SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Unfortunately found myself here. Been reading along but have not been able to post yet. I’ll try to give all the necessary details but I’m kind of a mess right now so please forgive me if this is all over place. Still learning the abbreviations as well. Been married 9 years, together 13. 1 shared child, older teens from previous marriages from both of us. We lacked good communication skills but honestly he’s been a great husband. We had what I thought was a pretty good marriage. Had seen each other through really rough times.

D-day 20 days ago. WH had EA/PA with coworker for 3 months. Kissing with some holding type stuff. Tons of texting, etc. Confirmed via polygraph that no sexual contact with her or anyone else during our marriage. He very willingly took the poly. He knew this coworker for years. A few years back, OBS reached out to me with concerns about them. She sent him a bikini pic but then said "oops, wrong person". He showed it to me at the time it happened so I believed it. OBS said she was weird and had questions about specific dates, we were away at that time. I trusted him but told him that even if nothing was happening, there was a reason her husband was suspicious and that she probably had a thing for him. He reassured me, nothing was going on blah blah. He swears nothing happened all these years. He did write the timeframe in his poly statement so maybe it’s true, who even knows. Either way, he should have all sorts of boundaries up for my sake and obviously did not.

D-day was horrendous. He had been acting distant and I pointed it out via text. I was at work. I asked straight up if there was someone else and he admitted it. Said "just talking". I told OBS right away. OBS said AP said it was physical, eventually WH admitted to the kissing. I drove straight home. Called him on the way. Told him to end it immediately. He made an awful comment that I cannot get past. He said he couldn’t end it because he could be passing on a golden opportunity. When I got home, he tells me he needs time apart to work on himself. I tell him fine, but he needs to end it with AP. He says no. Acting so cold. While all this is going on, I know he’s texting her but no clue what. At some point, I broke down and bawled my eyes out. Begged him to stay, reminded him of his promises to me that we’d always try MC before ever giving up. He breaks down too, says he’s so sorry and he agrees to trying to save our marriage. I tell him that he needs to end the A. He finally agrees but said "I’m doing it my way". I sat there while he texted her but it was very….gentle. Something along the lines of "sorry for the pain I’ve caused. We were two people in rocky relationships who were helping each other. I hope you’ll be ok. I have to try to make it work with my wife, who I do still love". This never sat right with me. He went NC except when I asked him to call her to do a better job ending it. She hung up immediately so I’m still lacking closure there. If closure is even possible.

I did not sleep for days. Barely ate. We talked and talked. Laughed, cried, had sex. Probably hysterical bonding. He gave me all the details. I’m sure I asked more than I should’ve. We started MC a few days after D-day. For the first two weeks, I actually was mostly ok. The past few days were the worst so far. I’m so anxious, so many crying fits. Thoughts are spiraling. Two days ago, I could not allow him near me. Looking at him made me nauseous. I was so anxious, I wasn’t functioning. He was crying and begging and pleading. I know he felt horrible seeing me that way. Now I’m angry again and hate him.

I had asked him if on d-day, he told her that he was leaving me. OBS told me that happened, among other things- some correct and some not. WH says he cannot recall if he said that but he doesn’t think so. I’ve pressed for this over and over. Still says the day was a blur and cannot remember. Says he thought it but doesn’t think he said it. This thought is so intrusive and it’s KILLING me. My worry is that he did say that, she rejected him. And I’m the back up plan. How do I cope with this thought? He swears she never rejected him which really makes him think he never said it. But I can’t believe what he says.

I’ve tried downloading his old messages, doing everything I can to find out and I cannot. All the messages are gone. He swears that I’m his only "choice", continually apologizes for everything. Says on D-day, he was confused and panicked but felt like a fog was lifted and he realized how stupid his thinking was. Says he felt such relief after he ended it. Says he didn’t love her, never said it. Their relationship was cute texting, flirting. Never even talked on the phone. And they would hang out at work and kiss when they could sneak a few seconds out of coworkers sight. She wanted more, he told her he couldn’t risk losing his life that he loved (yeah, ok). But admitted if there wasn’t the barrier of being at work, they likely would’ve had sex. He swears he is not even thinking about her anymore, wants to forget all about her.

He has not been to work since, currently out on leave with a non related health issue. Agreeable to never go back. Doing MC, agreeable to find IC. I wake him up in the middle of the night when I’m panicking. He stays up with me. 100% transparency with everything. Reading books and articles. So part of me feels hopeful for brief moments but mostly hopeless. I had to take a Xanax the other day because the anxiety just became unbearable. Honestly it was a godsend.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess mostly advice on what I should be doing. How do I get past the unknown of possibly being a backup choice? How do I get past the coldness he showed me on d-day? I’ve said I will stay in the house with him for now but my goal is both of us to heal, not necessarily R. Although deep down, I love him so much that I cannot picture my life without him. How do you get through these terrible days and keep your job and manage to care for your family because I feel like I’m sucking at everything right now. I’m torn between just kicking him out and trying to move on and being so desperate to keep him. It’s so pathetic.

Welcome to SI. We're sorry you had to join us.

I will be blunt here: I also don't believe a lick of what he says, in my honest opinion. I don't believe he "doesn't recall" and I definitely don't believe they didn't escalate to sex

Polygraphs may be reassuring, but there are apparently ways to beat them.

The fact that he ended it the way he did, won't try to recover the messages he deleted, and instead went into damage control making excuses don't help his case.

You're already taking great steps in making sure he's doing the work and deciding whether he's worth it to R. However, you're still just barely out of the starting gate. Pay very close attention to his actions.

Whether he's in this for the long haul or he's only doing what you want him to to placate you will make itself apparent, and that will be a key indicator for his remorse.

Are you in IC? What about your support system, family or friends you can rely on?

[This message edited by Forks027 at 3:28 PM, Thursday, July 6th]

Hello AintDatSpecial and welcome to SI. I'm sorry you had to find us. Its sounds as if you have done some of the first steps with timeline and poly. One thing that sticks out is "I can't remember", this is TT. He's knows what he told her but is trying to cover his ass.

The rollercoaster of emotions is to be expected, you can go from love to hate in just a matter of minutes. I'm a very step by step list maker personality and recovering from infidelity throws that right out the window, two steps forward one step back.

He swears he is not even thinking about her anymore, wants to forget all about her.

Don't let him move on from this, it has to be dealt with, you might ask the same thing 100 times and he needs to be open and honest. The way I dealt with her possibly thinking of AP was to make sure she knew how disgusting the AP was. He was willing to help her destroy her family. He was physically out of shape, not her type, he was filling a role in her fantasy. AP's are willing to be second place, the BS expects and demands first place and that is why the A is hidden. I made her look at what she did to our kids, the risk she exposed me and the family to. I can tell you for sure, she does not have fond memories of infidelity.

Welcome to SI and sorry you had to find us. There are some pinned posts at the top of the page that you might find helpful. The Healing Library has a ton of great information and includes a list of the acronyms we use.

If you can find an IC with betrayal trauma, or even infidelity betrayal trauma, you will find it helpful. All the intrusive thoughts, not eating, not sleeping, etc. are all related to your brain on betrayal trauma. It's normal, and it really sucks. If you need meds, see your doctor. I had to go on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds for about a year. (The anti-anxiety meds also helped me sleep.)

Usually, we don't recommend MC right away. Your M didn't cheat, your WH did. What can happen in MC is that there is subtle (or not so subtle) blameshifting to you. One of the first things out of our MC's mouth was, "We'll see why Mr. Fields felt like he needed to go outside the M to get his needs met." Luckily, I'd been on SI for a while and told the MC that I would respectfully disagree. If we were going to do the unmet needs stuff, I would have been the one who cheated.

OBS said AP said it was physical

This is the part that concerns me. AP said it was physical. And you could consider kissing and handholding physical, but I'm thinking there's more to the story. People who are pathological liars can pass a poly.

Your WH wasn't a great husband because he spent a lot of time and energy on AP. He made thousands of conscious decisions to betray you. He could have done a bunch of other things, such as learn better communication skills, rather than invest time with somebody outside your M.

Linda MacDondald has a book, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal After Your Affair" that is really good. I suggest you both read it, but it is a good reference for your WH to use. Also, "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass is a good resource. The chapter on windows and walls does a good job of explaining boundaries and how they apply in your M versus people outside your M.

Hi, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

GEntly, he cannot work with his AP again. Something was off a few years back, and there's currently an affair.

I would never trust the two of them together again.

My WH had an A with a co-worker, and even though she worked at a site 3,000 miles across the country, there was no way in hell I'd tolerate him working at her site ever again, which he had to do several times a year. He found another job. Your husband has to start looking now.

My concern is AP admitted to her BS that the affair turned physical.. Why would she lie, especially to her BS.

Thanks to all for your responses so far. By physical, I mean the kissing. OBS was told just kissing as well. He sent me screenshots of him pushing for the truth and she admitted to all the flirty texts and kissing. She denied sex too but said they were "planning it". WH says she was pushing him to leave work early and get a hotel room but he wouldn’t. Of course not because he gave any care about me, he was afraid to get caught. He admits that.

Maybe it’s denial but I believe the polygraph. The woman who performed it has excellent credentials and reviews. She called me and explained everything. He pretty much passed at a very high rate and is a terrible liar according to her data. She is sending a written report that I expect any day now.

He handed over his phone on D day and let me try to uncover whatever I could. I even downloaded phone rescue but could not get back what was deleted.

I don’t let him forget. I remind him constantly of how disgusting they both are. WH talked about how she always talked about her kids and how much she did for them. I very adamantly reminded him that good moms don’t go around carrying on affairs at work, risking her job (and of course reminded him of the same he did for his family).

I just started listening to Not Just Friends last night. I can say our MC has been great so far although we’ve only had 3 sessions. She is not rugsweeping in any way and told him he should work in IC. I’m willing to stop MC though because I agree that it’s not the marriage that needs work. I do need to find my own IC.

That probably sounds like a lot of excuses but just trying to clarify earlier statements. Again, thank you to everyone who responded. I appreciate it

The initial stages after Dday really suck. I did most things wrong, and by accident, some things right. It's okay to not get everything right. No one prepared us for betrayal. Hell, it's not like "how to navigate infidelity trauma" was a required course in pre-MC. So give yourself lots of grace and patience. You will get more skilled at navigating this as time goes by.

Among the books recommended, I would also advise "Cheating in a Nutshell". It takes the position that D should be the default option after Dday, but what I found really helpful is that
it put words to the chaos I felt was swirling inside me. It showed me that I was feeling very normal and allowed me to give myself the grace to not get everything right. It also showed me why I felt what I did. I appreciated the perspective of evolutionary psychology it took, illustrating that my reactions were designed to protect me from further harm, xnd when I fought against those or at the very least recognizing them, it created stress in me.

Anyway, you will get through this,and it does get better, even ready good eventually. Don't rush the healing.

ADS,

I am going to go against the grain a bit here on a few things. Almost all of your post, when you get right down it it, is about trust. For instance you said:

My worry is that he did say that, she rejected him. And I’m the back up plan. How do I cope with this thought?

***(As an aside - back up plan was me. I was the back up plan. Not because the AP rejected my WH when he said he was leaving me - but because he and the AP had a massive throw-down fight about an email I wrote to the OBS, the AP, and my WH, which contained tons of screen shots of messages to the AP and to me at the same time establishing my WH was a liar (it was like 20 pages long - I'm a researcher by trade so it was very well referenced lol), and a bunch of other factual details that my WH clearly was not honest about (some were pretty ugly). My WH said "you won" to me in reference to the demise of their A. Basically he was saying that she rejected him (and that he rejected her) because of the info I spilled. Yippee for me. I stepped away from him for a bit and he decided to figure out what the heck was wrong with him that would allow him to behave in such a way, and in that process he decided that fighting for me was worth it to him even though I had left (spoiler - I'm still not back, but we do date now)).

The fact is, you are struggling with trust because the trust has been decimated by the lies. More lies decimate trust even more. I would argue that your physical symptoms and your feelings of disgust and your feelings of desire and all the rest of it result from conflicting impulses - impulses to run from an untrustworthy source and impulses to run towards that same source to try to overcome the trust issues via rug-sweeping, question asking, watching body language and actions, or likely some combination of all of these and more.

The fact is right now REGARDLESS of whether you have the full truth or not, you don't trust what you have. That is NORMAL. And, what is more important in the long run I've found is the behavior of your WS in relation to rebuilding that trust. I had my WH's phone forensically recovered to the tune of a very large sum of money, and while I thought it would give me all the answers, and even though it generally confirmed what my WH had told me, it did not quell that shitty feeling inside about my WH and his reliability. What did? Time and his decision to change.

Ultimately, years later the fact that he wanted to keep the A alive had zero effect on our relationship. Moreover, there was nothing he could have said that would have convinced me of what actually went down when they actually ended the A. For all I know it was not as he told it - a screaming hateful shit show - but crying and I love yous and one last roll in the hay. I simply can't know, because I was not there. Either I trust him or not. I didn't trust him then but I do now. I am satisfied that what he told me was true - but ultimately even if he had told me that there was one last roll in the hay that would make no difference to where we are now. It was the TRUTH That made the difference, and you WS may or may not understand how important that is to moving forward, and you may or may not every be able to impart that info to him (or better yet him grasp that on his own). Will that happen with your WS? Who knows...

But please give yourself a break. Unfortunately it's early going so all these feelings you are having are normal. You will get though this, I promise!

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 6:42 PM, Tuesday, July 11th]

I’ve been going through the roller coaster and unable to post the past few days. But could not let another day go by without a sincere thanks to everyone who responded. This is a terrible group to have to be in, but you all show such kindness and compassion towards others despite the devastation you’ve been through. That really makes me hopeful that someday I can heal and feel like a good person who has the courage to help others.

If you think you need meds, see your doctor. I took them for a couple of years but no longer need them. For me, meditation helped with the spiraling thoughts, which I didn't find out until a couple of years later.

Infidelity sucks.

There's a list of acronyms we use in the Healing Library.

Hang in there.

Hang in there Ain’t,
Infidelity is the worst pain I’ve ever had to go through. I’m still standing though - and you will too!! Take your time to heal - you get to decide the pace of that. Like others have said, see your Dr. for meds if you’re having depression symptoms, trouble sleeping, anxiety, etc. I took anti depressants and anxiety medication for a while after dday#1. You’re not alone - we are here to support you and see you get to the other side!!

I am going to say resist the urge to go and get on drugs right now (if you have any). Your d-day was less than a month ago - what you are feeling is NORMAL unfortunately. Get into IC now and talk to your IC about how you are feeling - and go from there. Let your IC help you make decisions about medications etc.

Affairs from your spouse are never easy. Both of my ex-husbands cheated horribly. Have you sought counseling? You can't really expect closure. Closure would be a luxury in most situations. What can be done is Individual counseling and working on yourself and taking each day as it comes. I hope this works out for you.

Hi all. Thanks again for all the amazing support here.

When I posted here the first time, I felt like I was at my lowest. Boy, was I wrong. About a week and a half later, I got so very low that I was crying most of every day. The depression phase of grieving, I’d guess. Thankfully, that has improved. I can now so the bad days are about 1/3-1/2 the days rather than every day. I’m so very far from healing or acceptance and I know that. Problem is, I’m a control freak and a problem solver by nature so things out of my control drive me crazy.

We both started IC very shortly after I posted. We’ve continued MC. I’ve told the MC I’m not yet ready to work on the marriage and my goal is support for us during the crisis phase- she’s been very respectful of that. We both read "How to help your spouse heal from your affair". I am still reading not just friends but some of it was so triggering. WH is reading a book on codependency, MC said he rated very highly on the assessment for that.

WH agreed to do a NC letter. I wavered on this but ultimately decided I did want it and I’m glad it’s done. That was a few weeks ago too. I have an old iPhone logged in with his Apple ID so I get all his info. I also debated on doing this as I didn’t like how it made me feel like his parent. He was fully on board with it, MC thought it was a good idea and reading Shirley Glass talk about being a detective reaffirmed this for me. Can’t say it makes me feel any better though.

We’ve continued to live together and act as a married couple. I thought about separating but cannot bear the thought of what that will do to our children, especially our youngest. If I decide this is too much, I’ll do it but I can’t put the kids through that while I’m still deciding. Overall, I’m about 80% sure I want to reconcile. Some days I say I’m absolutely certain. Then there’s days like today where the waves crash over me and I think about the beautiful life we spent years building that he was so easily willing to risk for some cheap thrills. And then I think about life apart. I have hatred towards him at times. So I cannot say I’ll reconcile for sure until I can get past the hate. It’s not fair to anyone to be in a relationship with someone you hate. Some days I try to convince myself it wasn’t that bad and some days I think it’s the absolute worst.

It’s just over 7 weeks, so again very early in. I need to get back to focusing on me but it’s hard. I feel like I spend a lot of time talking to him about what happened and what his feelings were at the time. Again, control freak. But I’m pulling back because it’s just an escape from my pain by focusing on his.

Hugs to everyone on the awful path post betrayal. I’m sorry this place has to exist but so very glad it’s here. I’m here daily, just not posting much.