I am sorry we had to meet this way...I do have a few observations for you:
1) You are getting caught up in what I call the "fairness game" - and I sure did the same thing. You are qualifying the aftermath of the affair as one of winners and losers. I too did not want my WH and the AP to "win" - and end up riding down the yellow brick road together while I and the OBS are left in a burning pile of rubble. I am sure I stayed on for much longer than I should have because I did not want "them to win." The sooner you can re-frame this the better.
The prize is NOT your WH. The prize is you. I mean the prize partner is not the one who is dishonest, manipulative, and scheming, and who will throw their partner under the bus in support of their own aims and goals. That person isn't participating in a giving and supportive relationship - they are in "it" for themselves. That's not a partner. Are you "winning" if you are teamed up with a person like that? You know the answer - and I too knew the answer, but it was so hard to let go of that winning/losing attitude - how unfair it was for me to be left with the ashes while my WH was being told how fantastic he was - how he was surrounded in this adoration love-fest having a great time and I was miserable. But you know what: you are in control of that. It may not feel like it, but you ARE.
Your WH has an AP who is also cheating on their spouse. Again. Marriage means nothing to the AP, nor does it mean anything to your WH. Not really. Not when it matters. I would argue that it is normal to be flattered when someone pays you attention. Compliments you. Praises you. It feels good to be appreciated. Wanted. Heck, I'm even willing to admit that its tempting to not engage with the person praising you to maybe get a few more ego kibbles, but when that starts to cross a line from innocent to suspect - that is the moment of truth. Your WH IS NOT a safe partner because when the ego kibbles are flowing, he follows them like my dog will follow a trail of treats - living 100% in the moment. These are NOT safe partners for you or for the OBS. They are NOT prizes, and while it is UNFAIR that you ended up with a shitty partner, you can move on from that in a safe way (either on your own OR if you WH decides ON HIS OWN to make changes). He is clearly not there, which brings me to point #2...
2) Look out for YOU. Start making yourself Plan A and get yourself to a position where you can leave if you decide you want/need to. Going to a lawyer is a good start. Having that sorted out gives you a lot of freedom to make good decisions, even if you don't use it. As Mary Schmich advised, "Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse, but you never know when either one might run out." Plan accordingly.
3) Not telling the OBS - a cautionary tale. I waited a year after d-day 1, until d-day 2 (where I discovered the A had gone underground for a year) to tell the OBS. Turns out the OBS also waited to tell me what he knew. A few months PRIOR to my d-day1, his wife, the AP, confessed to him that she had sex with my WH. She claimed it was a one-time deal which was a total lie as they had started a sexual relationship a month before she confessed and they were fucking at our house about 3 times a week as I was working out of town for 9 months. Had the OBS reached out to me then, I don't know if I would have come back from my position as I had the option to stay longer but didn't, only finding out about the A after my replacement had been hired and I had taken a job back at "home" with my WH. Had I reached out to the OBS on d-day 1, I would have notified him that indeed the A was not the "one time mistake" his wife had informed him of, and perhaps they would not have spent the small fortune buying their new house etc, and as the OBS worked with my WH and the AP, he would have been a lot more likely to have found out more about the A earlier, etc.
Basically, because the OBS and I failed to inform each other of what we knew, we made our own lives much harder. In hindsight, I wish I had told him immediately when I found out, and I wish he had told me immediately too.
***I didn't care about "preserving evidence" or otherwise letting the cat out of the bag about how I knew what I did. When I confronted my WH on d-day 2, I had decided I would tell the OBS, but as my WH knew the OBS, I gave him the option to do it instead of me. I basically held out my phone and said, either I am calling the OBS right now or you are - to tell him about your affair - the choice is yours. When he, like a coward, said "you do it" I did - right there, right in front of my WH. I took zero pleasure in making that call, but it was the right thing to do.
[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:39 PM, Tuesday, July 11th]