SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

1st Wife: thanks again. You have been so kind to me (now on two forums, didn't mean for that to happen) and it means a lot. Thank you.

The limbo is like a million pound weight on my shoulders. I know, inherently and intellectually, I will have to give time to make these decisions. I just don't want to. I have so much turmoil and grief and sadness and anger I want anything to be worked out to grasp as I circle the drain. Dramatic I know, but apparently I have reached the anger/depression stage.

Great list, OWN!

IMO, skipping *any* of those items is perilous.

The limbo is like a million pound weight on my shoulders. I know, inherently and intellectually, I will have to give time to make these decisions. I just don't want to.

Fold, I want to share a little perspective. My H's poor choices began around 2007, and things went entirely off the rails in 2009. Around 2015 we separated (in house while we decided finances and child care) and began divorce proceedings with a mediator. When all had been worked out about a year later, things were so peaceful between us that we stopped the D and stayed ihs for another three years before truly reconciling. I feel I have had a lot of experience with the limbo you speak of.

I feel your suffering, although I know it is worse with a job and career on the line. I just want you to know that to learn to embrace the discomfort, to teach yourself that the uncertainty is ok and that the "knowing" is not necessary to live life, to force yourself to sit with these feelings and learn how to self-soothe and calm them...well, all of that is the greatest gift you can give yourself. When I look back on my experience with giving up control over the outcomes in life, it created such strength and resilience that I did not have before. Learning to live this way--peacefully--filled me with a sense of self that has improved every area of my life. I strongly urge you to pursue this line of calm.

It is human nature to want to see our future--where and how we will live, who will be in our corner, where we fit into the world. But so many things can steal this. My very dear friend suffered through 5.5 years of aggressive cancer treatments, and she showed me how to let go of such forward thinking. She taught me that mindfulness is everything. It's not the same as "You only live once!" which has a reckless feeling. It's more of a "Nobody gets any guarantees, even when we feel confident that we have them. But you DO have today! So what can you enjoy? What can you appreciate?"

You DO have control over your life, and that control is you--who you are, how you spend your time, what you value, how you conduct yourself. You control today. When I would feel panicky about 6 months from now or a year, I would force myself out of my head and say, "Stop. You have today. What would you like to do? What would feel good and grounding and enriching?" And then I would fit it in. It was tremendously helpful in feeling a sense of control again. It was a reminder of where my head needed to be. I also journaled whenever the anxiety went too high. That helped too.

Uncertainty is awful. No one enjoys their life being tossed into the air, but you can take back control by realizing that it is still there. You are still the same awesome person you have always been. Today is still whatever day you would like it to be. Next month and next year do not need to be dwelled on, not in terms of your M or his job. Don't let your brain do that to you. It doesn't help (unless there is something you need to take care of). If the To Dos get too loud, journal them out and let them go.

I feel in your posts a sense of losing yourself in this, but you ARE still there. Nothing about YOU has changed. Keep reminding yourself of this. Develop a mantra that you say out loud. Ground yourself in what is important and joyful to you. Hang on to yourself. Are you in IC for you and your stress? I highly recommend it. The safety for you is in remembering that you get to be you forever. Your WS and his choices are not you. And today can have as much beauty as you will allow. Tomorrow is not determined for anyone, so don't dwell there.

This line of thinking brought me much peace and strengthened my core in a way that has grounded me in every area of my life. Give it a try. I think it can really help you get comfortable being uncomfortable, which always leads to the best, most rational, most functional outcomes.

Best wishes.

Owning:

This is such sage advice, and heartfelt. From good perspective and balance.

I think it is very big of you to have stayed and tried to reconcile. You did it for a long time, and you did it with purpose and truth and honesty. I am very sorry that all of the work that you and he did did not keep you from keeping the marriage intact, but it truly sounds like you did EVERYTHING you could to attempt to make it work, and I think there is a lot to be said to that.

I also think it is really inspiring that you have experienced so much personal growth from this difficult situation. You have been able to identify and nourish a number of positives from a place where negatives reigned supreme. I am glad for you that you have maintained your sense of self and who you are at the core, and that you have found peace and comfort in times of discomfort. Staying grounded and true and open is ideal, and it is amazing you have embraced that and it has led to a better state of mind for you to address the good and bad that life brings (hopefully all or mostly good after what you have endured!).

I see what you are saying to me, to try to let go of the turmoil and unknown to find some certainty in the sea of uncertainty. And I know that nothing is guaranteed. I know I have zero control over what may happen in a lot of areas, and that all I can control is my actions and reactions. It makes sense, intellectually. It truly does! But I am not in a space where I am readily able to believe it, live it. I am still so fresh in the hell of all of this that I can't get to that point, for now at least. I know I have strengths and capabilities, and that there still remain positives in my life and the lives I give my children. I know that whatever may happen I will continue to put my kids first, to keep going for them, to provide as much stability, love, and support they need. I know I am still who I used to be or think I could still be, somewhere deep inside. I just feel so much despair -- raw hurt, anger, disbelief, fear. A ton of fear.

I can't imagine being in the unknown a month from now or a year from now. The idea of it makes my heart race. What I want desperately to know is is my WS evolved enough to show remorse and make me feel safe. I don't know if he will suddenly sit up and take action or if he will sheepishly scoot out the back door. It seems to basic: you say you want to try, so try. Or decide you don't and let me go.

This has gone to the left from asking for what "the work" looks like, so I'll stop typing, but I appreciate your listening and good advice.

What "becoming a safe partner" looks like to you

I am now on my third marriage. My second marriage is the one that brought me here, but both of my first two marriages were affected by my spouse's infidelity. My current marriage feels healthy in ways that I have never experienced previously, so I feel like I have a good perspective for your question.

My internal dialogue is no longer filled with doubts about whether my spouse loves me or not. That's a big one.

Perhaps the biggest difference is that I feel like there is enough "space" in the relationship for me -- in fact, it feels like there is plenty of room for both of us in the relationship. In my previous marriages, my spouse was always asking for more more more (more money, more resources, more time). There were always accusations that I was being selfish if I wanted to do something for me (like a hobby of mine, sometimes going to work was "selfish", etc), especially if that activity involved spending of money.

Another factor is that we can disagree without feeling like the other person is wrong. Meaning, we just have a difference of opinion and that it is okay to be different.

We also seem to accept, understand, and deal with each other's issues/trauma/faults. My wife has ADD and I have learned to accept that everything that she does will only be 80% complete... and she'll usually be found doing something else when something critical has to be done. I have my own issues too... and she's has learned to accommodate them also.

For what it is worth, I really like hikingout's answer too. My wife never blames me for her mistakes... or more correctly, she'll blame me for her mistake but then apologize a couple of hours later (without a prompt from me). Healthy partners screw up too, but they admit it, apologize for it, make amends, and then move on.

Hey there -

I am 6 months out and it might be helpful for me to share about this safe partner question.

I am and will be fine financially, my kids are older (18 and 25) and they told me (in a therapy session) that they under no circumstances want me to stay with my H for their sake. I have friends and an active social life and I find my work very challenging and rewarding. So, in other words, I will be fine without him. It took me a few months to really take that in, but I am finally there. I love him and I would miss him and I would need to grieve. But I would be okay.

SO … the ball is truly in his court and he knows it. One thing that has helped me feel like he is safe? He asked me early on, "What can I do for you?" I said, "You know how much I love my job. Please don’t let me lose it." And he followed through. He woke me up gently every morning even though I was teary and exhausted and just didn’t think I could get out of bed. He brought me coffee and rubbed my back while I cried and tried to wake up. He made me breakfast and packed it into my work bag when I couldn’t eat it. He gathered my work badge, my cellphone, my keys, my bag and made sure I got out the door more or less on time. Several times I forgot things and he drove them to work for me - no complaints. He did what I asked and he followed through. It meant the world.

In addition, he reads the books and goes to therapy and attends intensive sex addiction treatment outpatient sessions. He also goes to 12 step meetings weekly. Recently his treatment center started a group for betrayed wives. I could tell it was just so important to him that I get a spot in those sessions because he didn’t want to just move on with help while I sat there left behind.

In the early days, during all the disclosure, I’d sit in a position like child’s pose in yoga. He would talk and I’d cry and rock back and forth. It was awful but it was like this wave of physical pain was moving through me and this was the only position I could be in. I don’t do that anymore. However, there have been a few conversations recently where something has really hit him regarding the impact of his actions and suddenly HE is crying and on the floor in child’s pose, feeling like he’s going to throw up. It’s so strange for me when that happens. I feel for him but at the same time I’m so glad it’s happening. Why? Because I know part of being a safe partner is understanding the impact of your actions. Now it’s not just my heart that is broken … both of our hearts are broken.

And the biggest thing that he does? He says he understands I might not be able to forgive him and move on. He says he can tell I am trying but at the same time I might realize a few years out that this was a dealbreaker. But, he told me he wants to do the work anyway. He wants me (and him I’m sure) to have as much peace and resolution as possible. So, he says he would be thrilled if we stay together, but owes this work to me either way. That feels emotionally mature to me. That feels safe.

And notice that not once did I mention looking at his email or reading deleted texts or tracking him when he is out and about. Not my job. Anyone can sneak around and get away with it. The rebuilding of trust has to go much, much deeper than that.

We’re only six months out so I’m still a newbie. Take my words with a grain of salt. But, I think I am starting to understand this idea of a safe partner and wanted to share what it looks like for me.

I am very sorry you are going through this. Hang in there and love yourself. The pain of this is just so intense and, unfortunately, it is difficult for others to relate to unless they have been through it. We’ve all been there and you are not alone.

Fold123, Hi again !

It seems to basic: you say you want to try, so try. Or decide you don't and let me go.

Just what I tell my WH. It’s very cruel to give these mixed messages and keep us hanging around.

The lists here on ideal WS behavior do not always work out. Human beings are more complex than that. My WH is someone that is really great with acts of service, will cook , bring me food , take care of me when I am unwell. But this same person will not follow therapists recommendations, will not read , will never talk about our issues and is happy pretending everything is fine. He has been my biggest support, but he is also the one that let me down in the most cruel of ways.
I find him to be a safe partner in a lot of ways, but then a total failure in other aspects. Totally mixed signals.

How are you holding up? I hope you are taking care of your self and eating well. You have a lot on your plate right now, please be extra kind to yourself. Take it one day at a time. Take walks alone if possible. It really helps me clear my mind. I have been journaling my fears ,disappointments ,thoughts, hopes .Somehow putting it down on paper makes it more real but less scary.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Forest Fire: what a refreshing update to read. Thank you for sharing. It sounds like your WH is deeply regretful and remorseful and that he is doing everything within his power to address his issues and make you feel safe so that you both have a second chance at your marriage. I am really glad for you that he is showing up in the ways he needs to and that it is working for you both to attempt to reconcile. I think your story is a positive one for so many here hoping for or considering R. And I hope it only continues to get better for you!

While I wouldn’t wish this turmoil and pain on anyone it is "nice" to know I am not alone in being confronted with so much disruption and deceit and not knowing what will happen.

Abalone: I am sorry you have been in my shoes with the mixed messages. It is confusing and it hurts.

I’m getting some louder mixed message right now. He brought home flowers yesterday and told me he loved me before he left this morning. But the last few days, according to his laptop history, he has been researching two bedroom condos in one of the areas I said I’d consider moving to if we divorce. Not four bedroom rentals were all of us and things would fit, but two bedrooms. One for him and I presume one for the kids for weekends he would have with them. So it makes me just think and think and ruminate and think: is he just looking for the hell of it or to do his own just in case research? Or is he researching in order to make plans?

I mentioned in my old thread on the other page that I met with an attorney this week to discuss a post nup and/or divorce proceeding. We’ve ironed out all details for everything on either case. WH, after I gave him the recap, asked to do his own attorney research to see if he can find a better price point for a post nup (my attorney is on the high end). I told him I’d give him to the end of the month to research, interview, and meet attorneys, and that we could decide together which firm to go with for a post nup. I also said that if, by the end of the month, he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to divorce — to let me know so we could mix a post nup and go right ahead to a divorce proceeding to save time and money. He took this to mean I needed a firm answer in two weeks and I had to correct him the next day that I said IF he was 100% certain we’d nix the post nup, not that he had to know 100% in two weeks what he wanted to do. It is just infuriating to me that for something so serious he is mishearing my words or misinterpreting what I say. But I can’t control what he hears and thinks I suppose.

He read the book (How to Heal ..) in a day. I suggested he may wish to reread to retain. Will see if he takes initiative to do any other reading or not. I had to send a link to the book as is.

As for me, I am still breathing. I am trying to exercise each day and go for walks at night when the kids are asleep. I’ve started therapy once a week. I talk to a friend who knows the details or my parents most days on the walks. I’m listening to divorce podcasts and reading books on divorce. The house is clean, the kids are taken care of, the hills are paid. I continue to work on the job hunt, skills refresh, resume revamps, and have a call today with a career coach. I refresh rentals in the areas I’m considering moving to and am working out potential longer term employment options. I probably spend too much time reading and posting here but it feels like a life buoy right now.

Physically I am still very sick. I have no appetite and have GI issues when I eat. I am taking a vitamin, drinking water, and trying to get some protein (shake or bar) once a day. I have lost a great deal of weight. Even with sleep aids I am up tossing and turning most nights. I feel low energy and weak and sick. I have no interest in anything leisure: haven’t watched TV or read fiction or had a genuine laugh in over a month. I am on edge, sometimes shaky, just vibrating with adrenaline at times. Other times I am incredibly tearful. I cry up to 10 times a day. I try not to in front of the kids. I cycle through anger, fear, wistfulness, disbelief all day. I go back and forth constantly whether I can stay and live this sad life or need to leave and live a sad life.

And I just want him to show up. He made this never-ending mess and every day he isn’t moving mountains to try to fix anything about it — other than his "own work" — just cuts me down more.

Flowers and an I love you is so little compared to the damage he inflicted. I'm not sure what he did is forgivable, but, if it is, he would have to be falling all over himself to prove to me that he was contrite, remorseful, and wanted our marriage more than anything in the world. I wish you could remove yourself and your children from that situation, so that you could step back and really evaluate the steps he is taking in order to win back your trust. Get that prenup unless you plan to divorce right away.

I completely agree that OWN's list should be in the healing library.

@Fold, I was about to ask the same question when I found your thread. Thank you for giving voice to a question a lot of BSs have to engage with.

In the four months since D-Day, it seems like I've been shifted from one unknown to another, one state of limbo to another. That unmoored feeling where you once felt stability and security can be debilitating. I understand your image of desperately trying to grab onto some sort of certainty as you circle the drain.

Sometimes all I can do is cry. Yesterday I just screamed until my voice broke. Sometimes, I manage to meditate (just staying present, leaving the past and unknowable future to their own space) or read a book that demystifies the process for me, something about grieving, abandonment, relationships. It makes me feel safe. Yes, my life is chaos, but there's a huge body of research and knowledge that can reach me where I am. It is unfathomably huge and steady, it's not going to abandon me. Scientists dedicate their lives to studying the effects of trauma on the brain and ways to alleviate it. When I think no one cares about me, I try to remember those scientists. No AP or WS can take all of them down, even if they tried. I've got an army.

FunHouse:

I agree it feels hallow. He is not falling over himself to make reparations. He thinks that asking me if I want dinner or how my day was is trying, that helping clean up the house or put the kids to bed is trying. That saying he loves me and bringing home flowers is trying.
Maybe is his eyes it is but it doesn’t seem genuine to me at all.

We had another talk earlier today and he is still defensive when I bring up anything that is uncomfortable for him to talk about. I pointed out that this is inexcusable. That I can ask whatever I want, say whatever I want, be upset or mad. And that he has one time percent of his being that actually wants to try — or has any human decency at all — that he could sit and listen and be open and ask what I’m feeling or thinking. I talked about how I can’t drag him into trying R, that it’s wholly on him. He disagreed and said we both have to try and I corrected him and said right now this needs to be YOU doing work. I suggested he reread "How to Talk" (book) since that was the basic premise and it hadn’t seemed to have sunk in. He continues to claim he is processing and working through things and he apologizes for not doing what I need or expect, that he doesn’t know if it can work and he is trying to get to a decision.

It just seems so futile. I don’t think he actually wants to try because he is a coward and doesn’t want to really have to address what he’s done. He’s too weak, too selfish. But I won’t be the one to say I want out first. I want him to do it so he has to sit and live with another decision and the repercussions from it. If I tell him I want to D then he gets the option to own the narrative that I’m the one who didn’t want to try, I’m the one that pulled apart the family. When it’s 100% him. So I have to figure out how I can be patient (ish) and see what he comes back with. And how long I let him say "I don’t know" until I can’t take it any more.

He thinks that asking me if I want dinner or how my day was is trying, that helping clean up the house or put the kids to bed is trying. That saying he loves me and bringing home flowers is trying.

None of this is trying to heal the damage his affair caused. None of it.

Everything you listed is nothing more (absolutely NOTHING MORE) than the very basics that a husband should be doing. You don't get brownie points for being a bare minimum husband and father.

He continues to claim he is processing and working through things

What does HE have to process? He's not blindsided. He's known all along that he cheated. He's had plenty of time to think about that. He's not surprised, he's not in shock, and he's not devastated. He got caught. Maybe being caught is a lot to process, because other than the one other time that you know about, he's never been caught before.

Is he facing major consequences because of his choices? Yes. There is nothing he can do about any of that except wait and see what happens. In the meantime, in all of the free time he now has,he could be trying to hang on to his family. He's not even trying.

And..honestly..I think his very passive attitude about healing the damage he caused you..is because he doesn't believe you are going anywhere. You didn't last time. And now,you have kids,your lives are very enmeshed. If you didn't leave before,you won't this time. He thinks he just has to deal with you being sad,and angry,and wait for you to "get over it."

You will either need to call his bluff..or rugsweep along with him.

Fold,

I am sorry to hear you are suffering physically in addition to the mental turmoil that you have been subjected to. The more you write our WH’s seem like twins with low EQ’s.

I think at this point you should take a break from communicating about R. Simply focus on your healing, that is the only strategy that has helped me. I developed health issues because of all this, permanent one that will need expensive extended care. So I reiterate ,please eat well , stay healthy. The path ahead is tough, so you have to make sure you are mentally and physically preparing for what else is in store. Try to schedule your grieving, a strategy my therapist has been recommending so I can get through the day without breaking down. Everytime a thought comes, write it down and address it during your grieving time, don’t give it a second more. Use your grieving time to cry, write, journal, find solutions.

HellFire: I agree. He is still playing victim/dumb/avoidant. He will say that he is sorry, that he caused so much pain to me and our lives, that he was selfish and made terrible a decision. And then he will talk about how he is numb, confused, struggling. Boo-effing-hoo. It is nothing compared to what I am going through which has been 0% within my control. He is avoiding talking to me because he doesn't want to face what he has done, doesn't want to be called out when nobody else is calling him out. And I think he doesn't want to take steps or do work because he just doesn't want this, doesn't want to fix anything, doesn't want to do work, doesn't want to address it. He is doing the bare minimum which has nothing to do with actually being there for me or trying to do anything to help me, and he thinks he is taking steps and trying.

At this point I do not want to reconcile. I don't see a future with him. I don't think he can do the work. I don't trust him. But selfishly -- for my own sad little miniscule drop of self confidence and self worth -- I want him to tell me to my face he wants to divorce. I'm not going to say it and enable his rug sweeping or avoidance. He has to sit with the repercussions of yet another decision that will forever destroy our family.

Abalone:

I am so sorry you have had health issues stemming from this fallout. It makes me so sad that on top of losing so much you have to endure physical problems now because of what your WH did to you. I hope you are getting the care and help you need to manage it as best you can.

I appreciate the advice. I am trying to be there for myself, because if nothing else I have learned from the last several weeks it is that my WH won't be the one putting me first or second or third.

HotPink: I am sorry you are going through something similar. I have been following your story and I know we are both dealing with complex situations (career problems, potential legal implications though hopefully now that you have repatriated that can be avoided). You seem to be making good choices in feeling your feelings, giving yourself reprieve when you need it, finding help through research and reading. I think you are incredibly strong and I am proud of what you are doing, and so sorry you have been put in the position where you are forced to do it too.

But selfishly -- for my own sad little miniscule drop of self confidence and self worth -- I want him to tell me to my face he wants to divorce. I'm not going to say it and enable his rug sweeping or avoidance. He has to sit with the repercussions of yet another decision that will forever destroy our family.

You said you've had zero control throughput this entire situation.

Here's where you take back control..AND regain your self esteem,and worth.

You tell him you're done. File. Stop waiting on him to stop being a coward,and say it. Be brave, and say it first. Stop waiting on him to decide what happens to your life. Put yourself first. Who cares how it makes him feel? Who cares if that means he rugsweeps(he's doing it anyway).

He will still have to sit with the consequences of his actions.

Be your own hero. Save yourself from his bullshit.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:49 PM, Saturday, June 17th]

HellFire: I hear what you’re saying. I think what’s shifted in me is that I don’t think R is possible. Even if he begs and pleads and suddenly shows up. I’m just never going to trust him, forgive him or be able to move on from this. I think I really know that now.

While I am screaming from the inside (and this forum) that I want resolution and an answer, because I am desperate to have something factual to work from, I want him to be the one to tell me he wants to D. He needs to own it, to face me that he can’t change and is too lazy to do the work, and that he is resigned to taking the easy way out to avoid taking a hard look at himself, and doing so is signing up for getting 10% of the kids. He could tell me he wants to R and I would still say I plan to D. But when it comes to D — if that’s his choice he needs to say it to me face. Then he won’t have the ability to say "I wanted to try but she didn’t, she didn’t give me time to show her, I barely see the kids because she gave up."

To me this isn’t a cop out or tearfully waiting for him to decide my fate, our fate. I’m basically decided. This is about me putting him on the spot to own another decision that tears things apart for a final time and having to deal with it himself, alone, if he deems to.

He could tell me he wants to R and I would still say I plan to D. But when it comes to D — if that’s his choice he needs to say it to me face.

And if he doesn't? If he continues to stall?

Then he won’t have the ability to say "I wanted to try but she didn’t, she didn’t give me time to show her, I barely see the kids because she gave up."

But you just said that you will still tell him that you want a D, so he WILL still say these things and blame you. You can't avoid it.

You are pinning your hopes on his willingness to be the bad guy, and that is not what we typically see. If it was so easy for the WS to be the bad guy, or if D is what they wanted, then they would do it early on. What WS really want is to avoid all that and play the victim card, avoid all of the blame. They want to cake eat. They want more, extra when they cheat; they certainly don't want to make choices, eliminate benefits, do any hard work or be blamed.

I hate to say this because I feel like I'm picking on you, and I don't mean it that way. It's just something to consider. WS are not the only ones who lie to themselves. We BS do it too, and I think you are lying to yourself, telling yourself that these are your reasons for waiting on him. But it really boils down to you clinging to the idea that he's going to pull his head out of his behind and fight to R. I don't think you will tell him you want to D if he says he wants to R. You would do that now if you were capable. You are maybe not doing the Pick Me dance, but you are definitely trying to wait this out and hope for R. And I fully understand because the day that I actually said I wanted a D and walked the walk was the hardest day of my life. I did, as others say, find great relief when I actually said it and did it and started the full detaching, but the lead up to that time--excrutiating. I am sorry you are in this position. You don't deserve to be.

I do think your posts indicate that your WH takes you for granted and sees himself in the driver's seat. However you are behaving or have behaved in the past, he seems to be interpreting that he is very much the prize. The fact that he can put you off on the future of your M suggests not even a hint of desperation, as if he has all the time in the world. Why would someone even need months to decide if they want to fight for their family? When you are dangling from a cliff, you don't need months to decide if you want to try to climb back up.

You may interpret that as him not loving you enough, and other BS often feel that way too. But the more accurate assessment is that we cannot see the significance of something that we take for granted. We cannot realize how important clean air actually is until we can't breathe. He simply has no idea how important his family is because he is not feeling in any danger of losing them.

He does not want a D or he would not have brought you flowers. He wants a summer of selfishness. He wants to be the victim; it's SO much easier than working hard to fix his mess. My prediction is that his big "decision" will be a non-decision, although it will sound like one. "No, I don't want D. I want to fight for my M." And then you, most likely out of the guilt that is holding you back from getting a D now, will say, "Ok then." And you'll tell us you are in R. And then he will do absolutely nothing different than he is doing right now. Then what?

If there is one outcome that almost always occurs when there is a D here, it is that the D will be the BS's fault. One way or another, in the WS's mind, the BS just "couldn't get over it, be understanding, forgive, see their own role," whatever. No matter how much lying or manipulating the WS did, no matter how little effort they exerted, they will blame the BS for the collapse of the M.

The day I told my H that I wanted a D, he flew into a rage. In our 15 years of M, I had never seen him so angry. He was like a wild animal in a cage, so angry that I could do this to him. The next days and weeks continued on and off that way. I had never before stood my ground like this. He screamed, "What do you WANT from me?!?!" And finally, after years of talking, explaining, sending articles, book titles, crying, hoping...he started doing some work. It wasn't enough at first, so I kept on the divorce path. I had no desire to explain, "It's still not enough" because I was just done with words. But he stayed in IC and kept reading the books and started acting much differently. It took years for me to trust the changes I was seeing.

All I could think was, "Why did I wait so long?"

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:43 AM, Sunday, June 18th]