone through the same shit we are. It doesn't matter if it is advice for divorce or to reconcile.
I would like to thank those people who commented on people's posts I've read and gave them great advice, even though you weren't talking directly to me at the time you could've been.
I think when we first find out, we are in denial and won't let ourselves believe our partners could do this to us, even with evidence in front of our eyes, and for some reason, we think our partners are different from other cheaters.
I've read so much on this site that cheaters are so much more alike than we know. It's scary. Even though all affairs are not the same, a cheater is a cheater, and somehow they manage to say exactly the same things.
This could backfire, though. I'm really scared. I have so many questions that I don't have answers to.
What if I've been pushing away from my daughters?
What if I've been treating my oldest differently without even realising it?
What if I've been showing more affection to my oldest? Will this make my youngest feel like I love my oldest more than her?
What if my youngest wants to live with her mom? Will my oldest cut her sister off?
(I would not stop my youngest if she wanted to live with her mom.)
What if my oldest doesn't love me any more since I'm not her dad?
What if they blame me because I'm divorcing their mother?
What if they don't want to stay with me?
What if they hate me?
What if they never forgive me for the way I raised them about cheating?