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Just Found Out :
Worse than hell (yes it’s all true)

Topic is Sleeping.

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 10:38 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

New guy here but I’ve been around infidelity a while now unfortunately.

1991 Mum had an affair and left my Dad, me and my little sister to go off and marry another guy.

Years of pain and fuckery

2008 Met future partner, mother of kids

2015 Daughter is born (very hard for me after my experience of childhood)

2016 Move to small town (Wife’s home town).

2017 second daughter born. I was better this time but extremely anxious about responsibilities.

2021 family coasting (or so I thought). Two beautiful healthy girls, breathtaking house next to a river, good careers, good finances).

2022 (August) ILYBINILWY , cheaters handbook, gaslighting, minimising, etc.

October 2022 (October) BH goes off-rails, Goes missing, reported to Police, found by Police, sectioned to psych ward for 3 weeks. 4 rounds of electro shock therapy to wake me up.

Xmas 2022 Talked into false R with WW. Living in some form of first hell. Find the Mort Fetel Marriage Fitness Guide. Attempt the biggest pick me dance in the course of history.

Feb 2023 fired from job for getting hospitalised (they lied to the lawyers about this). And said I was being made redundant.

March 2023 Affair almost certainly resumes (yes, even after the carnage of last year).

April 2023 ("I’ve been feeling like this so long"

"tried to get a counsellor to change my feelings" (she got this from Ted Lasso how pathetic). Says she wants to leave.

May 2023 Can’t take it anymore. Leave my WW, house, job, kids, cats, bills, life etc… move back to home country

May 2023 she requests separation. She suggests renting our house out via her AP’s brother. Files at court to be able to rent out house.

July 2023 BH got drunk and abused via texting WW,OM and OMBW. Not my finest hour.

August 2023 Finally BH wakes up. There is no possibility of ever R here because she has made the humiliation of me so complete.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 8:50 AM, Monday, January 22nd]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8801976

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 10:51 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

She must actually hate my guts.

Everyone knows the humiliation a man must feel when his wife cheats. It is primal, and natural, and understood by every man but rarely discussed because the pain is too shameful.

Now imagine you mum did that to your dad and then just left all of you for another man. You’d be a bit messed up I reckon.

Then you grow up and meet your own partner. She lives with you, knows your history and you end up having kids.

You move to her home town for her and the kids (biggest mistake of my life).

Amazing life for all of us.

She cheats.

This makes you utterly sad, broken and pathetic. She knew my history and hurt me in the worst way to cause maximum damage to me. I mean why else?

I’m now a broken, suicidal man. And if I make it back I’ll always be seen as a lesser man because she cheated.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8801982

woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 11:05 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

If you are suicidal you need to call a hotline or friend NOW.

I had a very unstable childhood, watched my mother do all kinds of things I can not imagine a parent doing in front of a child. Moved out when I was 16 and built my life. It really became a problem for me when I had kids, because then I reflected and really started to resent. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN YOUR FEELINGS.

YOU ARE NOT A LESSER MAN because you have a spouse that chose to cheat. Her cheating is 100% about her, not reflective of you.

Lots of people on this forum give excellent advice, read it, digest it. Breathe and try and calm yourself, day to day if needed, hour to hour if needed. You will get past this.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801985

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 11:27 PM on Wednesday, August 2nd, 2023

Thank you 🙏

Really I had nowhere to vent. I was at crisis point October of 2022 and was planning to end my life. Treated with electro shock therapy and felt ok/ numb ever since. Still very sad now after false R, moving countries and leaving kids but JUST starting to feel this could be a good new start for me.

Her, I pity her in a very sad way. I’ve seen how my silly, poor mother still can’t live down the shame and foolishness of leaving her family for an affair. Even after 30 years my sister and I can’t forgive her, we keep our contact out of pity and a hope of inheritance for our kids.

Now she will endure similar, even after seeing my mother’s situation and knowing my trauma.

Like, is she actually serious doing me over like that? Even in 2023 people are judgemental, especially in a small town.

I cannot even think about this person without feeling negative.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 8:52 AM, Monday, January 22nd]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8801986

Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 1:11 AM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

She knew your hurt, she knew your pain, she knew your history - YET she did it to you anyway. Friend, her behavior speaks volumes about the kind of flawed person she is NOT about what kind of a man or husband you are! Ending your life will not change her, will not make her feel sad, bad or even guilty. She leaves a trail of destruction a mile long, her children (YOUR children) will bear the brunt of this, they will suffer because of your WW’s selfish, entitled behavior. You sound like you’re ready to turn the corner, to start fresh - to get OUT of infidelity. I hope you know how worthy you truly are. You deserve that fresh start, you deserve all of that and more. Keep posting here - read the pinned posts; you can shout, vent, rage, rant - you’re not alone. Many betrayed spouses feel unworthy, unlovable - I mean I MUST be unlovable if my own spouse doesn’t even want me right? Friend that’s a huge blow to our self esteem. But that’s a LIE. Its not about us - it was never about us. This is all on her - she made these decisions. You deserve to be happy, healthy. Focus on you now that you’re away from her. You will overcome.

[This message edited by Blackbird25 at 1:19 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

Me: BS Him: WH, Married 1996 -
DDay#1: 6/1/2012 (EA 3 mos, PA 1 month) - DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk) -
Reconciling and doing well.

posts: 199   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8801991

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:25 AM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

I'm so sorry she's been so cruel.

You did not deserve to be cheated on. It is not, in any way, your fault.

And,you didn't deserve to be abandoned by your "mother" when you were a child.

You said you left her AND the kids. Don't leave your children. Don't do to them, what was done to you. Leave her..Don't leave them. They need their dad.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:27 AM, Thursday, August 3rd]

Our field of dreams,engulfed in fire..and I'll still see it,till the day I die..

posts: 6777   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8801992

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 8:16 AM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Thank you all. It breaks my heart that I left my children but I had to at the time. We live in a small town where she is from and knows everyone. I don’t have any family there and not many friends. I won’t make it there alone dealing with all this. And trying to find a new job in this town is really difficult. I think the best bet is to build a new life somewhere safe and get to see the kids in holidays etc.

Right now I’m waiting for paternity tests on both kids.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 8:52 AM, Monday, January 22nd]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8802010

Tanner ( Guide #72235) posted at 3:21 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

This is awful, I’m so sorry you are going through this. First take care of your health, if you feel suicidal please get help right away.

What she has done to you is awful, it’s not your fault. The pain is unbearable at times and it’s best to distract from it any way you can.

After a year I got busy building my self esteem by working out and getting in shape. Exercise is very good for brain chemistry. I focused on improving every area of my life, one piece at a time. Keep a journal so you can track your progress.

Take care of yourself and dig out of this infidelity hell.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R BH M 32 years

posts: 3474   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8802032

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 3:31 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Thanks yes it is hell. I am going to politely text her mother and see if we can arrange a FaceTime with my kids without me having to have any contact with WW.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8802033

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:57 PM on Thursday, August 3rd, 2023

Whoa, ECT? I hope your doctors didn’t prematurely jump to ECT before trying less invasive treatments. To me, you seem to be reacting, as expected, to an extraordinary knock-on trauma after being dragged away to a foreign country and then abandoned-betrayed by virtually everyone around you, including your employer, and then left in a very precarious and vulnerable position.

People are going to tell you not to abandon your children. Save yourself, first. You’re the priority right now-not the kids. Get yourself into a safe and secure environment, into mental stability, then worry about the kids. This is not abandonment. It’s self preservation. You’re no good to these kids until you’re safe, secure and well.

As others have said, this is not your fault. You’re not a magnet for toxic people. You didn’t deserve this in any way. You did not cause this to happen. This is life. We’re all surrounded by broken people. Love is a very risky wonderful gamble. I’m remarried and everything seems to be great for the moment, but I have no illusions that infidelity can’t happen again.

You’re going to feel judged. I did too. Infidelity is at the top of everyone’s worst nightmares. So, as people tend to do, they find reassuring blame in the victim. It’s a form of self-soothing and reassuring that this horrible shit will never, can never happen to them. The thought of awful things happening randomly to good people does not rest well, and so we victim blame. We’re all guilty of it to some degree. The best redress to this false judgement, is to live your life well. A life well lived is also an excellent and healthy revenge.

Take Care

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 10:59 PM, Thursday, August 3rd]

posts: 1309   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8802086

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 10:08 PM on Friday, August 4th, 2023

Many of us, when we've been betrayed, are bombarded with messages that we generate internally about all the bad and stupid stuff we've done and about all of the endeavors that didn't turn out the way we wanted them to. All the messages blame you for fucking up. One of the results is feeling humiliated.

You did not force your WS to cheat. She chose to do that herself. Feeling humiliated is a common and natural response, but it's completely wrong. A large part of recovery is learning to end the humiliating internal messaging. A large part of recovery is learning to ignore what other people think about you and to figure out what your boundaries, wants, and needs are.

I don't think you can R, either, but that's not because there's something wrong with you. IMO, she didn't humiliate you. She humiliated herself. There's something wrong with her - she let her worst instincts driver her decision-making, and she's proven herself to be a liar and cheat. You can't R because she's a lousy candidate for R. She's a lousy partner. She a lousy bet for the long term. That's why R is off the table now.

I know this message is hard to accept right now, but I urge you to take it in and consider it. As you heal, it will make more and more sense.

And have faith in yourself to heal. You can survive and thrive. You can lead a joyful life.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 30048   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8803328

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 6:23 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

Thanks for the messages. This week has been extremely hard as I found this forum and the hopium has started to wear off. I’m feeling extremely depressed about the hideous state of my life right now and also mourning for my old life.

I’m moving forwards though. Working on a job interview in another country. Trying to sort out my finances and trying to get some therapy and emdr.

Mother in law has ignored my message asking for FaceTime with my girls. I said I cannot speak to her daughter again because of her behaviour. I feel that’s pretty bad of her considering everything I’ve been through. I’ve slung some mud around her daughter and exposed the affair to her mum, dad, brother and boss do I guess now everyone sticks with their own.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803425

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 10:12 PM on Saturday, August 5th, 2023

I’ve slung some mud around her daughter and exposed the affair to her mum, dad, brother and boss do I guess now everyone sticks with their own.

This is called exposure, not mud slinging. This is a necessary step in ushering in the natural consequences of her actions and informing others of the catastrophic effects her actions are having on you, the kids, the universe. There are two sides to every story and certain folks need to hear yours. If you don’t get control of the narrative, she will, and it will be at your expense. Right now, you’re the only one feeling the pain of her actions and this throws the spin of the earth off-tilt for all of us. Consequences have profound universal purpose. Let her experience the consequences of her folly, but do it with class and with dignity. Be mindful of your audience and don’t expect too much support from family and her friends. Blood is thicker than water. Public relations in the wake of infidelity is a tricky matter and should be handled tactfully. Public sentiment will lean towards the party that appears more dignified, stable and in control, not necessarily the party more wronged. Don’t expect anyone to understand what you’re going through. Usually, only those of us who have personally experienced infidelity, truly understand it, can empathize. Even the most enlightened and empathic individuals can’t truly fathom the pain you’re going through unless they too have experienced it.

Right now, until you can reconcile your world, your reality, and circle your wagons, rally your forces, you’re going to feel the loneliest you’ve ever felt in your life. You’re going to feel like a failure. You’re going to wonder if you deserve this, if you’re responsible, if there’s something wrong with you.

Let that shit wash over you. You need you right now to be in your corner. Don’t ever betray thyself. That would be a double betrayal, the ultimate betrayal.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 11:05 PM, Saturday, August 5th]

posts: 1309   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8803439

Edie ( member #26133) posted at 8:56 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

I’m moving forwards though. Working on a job interview in another country. Trying to sort out my finances and trying to get some therapy and emdr.

This sounds great as you sound like you have unprocessed trauma from childhood and emdr should be very effective at helping you with that and any other new ptsd symptoms as a result of recent events. Sorry you find yourself here, sounds like you have been through the mill but are working towards the future in a measured way. I’d caution against a propaganda war, in case things escalate that way - good (imperative) to put your side of recent events but your WW will capitalise on any unnecessary hyperbole. As we can see with various royals and celebs, it doesn’t go well and you don’t want to add to your children’s trauma.

posts: 6646   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2009   ·   location: Europe
id 8803500

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 9:44 AM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

WW’s mother came back last night and tore into me for sending abusive texts and leaving my kids.

They were nasty texts, I admit it. I said I hoped my WW dies and her kids too. I am not proud of it at all.

Still, she didn’t mention anything about her daughter’s behaviour. Nothing about having sex with a married man behind my back. Lying and gaslighting me about it and making me drag up childhood trauma in MC. Or me getting committed to a nut house, coming out and trying false R when I should be recovering and then her starting the affair again.

Anyway, I wished her well. Told her I know everything after being in contact with OM and OMEXW. My lawyers will take it from here.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803662

Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 11:28 AM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023


What is it you hope to gain?

Look – I walked in on my fiancé having sex with another man in my home, my bed, 39 days before our big, white, +200 guest wedding. Last civil conversation I had with her was 5 hours earlier where we decided to have a dj rather than a band and where her aunt would sit. I get the pain, the shame, the anger… I get it because I too went through the experience, got the shirt and wore it for years.

But… What’s your goal?

Is your wife in a job where having an affair would really impact her career? Like it or not, not many jobs are.
Was there something socially unacceptable in her affair (beyond the fact it was infidelity) like did she sexually abuse animals or children or have sex on the altar of the local church?
Did her affair impact her job or cost her employer money? No – not by her spending 20 minutes on the phone with OM, but in the sense that he got an exceptional discount, or she lost a client due to him.

Sad fact is that for MOST people – MOST society – your wife’s affair is a non-issue. Especially since there is no intention or will on her behalf to continue this marriage.
I’m guessing that in her small-town half the people don’t even give a damn. The other half – probably the vast majority of that half - might hear or say "have your head about Agnetha – Björns daughter? She’s divorcing from her English husband. Apparently, she’s been seeing Sven" and that’s it. No gathering of tar-and-feathers and flocking to the village square to condemn her. At most she will be in the rumor-mill until the next politician is caught with a page-boy or a Hollywood-star divorces.

Wishing someone death. Wishing their kids death…
Not healthy in any way, form or situation.
Not helpful for you when it comes to custody.
Not helpful in any way, form or situation.

To be totally pragmatic:
You have been dealing with mental illness. No shame or label I’m assigning or adding to that. If I remember correctly it’s estimated that about 20% of all humanity experience mental issues that require treatment over their lifetime. What is extremely positive in your posts is that you recognize you need to improve your mental health and you are open for treatment. THAT IS EXTREMELY POSITIVE!

However – With your history of mental issues, your unbalanced reactions to the infidelity and ongoing sending of abusive and threatening content to your wife, her place of employment, OM… you are seriously threatening ANY CHANCE you have of custody. Supervised or not.
Considering you plan to move to another country… As is I see a very serious risk that the courts/authorities will refuse to have the children cross international borders for visitation.

Please JJN – read this and take with the intention I have in mind: I want the best for you. I want you to survive infidelity by being healthy and creating a good, fruitful life. There is no indication whatsoever based on your posts that your wife wants this marriage or is willing to stand by your side in dealing with your illness. I think that’s wrong by her, I think it’s a fundamental breaking of the vows she took. BUT… it’s something she can do and is entitled to do. I think that based on what YOU share your future is NOT with this woman, and that your goal now should be your health and your relationship with your kids.
Wishing your wife and children death… no. Big no.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12483   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8803664

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 11:44 AM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

Yep it was a big mistake to send those messages. She will capitalise on it to make me look like the bad guy. I can’t change it but I won’t make the same mistake again. I am pretty much resigned to not be able to see my kids this year. I am going NC from now on communication through lawyers only.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803665

RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 8:10 PM on Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

They were nasty texts, I admit it. I said I hoped my WW dies and her kids too. I am not proud of it at all.

I’m going to restate what I said before you did this^^

Public sentiment will lean towards the party that appears more dignified, stable and in control, not necessarily the party more wronged. Don’t expect anyone to understand what you’re going through.

Meanwhile, your WW is kicking back, looking like the sane one, while you play into HER narrative. Please listen to us. Our time is precious. It’s time consuming to read and write these posts to total strangers. The only reward we get is that we might be listened to and that we might make a difference for someone, to help someone avoid the mistakes we made. My worst decisions coming out of D-day were anger and fear based decisions.

All is not lost. You can still totally recover from this.

posts: 1309   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8803830

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 8:37 PM on Wednesday, August 9th, 2023

Thanks for your response. Some confusion though, I sent the unpleasant texts over a month ago. I’ve been NC since then. I only texted MiL to see if she would facilitate a FaceTime with me and the kids.

I am not doing anything else until my lawyer gets back next week. My offer will be she gets house and everything in it. I get our shared apartment in the city. Hopefully she’ll take it.

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803835

 Jajaynumb (original poster member #83674) posted at 6:15 AM on Friday, August 11th, 2023

I’m having lots of nightmares recently and feeling lots of anger. At this point I hope both my WW and the AP suffer some sort of serious illness or misfortune. I really, really hate them for the pain they’ve caused to me and my kids.

Is there a way out of this forest? Struggling and need advice.

[This message edited by Jajaynumb at 6:16 AM, Friday, August 11th]

posts: 174   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803972
Topic is Sleeping.
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